ShinShi Oneshot: Love and loss.
Summary: Some people are loved, others have loved and lost.
A/N: I made it! This is my very first one-shot—a very long one at that. Nevertheless, I am quite happy that I have actually finished one. I hope you like itJ
Disclaimer: Gosho owns this work of art but I gotta show more love to my favorite DC character – Ai Haibara.
I didn't think it's possible.
To feel this cold while wrapped in a warm pair of arms. His nose grazed my skin as he nuzzles his face into my neck and against my better judgment, a little spark of heat blossomed and ran through my veins.
And once again, I found myself asking the same question.
' Is this why you stayed?'
Shinichi had a nightmare again. He never really stopped having them since…since the last time they fought with the organization.
Since an angel—his angel fell.
She was not supposed to be there. She was not supposed to die. But she did and it was my fault. I still remember the terror I've felt when Gin grinned and took his aim away from me, which is ironic because I'm supposed to at least be glad to have my meeting with hell postponed. But a sense of overwhelming dread slammed to me as I followed the direction his gun has pointed to.
Ran. She was standing a few feet away from me with a deer caught in the headlights look in her face, frozen. And as Gin threw me a menacing smirk, I started running towards the girl.
I tried to save her but the bullet went by too quickly. She dropped like a sack to the ground with a velvet stain spreading on her chest.
And I was about to meet the same fate if Shinichi hadn't come. He saved me like he did many times before, but I couldn't feel any spark of gladness because he died right there. I watched the light in his eyes dim as they landed on the bloodied figure in the ground, and it never really returned since that tragic night.
We lost him. We lost him in his grief. He started his way down the rabbit hole with drinking, never going anywhere else besides the convenience store to buy more alcohol to slowly kill himself. I couldn't take it.
I couldn't take watching his pain and do nothing. So I stayed despite my original plan to go away and start a new life after we end the organization. But Ran's death was never part of the plan. Shinichi was supposed to return to her. They should have been together and happy as I try to piece back pieces of my broken heart elsewhere, silently wishing for their happiness. But if I had learned something from my life, I would have known that this picture would never come to fruition.
I would have been free. Free from the hands and the constant danger posed by that hateful organization but here I am feeling chained down more than ever.
We started dating a couple of months ago, just more than a year after the death of the person he loved- no, he loves most. I knew I couldn't ever replace what he had lost but he leaned on me—we always leaned on each other.
By time, the grief had eased up but he still isn't quite the same as before. I don't think anybody could get back from that loss, from that heartbreak, from that failure, and from that immense guilt. Nevertheless, he started going back to the things he used to do. He went to solve cases again and even hung out with us and his family. He went even as far as to smile and laugh as if he's finally gotten back on his feet. But I knew him all too well. He still hasn't gone to visit her grave. Not even once.
He had kept that show, that 'I'm over it' façade, but he broke down once. It was after her death anniversary. People decided to gather together for a night and to reminisce their most fond memories of and with her. They were asking Shinichi to have it in his place but seeing his face suddenly turn into stone, I suggested Agasa's house instead. Shinichi just threw me a grateful glance before casually going out of the room.
He never left my side that night of the supposed remembrance party. But my hand had hurt from his tight grip, he was clinging to it like a lifeline—something he can hold on to, to endure the whole night.
And I didn't mind. If that would make him feel better, I'll be glad to do it. After all, I owe him this much.
It was around 10 pm when I felt an urgent tug in my hand. Looking up at him, he asked me to walk with him outside with pleading eyes. I immediately understood. One can only endure for so long after all, as people started recounting their memories with Ran. So I stood and followed him to the backyard which was luckily empty and dark.
His shoulders trembled as soon as we got out of people's visual rage and I, right then, realized that he reached his limit for tonight. My hands automatically reached out to him and guided him into my arms.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that" I whispered, feeling wetness in my own face.
My heart constantly breaks for him and I wonder I it'll ever stop breaking.
No other words were said after that. I just held him as he finally let himself break and to some degree, I am glad. He needed this; I should have pushed him more when people kept tiptoeing around him. Pretending to numb his pain away will not help him heal. It's like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound. He needed a good cry, and to properly grieve this time and I will never let him go through it alone.
And so with renewed determination, I found myself gently planting a kiss on his forehead—light as a feather, yet full of promise.
Without our knowledge, His parents and Heiji were silently watching the two of us from the 2nd-floor balcony. They approached me after the party with a ridiculous request—to date Shinichi. I have indeed promised to stay with him but to be his girlfriend is just outrageous. How could I be with someone when I know that his heart is with someone else? I was about to open my mouth to refuse but to my utter shock, I heard someone cleared his throat behind me.
I thought he already went home but apparently, he didn't.
" Well, I guess that could work."
My jaw hung open at him. Was he serious about this? Why was he even thinking about this at all?
" So Ai, will you be my girlfriend?" he asked with a smile that's never quite reaching his eyes.
And that's when it hit me. He's not doing this because he truly loved me that way but because he needed me.
He needed not to be alone and I was a tool.
Someone to lean on, a companion but not worthy enough to be a lover.
That thought had killed something deep inside of me but I promised, didn't I?
And I loved him too much to ever say no.
So here we are. Lying together in a bed that we're not supposed to be in. We never did anything more than a few kisses yet. We both knew we're not ready for anything more than that but we sleep together most nights. He regularly dreams about her and I'm not strong enough to lock my room's door. He had always claimed that he sleeps better when he's with me but I don't. How could I when I hear him murmur her name in his slumber?
There is a big difference between holding someone and actually having them. We were a prime example of this. He holds unto me but do I actually have him?
I wish it was easy. I wish it was easy to get lost in the sensation of being held, being touched, and forget the blaring truth in front of me. I wish it was easy to make the right decisions but oftentimes, it was actually the opposite.
It was never easy to do the right thing.
I was done with my cup of coffee when he emerged from the bedroom. He threw me a lazy smile but it fell when he saw the expression on my face. I told him that we needed to talk.
The sun was shining brightly against the indigo sky when I told him about the end of our relationship, or whatever we call it.
The hands that held his cup shook gently as he asked me to stay.
My voice threatened to break when I declared that we never should have started dating in the first place because everybody knows he still loves her and that I don't see it changing anytime soon.
I grasped my aching chest when I revealed the truth that it hurts me to see it every time.
His gaze was far away when he whispered that I don't know what it's like to lose the one you love most.
Stray tears fell from my eyes when I told him that, Yes, I do.
His eyes widen as I tell him that right now, I'd just rather lose it. All of it than to have it ripped from me bits my bits.
That I'd rather end it in one big heartache than to die a little more every day.
In small waves of hurt, not enough to fully shatter my heart to pieces but big enough to break it piece by piece, nonetheless.
The cup in his hand fell to the floor when I told him I loved him.
Both of our faces are covered in tears when I admitted that I want to be wanted, not just needed.
That I wanted to be seen, to be truly loved.
He remained frozen in his ground when I turned away.
The floor was cold against my shaking feet when I walked away.
His voice was barely a whisper when he said "I'm sorry"
A/N: Should I, perhaps, right a continuation? Maybe I will if the inspiration strikes me but for now, it's just a one-shot. I feel bad for ending it like that but somehow, I also kind of like it that Ai finally learned to stand up for herself and to take no bullshit, half-truths, and half-love. She deserves way more than she settles for.