AN: tw: death/suicide
this is a historical samurai au but i can't say it's 100% accurate, i gave it my best shot (and by that i mean wikipedia)
if u just want the fluff, stop reading when he starts coughing...
"Asahi!"
Nishinoya's voice rings out across the courtyard, bright and loud as ever.
"Young Master," Asahi answers, bowing before him with a hand on his hip to hold his swords steady. "You're quite cheerful this morning."
Nishinoya makes a face before the flash of displeasure disappears in an instant as his mind wanders this way and that. "Don't call me that, it makes me feel weird. You're older than me, too! Oh, by the way, you should come to the stables! Mari chan gave birth to a baby girl! Help me think up names!"
"You really shouldn't name your horses after your sisters," Asahi says with a small chuckle, even as he follows behind Nishinoya at a slower pace.
Asahi stumbles, bumping into Nishinoya's back when he stops walking suddenly. "Hmm," he hums with a thoughtful expression. "You're right! We'll name the foal after your sister!"
Placing either of his hands on Nishinoya's shoulders, Asahi pushes Nishinoya along in front of him with a laugh. "Oh no, we couldn't possibly do that. She would murder me!"
Nishinoya shrugs, "You've got a sword, I'm sure you'll be fine. Plus, you're a samurai , shouldn't you be brave enough to stand up to your sister? What's the worst she can even do?"
Asahi shudders as he thinks up the worst she can do. Quite a lot, actually. Tell embarrassing stories about him to his future wife, switch up his lunch so he gets the extra spicy bentos – there's a lot she can do. "I've never been particularly brave, anyway," he says out loud. Then, frowning, he adds, "But hey, I have two swords, I'll have you know."
They're almost at the stables when they run into the elder Nishinoya, who pierces Asahi with a glare and clears his throat.
Startled, Asahi quickly removes his hands from Noya's shoulders and bows low to the ground. "Good morning, Master."
"Watch where you place those filthy hands, won't you?" the master of the house says, voice dripping with derision. "Such a simple task and you still can't do it well."
"Father, I–"
"I don't want to hear any words from you, young man, until you've finished your studies for the week," he cuts off.
The two of them stand in silence, heads bowed before Nishinoya's father decides he's had enough of their presence and makes his way off in the opposite direction.
"Come on, don't mind him," Nishinoya says when he's finally out of sight, tugging on Asahi's hand.
"He's right," Asahi answers, apologetic as he untangles their fingers. "Shall we go see those horses, Young Master?"
Nishinoya's mouth twists into a frown and Asahi hates the way it looks, marring such a pretty face. Still, his cowardice wins out and he accompanies Nishinoya at a distance the rest of the way.
He's never been particularly brave.
–
In the end, Nishinoya ends up naming the horse Yachi after one of the servant girls when he sees how frequently the foal seems to be stumbling over her own legs. As one year passes into two, however, and the mare grows into her long limbs with a graceful air, the name seems far less fitting.
"You know," Nishinoya says as he leans against the fence, watching Yachi (the horse, not the maid) gallop around the pasture, "In another year or so, you could probably ride her into battle. It'd be really cool, you know?"
Asahi shakes his head at that, wrinkling his nose at the thought of clambering onto a horse's back and attempting much of anything with it, much less fighting. "I don't know about that," he sighs, watching as she chases after a rabbit that's made its way into the pasture. "I probably won't be doing any fighting soon. Not unless you get into big trouble somehow, although I sure couldn't put it past you."
"Hey!" Nishinoya says, turning to Asahi with a pout. "I'm not that bad! The only person I meet that would willingly fight me is my tutor, and that's just because I never do the readings."
"And what about that Tanaka fellow?" Asahi asks about one of the other bushi in the Nishinoya household's employment who always seems to have a knack for instigating brawls whenever the three of them go out into town together.
Nishinoya laughs at that. "Oh as if. He might look like a thug but he's a real softie inside. Plus, he's always too busy chasing skirts in town to get up to any real trouble."
"And you aren't?" Asahi jokes, even as he feels something in his stomach clench at the way Nishinoya perks up.
"Oh but how couldn't I when such a beautiful goddess as Shimizu exists in our midsts? Now if only I could convince my father to let me marry a commoner…" Nishinoya says, trailing off. He turns to Asahi with a thoughtful look as his eyes rake up and down Asahi's figure. "Say, isn't it high time you get married yourself? I'm sure you're not lacking any options."
Before Asahi can stutter out a poor attempt at a response, Yachi nips at his belt, startling him into falling back into a puddle with a yelp.
With a laugh, Nishinoya hops off the fence where he's perched and reaches a hand out to help Asahi up. "Or maybe not, if this is how you act," he teases.
Asahi grabs Nishinoya's hand, allowing himself to be pulled up with a grumble. "Well, you know me."
"That I do," Nishinoya answers with a knowing look in his eye. He still hasn't let go of Asahi's hand, and Asahi begins to sweat, looking away as he tries to tug his hand back though his efforts are futile.
"I– we should get back, Young Master," he says, taking a step back to put more distance between them.
Nishinoya frowns as his hand falls back down to his side. Huffing a sigh, he turns away and walks ahead. "I've told you not to call me that."
If only Asahi were brave enough to say something. Even as his stomach flips inside his gut, he presses his lips into a thin line and follows along keeping a distance of three feet between them.
–
Yachi the horse and her master Tanaka die in battle a year after that, and along with them goes some of Nishinoya's childhood innocence.
"Would it be terrible of me to say that I'm glad it wasn't you?" Nishinoya says gloomily, feet drawing circles in the ground as the stand by the empty stable that once used to house Yachi.
Asahi hesitates as he fumbles around his words. "It was an honorable death, and should it have been me I would have wanted the same."
The lies feel awkward coming out of his mouth, though, and he's sure that Nishinoya hears it, too, when he whirls to face Asahi. "If it was so honorable, then tell me, why do you stay? Why not go into battle yourself? Tanaka was lower rank than you, lower seniority, too, but you just want to spend your life following me around like a useless guard dog?"
"Young Master, if you did not want me–"
"No!" Nishinoya groans, sinking to the ground among the dirt and hay as he covers his face. "I don't mean that I don't want you to– that is– why won't you say why ? Why won't you give me your reason why you refuse to go out and fight every year?"
Asahi swallows, feeling something thick and heavy settle in his throat. "Young Master, you know why."
"I do?" Nishinoya asks, staring back up at Asahi with what looks like the barest hint of hope reflected on his face.
"It's because I…" Asahi trails off, breaking eye contact as he stares into the empty water trough instead. "Because I am a coward. I've always been afraid of dying."
Nishinoya growls at that, standing and whirling as he stalks out of the stable. On the way out, his foot catches on a broom and the resounding crack makes Asahi wince.
"I'm afraid of dying… and leaving you alone," Asahi whispers into the empty stable. The only answer is an echoing whinny from Mari chan. He sighs, slumping against her door. "See? You miss her when she's gone, too. I don't know if I could do it."
–
Nishinoya manages to avoid Asahi like the plague for weeks after that. Even when Asahi does manage to catch up and trail along behind him, Nishinoya turns his head and refuses to speak a word.
It's the most painful thing Asahi has endured, but he takes it all in stride. After all, it isn't a samurai's place to speak to a noble when they're clearly unwanted.
One day, Asahi wakes up gasping for breath, feeling a tightness in his throat and lungs that leaves him far from sleep. With a sigh, he cracks open his door to see that the sun is barely rising on the horizon. As it stands, it is unlikely that he'll be getting any more sleep with the itching in his throat growing and he opts to grab his training swords instead.
He's onto his twentieth set when a voice speaks up behind him.
"You know, I always thought you looked cooler with the bow than the sword."
"Young Master!" Asahi stutters out, dropping to the ground in a bow. Nishinoya makes a face at the address, but doesn't comment like he used to.
"But, I guess you're not half bad with a sword, either."
"I– thank you? Young Master?" Asahi answers. He's baffled that Nishinoya has decided to speak to him again, but more than that he's delighted. Asahi realizes, then, just how much he missed hearing Nishinoya's teasing voice.
Standing on his tip toes, Nishinoya attempts to ruffle Asahi's hair which is down out of his bun for once. "I'm tired of fighting. Let's be friends again." When Asahi bobs his head up and down in another shallow bow, Nishinoya smiles, walking off out of the training yard. "You're awake too early, Asahi. I'm going back to bed. Come wake me when it's time for breakfast!"
Asahi watches Nishinoya go, frowning as he realizes there was something off about his smile that he can't place. The tightening in his throat grows as he Nishinoya's receding figure grows smaller and smaller, until he can barely breathe.
It's only as Nishinoya rounds the corner that Asahi understands.
His swords clatter to the ground as he clutches at his throat, heaving as sakura petals cover the ground.
–
Asahi has never been more grateful for spring to come.
Nishinoya spends more and more hours hanging around the training ground as he watches Asahi train, doing anything to get away from his increasing lessons.
"Man, I wish I were a samurai," he complains, even as he lies back on a bench, munching loudly on an apple. "It'd be so cool to just swing a sword and fight people all the time!"
Asahi merely grunts in response, wiping away the sweat that drips into his eyes. He tries not to glance too closely in Nishinoya's direction, where he sits with his shirt half open to let in the warm spring breeze. The juice from the apple drips down his hand, and Asahi gulps as he watches Nishinoya catch it with his tongue.
"And then I wouldn't have to do all of this learning and etiquette stuff, you know?" Nishinoya continues. "I kinda wish I was like my sisters, you know? That way I could just get married off without any of the estate stuff to worry about. Now I have to do both . I hope my bride is pretty, at least."
Asahi frowns at the thought of Nishinoya marrying, even though he knows he is in no place to have qualms about his master's future.
"Ah," Nishinoya sighs, chucking the apple core to the side as he sits up to stare directly at Asahi where he continues to hack the training dummy with methodical swings. "At least the weather's nice so I can hide out here with you."
Asahi turns away to cough, letting the petals mix in with the ones that flutter down from the cherry blossom trees above them.
"Of course, young master."
–
"I wish the cherry blossoms would bloom faster," Nishinoya complains. He sits by the window and stares, even as his tutor glares at him for letting in the cold, brisk air of early spring. "Don't you, Asahi?" he asks, leaning out the window so he can poke at Asahi's shoulder where he kneels by the door.
Asahi can only bleakly smile at that.
I could show you cherry blossoms right now . The thought rises unbidden to his mind and he blinks in surprise, suppressing a cough as Nishinoya stares up at his face, waiting for an answer.
"In the southern parts of Japan, where the climate is warmer," he chokes out. "I'm sure they're blooming there."
Nishinoya's eyes light up and sparkle as he grabs at Asahi's shivering hands. "Then let's go! I want to see them."
Asahi just nods, lips forming a strained smile as he nudges Nishinoya back in through the window to his studies. He doesn't tell Nishinoya that there's also a place very close by where the sakura blooms year round.
Asahi waits until the window rattles shut and the muffled sounds of Nishinoya reading out loud come seeping in through the cracks before he bends over on knees stiff from the cold to cough and hack until his lungs can breathe again.
–
There's a hurried knocking on his door as Asahi slowly blinks himself out of sleep. "Yuu?" he asks into the emptiness of his room as he shakes himself out of his dream. In the bright chaos of morning, small snippets snake out of his memory as he clutches at cloudy images of small hands wrapped in his, a cold nose brushing against his cheek and a vibrant laugh he slowly realizes he hasn't heard in weeks.
Stuck as he is on those small fragments of imagination, the knocking barely registers in his brain until it becomes more urgent and insistent, turning to flurried raps against his door. Stumbling over himself in his haste, he looks around the brightly lit room, cursing as he hurries to sweep the scattered flower petals under his blanket.
"Who, who is it?" he calls out, voice scratchy and hoarse from both sleep and the fitful coughs that keep him awake at nights these days.
"Azumane san, the master is waiting for you," Yachi's timid voice drifts through the doors. "Please hurry," she says before slipping off once it's clear that Asahi is awake.
"Shit," Asahi gasps, moving to get dressed. He stumbles four times as he moves around his room, as small as it is. With how little air he manages to suck into his lungs, every step feels like it's been weighed down by a thousand stones.
With trembling fingers, he brushes his hair back into his usual bun, lacking the effort it takes to smooth out the stray strands that fall around his face.
When he's ready after what feels like ages, he slams open the door only to see Yachi's surprised face staring back at him.
"I– you were– you were taking a while, so I came back to check on you," she stutters out. It's only then that Asahi realizes her gaze is fixed on what's behind him.
Turning his head sharply, he curses as he sees the petals scattered where he's managed to kick over his blanket. He turns back to Yachi, grabbing at her shoulders as he begs her, "Please, don't tell. Don't tell anybody, please."
Yachi gulps before nodding slowly. "I won't," she whispers. She knows the expectations for somebody caught with Hanahaki disease. "But," she continues, because she has to, "You know what the honorable thing to do would be."
"I know," Asahi whispers. He subconsciously moves his hands to touch his swords hanging at his hip. He knows what his duty is. To himself. To his master. But most of all, to Nishinoya.
Yachi looks at the grim look on Asahi's face and nods. "I understand. You should go, before somebody else comes looking. I can clean up the… your room. I can clean up your room for you," she says, avoiding eye contact as she moves around him.
She gives him a wide berth as he goes. Maybe she's afraid it's contagious, although it doesn't quite work like that, as much as he wishes it would.
–
His master is not so forgiving when he makes it into the main hall, panting for breath from even that short walk over.
Asahi bows down low, forehead nearly brushing the shoes of the master of the house, only to hear him click his tongue in distaste.
"Stand up. We can't delay any longer," he says, nodding to the lined up palanquin.
Asahi nods and stands, walking to the one Nishinoya must be in where he can hear his soft humming, only to stumble with a cough. The master whirls to face him, ready to tell him off only to see Asahi standing there, panicked with a handful of petals that he tries to hide behind himself.
The master's eyes widen before narrowing just as quickly as he stalks forward and smacks Asahi's fist until the petals are falling to the ground.
"Sakura? In the dead of winter?" he asks, derision dripping from his voice. Asahi prays that Nishinoya doesn't look out of his carriage as he dutifully stares at the ground, ignoring the stares of the other servants around them.
Asahi knows what his next order will be. What is expected of people like him, who let their emotions get the best of themselves.
The master groans with a sigh, pinching at the bridge of his nose. "I can't afford to hire another samurai, not now. See to it that you keep this under control. Perhaps it is high time we arrange you a marriage," he says, surprising Asahi.
"Master?" Asahi asks in surprise.
"You heard me," the master calls over his shoulder, stepping into his own palanquin. "Oh, and one more thing," he says, turning to stare at Asahi and taking in his trembling legs, gaunt face, and deep dark circles. "You don't seem fit to accompany us today. I hired you for your strength. Not whatever this is," he says, flicking a hand up and down in Asahi's direction.
With that, they take off and Asahi trudges back to his room to attempt some more fitful bouts of sleep.
His master has never been particularly honorable. Lucky that, for a man like Asahi, who's cowardice trumps honor.
–
He wakes later that afternoon with a strange sense of deja vu. The harried knocking is back, but this time it is accompanied by wailing, of multiple voices.
"Azumane san, please, you must hurry," Yachi's voice calls. This time, Asahi doesn't even bother with covering the petals and just yanks the door open, almost ripping it off its hinges as his fingers punch holes through the paper.
"What's–" before he can even finish his sentence, Yachi is grabbing his wrist, tears streaming down her face as she pulls him along barefoot behind her. "The… the master and his son, and everyone! They were attacked on the road back, it was bandits or, or something, I don't know!"
"What?" Asahi gasps out, grinding to a halt. Yachi stumbles forward and falls to her knees at his sudden stop, and with sudden clarity Asahi is reminded of that newborn foal who would trip so frequently over her own legs. "Is… is anybody alive?"
"Some," she whispers, rising to her feet on shaky legs. Her palms are slick with blood when she takes Asahi's hand between her own again. "The… the master is dead. And his son is…"
"No," Asahi says, shaking his hand out of her grasp. He moves forward automatically, his feet carrying him faster and faster in long strides until Yachi is running to keep up with him. They barrel down the halls and out to the main entrance until they round the corner and –
There. There are bodies laid out, wounded sitting to the side as servants come and tend to them. At the center of it all lays one body, gasping for air as his blood seeps into the ground. Nobody attends to him. Why?
Asahi rushes forward, cradles Yuu's head in his lap. "Help! Somebody help him, please! Why is nobody attending to him? He is your master! Help him!" The figures standing around him blur as his tears begin to run down his cheeks, but none of them draw closer.
"Azumane san," Yachi says in a soft voice. "He's bled too much. It's too late," she says, her voice cracking.
"No, no," Asahi gasps, bending over and cradling Yuu's face. "It can't be. You have so much to do. Your tutor will be disappointed in you, you were supposed to run the estate, you, you… Yuu."
"Asa… hi," Yuu's voice comes out in a soft whisper. His breath is somehow still warm, even amidst the bone chilling winter air. His eyelashes flutter as he struggles to open his eyes, searching for a familiar face. "You called me… Yuu," he says. There's a ghost of a smile on his face, the old one that he used to wear before Tanaka died.
"Yuu, I'm sorry," Asahi sobs, pressing their foreheads together. It's too late, though. Already, Yuu's lips are turning blue, his face ashen as blood continues to drain from his body, seeping through the cracks of Asahi's armor until even he can feel it against his thigh. "Please. I never had the chance to tell you that I loved you."
There is no response.
What use is bravery now, when it comes so late.
–
In the days leading up to the Nishinoyas' funeral, Asahi's coughs come less and less. It is as if a weight is being lifted off of his chest, as he can breathe easier each day.
It disgusts him.
Where the flowers recede, guilt returns to coil around his heart, making his limbs droop and eyelids sag as his nights are plagued now with nightmares instead of cherry blossoms.
The servants stand together, watching as their masters are buried side by side. With both father and son gone, it will be difficult for the family name to live on.
Asahi doesn't care about any of that. He stays behind as the rest leave to keep vigil over Yuu's grave.
Throughout the night, he does not cough up a single petal. In the east, the sun begins to rise.
"I apologize, for I was dishonorable," he says, bowing one last time to his young master.
Kneeling to the ground, he faces his only audience, a small crow perched atop the plaque reading "Nishinoya Yuu", and wraps a cloth around his tanto blade.
The honorable thing to do, when one is found to have encountered a disease as shameful as Hanahaki, is to perform seppuku and watch as waves of blossoms spill from the lungs, taking root in the ground and blooming bright and tall. Asahi had always been afraid, however, of death.
He realizes now, however, that what he truly feared had already come true.
Holding his breath, Asahi drags the blade from his heart to his right hip, grunting as he falls backward, blood already gushing out of his stomach. His last thought is that it would be nice, maybe, if they could reincarnate together in their next life, with no worries of class, duty, or lovesickness.
A single sakura blossom remains in the cavity where his heart should have been.
AN: thanks for reading! sorry but no happy ending on this bad boy... the beginning is fluffy tho?
favs and reviews are always appreciated!
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