Chapter 225

Tegan wasn't in the bedroom when Lindsey returned. She looked into the kids' room and found Tegan leaning over her children like she always did when she was upset. Lindsey put her arm around her wife's waist and gently kissed her neck.

"I was just checking on them, I'll be out in a minute" Tegan whispered. She didn't know what had her so messed up today. She lingered a while before kissing her kids and walked back into the main bedroom. She quickly brushed her teeth and plonked down on the bed and switched off the bedside lamp. Lindsey got into bed a minute later and cuddled up to Tegan.

"I love you" she whispered.

Tegan turned onto her back. "Linds, I'm sorry… I'm sorry" said Tegan.

"Tee… shhhh… it's okay, I understand and I'm here for you" said Lindsey.

"I'm so fucked up… I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now and yet, here you are, comforting me. I'm sorry baby… I won't let anybody hurt you, ever. You're everything to me… God I love you so much" said Tegan and turned around. She pressed her body tight against Lindsey's and breathed into her neck.

"You smell so good" she grunted.

"Baby… do you really want to?" whispered Lindsey.

"Well now you're ruining it by asking" Tegan snapped.

"Babe calm down! I just don't want fuck you when you're obviously not into it" said Lindsey.

"I'm into it… Geez what did I just do except grab your ass and kiss your neck" said Tegan loudly.

"Just… stop it okay… Don't snap at me, not today" said Lindsey.

"I'm sorry… I'm… I'm just… on edge. Come here baby" said Tegan leaning in for a kiss.

"I have a headache. Goodnight" said Lindsey and turned on her side, away from Tegan.

"Well… fine then" Tegan mumbled and turned on her side the other way.

"Stop hogging the sheet" Tegan barked and yanked the sheet.

"You can have the sheet… happy?" said Lindsey, her voice shaking.

"You have it" said Tegan tossing the sheet away.

"I can't win… first you want it then you don't. Take the fucking sheet" said Lindsey.

Tegan just mumbled something incomprehensible. She tossed and turned for an hour. She turned on her side and watched Lindsey's chest slowly and rhythmically moving up and down. She gently pulled the sheet back over Lindsey before touching her face softly.

"I'm sorry" she whispered.

-o-

The next morning Sara was in the kitchen making coffee after her shower when Lindsey came into the room. Kate and Kirsten was outside on the patio with the three kids.

"Morning, sleep well?" asked Sara.

"Hey… alright, you?' asked Lindsey.

"Like a rock" Sara smiled.

"I made a pot of coffee. Room service should be up in 10" said Sara.

"Thank you" said Lindsey and poured coffee into one of the mugs Sara set out for her.

"Tegan?" asked Sara.

"Still sleeping, she's definitely not getting coffee in bed today" said Lindsey.

"Oh… trouble in paradise?" asked Sara.

"I don't know… she's all over the place these last few days. Truthfully Sar… I think she's struggling more with the withdrawal than she's letting on. Especially when anything disturbs her perfect equilibrium" said Lindsey.

"Is that so?" said Tegan coming around the corner.

Lindsey sighed and looked down. Tegan glared at her looking mad.

"Yes… it is" said Lindsey slowly.

"And what the ef do you want me to do about it? Yes… it's hard okay… it's fucking torture. I feel as if I don't know myself any more as if I'm just… losing my grip… falling" said Tegan, now in tears.

"Baby" said Lindsey and tried to take Tegan into her arms.

"No… don't… I don't know what the fuck I'm doing" said Tegan throwing her arms around and stomped back into the bedroom.

Sara wanted to go after her but Lindsey called her back. "Leave her… just for a few minutes. She'll calm down"

-o-

Tegan stormed back into the room and picked up a pillow. She shouted into it, her body shaking with a mixture of anger, frustration and fear. She threw the pillow down and started punching it. A few punches in she started wheezing.

"Fuck this… fuck this illness" she wheezed and looked for her inhaler. She eventually found it in the bathroom and took a deep puff. It didn't seem to help much, she repeated the procedure. Again, she found very little relief.

"Not now… please not now" she whispered and tried to steady her breathing. A third puff of the inhaler still didn't open her airways enough and she became panicky.

"Help" she wheezed softly and got up.

She stumbled out of the room into the living room and clutched a couch before slowly sinking to the floor, still wheezing.

"Tegan? Oh shit baby… breathe… just breathe" said Lindsey falling down on her knees next to Tegan.

"Kate! Kate help!" Sara yelled at the top of her voice.

Tegan's eyes darted around in fear. "Okay baby, I'm here… you're okay… just breathe" Lindsey said cradling Tegan's head in her lap.

"Tee?" said Kate kneeling next to Tegan.

"Sara… my" said Kate.

"Your bag" said Sara, already carrying it from the room.

"Okay Tegan, breathe bud… that's it" said Kate snapping open her bag and pulling her stethoscope out.

Tears were now flowing from Tegan's eyes freely.

"Did you use your inhaler?" asked Kate.

Tegan nodded and held up 3 fingers.

"3 puffs? Okay… that's okay, I've got you alright" said Kate, confident as ever.

"Lindsey, just put her head down for me so we can open the airway a bit more. Sara grab the oxygen concentrator" said Kate.

Kate worked as fast as her injured hand would allow her. With Lindsey's help she managed to draw some medicine into a syringe. Tegan seemed to be breathing slightly better but was still wheezing quite badly.

"That's it buddy… you're okay, I'm just going to give you some intravenous albuterol to open your airways" said Kate as she one handily tied a tourniquet around Tegan's arm.

"Lindsey pat the inside of the elbow for me. Sara, get the oxygen running and into her lungs please" said Kate.

Tegan was now starting to lose consciousness. Kate stuck the needle into the bulging vein in Tegan's arm and pushed the plunger down.

"Linds, get the pulse ox on please" asked Kate.

Lindsey was pale as a sheet but did as instructed with shaking hands.

"Kate what can I do?" asked Sara holding the oxygen mask on Tegan's face.

"Nothing babe just crank that O2" said Kate.

"Um… her sats are 83, pulse 130" said Lindsey.

"Okay, just give it a minute. Tegan… buddy… open your eyes" said Kate lightly slapping Tegan's cheek.

Tegan opened her eyes, struggling to focus. She looked a bit calmer and was already breathing easier.

"That's it bud… relax… just relax your legs for me" said Kate and pushed Tegan's legs down before wrapping the BP cuff around her arm.

Tegan wasn't relaxing and kept trying to sit up, moving her arms and legs. "Tegan settle down… just relax. I need you calm buddy… come on… you're using too much oxygen wriggling around like this" said Kate gently with her hand on Tegan's shoulder.

Tegan stared at Kate for a long moment and slowly started calming down as her airways started opening up.

"Alright baby… just breath, you're okay" said Lindsey and kissed Tegan's hand while rubbing her belly.

Kate managed to take Tegan's blood pressure without too much of a fight.

"BP's alright, 125 over 90. On the high side for you but that's expected" said Kate.

"I'm okay now" mumbled Tegan under the oxygen mask.

"Just relax… Sara, call one of the security guys please" asked Kate. Her abdomen was throbbing and a cold sweat broke out over her forehead.

"Her sats are back up to 95" said Lindsey.

"Good… stay still and keep taking deep breaths" said Kate and turned her head and shut her eyes tight while fighting a sudden wave of nausea.

"Kate? You okay?" slurred Tegan.

"Sure… shhh don't talk" said Kate wiping her brow.

Kate put the stethoscope back on Tegan's chest, hand shaking.

"Lungs sound better… good good… you're opening up again"

"Doctor Morgan?" Adam, one of the security guys asked as he rushed into the room.

"Tegan? She okay?" he asked looking worried.

"She will be in a few minutes. Pick her up for me please and put her on the bed. Carefully" said Kate.

"No, I can walk" Tegan grunted but seemed disoriented.

"I've got you Tegan. Relax" Adam smiled. Adam was a gentle giant, young, good looking with a great sense of humour that often got him into trouble. Tegan liked him though, more than the others. He seemed human.

"Up you go" he said. He picked Tegan's tiny body up in one quick movement and carried her to the bedroom.

Kate leaned back on her heels.

"Baby? You okay? You don't look so good?" said Sara.

"Yeah, this kneeling just… it caused some pain. I'm okay" said Kate through gritted teeth.

"Let me help you up" said Sara.

"Give me a minute" said Kate with a hand in front of her mouth trying to hide her nausea.

"Katy you're scaring me" Sara whimpered.

"Sorry… I'm fine" said Kate and tried to get up.

"No! Adam get over here" yelled Sara.

"Help Kate up please" said Sara.

Adam slid his large hands under Kate's arms and pulled her up gently, with little effort.

"Need a lift doc?" he asked.

"No no… I'm good" said Kate and started walking towards Tegan's room, trying her best not to limp.

Tegan was now sitting up, holding the mask to her face.

"Feeling better?" asked Kate.

Tegan nodded.

"Don't take me to hospital" she grunted.

"I wasn't planning to" winked Kate, pain still evident on her face.

"You okay?" Tegan asked again.

"Sure I am" said Kate.

"Lie down" said Tegan from under the mask.

"I agree with Tee, lie down" Sara instructed.

"Just want to take your pressure again" said Kate.

"I'll do it. Lie down!" said Sara and pushed Kate onto the bed.

Kate groaned as she lay down.

"Tegan's sats are back to 99" said Lindsey.

"Awesome, you can lose the mask but just stay still for a while. Keep breathing deeply" said Kate.

"BP is 95 over 60 now" said Sara.

"Hmm… just keep lying down" Kate said softly with her eyes closed.

"Baby should I call Sax?" Sara asked.

"No, I've got this under control, she's stable" said Kate, eyes still closed.

"No, I mean… for you" said Sara.

"No! I'm fine" said Kate, eyes snapping open. "Just strained myself a bit" said Kate sounding out of breath.

"Babe what if something opened up" said Sara.

"Sara relax… I'll check. Don't worry, I feel better already" said Kate.

Sara wrapped the BP cuff around Kate's arm.

"Sara stop it" Kate complained.

"Shhh… or I'm calling Sax" said Sara.

Kate grunted.

"75 over 45…. That's atrocious" said Sara.

"Just give me a minute, it'll come back in" said Kate.

"I'll cancel today's interview" said Sara.

"No!" said Tegan sitting up fast. Her head suddenly spun.

"I'll be okay, just give me a few minutes… really, we don't want a reputation of cancelling and we're getting there!" said Tegan lying back again.

"Okay, you two stay put. Interview is only at 3pm. Rest now!" said Sara.

"Alright… guys, I'm sorry about this" said Tegan.

"Don't sweat it" said Kate with her eyes closed.

"Linds… how's that pulse ox?" asked Kate.

"Sats still 99, pulse down to 80" said Lindsey.

"Good" said Kate, still in pain.

"You sure you're okay?" asked Tegan.

"Yeah… lie back. Hope you don't mind company but I don't think I can get up right now" said Kate with her eyes closed.

"Of course not. I haven't had one of these attacks in a long time. What the hell is happening" said Tegan.

"Tee… it's bound to happen. I think you're fine, I really am not expecting any complications but I think it may be a good idea to run a few tests when we get back to LA. Just to make sure everything's on track, before we go out on the road. A lung function test is long overdue anyway. But don't worry, everything is fine. You'll be fine, we've got this" said Kate.

"Fuck this shit" said Tegan.

"I know… sorry" said Kate.

Kate and Tegan stayed in bed but both were grumpy about it. An hour later Lindsey and Sara came back into the room.

"We're going for a run. You two, stay put" said Sara after checking both Tegan and Kate's blood pressure.

"But Sar…" said Kate.

"I said stay put or I'm calling Sax. And Kirsten will be telling me if you dared get out of bed. If you two want to go out this afternoon to this interview you rest up now" said Sara.

Tegan sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes. "Yes mother"

"Are you feeling any better yet?" asked Sara and kissed Kate's forehead.

"Yeah, pain's more or less gone. I'm pretty sure nothing came undone in there" said Kate.

"Tee, breathing okay now?" asked Sara.

"Yeah, as if nothing ever happened. Just… exhausted after that as always" said Tegan.

"Okay, well you two get some rest" said Sara.

"You need anything before we go?" asked Lindsey, the chill between them seemed to be back.

"I'm good thanks" said Tegan, hardly looking at her.

"Let's go Sar" said Lindsey sounding moody.

"Hey Sar… I love your bum in those tights" said Kate and winked. Tegan didn't say anything and just stared out of the window.

"So… want to tell me what's going on in that head of yours?" said Kate a few minutes later.

"It's nothing" Tegan sighed.

"Doesn't seem like nothing to me… but okay" said Kate and shrugged.

"It's… it's just that… Fuck… Kate it's hard. I'm a bit better now but I'm so moody… and I really… really want a pain pill. I can't stop thinking about it" said Tegan.

"I get it… have you taken one though?" asked Kate.

"Of course not… but it's hard" said Tegan.

"Tee… it will get easier, I swear it will" said Kate.

"Yeah, easy for you to say" said Tegan, annoyed.

"Actually… I have experience in it. I went through it myself"

"What the… you're shitting me" said Tegan sitting up.

"I'm not" said Kate softly.

"How the fuck don't I know about this?" said Tegan, confused.

"Nobody knew except Alex and Erin. And now Sara knows. It's not something I like to talk about" said Kate.

"But… How could you not tell me when you saw me going through all that" said Tegan sounding livid.

"I'm sorry… I… I'm sorry" said Kate sounding a mixture of embarrassed and sad.

"Shit… you okay now?" asked Tegan.

"It happened a long, long time ago. I'm okay now, I'm even taking pain meds now without a problem… I hope" said Kate and proceeded to tell Tegan the whole story.

"You let me know if it gets out of hand… fucking promise me Kate" said Tegan.

"I promise… same goes for you, just keep talking to me Tegan… Or talk to somebody" said Kate.

"I will. But I want you to know that I'm disappointed and sad… that you didn't trust me with this information" said Tegan folding her arms over her chest.

"I said I'm sorry… Dammit Tegan it's not something I'm proud of. I can't do anything about it okay… I didn't tell you and I'm sorry" Kate yelled.

"Okay jeez… calm down" said Tegan.

Kate was very close to tears now.

"Hey… Katy… its okay… I understand" said Tegan softly a minute later.

Kate turned on her side and cried herself to sleep.

Tegan was exhausted after the session of respiratory distress. She slipped away before Kate did, the muscles in her neck, back and ribs aching slightly.

-o-

"You think our two patients are okay?" asked Sara stretching her hamstring with her foot on a park bench.

"Anna will call if they're not. I think they're fine Sar" Lindsey panted wiping sweat from her brow.

"Feels good to be active right" said Sara.

"Yeah, feels good to run out my frustration" said Lindsey.

"What's up Linds? Want to talk about it?"

"I don't know… I'm just worried about Tegan. She's all over the place again, but she'll get through it in one piece, she always does" said Lindsey.

"I'm worried too and with the tour coming up… I guess… No, you know what… I trust her, I believe in her. She's going to be fine, she's going to do great" said Sara as they started running again.

"I know… we won't let her fall… it's not even an option" said Lindsey.

-o-

Tegan watched a figure in a hospital bed from the window in the hallway. So many tubes and wires, ventilators, machines… She walked closer and saw the face of the person in the bed. It was a ghostly, hollow version of herself. The monitor sped up before starting its monotonous beeeep.

Tegan gasped and sat upright so fast her head spun. She was out breath again and she panted as she tried to orient herself.

"Tegan! You okay?" Kate mumbled from the other side of the bed.

"Fuck…" Tegan whispered to herself.

Kate groaned and sat up. She took Tegan's wrist in her hand.

"Your pulse is racing… what's wrong?" said Kate.

"Nothing… I had a bad dream that's all" said Tegan and again took a puff from her inhaler.

"Want to talk?" said Kate.

"It's nothing new… I just dreamed about the ICU and then… I died" said Tegan.

"Oh Tee…" said Kate and squeezed Tegan's shoulder.

"It's fine… I always have nightmares after one of my… episodes. Haven't had this specific one in a while though" Tegan shrugged.

"Oh you're awake" said Sara coming into the room.

Neither Tegan nor Kate said anything. Tegan was still breathing fast and hard.

"What have you two been doing that you're panting?" laughed Sara.

"Funny… Bad dream" mumbled Tegan.

"When we came back both of you were snoring like freight trains" Sara laughed. Nobody else did. She looked at her partner and her sister concerned. Lindsey walked into the room.

"Everything okay?" Sara asked softly.

"Yeah… just had a bad dream that's all" said Tegan.

Lindsey sat down next to Tegan. Lindsey was always so eager to forgive. She hardly ever held a grudge. Tegan turned to her and smiled sadly.

"You're safe… you're okay" she said and hugged Tegan tight to her body.

"I'm sorry I was a bitch" Tegan whispered into Lindsey's ear.

"You were… but I forgive you" Lindsey whispered and snickered.

Tegan cleared her throat a few seconds later.

"So, one more big interview. Tomorrow we hit… where are we going again?" said Tegan.

"Back to LA for two days. Then Chicago. Then Vancouver" said Sara.

"Oh thank goodness… I miss Mom" said Tegan and got up as if nothing happened. She walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

"I called the hospital to set up some tests as soon as we're back in LA" said Kate.

"You're not… like… expecting to find anything are you?" said Sara.

"Not expecting anything no, but I'd rather put all our minds at ease before we go on the road" Kate smiled.

Lindsey smiled a worried smile.

"I agree. I'll feel a lot better. I'm so happy you were here this morning Kate. I don't even want to think about what we would have done if you weren't" said Sara.

"It would have been okay… you would have calmed her down, used the nebuliser with albuterol and you would have managed it. I'm sure of it. The IV stuff worked fast but the nebuliser would have done the same job. Perhaps even another puff from her inhaler would have done the job, I just didn't want to take any chances" said Kate rubbing Sara's thigh reassuringly.

"All the same… I'm glad you were here" Sara smiled.

"I want to do some training with the security guys if that's okay. Just some basics… Get them to carry the medical bag and the oxygen when you do shows. It will just make me feel better. Especially with my hand injured" said Kate.

"I think that's a great idea baby" said Sara and kissed Kate softly.

"Maybe I just want something to do… and someone to boss around" Kate laughed.

Kate's cell phone rang and she answered on the first ring. "Hey Karev, what's up" she said and got up. She continued her conversation standing next to the window, watching the rainclouds build in the distance.

"Where'd you hear that?
Yeah yeah… it's fine, really it is. NO complications.
It's just an appy dude.
No Karev it's a tiny fracture. Not a big deal either. It's not as if I'm operating right now" Kate snorted.

Sara admired Kate's tight ass and masculine arms from behind. She almost had to wipe drool from her mouth but swallowed hard instead.

"Okay give it to me?
Yeah… Okay… Have you tried changing ports?
Put her on 10 of maxizon over an hour and see what the does. Run the infection count again.
Call me with an update.
Yes Karev, I know it's off the record. Talk to you later" Kate smiled and ended the call.

"You're not supposed to be working" said Sara dryly.

"I'm not working. I'm… giving advice to a friend" said Sara.

"Medical advice. You know this can come back and bite you in the ass" said Sara.

"Why don't you let me make that call. He needed help on this case"

"And there's a lot of people there that can help him"

"You don't understand, I have advanced knowledge of this issue"

"You have advanced knowledge of most issues, that's not the point"

"I still have a medical licence you know, I'm allowed to give him my opinion"

"Kate come here" said Sara and tugged Kate's healthy hand closer.

"I'm so sorry you can't be working right now. I am… I see how much you miss it. It's a big part of who you are. And I know that they'll take you back tomorrow, injured hand or not. They already wanted to lift the suspension weeks ago"

"I don't w…."

Sara softly put her forefinger on Kate's lips and looked deep into her eyes.

"I love that you're here with me. I know you miss work baby… but I want you to know, that I don't take the sacrifices you're making for granted" said Sara.

Tegan walked out of the bathroom and watched her sister and friend kiss. Sara's words to Kate suddenly reverberating in her head over and over. "I don't take the sacrifices you're making for granted"

Tegan walked into the kitchen and put her arms around Lindsey's waist from behind. Lindsey didn't turn.

"Baby… I know you're mad at me but hear me out… Please" Tegan whispered. Lindsey took a deep breath and nodded.

"I love you… and I appreciate everything you do for me… so much. I'm so happy, and honoured to have you here with me. I know you have other things that could be keeping you very busy right now. I know what you're sacrificing. And… I'm sorry for giving you so much shit. I can't guarantee that I won't have my moments… my mood swings… but I'll try. I'll try harder… I promise I'll try harder to be… to be the wife you deserve" Tegan whispered into her neck.

Lindsey turned around in Tegan's arms and took her face in her hands. She softly kissed her and pulled away. "I know you try Boo… I love you… always" she said and squeezed Tegan's hands.

"But... please understand that it hurts me... when you hurt. And it just about kills me when you push me away instead of allowing me to comfort you. And sometimes I get moody too, I get that. Couples fight sometimes... a lot of times. And I don't mind if you're angry with me sometimes but I need you to know... that I'm on your side... always. I may be mad at you but I'm on your side" said Lindsey and kissed Tegan's jawline.

Tegan breathed in deep, savouring Lindsey's scent. Coconut mixed with peach. "I love you... I'm sorry about this morning, that must have scared you" said Tegan.

"I'm just happy you're okay" said Lindsey and nipped at Tegan's lip.

The next moment the twins ran into the kitchen and hugged Tegan and Lindsey's legs.

"Hey monkeys! Hey silly kids, what you doing?" laughed Tegan and crouched next to them. She looked at her watch.

"Kirsten, we'll take Casey and Ryan for a while. They need some family time" said Tegan.

"Are you okay to go out? And do we have time?" asked Lindsey.

"We're not going out. We're having lunch on our bed, just the four of us" Tegan smiled.

"I'd love that" said Lindsey and kissed Tegan on the cheek.

A/N: Where's all my regular reviewers at? Send me a review to let me know you're still reading? Remember there were two chapters today (some people only read the latest one)

Glad Tegan and Kate are both okay. Tour starting soon!