Scene setup:
During the KCK storyline, John shows up to Evangeline's apartment. He is intoxicated and ready to bear his soul to her, or so he thinks. After she rebuffs his advances, he starts to tell her everything, but he can't get the words out.
Evangeline sat next to John on the ottoman facing her sofa. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. She could taste it from when he'd kissed her earlier. She was calmer now, but part of her wanted to let him take her to the bedroom and put them both out of their misery.
John wouldn't look over at her. This had been the second time that she'd rejected him. She wasn't playing hard to get. She wasn't playing at all. If John couldn't get over himself, he would lose her for good.
He'd had more than a few drinks to loosen himself up before coming here. The words that he'd wanted to say… the speech that he'd prepared…all of that was gone now. He needed to make her understand, but he didn't know how he could make that happen.
"John, I want to help you." Evangeline held back from touching him. She knew he was in pain, but she was in pain too. She still loved him and probably always would. Never would she have imagined that she would have such a deep connection with someone like John. He wasn't what she'd dreamed of when she thought of her happily ever after and, now, she couldn't imagine a happily ever after without him.
"I have never told anyone. Never told a soul." John's simple words were all he offered for a few minutes.
"Is this something to do with Caitlyn?" Evangeline looked over at him and he turned away from her. She was starting to get pissed. "Do you want my help or not?" She wasn't about to sit here and play twenty questions with him ignoring her. "Is this something from before that? Something with your mom or dad? From when you were a kid?"
"This isn't the witness stand!" John shouted louder than he'd intended. "Questions. All the time with questions." John stood and started to pace.
"John, I'm trying to help." She watched as he spun around to face her. The tormented and anguished look on his face were not like she'd seen before. He wasn't a man standing before her. He was a scared little kid.
"You can't help me." John's brain was fighting with itself. He was here to tell her everything. He was tired and alone. He was tired of being alone. Evangeline had awakened something inside him that he hadn't felt in years. Decades. She was the one who could finally help him exorcise his demons, but he was fighting her. He knew it wouldn't be as simple as telling her everything. She would be the woman he needed, but it would come at a cost that John wasn't sure he could afford.
"Then what are you doing here." Evangeline watched him. Studied him. She was a defense attorney, but she'd seen the law applied from both sides of the bench. She'd handled all types of cases and studied human behavior. That was part of the foundation of her success.
John stood facing her with his hands on his hips. He contemplated just saying it. What would happen if he just blurted out the truth and then fell into her arms? Would she welcome him lovingly or look at him with disgust? Would he still be a man in her eyes?
Evangeline bit down on her lip hard. As much as she loved him, she could not do this for him. She needed him to give her something, anything, a clue to help her. She thought for a while about their time together. She tried to quickly analyze everything he'd ever said to her. "John, I know it was hard after your dad died and you, as a little boy, were trying to fill some big shoes."
"Why are you bring this up?! You have no idea what you are talking about! You don't know what I. HAVE. BEEN. THROUGH! What he did," John pointed an accusatory finger at her as tears streamed down his face. He was starting to lose it now. He needed to leave before one of them got hurt or he said too much.
Evangeline put her hands up as if she were surrendering. Her questions from before and her statement now were her way of gathering information. The conclusion that she'd reached was not based only on this short interaction. They'd been close and shared more than just a bed.
She stared at him now and so much made sense now. All their late-night conversations and his avoidance of his past had nothing to do with Caitlyn. What happened to him was before she came along, but she could understand John's attraction to her. She was speculating still and probably would never get a straight answer from John. This shameful and humiliating secret would likely be one that he took to his grave.
John's mother was left with few options after her husband passed and she was left with little money to care for her two young sons. John had not ever brought it up, but Michael had told her before that John had spent a lot of time at the church with their priest. For Eve, it was free babysitting that she desperately needed. Michael joked that he thought John would become a priest. He probably wouldn't have made the joke if he knew the truth. John was just a kid, but he wanted to help his mother take care of the household. According to Michael, the priest helped him find side jobs that gave him money and were designed to keep him out of trouble.
She'd ignored the clue before remembering how determined John said he'd been to make sure his mom could pay all the bills. She just didn't realize he'd started so young. For Evangeline, that was the red flag. A Catholic priest with near unlimited access to a young boy from a troubled home. The true scope of those scandals still hadn't fully played out. The thought of someone taking advantage of him, a child, when he was at his lowest was more than she could bear. Her heart ached for John.
She loved him, but his situation was no different than the dozens of abuse cases that she handled for the battered women's shelter. The first steps to healing were to acknowledge the problem and forgive yourself, and John was not there yet. Evangeline could imagine that John was still in denial. Despite his best attempt to hide it, John's secret had been guessed by Evangeline. Though, she would keep it to her self. If he wasn't ready, would be doing more harm than good bringing it up?
For a man that was intoxicated, John was having quite a few moments of clarity. He knew that Evangeline loved him and why she walked way. He pushed her to it. He couldn't help himself. He wasn't ready to be vulnerable again and that's why he was so drawn to Natalie. They had some stuff in common, but she didn't get him. She didn't know him like Evangeline did. She didn't love him like Evangeline did. She was happy to accept John as he was and never to push him to be a stronger, better person. If he was damaged, like she was, they would always find solace in each other. She was drawn to the drama because John was. He protected her and she didn't know the real reason why.
"John, I don't think you're ready for this, and I don't think that you want me to be the one to help you. You need someone to help you." Evangeline was pleading with him. She wondered if John's mother knew. She wondered but knew that it was highly unlikely. She doubted that more people knew than John and the man who victimized him.
John's subconscious had left enough breadcrumbs for Evangeline to figure out the truth. He was tired of keeping this secret. Those clues with Mike's penchant for sharing embarrassing childhood stories had probably been more than enough for Evangeline to figure out the truth. She was brilliant after all. John was sobered at the thought that she already knew. He avoided looking her in the eyes now. The thought of his secret finally being revealed gave him no relief. But, if she knew, why hadn't she said anything?
John could only shrug in response. If he wasn't going to talk, there was no point in him staying, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. He didn't have the strength to say what needed to be said. He needed Evangeline to be there for him. To make him tell her what was going on. He knew there was a good chance that she would make him leave. She'd tried before to force John to say what he was feeling and that's why they weren't together now. He'd shot himself in the foot with that one.
Evangeline shrugged back at John. She was angry and tired. She knew the pain that he felt inside was something that should have been resolved by now. Instead of dealing with his pain, he'd let it consume him. Now, he stood before him, and he seemed to be asking for help. Every time she got close, John would lash out at her. Evangeline was tough, but she could only take so much. Because she loved him, she would try one last time. After that, John would have to manage his demons on his own.
Evangeline sat down on the sofa and let out a heavy sigh. She didn't even know where she was supposed to start. John needed a professional, and now was the worst time to start wrestling with his past. Natalie still wasn't safe and if anything distracted John from finding her he'd blame himself.
Evangeline patted the cushion beside her. She wanted Natalie to be safe, but not at John's expense. If he was ready to start talking, someone owed it to him to listen. Even if he was drunk, Evangeline was touched that he'd reached out to her.
John hesitated for a moment before sitting down beside her. He still held out hope that she would just take him to her bedroom and make him forget about everything else. He could tell by the look on her face that it wasn't going to happen tonight. She smiled patiently and held her robe closed. John chuckled softly.
"I get it, John. I know you hate talking about this stuff. Your feelings. Your past. You can't run forever. You can stop and catch your breath and then start running again, or we can work through this." Evangeline broke her own rule and held out her hand for him to hold. He slid his hand over hers and it was comforting to them both.
"I'm not going to lie, John. Your relationship with Natalie has always been a point of contention between us, but I understand now…this obsession that you have wit her." Evangeline placed her other hand over his.
John rolled his eyes. Natalie's name was brought up in almost every argument they'd had. "Much as you bring her up, maybe you're the one with a crush." John tried to pull his hand away, but Evangeline held him tighter.
"I'm not going to let you push me away this time, John. You have to choose to how you want to live the rest of your life, and that starts now." She looked over at him seriously. "It's not just with Natalie. It's part of your whole persona. It's why you're a cop. I guess Natalie just hits closer to home since you feel responsible for Cristian. You want to protect her. You want to do for her what no one ever did for you. John, nothing you can do now will change what happened to you. You were a child and it wasn't your fault."
John's mouth hung open, but no words came out. Decades of suppressed emotions started to overwhelm him. John had a free hand, but he didn't try to wipe away his tears. He didn't try to hide. Evangeline was right. Since his father's death, he'd become the protector. There was no time for crying because he had to be strong for this mother and brother. He had to wonder if this was really okay, could he allow himself to be so vulnerable. Was it his turn to be protected, and was it Evangeline's job to do it?
John swallowed hard, but he still didn't have the ability to speak. He looked over at Evangeline and he could still see all the pain in her eyes. Pain that he'd caused her just because she loved him. It wasn't fair to put this on her, but John couldn't make himself leave. He needed Evangeline. He wanted her. This was now his choice to finally let her in. Evangeline was holding his heart in her hands. He only hoped that she would take care of it. He couldn't bear another tragedy.
Evangeline pulled him into a hug. She held the man that she loved hoping to heal all the hurt from John McBain the little boy. He'd suffered in silence probably afraid to tell his mother. Ashamed that he was again powerless to stop a terrible thing from happening in his life. Holding back those three little words had been his way of having control over something in his chaotic life.
"I'm so sorry that you suffered alone for so long." Evangeline couldn't hold back her own tears as John sobbed in her arms. "You are not alone now. I'm here, and I won't ever let anyone hurt you. Never again."
For all the pain and heartache that he'd been through, John was surprised at how her simple words had such a profound effect on him. He'd been waiting to hear those words since his father died. "Thank you." John had wanted to say more, but surely this would be enough for now.
Evangeline wouldn't push him. This was just the beginning. When John was in the right state of mind, they'd have to really talk about everything, but even before that there was unfinished business.
Evangeline pulled out of their embrace and stood with her hand held out for him. "Tonight, we sleep. Tomorrow, we bring home Natalie. The day after, we talk…about everything."
John knew that taking her hand was as good as signing a contract in her mind. If he had any second thoughts, this was his time to escape. He could always blame it on the alcohol later, but Evangeline would still know the truth. He looked into her eyes waiting longer than he should have to take her hand, but he could see the light. She wasn't pitying him. She still respected him. She still loved him. The look in her eyes filled his heart with joy and excitement. It wasn't a dream anymore. John finally felt like he could be the man that she deserved.
He wasn't going to be a victim of his past any longer. Nervously, he took her hand. "Don't let go?"
"I won't." Evangeline almost broke down in tears. This was all she'd ever wanted for him.