Find The Lady

by anorc

Harry Potter interstitial stories. All the way from Book1 to Book 8, but only a few minutes a year, where Harry can relax, unwind, have a cigarette and be Just Harry. Harry's a bad boy and a worse adult, who (spoilers) ends up breaking up with his wife and 'dating' his best Hermione who's married to Ron. Ever wonder just how unreliable a narrator he was? Substance abuse. Swearing.

Find The Lady.

A Series of interstitial scenes.

By An Orc.

Warning adult themes, trigger warning for underage substance abuse, and bad Harry Potter. Contains bad language.

Harry Potter fan-fiction. Not for profit, Harry Potter etc owned by JK Rowling, her publishers and assorted multinationals.

A bookish beginning.

Harry Potter sat in the room his aunt and uncle had deposited him in. It was a lot bigger than the cupboard. And there were books… Dudley wasn't a big reader.

The toys were all ones Dudley had either broken or got bored of. It made Harry's precious five plastic soldiers and stub ends of chalk look a bit paltry. Still… there were books.

Harry found the books didn't take that long to read. And now there they were, taking up shelf space.

If only he could swap then for books he hadn't read.

The library had books… but these books were his, well practically.

Harry put the books in his old schoolbag and at the next opportunity went out with his fifty pence piece, and the stack of proper money he'd got from Hagrid to get home to Privet Drive on the train.

Harry went to the non-thriving metropolis that was the Shopping Precinct of Little Whinging. There was a concrete sign to that effect, covered in graffiti.

And there was a second hand bookshop.

Dudley's new old books were exchanged for 'store credit.' And Harry went looking. He saw the book out of the corner of his eye. 'Learn Magic' was the title. There was a smaller title underneath that Harry had to pick the brightly coloured paperback up to read 'And Amaze your friends'.

At the bottom of the cover it said 'Over fifty Magic tricks you can do with easily found things'.

Harry opened the book, full of hope. After ten pages, his hope was as dead as… well his parents. This was all sleight of hand tricks. You'd have to be stupid to think it was real magic.

Then Harry realised that his Aunt, Uncle and Dudley were in fact… quite stupid people. They hadn't asked how he got home from London on the train when Hagrid had dropped him off at Kings Cross with so many parcels. That folding trolley for the trunk was very useful.

Harry took the book, and the young, spotty man running the shop eyed him "Want to learn magic tricks?"

"I'm an orphan" said Harry bluntly "I need a job doing something."

"You might need a slightly better book to make a living off it" said the man "It's a bit dodgy, but here you go… and all your store credit's gone" said the shopkeeper, and slid over a battered paperback, along with "Learn Magic". The book was called "Street Theatre. A phenomenon."

Harry looked at the books and sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"My Aunt and uncle don't like me having stuff" admitted Harry honestly.

"Well, hand them back, I can change them so they won't care" said the young man.

Harry nervously slid the books back over the counter, and the young man got out some brown parcel tape and taped over the covers. Which now looked like really badly kept books, really. The, messily, he labelled one book "Learnabout English" and the other "Learnabout Mathematics"

"Nobody would ever look in those" said the young man, sliding them back over. Harry took out his fifty pence piece and slid it over "For the disguises" said Harry.

"Keep it, you'll need it for find the Lady" said the young man, with a shake of his head.

Harry took his new, old looking books home, and sat down to read about Street theatre. It seemed… a very complicated way of describing lying politely. Harry vaguely understood that already.

A week later, Harry felt he could play 'find the lady' well enough… he just needed some cups that weren't his aunts, and a table, and… well he had the fifty pence.

A piece of cardboard, three cardboard cups from the bin outside the coffee shop, and a second bit of cardboard labelled "ORPHAN"

And Harry played find the lady.' outside the train station.

The first punter was a man who looked like he wanted to give Harry fifty p. anyway. And he didn't find the fifty p., so Harry kept his.

A few hours later, Harry had money. It was … okay.

Except Dudley and his gang turned up and Harry had only one fifty p.

Dudley and friends went to the mens loos and came out soon after looking pleased.

On the way home that night, Harry wondered what they were doing.

Two days later, Harry saw a strange crumpled packet in Dudley's bin when he cleaned Dudley's room. A cigarette packet. A pack of ten.

After lunch, Aunt Petunia told him to go weed the garden. Which would take hours in the hot sun.

Dudley was standing around in the garden. Harry found cigarette butts.

"Dudley" said Harry "I can make you money, but I have to finish the gardening first. Help me, I'll go get fifty p coins and you can get cigarettes."

Dudley looked at Harry as if Harry had just asked him to do difficult maths or something.

An hour later, the gardening was sort-of done and Harry was pushed down to the playground, where Dudleys gang was.

"Wossup big D?" asked Piers "Why's you bringing specks"

"Cos he's gonna do that cups game thing at the train station, and we're taking the money for fags" said Dudely.

"And crisps and sweets" said Malcolm.

Harry was escorted to the train station in his crappy clothes by Dudley and his gang, and he set up.

Dudley and his gang wandered off to bully or steal.

Harry decided that every second coin went in the ripped seam of his old bag.

When he got dragged home late that night, he'd made money. And checked the mens. The cigarettes came from a coin operated vending machine. A second machine vended rubber johhnies. Which Harry figured he had no need for. Two packets of cigarettes also stashed in his socks.

Harry hid a packet under the broken floorboard. If you could bribe Dudley with it, who knew when that would come in handy.

Harry's first cigarette, lit with the stove hot ring, had him coughing. But then he felt calmness. And coughing. Harry decided the other nine were for emergencies.

As Harry sat on the Hogwarts express, he transferred the pack from his sock to his trunk.

-==0==-

Post-Murder Confessions

Harry finally got out of the hospital wing, had a bit of food at the feast, saw points awarded in a way that looked frankly bullshit.

He went to the Gryffindor dorms after the feast, with everyone happy. Harry went and got some parchment, folded it up like a letter, and stashed his cigarettes in a pocket. He went off "to post a letter" in the Olwery.

Once he got to the Olwery, He gave Hedwig an owl treat, and lit a cigarette using sparks from his wand. He coughed a bit, and sucked in some more. The calming effect of the cigarette slowly started to settle his jangled nerves, and he leaned against the dirty side opening of the owlery. Half a cigarette later, he felt so much better.

"What are you doing?" asked a little girl from the steps into the olwery. "Are you smoking?"

"I'm on my break." said Harry "I'm just having a cigarette."

The girl walked in "Oh," she said dismissively "it's you."

"Yeah but no" said Harry "I'm just Harry the orphan."

"Oh" said the girl more thoughtfully. "I hadn't thought of it that way. Who are you posting a letter to?"

"Nobody" said Harry "I'm having a smoke and not being Harry Potter for a bit"

"Alright" she said, and called down a brown owl called "belleryphon" and tied a letter to it's leg. The owl flew off into the twilight.

"I was olwing my sister. She's coming next year" said the girl. "I'm Daphne."

"Must be nice having a family" said Harry, smoking some more.

"Where do you go when you're not at Hogwarts?"

"Nowhere good" said Harry dismissively "They don't want me there and hate magic."

"Well, at least you're famous" said Daphne.

"I hate it. I'm famous for my parents being murdered. The only good part is that they didn't die in a car accident driving drunk" said Harry bitterly.

"If you hate it… why do you do heroic things?" asked Daphne. "Like saving that rememberall of Longbottoms."

"Malfoy was being a prat" said Harry bitterly.

"He's worse in the common room." said Daphne.

"So glad I talked the hat out of that" muttered Harry and smoked some more.

"I wish Dumbledore hadn't given all those points" said Harry "Slytherin won fair and square"

"What was that really about?" asked Daphne.

"Quirrell was possessed. I had to kill him" said Harry bluntly.

"Oh Merlin!" said Daphne "That's awful. Do you need a hug?"

"Only if it doesn't hurt my ribs" said Harry drily.

Daphne awkwardly hugged Harry, who stood rigidly "Sorry about all that" said Daphne.

"It's not your fault" said Harry "Thanks for the hug."

"You don't get many hugs, do you?" asked Daphne.

"I've had hugs from two people now" said Harry.

"You really do hate all that Harry Potter stuff, don't you?" asked Daphne.

"Loathe it, and the Gryffindor common room is having a stupid party" said Harry.

"Would you like a chocolate" asked Daphne "I've got a short bit of honeydukes mummy sent me."

Harry ate the offered square of chocolate, and Daphne munched one too.

"It's really good. Thank you" said Harry "I've got tons of chocolates from the hospital wing. Do you want some?"

"You couldn't give me chocolates. I'd be in trouble getting seen with you" said Daphne.

"Nobody would see anything. I'll leave some behind the door in the first empty dungeon room" said Harry. "Do you want chocolate frogs, beans or chocolate?"

"Dark chocolates." said Daphne firmly.

"Sure. Give me forty minutes" said Harry.

"You'll be seen" said Daphne.

"No I won't" said Harry, who threw his cigarette butt off the Owlery, "See you tomorrow Hedwig"

Hedwig barked and flew back to the rafters.

"She understands you" said Daphne, sounding surprised.

"She's very clever" said Harry.

Harry went down the steps and walked quickly off to the seventh floor, and with a little slipping through the crowd of raucous Gryffindor, up to his room, filled a pillowcase with chocolates from his trunk, and used his invisibility cloak to slip off, and down to the dungeons, where he slipped into the first room and left the pillowcase behind the door. Harry stood around for a bit, it was nowhere near curfew, so he waited for a bit.

A girl in a cloak came in furtively, and found the pillowcase, and picked it up, she rummaged in it and pulled out the three bars "Three bars!" she exclaimed. "I'll die… happy." she held them to her chest "Best friend ever" she said and left.

Harry smiled and practically skipped back up to his dorm room.

-==0==-

Home for the Holidays, Summer 1992 edition

Uncle Vernon gleefully locked Harry in his room.

Harry used plan B, and for cigarettes, Dudley brought Harry more food, and the bottom came off the owl cage, so Hedwig went off to get her own dinner.

For the promise of many pounds, Dudley's friend Gordon picked the locks on Harry's bedroom door, and Harry went off to the train station, equipped with a pound coin, and a fiver for Harry.

-==0==-

Troubled by a snakebite

Harry sat on the bed in the hospital wing, in hospital pyjamas. Ginny Weasley was several beds down behind a screen. Her parents were there, holding her hand and fussing over her. Screened off beds all over the room held petrified students, including Hermione.

Harry sat, wondering when he was going to get to go back to dorms.

Eventually, Ginny's Dad left, Ginny's mum sleeping to the chair next to her bed. The Weasleys talked quite loudly.

Harry went to sleep. The next day Harry was waiting to be let out of the hospital wing by Madam Pomfrey. Daphne Greengrass came in and while walking past very casually dropped a chocolate bar on his bed. Harry took it and supplemented the potions and healthy breakfast with some chocolate. It was milk chocolate, Harry noticed.

Daphne went off and asked Madam Pomfrey something, and was given a potion vial and walked out. That night, Harry went off to 'owl a letter'.

He was halfway though his second cigarette when Daphne Greengrass appeared.

"What did you do to end up in hospital again?" she asked.

"The petrifying," said Harry "Was a Basilisk, but seen in reflections. I... Well a sword. And that useless git Lockheart. Tried to wipe our memories; he's been wiping memories and taking credit for other people's work.

"He's good at memory charms?" asked Daphne worriedly.

"Till Ron's broken wand backfired and wiped his own memory" said Harry "I need another fag."

"Harry, do you think he might.. have memory charmed other people. Like the senior girls?" asked Daphne.

"Oh god." said Harry "He was quite awful… but. Ew."

"I'll mention it to some of the seventh years. They'll probably know how to spot memory charms" said Daphne.

"Professor Flitwick seems an honest sort" said Harry. "He is charms professor"

"You, of all people trusting authority?" asked Daphne.

"Well tell them he's been sent to the Janus Thackery wing at St Mungos" said Harry "In case he needs his bits hexed off."

Daphne blushed.

"The girls are always saying about hexing boys in the bits" said Harry "Stands to reason… hexing them right off. Don't mention my name. You overheard Madam Pomfrey and Mrs Weasely."

"What happened to Ginny Weasley?" asked Daphne.

"Bad things, but not that. Well, not Lockheart." said Harry. "Lets not say."

"Why you?" asked Daphne.

"Because every time something goes wrong poor bloody Harry Potter has to spring into action." said Harry. "At least there's no risk of points bullshit this year."

"You won the Quidditch cup" said Daphne.

"Yeah. And not for bullshit reasons." said Harry. "That bludger; it was a house elf trying to save me from the monster. He's really keen but a bit mental. He's a free elf."

"Well that's a friend who will come when you say his name" said Daphne.

Harry got Dobby to take Daphne the book on street theatre.

Dudley quite cheerfully let Harry out of his room and even helped with gardening. He wanted fivers now. Greedy bastard.

-==0==-

The day after the day after the Tri-Wizard Tournament

Harry leaned against the sloping lower wall of the owlery smoking in the near darkness. Butts littered the ground.

Five…. then the sixth discarded.

"Are you trying to set another record" said Daphne's voice from the darkness. "Cedric died in the stupid contest. It was dangerous."

Harry shook his head "We were both alive. Cedric got into a Harry Potter, boy-who-lived adventure and the villains just didn't want bystanders. They just said 'Kill the spare.' Like he was a flobberworm, you know."

"Oh" said Daphne standing close, staring at Harry's face. "You're… stuck being him now, aren't you?"

"Yeah" admitted Harry "Harry Potter action set, lighting bolt scar Complete with immortal dark lord enemy. I did get to meet my parents again though."

"Harry, they're dead. Had you taken a blow to the head?" asked Daphne.

"One or two… a bit of the old torture curse" said Harry. "I was so close. I could taste it. A boring year, no exams that mattered… Harry Potter could fuck off and I could just be… me."

"Well, as goals went it was a utter, complete unmitigated disaster" said Daphne. "Can you get away from Harry Potter this summer?"

"There's a chance. Stuff's moving into place for the next performance. Maybe a little break." said Harry.

"Well, do something normal. Go 'rip off some punters' as you call it." suggested Daphne.

-==0==-

Home for the holidays, Summer 1995 edition

The train trip home was hellish. Pregnant with Harry Potter, boy who lived.

Going back to the Dursleys like nothing had happened jarred. Uncle Vernon immediately incarcerated him.

Harry couldn't sleep, got Dudley to break him out of his room, and disappeared invisible into town.

He was, Harry realised dangerously close to becoming a smack-head. A few quick takings down at the train station, and he bought some cigarettes. The ten-pack lasted mere hours.

Harry had to do some find-the-lady to get some bribe money for Dudley, then started compulsively racking up winnings, even hawking from his stand. Which he never did. As the cash piled up Harry thought. 'But I'm not using this to buy smack. Which probably doesn't even work on wizards anyway.' As the light faded and Harry had far too much cash, he knew that once again, like the bad times, He'd been lying to himself.

Harry went down the alleyways past the lockups with dogs, to the van and hit Steve-o up for ….some stuff. Dudley bought pot and pills from him. Harry wanted something harder.

"Haven't seen you round before" said Steve-o. Harry handed over the bundle of fivers and got a bag of powder. The invisibility cloak went on as soon as Harry reached a dark spot and Harry trickled through the last pharmacy open, stepping causally around the staff, swiping the tools he'd need. And a quick thieving of the tobacconist, two large packs, and a very big lighter.

Harry cooked the stuff in one of aunt petunia's spoons, and awkwardly injected it. Seconds later, Harry knew that this stuff… this was what he needed. All his worries fell away, and Harry Potter, boy hero in a box was set aside for Harry Potter… smackhead.

Harry woke up a lot later feeling very shit, and cleaned up the mess he'd made. He felt dreadful, but… why shouldn't he. All the stuff went under the loose floorboard, except for a few fags.

Harry didn't bother going out that next night. Just a little smack to take the edge off.

After a week, he couldn't have persuaded Dudley to eat like a pig. There was just smack, and sleeping, and a little soup. And cigarettes. And then… some more smack. Till there wasn't any smack and Harry was a pathetic smack-head coming down from a week-long binge. Days of sweating and constipation later, Dumbledore's people came and took him away. To be Harry Potter, Boy hero with his school chums. Harry wondered about the ironic timing of that. If they' come for him four days ago, he'd have told them to get effed, he had smack. By the time the new term started, Harry confined and watched had decided… no more smack. Nobody had noticed his track marks.

He resolved to make the best of fifth year. Find some wholesome fun. But try to avoid all the coming shit-storm as long as possible.

-==0==-

Harry Potter, the OWL edition.

Harry, over the nights of the first week of term taught Daphne how to 'find the lady' with a fifty p coin, and three dented goblets and a tin tray supplied by Dobby. It was fun and Harry could laugh as Daphne guessed wrong, until Harry showed her how to do it.

It made a good break from worrying about Umbridge. She seemed intent on ruining DADA.

Daphne gave him back the street theatre book. "I'm not sure I like that" she said. "But you're a bit that way, and you're my friend."

After Daphne had the sleight of hand worked out, she put the goblets right way up in the tray and Harry said "It looks like you're serving drinks." Daphne looked at Harry oddly, and kept the goblets, tray and fifty pence. "I had an idea" she said. "I'm going to serve drinks in the common room for spending money" she said.

"You've got spending money" said Harry.

"I admit the thought of getting certain people drunk then fleecing the with find the lady appeals" said Daphne.

"And by certain people, you mean everyone" said Harry, with a wry smile.

"If you didn't want me fleecing people, you wouldn't teach me street theatre" said Daphne. "You're such a crook."

"I'm not getting them drunk first." said Harry "I just do it in the muggle train station where I live. My cousin still thinks he takes all my winnings."

"You're such a bad boy" said Daphne, laughing. "I can't do that at home. We're too well known."

"Like me here" said Harry "That makes me three times more famous than you."

Not mentioning what he'd spent all his money on was good. Daphne didn't need to know. Hell, Harry didn't want to remember.

-==0==-

Post-fuck-up no-godfather blues.

Harry sat leaning against a rock, looking out at the dark waters of the lake, full of grindylows and mer-people. He took out his cigarette packet, got one out and smoked it. The relaxation he wanted did not come. He still felt like such an idiot. And Sirius was dead and it was all his fault.

He coughed a bit, and had another.

A girls voice said "Here you are. I went all the way to the olwery."

Harry looked around and there was Daphne Greengrass, in a dark cloak.

Harry smoked a bit more, then said "I don't want to talk about it. I was so stupid and gullible and bad things happened. Friends got injured, and someone died. Not a student… but a friend of mine."

"We're kids." said Daphne "Don't think you're the only one that has regrets."

"Your fault for kissing him" said Harry.

"Fuck you" said Daphne. "It's none of your business" she said and sobbed.

"I was going to get adopted. But I fucked up and now he's dead and I'm stuck living with people who hate me." said Harry. Not mentioning the week on smack. Feeling sorry for yourself is one thing, but… admitting you jumped under the bus is too humiliating.

Daphne stopped sniffling "You fucked up that badly?" she asked "Wow." she said after a bit "Makes my mistakes look pretty inconsequential."

"How's the drinks business going?" asked Harry. Maybe save that story for cheering her up on a really bad day then.

"Great thanks" said Daphne "And I made eighty galleons this year. I'm going to Italy with my friends Tracy and Lily, we're going to have money to party."

"Sounds great" said Harry "I think I might have inherited some money from my … friend."

"Well, maybe you will be able to get a place to live once you're seventeen" said Daphne. "Get away from all that stuff."

"I… think I just inherited a house." admitted Harry. "Shame it's so naff."

"You could go to the train station, play find the lady all day, and go home to your own house. Sounds brilliant" said Daphne.

"Enough money to not need to work really" said Harry "The money'd come in handy for fixing the house up though." And not buy smack. Remember… not buying smack.

"Just remember Harry, you're not that Harry Potter git. You're my friend Harry, who taught me to play find the lady." Harry looked up at that, and his friend Daphne gave him a smile that was like a fucking patronus. Someone remembered who he was… even if he didn't. She thinks, therefore I am. I think.

-==0==-

Home for the holidays, Summer 1996 edition

That summer, the summer before sixth year Harry smelt a very different kind of tobacco in the back garden. He asked Dudley one evening. Because fifth year was something to only look away from. All of it, summer, and the year itself.

Grahame had given Dudley lock picks for the doors, and Harry gave Dudley a fiver.

"I'm smoking menthol's now" said Dudley and Harry sniffed his cousin. Smelt like a tobacco cough-drop mix. Not the tobacco he smelt.

"Someone's hanging around and smoking rollies" said Harry "In the back yard. Which means they're invisible. So they're a wizard."

"You lot can do that?" asked Dudley.

"I haven't learnt how, but there are cloaks that do it too, you just put on." said Harry.

"Wicked. I could rob a shop and not get seen" said Dudley.

"Our cops can see invisible people" said Harry. Because Dudley would take it if he knew Harry had one.

"Your lot have cops?" asked Dudley, surprised.

"And extra laws and all stuff" said Harry. "Dudley… there's some really bad… like wizard gang, and they um… they killed my parents. Their boss, he wants me dead. Till I'm seventeen, this place has like a… bubble of safety around it, and me living here charges it up. It keeps them away. Once I leave, when I'm seventeen, they'll come for me. And they are bad. Like murdering people bad. If I die before that… the protection will last till about summer. If they're guarding me… then our cops can't be trusted any more."

"Shit" said Dudley "We'll get told right?"

"Yeah. The boss on our side, he will tell Aunt Petunia in time to move." said Harry.

"So no find the lady, that's a shame you're a nice little earner" said Dudley. "Are there gonna be more of those mental things?"

"Not round here, but maybe if the war gets going again" said Harry "They tend to take the other bosses side."

"You're fucked" said Dudley bluntly.

"Get my trunk and a big stash of food and I'll give you ten pounds" said Harry.

"Fifteen" said Dudley.

"Done" said Harry.

At least, thought Harry as he ate the crisps, there's a textbook to read.

And he could have a sly fag out the bars of his bedroom window. Running out though.

Dudley took pity on him and for a fiver got him a three pound ten-pack from the train station. Chiseling fat prick.

-==0==-

Harry had never wanted to not be Harry Potter so much as getting on the train in sixth year.

He wandered the train at one point, and saw Daphne and friends in a compartment. She looked straight though him. That hurt, though he understood. Not a good time to be a friend of Harry Potter. Hermione had healed up, though Ron was a bit off still, from those brain things probably.

Slughorn's stupid party was like being rubbed in acid. Distilled being Harry Potter, boy hero forced into his veins. Harry wondered if he was going to end up a full-time smack-head at this rate.

Getting beaten up by fucking Malfoy was as bad as it could get. But no.

Finding out Snape was going to ruin Defence was the worst part of the sorting feast.

No… then Daphne gave him a look like she wanted him to fuck off and die. That was the worst part.

He went to send an imaginary letter to his imaginary friend. This year, he resolved, he was going to the tobacconist in Hogsmeade. No way he could not smoke all of the one lousy pack he had.

After two cigarettes, Daphne Greengrass turned up, looking very irritated. "Give me a cigarette" she said.

"You don't smoke" said Harry, and handed her one. Definitely going to the Tobacconist. The question was now, will the pack last two weeks.

Daphne coughed her way though the start of once cigarette, her hand shaking.

"You okay?" asked Harry, dreading what he'd hear.

"I'll live. It's my own fault… Like I listened to you complain about being an idiot, and decided to see if I could outdo you. Nobody died. What happened to you today?"

"Malfoy beat me up for spying on his compartment" Harry admitted. "I was bundled off to house arrest elsewhere. I had an incredibly boring Harry Potter Boy hero in a box summer."

"I wish I'd been there" said Daphne "I got a big bottle of regret and drank the lot."

"Italy?" asked Harry.

"Don't ask" said Daphne stiffly. "I used to wonder how you could get so touchy about stuff. Now I know."

"I think you'll find I fucked up more last year than you possibly could. Hermione nearly died, Neville, Luna and Ron nearly died, and my godfather did die, and I lost my only chance of being adopted out of the shit-show I live in. And you know why? Because I believed I was Harry Potter, boy hero."

Harry took a long drag of the cigarette.

"You're going to have to..."

"Go to the tobacconist in Hogsmeade. Yeah I worked that out."

"I was going to say quit smoking" said Daphne. "It makes you smell bad."

Harry handed Daphne an un-smoked cigarette "You keep this one, I'll only have what's in the pack left."

-==0==-

Home for the holidays, Summer 1997 edition.

They went home a week early because of Dumbledore. Harry crowded into the Hogwarts express Loo with Daphne Greengrass.

"I have to talk to you" said Harry.

Daphne looked at him really excited like Christmas was in June or something.

"I'm not coming back next year" said Harry "Time to put on my Harry Potter, boy hero suit and save the fucking day."

"And fuck Ginny Weasley" said Daphne, suddenly looking ropeable.

"I'm just snogging her. It's… something normal. Not the bad stuff that usually happens to me" Harry explained.

"She's a fangirl, you selfish shit" said Daphne, who for some reason started to cry.

Harry went back to a different loo and splashed cold water on his face. Tears seemed infectious somehow. With Dumbledore dead, how was Tom Riddle going to be defeated. Harry had no idea.

Someone barged into his loo. It was Daphne Greengrass again, somehow looking composed. Magic, he supposed.

"What's going on, really?" she said oddly calmly.

"He's back. He's building up his forces." said Harry. "Seems I didn't kill him dead enough."

"You're joking?" asked Daphne stonily.

"I can't tell you details. That makes you less safe. Avoid the junior death eaters, make sure people stay in groups, have escape plans. Next year… please keep your head down, keep your sister safe, and don't try to be a hero. It's not a good job at all."

Harry broke down in tears over the sink.

"What the hell is wrong with you" said Daphne.

"I saw Dumbledore murdered" said Harry, sobbing. "It was Snape. Malfoy was supposed to do it. But was too cowardly."

"Whereas you killed a man when you were eleven" said Daphne bitchily.

"A man possessed by Voldemort." admitted Harry. "So that bought us all four years. He got a new body at the end of fourth year."

"How long can it take to build up his forces?" asked Daphne.

"Not long now" said Harry. "Oh and I'm the chosen one."

"You're very full of yourself" said Daphne bitterly.

"There's a prophecy, And yours truly is it. Me or you-know-who." said Harry "I don't want to."

"Don't be a cry-baby" said Daphne "You hate the publicity and bullshit, but you beat a dragon when you were fourteen. If anyone can do this, you can. When this is over, I guarantee you'll never need to work a day in your life."

"Well" said Harry "There's a bit… can't tell you the whole thing… 'and the dark lord will mark him as his equal' So maybe I have a chance. I've faced him three times and lived… and Mad-Eye Moody says that's much better than most people manage."

"Try being sneaky. You're good at that, and doing things he didn't expect. And don't die" said Daphne.

"You care?" asked Harry.

"Of course I care" said Daphne "I'm your friend."

"What are you doing this summer?" asked Harry.

"Already arranged. We're going back to Italy for some more regret." said Daphne. "Because I apparently hate myself."

"Oh can I come along, I hate myself too" said Harry. And not knowing where the local equivalent of Steve-o was would be… safer.

"Arsehole" said Daphne sourly, and she left sniffling.
Making women cry, thought Harry was pretty much his signature move. Like a disarming charm.

The thought of dragging Daphne Greengrass into a loo, to do something other than pass on desperate warning and make her cry gave Harry a momentary feeling, like someone had fed him something, because his stomach flipped. He took several deep breaths. Typical, think about snogging a female friend and make yourself sick. At least the chest monster was real. The snogging was real… even if they had to break up for Ginny's safety. They were going to the Burrow from Kings Cross. Maybe one last goodbye snog.

-==0==-

One hour and fifteen minutes after the Battle of Hogwarts

Harry sat on the rock looking out at the dark lake, the smell of burning trees filling the air with a smoky smell that almost covered the stench of death.

He opened his mokeskin pouch and took out his crumpled pack of ten, and took out the one, last precious cigarette, lit it with a flame from one finger and smoked slowly. The smoke hurt his lungs, and he coughed a bit, but the smoke slowly soothed his nerves, and it gave his hands something to do.

"I thought I'd find you here" said a woman's voice behind him.

Harry reflexively turned, wand in hand, but it was only Greengrass, looking a bit bloody, a bit sooty.

"Still smoking. I thought you'd be off shagging Weasley after that show in the Great Hall?"

Harry blinked slowly.

"You've already finished? Typical man" said Greengrass snidely, and walked closer, casting privacy charms. "You should stop smoking" she added.

"This is my last one. I've saved it for two years" said Harry, and took another puff.

"I was surprised to see you and Weasley back together." said Greengrass archly "You were off with Granger… but then I saw Ron Weasley snogging her."

"She likes him" said Harry, slightly bitterly.

"You three are looking quite well fed for people who've been on the run" observed Greengrass.

"Living in a tent, moving every few days" Harry admitted.

"Where did you get food?" asked Greengrass rather incisively, thought Harry irritatedly.

"Tesco" said Harry "It's a muggle grocery store. Hermione had all the money from her Post Office account… it's like a very boring middle-class muggle Gringotts for children and old people."

"And that lasted a year? She must be richer than she looked" said Greengrass, surprised.

"We um, ran out" admitted Harry "So… she disguised me by shaving my head and I played find-the-lady for five pound notes."

"Where was Ron Weasley while you were finding Grangers Lady?" asked Greengrass.

Harry went red in the face, and had a shaky drag of his cigarette.

"Oh merlin you did? Was he out getting food or something?" asked Greengrass.

"He um… had to take a break, then the money ran out in winter… and well…"

"Did you do it out of love?" asked Greengrass, and that was an odd question thought Harry.

"I uh… I just wanted a shag, and after she wasn't looking so hungry all the time… we danced to the wizarding wireless… and what she wanted was poor lonely orphan."

"And you wanted in her knickers" accused Greengrass.

"She's my best friend… it wasn't like that… well a bit. But it was what she wanted" said Harry.

"That's the first time you've ever lied to me, Potter. Make it your last" said Greengrass. "You decided to be who she wanted, didn't you?"

"I hadn't had a shag in six months, and she was in the same fucking tent all day every day. I'm only human!" Harry said angrily. "I couldn't exactly go see Ginny for a quickie."

"She was busy" said Greengrass. "Very heroic young woman, running the resistance at Hogwarts, and only Michael Corner to comfort her. He's clearly her second choice."

"Well she'd snogged me in the great hall, and I'd just beaten the baddie… I'm the hero, I was entitled to at least a little reward" said Harry.

"You are green-eyed liar with the morals of an alley-cat who tells everyone what they want to hear, who becomes whoever they want. You don't have to do it any more, you know. You can stop. The war is over, Voldemort's dead." said Greengrass.

"I can't stop… they'll ..." said Harry nervously wishing he had another cigarette.

"You just go home, don't come to things you're invited to, send polite refusals. Maybe make a statement that the war affected you and you need to recuperate." suggested Greengrass.

"But they'll all want Harry Potter, war hero now." said Harry "And if I'm alone at home, well, I have needs, you know." And there's always Steve-o, ready to take my money whispered the other voice in his head.

"You are Harry Potter war hero. How did you do that last trick, it looked like… and Narcissa Malfoy was telling everyone… that you really died?"

"I ... I have no idea. It was a fluke." admitted Harry "I think I almost died for a minute there. I even talked to Dumbledore."

For some reason, this statement made Greengrass dash across the intervening space, kneel down next to him and start examining his arms and chest for injuries.

"What are you doing?" asked Harry.

Greengrass sniffed "I'm checking if my best awful friend is hurt" she said, sniffling again.

"It's okay Greengrass" said Harry, patting her on the back awkwardly "One new scar on my chest that's all"

Greengrass undid his shirt and looked at the scar that Ginny had run her fingers over half an hour before "Like the one on your head" she said, and did his shirt up very carefully without touching his chest. Which was weird, because the heat from her fingers doing up his ripped shirt was palpable.

"You wouldn't have to be alone you know" said Greengrass, sitting back on her haunches.

"What?" asked Harry "I suppose Ginny might ..."

"Want the Boy who lived, her great hero. In between pro-quidditch. She is really very good. Maybe better than you." said Greengrass.

"Fuck" said Harry.

"What's your problem?" asked Greengrass kindly.

"It's your fault. Now I'm thinking about stopping… and Ginny that wouldn't be like stopping. She's expect her personal hero." said Harry bitterly.

"Well conveniently, there is a witch who knows what a scoundrel you are and doesn't care." said Greengrass. "And that's me, before you strain your limited brainpower."

"You?" asked Harry. "But you're just my friend "

"The one person you don't have to lie to, don't have to pretend with?" asked Greengrass "You'd be stupid to be with anyone else"

Harry looked over at the soot-stained witch with bloody hands. She was looking at him like he was… the only person in the world. It felt uncomfortably like the look Ginny had given him an hour earlier. Greengrass must have decided something, because she sniffled, and rummaged in her robe pocket, and pulled out a small white cloth bag, badly stitched and embroidered with circles in green thread like some little kid had made it, and opened the drawstring of the bag, and emptied it onto the dirt between them.

A fifty pence piece, three badly dented goblets, a battered galleon, and a single, unsmoked cigarette. And finally, implausibly a small dented tin tray that shouldn't have fit.

Greengrass sniffed again "Well, as you don't intend to press your suit, I'm returning all your courting gifts" she said, her voice and lower lip quavering.

Harry stared at the junk… and the cigarette. Why had she kept all this stuff… then he realised, it was everything he'd ever given Greengrass on their … on his cigarette breaks from being Harry Potter, boy hero.

"Why'd you keep it all?" asked Harry, mentally treading into a dark room blindfolded.

"Because I needed it, to start with, and once I could conjure cups and trays, because my best friend in the whole world , who was a boy gave them to me, so I kept them in case - "

she started sobbing.

Harry reflexively held her … bloody, thin hand. It gripped him so strongly, he felt his bones shift painfully.

Greengrass sniffled again "In case he finally asked, and I could show our children later."

"Our… children?" asked Harry, and the crushing grip on his hand eased, but her other hand grabbed on as well. She was clinging to his hand like a drowning woman… like Crabbe's hands just before he fell into the fiendfyre. Harry's heart suddenly raced, and he had to get a breath... had to breathe…

Her hands let go of him, and she hugged him "Hey, relax…. it's over" she said, and sniffled.

"You'd tell your children about Harry Potter, crook?" asked Harry.

"I'd tell our children about Harry Potter, petty crook." said Greengrass into his shoulder. "I wouldn't want you to have to keep up that image."

Harry patted Greengrass on the back, and she sat up, and sniffed. Her eyes were reddish now.

"I've made a complete fool of myself, haven't I?" she asked, and sniffed.

"It was a bit of a surprise, that's all" said Harry "And… Ginny Weasley."

"Who is she to Harry Potter really?" asked Greengrass, in a tone like she cared, but was on the verge of tears. Always the crying women.

"Um…" said Harry. "She's… well… a fangirl and easy" he admitted.

Greengrass took out her wand and a pocket mirror, conjured a handkerchief and blew her nose… in a ladylike way, vanished the handkerchief, and applied some small charms to her face. She hardly looked like she was on the verge of tears any more. Then she sighed. "I've been a silly romantic schoolgirl" she said, picking up the things and putting them one by one into the badly made bag.

"It's a shame" said Greengrass "Weasley's such a pov. Of course, you accidentally happen to be rich."

"I'm not that rich!" protested Harry… but Ginny's family really were poor… and she wanted to be Mrs Harry Potter. Damn Greengrass and her cynical thinking.

"You should be" said Greengrass "Shake the Malfoys down. The only way they're not all ending up in prison is if you speak up for them. A hundred thousand galleons a head."

"No I can't. They spoke up for me, helped me win" said Harry.

"What did they actually do?" asked Greengrass.

"Narcissa lied when I wasn't… quite dead yet, and Draco lied when we were captured at Malfoy Manor. All Hermione had time to do was stinging jinx my face, and he pretended not to recognise me. Then Bellatrix tortured her for information. She… she kept screaming." said Harry hollowly.

"So two small lies, and you'll keep them out of Azkaban?" said Greengrass "Who's being a sucker now?" she asked harshly.

"I will not save Lucius, he's tried to kill me." said Harry.

"Fair enough. I'd want him in Azkaban for that anyway" said Greengrass. "Screw them to the wall."

Harry snorted. It felt good to laugh.

"So this is goodbye" said Greengrass, sniffling again.

"Why?" asked Harry.

"Well you're going off to be Harry Potter, boy hero who won, husband of Ginny Weasley. I … I can't see my best friend pretend to be someone he's not for the rest of his life." said Greengrass, and she started getting up.

"You'd … never speak to me again... for just… going on with the story?" asked Harry.

"Some things, like being who you really are, are non-negotiable and becoming a sucker, when you're the one scamming yourself. That's not unforgivable… it's just too painful to watch" said Greengrass. Harry felt a little thing in his chest break. He needed to believe in something… or it would all just be smack and oblivion.

"I just want to be just Harry. A wizard" said Harry feeling more upset than made sense.

"Hello Just Harry, I'm Just Daphne. You have one last chance to pull your head out your anus" said Daphne.

"I can't just stop!" protested Harry.

"You'd need to taper off the public appearances, be hurt and broken by what you endured" said Daphne.

"Not much of an act" said Harry bitterly.

"Well?" she asked, pointing at the cigarette lying between them "Going to quit or not?"

Harry snatched up the cigarette "I'll give this back when the clean-ups done" he said. The cigarette was summoned from his fingers with a flick of Daphne's wand.

Daphne shook her head "Goodbye Harry Potter" she said and walked off with the wonky bag of junk.

-==0==-

Hogwarts, the evening of the mysterious un-dissapearance of Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy.

In the headmistresses office sit three adults, two children on a row of straight -backed wooden chairs with Tartan inlays. The Headmistress has just ducked out… 'for a moment' out of some sense of decency.

Harry Potter, the lined, slightly greying head of the DMLE, signature wire-framed eyeglasses crooked, hair a mess like a black haystack, chin bluish with stubble.

Albus Severus Potter, with similar messy black hair, and green eyes. No glasses to hide behind, he hunches in the chair, his school clothes tattered.

Scorpius Malfoy, blonde with grey eyes, sitting tensely in the chair, his clothes tattered and soiled.

Miss Daphne Greengrass, Aunt to Scorpius Malfoy and effectively his mother. A middle-aged witch with blonde hair and brown roots, in a tidy black sack of a dress, with a small black handbag with a silver catch in the shape of a bat's head. Which might be joke, or merely indicate she just transfigured it from a bat and doesn't care.

Draco Malfoy, blonde, his face lined, light grey stubble on his cheeks, his expensive clothes tattered, leaning, almost reclining, looking at the ceiling, tears in his eyes.

"I could really do with a cigarette" said Harry Potter, breaking the silence.

"I didn't think you smoked, Potter" said Draco Malfoy, not moving his head.

"I have one left. But I think the case will never open" said Harry.

Daphne Greengrass said icily "I have one left."

Albus turned and stared at his father.

"Dad, you don't smoke" he said.

"I've been trying to quit" said Harry. "I think I'll have one more try" he said, and held his hand out across the boys.

"Father" said Scorpius Malfoy nervously "Aunt Daphne doesn't smoke, does she?"

"Scorpius, son… I didn't know who you were a week ago, For all I know your aunt smokes cigars" said Draco, and held out a hand, which Scorpius clutched.

Daphne Greengrass, professional aunt/mother opened her handbag and took out a small tarnished silver cigarette case, opened it and offered the one, battered, elderly cigarette.

Harry picked the cigarette out and eyed it. "Twenty one years old" said Harry.

"You chose to keep playing. Weasley then Minister Granger, how terribly mature of you." said Daphne, emotionlessly.

"Then my boy, and your idiot nephew, and my niece… " said Harry.

"How the hell is Rose Weasley involved in this?" asked Daphne Greengrass.

"Delphini Riddle's a relation" said Harry "Gaunts and Potters are related through the Peverells"

"And I'm a Siberian Princess" said Daphne sarcastically.

"Whatever" said Harry. "She's off to Azkaban. Probably…" he checked his watch "The nine pm ferry will take her."

"And now?" asked Daphne.

"I'm a crap dad, apparently and a worse husband. I do a great line in breaking up marriages, if you need help there."

"I never married." said Daphne.

"Dad?" asked Albus "Are you fucking Scorpius's aunt too?"

"No" said Harry.

"But he did Granger and Weasley in ninety-eight" said Daphne. "He'll be whoever he's with needs him to be."

"Dad!" said Albus "Are you a man-whore?"

"Daphne" asked Draco raggedly "How the hell do you know Potter."

"I've known him since first year, though I didn't seek him out every year on the express for a Tet-a-tete. I do wonder about you sometimes, Draco" said Daphne.

"Were you really Potters friend" asked Scorpius "You act like you hated him?"

"I … used to go and pick fights" Draco admitted, blushing a bit. "But in sixth year, Potter came to spy on me!"

"And you beat me black and blue like a good little death eater" said Harry "Still not the worst thing in sixth year."

"Dad!" said Scorpius "You beat up Harry Potter?"

"Well, he did nearly kill me later with a dark curse" said Draco "Though in hindsight… I kind-of deserved it."

"Dad!" said Al surprised "You're the head of the DMLE, the man-who-won,,, the boy who lived… you can't have used dark curses."

"Um" said Harry "All that and um… shagged Aunt Hermione while we were on the run. The thing is… the boy-who-lived… he's just a storybook hero. I couldn't… still can't live up to that all the time."

"But… you defeated Voldmort and everyone expects me to be like you" said Al.

"Well. That was mostly luck, and I'm really just Harry, who found out he was a wizard, then was expected to be a hero." admitted Harry.

"But you did all those things...and you won" said Albus, biting his lip.

"And he's a liar and a thief with the morals of an alley-cat" said Daphne. "Nobody's perfect."

"Potter… I knew he faked that headache to get out of OWL history of Magic" said Draco, cheerfully.

Harry looked over "No that was Voldemort sending a vision into my head, so I'd take a bunch of fourth and fifth years to break into the Department of Mysteries for him. Then your father and some of his death-eater buddies attacked us… and my godfather and friends came to save my stupid, gullible arse. That's when he died, my godfather. Why you don't have a proper family" said Harry to Albus.

"You put my father in Azkaban for that" said Draco.

"He was trying to kill me, and he was a marked death eater, just like you, ferret face" said Harry.

"Dad… if you were… one of them… why didn't you go to prison like granddad?" asked Scorpius.

"Because … Potter took a bribe and covered for us, your grandmother and I. We'd helped out a little, and Potter lied about it."

"Dad!" said Albus "You lied, and took bribes?"

"Bought the house we live in" said Harry calmly.

"Dad!" said Albus "you're… a hero..."

"It's really just a story… with some awful bits." said Harry. "Don't look so surprised. You know I cheated on your mum, and that Aunt Hermione's been sleeping over."

"Dad" asked Scorpius "Did you ever cheat on mum?"

"No" said Draco stiffly, and sniffled.

"But Pansy Parkinson was his girlfriend while he was at school" said Harry. "She suggested I be handed over to Voldemort in the great hall during the battle, and had to flee the country."

"Went to America" said Daphne. "Keeps a low profile. I get yule-letters. Unlike my sister who died trying to... to give you a second child."

"Dad?" asked Al "Is she one of your girlfriends too?" he indicated Daphne.

"A friend" said Harry "One I might have um… let down, but making women cry is sort of my thing."

"So you shagged her and cheated on her too" said Al.

"Boy" said Daphne sharply "If he'd shagged me, you'd have never been born."

"Someone's got an inflated ego" said Draco.

"Yes, you" said Daphne. "And Potter. And you could have talked my sister out of trying for a second child, you knew she was too sick. You talked her out of her knickers after all."

Scorpius Malfoy stared at his aunt, then turned to look at Draco, who avoided eye-contact.

"Dad" said Scorpius "Is that true… did you know mum was sick."

"Of course he did" said Daphne "My sister was born with it. When she was ten, they said she'd live to twenty. Then at twenty, maybe thirty. Your father met her in hospital, torture curse injuries from the war."

"I couldn't talk your mother out of it Scorpius. She knew the risk. She...she knew I wasn't a good man and loved me anyway. Your mother was the kindest woman in the world. " said Draco.

"Dad is that why… Miss Greengrass likes you?" Al asked Harry "Even though you're … bad sometimes."

"Um." said Harry awkwardly. "She um. Yeah. Like that."

"Your father used to hate being the-boy-who-lived. After the war, I suggested he stop playing the part. He loved your mother enough to decide to just keep playing. Being an Auror must have been easy Harry. A badge to tell you who you are every day" said Daphne.

"Mum said he was married to the DMLE. And that he might have forgotten her first year, but she hadn't" said Al. "I suppose it was when dad saved her."

"No" said Harry tiredly. "It was before that when nobody saved her and she got possessed. Oh and Draco, all the heir of Slytherin stuff, that was Voldemort and your dad giving the cursed thing to Ginny. A pure-blood witch, who was tortured and nearly died to uphold blood purity."

"It's thirty years ago Potter, let it go" said Draco bitterly.

"From today's… this weeks fiasco" said Harry "There'll be an investigation, and those time-turners are the cause, and yours, Draco. At the very least a scandal with you in all my press statements as the cause. Maybe the whole story will leak. Your mum will go to Azkaban, maybe I can get her the cell across from your father. I suppose… if I was kind, the adjacent cell, and a barred window so they could…. Hold hands."

"What about me" asked Draco.

"Probably a fine" said Harry. "Or a very large bribe. How about a million galleons?"

"DAD!" said Albus "You can't just ask for a bribe?"

"Al, it paid for the house we live in, and Ginny's divorce cost a lot." said Harry "And you and Scorpius nearly died, and destroyed history."

"More than once" Scorpius admitted.

Daphne took a card out of her handbag and handed it to Harry Potter.

"Please, read this aloud?" she asked.

"Daphne Q Greengrass, Senior investigator, Ethics… and Integrity commission, Ministry of Magic." said Harry, haltingly. "Oh fuck" he said.

"Mister Potter, you will be writing a letter of resignation to the Minister, who you obviously can't have in your house, given your current situation" said Daphne. "Retiring to spend more time with your family."

Draco Malfoy laughed for a while, Albus and Scorpius staring at one another in shock.

"Dad's really done it now" whispered Al to Scorpius.

"Daphne, you're the best" said Draco "I know we've had differences of opinion..."

"You begged me to marry you after my sister died, at her funeral, you arse" said Daphne. "Don't forget to pay Potter his bribe. Otherwise Narcissa goes on holiday and you get fined."

"But… you work for the Ethics commission" said Draco.

"Which Reports directly to the Minister." said Daphne. "Potter's going to be unemployable, and you're rich. You can afford a million galleons."

"But..." said Draco.

"Did you forget I sold booze in the common room for years?" asked Daphne "Then took all your money when you tried to find the Knut under the cup? Potter taught me that game."

"You… and him...all along?" asked Draco.

"Don't be ridiculous. He had his chance and blew it years ago" said Daphne.

"Um" said Harry "Would you… um… forgive me?" Harry asked.

"I'm not the one who you betrayed" said Daphne sharply.

"Um" said Harry and looked at the floor. "So… writing some letters" asked Harry.

"Would be a good start, being honest with people" said Daphne.

"Dad? what's this all about?" asked Al, and Harry Potter turned to his son and winced. "Al… I um… got caught up in being the man-who-lived and um… stopped being me. At all. I… I don't even like quidditch. I just liked flying."

Albus stared at his father in shock.

"I um… I love you kids." said Harry "But um… at the end of the war… I wasn't exactly in love with your mum. And she was in love with someone else. Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, man-who won. So… well I do love you all."

Harry stood up, swiped some parchment from a neat stack and started writing a letter.

"What are you doing dad?" asked Albus nervously.

"Writing my resignation letter." said Harry , scribbling and signing with a flourish, and starting on an apology to Ginny Weasley… then another to Hermione Granger. He signed the last with a wince. "She's gonna break my nose" he muttered.

"Dad?" asked Albus "What are you doing" ash Harry folded up three letters.

Harry opened the window and poked his wand out. There was a pause then loud squawk and Harry wrestled an indignant owl, shoving three letters in it's beak "Now go. Ginny Weasley first.!" he said sternly to the owl, which flew off resentfully.

"Did you just summon an owl?" asked Draco "A bit cruel."

"I'm out of time" said Harry "Twenty years late." and walked back to the chairs, holding a hand out to Daphne Greengrass

"And the rest" said Daphne Greengrass, standing up and holding his hand. Seconds later, Harry had grabbed her, and held her tightly, kissing her slowly.

"Potter and … Greengrass" said Professor McGonagall coming back into the room from a side door "I was expecting it to be Malfoy" she muttered.

Draco Malfoy stared at the Headmistress, going pale. "I'm going to need to drink an awful lot the get that off my mind."

Daphne Greengrass prised Harry's face of hers and said "Oh grow up Draco. Pansy's owl address is 431 104 east street, Manhattan." Then went back to snogging Harry.

Albus stopped watching, and looked at Scorpius "Are we going to be cousins?"

Scorpius looked over at the two adults standing, snogging, both people's hands going everywhere "You're getting a younger sibling." observed Scorpius.

Minerva McGonagall pointed her wand, and sprayed a large jet of water on the couple, thoroughly soaking them.

"Not in my school. Get out" she said.

Harry let Daphne go, and leaned over dripping, kissed Albus on the top of his head "See you at next holidays" and left, holding hands with a dripping Daphne Greengrass, who turned her head as she left "Scorpius, try not to get detentions" and left.

"Mister Malfoy, your son did not arrive at Hogwarts and has skipped three weeks of classes. He and Albus Potter will be placed on administrative report. One Detention, and they will both be expelled.

"Both?" asked Draco.

"If One of them is getting a detention, they will both be." said Professor McGonagall "As you apparently now know they are as thick as thieves. In which case, Beauxbatons might accept them if you begged. Potter would likely not want his son at Durmstrang."

"Where that boy goes – " said Draco, and stopped as Scorpius stared at Draco. "Dad!" said Scorpius. "He's my best friend."

"Scorp just wants to ask my cousin Rose out" said Albus cheerfully.

"No. Never" said Draco to Scorpius sternly. Scorpius lifted his hand and gave his father a single raised finger.

"It would seem your son is capable of being his own man, even if it took you decades" observed Professor McGonagall "Mister Potter If you'd pass along your being on administrative report to your father, who seems to have run off."

Albus and Scorpius walked down the hallways towards their common room. Draco Malfoy followed looking dyspeptic.

"Al… your dad's a dick" said Scorpius.

"And yours" said Albus. "Its… a relief really. Dad's secretly a complete bullshitter… I'm not bothered by being the son of the Great Harry Potter any more."

"Me neither" said Scorpius. "But my dad did beat your dad up."

"His Father" interrupted Draco "Disarmed me and took my wand for almost the entire second war."

Scorpius turned and looked at Draco "Disarmed you? Why would you tell us that?" he asked.

"Because I suspect he's going to be your uncle, official or otherwise. And I owe him a million galleons."

Scorpius turned back and the boys proceeded down the hallway .

"About your cousin" said Scorpius.

"I had a civil conversation with her this year" said Albus "Though why you'd like her. She's a bushy-haired know-it-all?"

"That's what her ex-husband called her just before they became inseparable friends" said Draco, sounding amused.

"Not a chance" said Albus "Jenny Waite from Ravenclaw."

"The one with the short skirt?" asked Scorpius.

"Yup" Albus popped. "Dad's a witch-chaser, I'm just taking after him."

"Your father is a witch-seeker, and I think you'll find the match is over now" said Draco smugly.

Scorpius stopped and turned "Dad, if Harry Potter's such a … philanderer, why would snogging Aunt Daphne change anything?"

"Because your aunt knows perfectly well who Potter is, better than anyone, apparently, and importantly, can put him in Azkaban for life for taking a bribe that big." said Draco. "Your mother was equally brilliant, if slightly less… devious."

"Aunt Daphne's not devious" said Scorpius. "Apart from the bribe and Azkaban thing"

"She ran the illegal bar in the common room for years, and would play a game with three cups and a galleon. Once we were drunk, she'd take everyones' pocket money." said Draco fondly. "Mummy did wonder why I needed so much money. Well, that and money for Pansy."

"Did you buy your girlfriend things dad?" asked Scorpius.

"And ah… paid for services" said Draco.

"Dad!" said Scorpius "That's..."

"Effective" said Draco. "We're rich. Granger's girl won't take payment. Well probably won't."

"Dad" said Scorpius "It's not a contest to be as bad as Harry Potter."

"Not having to live up to something any more is a big relief" said Albus.

"Al" said Scopius "We should try to be… less dicks that our fathers."

"Scorp, old buddy, that's pretty easy." said Al.

As the boys stepped though the secret door into the Slytherin common room Scorpius said "Dad… owl that Pansy lady. It's been six years of you drinking and moping." And the door shut, leaving Draco Malfoy to rub his stubbled chin and start walking slowly out of Hogwarts.

-==0==-

A couple were walking down the path from Hogwarts to the gates in the darkness.

"You owled Hermione?" asked Daphne.

"I did" said Harry.

"And Ginny?"

"Yes"

"And resigned?"

"Yes"

"Good" said Daphne.

"Ill um… need to..."

"Hide somewhere while Granger moves out?" asked Daphne. "Use one of your other houses."

"The other place is awful" complained Harry.

"And you should write to Ron and tell him the truth" said Daphne ignoring that. "You fucked his girlfriend, his wife and he kept thinking you were the hero."

"He um… hates me now" admitted Harry.

"Well, you still owe him an apology" said Daphne.

"Are you um..." asked Harry.

"No" said Daphne firmly. "I'm going home and having a bath. Alone."

"but I thought..."

"Your current squeeze is living in your house. I think not" said Daphne.

"Please?" asked Harry "It's a mouldy dump and the house elf there's a crazy old blood purist"

"Do you neglect all your assets?" asked Daphne curiously. "How much money do your holding even make?"

"What's a holding?" asked Harry.

"You doubtless own everything the Blacks did… land, houses, shops, shares in businesses." said Daphne, drawing her wand and casting a spell on Harry's balls.

"What was that?" asked Harry nervously.

"A chastity detection charm" said Daphne "It better be there when I check again. Surely you've been getting rents paid into your vault?"

"I don't know. Might be" said Harry.

"Go find out" suggested Daphne "Find out what you own and go see who's there. Maybe they're paying you rent, maybe they owe you money."

"Well if they owe me" said Harry "As far as anyone knows I'm still head of the DMLE."

"For however long it takes Granger to stop panicking" said Daphne.

"Oh a few days then" said Harry "If I keep out of sight."

"Don't just duck off like a coward" said Daphne "She deserves to meet you."

"Erk" said Harry.

A frustrated Daphne grabbed his hair and tugged "Fine, I'll use polyjuice and do it for you" she said.

"Thanks" said Harry "It's just.. she'll want me to um… not go… and stuff" he said awkwardly.

"I suppose you've never really stood up for Just Harry, have you?" she asked.

"Not exactly no" admitted Harry.

"Where's this other house of yours?"

"Twelve Grimmauld place Islington" said Harry.

"My, that sounds cosy" quipped Daphne.

They reached the gates, stepped out and vanished in cracks of disapparation.

-==0==-

Harry Potter, of number twelve Grimmauld Place, Islington, was sitting drinking tea at the kitchen table in the cavernous kitchen when the fireplace went green and a witch stepped out. Harry had tensed and drawn his wand, relaxing when he saw it was a blonde.

Daphne Greengrass got the soot off herself with a charm and looked around.

"What a dump" she said precisely, and walked over to the table and sat. "Tea please" she said.

Harry went and get her a mug and made her tea with a teabag.

"Erm" said Daphne "Hermione was… quite insistent that you stay.. that you stay with her." and she blushed.

"How insistent?"

"I uh… while polyjuiced as you… might have received oral sex from the Minster for magic" said Daphne. "And it's off enough being male without having sex with someone as well. Now I see why men are so insistent about blowjobs."

"So… we've got shagging Hermione in common now" said Harry with a sigh.

Daphne went redder.

"Oh… she does tend to want a shag afterwards" said Harry. "You did… didn't you?"

"What was I supposed to say" hissed Daphne. "And blowjobs are very distracting. I could hardly think straight."

"So you had breakup sex with my ex" said Harry "I envy… me. Even for me that's good."

I just had to come out and tell her" said Daphne.

"That you were you?"

"That it was breakup sex" corrected Daphne. "And that Daphne Greengrass was queen of my heart."

Harry snorted "How did that go over?"

"She cried" said Daphne bluntly. "Then offered to be my bit-on-the-side. I declined."

"Good of me" said Harry snidely.

"Then she tearfully offered to … engage in a Ménage à trois. That's a… house of three."

Harry groaned "Lucky me" he said.

"Unfortunately I'd um.. lost track of time and the polyjuice wore off" said Daphne.

"lost track of time?" asked Harrry.

"Granger is very persuasive" said Daphne "And apart from thinking I was um… coming when I changed back… well… she was polite."

"And?"

"I'm fired" admitted Daphne. "Conflict of interest and um… well… I should have stuck to blowjobs."

"Oh" said Harry "Are you er… bi?"

"No" said Daphne "but it's all so different when you've got a dick, and then Granger was sucking it… and well…"

"So how does it compare?" asked Harry curiously.

"I'll be female thanks." said Daphne "If that's a male orgasm… well. I'm not doing that again."

"Well I'm not trying it" said Harry.

"Like to be the one doing the fucking not getting fucked?" asked Daphne.

"Yes" said Harry emphatically. "Definitely."

Harry was holding Daphne's hand while she drank tea, when the fireplace went green and Hermione Granger, Minister for magic stepped out.

"Found you" she said. "Both of you."

"I'm sorry Granger" said Daphne.

"I'm sorry Greengrass. But… it really is a conflict of interest. It's not about… what happened. Though… I'm really not into that… with girls." said Hermione.

"I'm not either" said Daphne quickly.

"Um… have you moved out?" asked Harry.

"No!" said Hermione "I was looking for you. When the hell did you start seeing Daphne Greengrass? You never spoke to her at school."

"Not… exactly" said Harry. "Not many conversations… but heartfelt."

Daphne held his hands.

"I've known you since the train to Hogwarts Harry" said Hermione. "I even knew about you from the books..."

"That's the problem" said Daphne. "He's not Harry Potter the boy who lived. He's just… Just Harry" Harry started to cry.

"I'm from Surrey" said Harry "I didn't even know magic was a thing, then people expected me to be all brave and stuff..."

"But you've always been brave" said Hermione. "You're my heroic friend."

"Who goes off for a cigarette break with me" said Daphne.

"Eleven!" said Hermione "You were smoking at Eleven!"

"My nerves were shot" said Harry "I'd just killed a man, Hermione. I was eleven. The cigarette helped."

"So you're his supplier then?" asked Hermione.

"I have no idea where he got them from, and I've been trying to get him to quit since sixth year" said Daphne.

"I didn't buy any more and you had my last one in your bag for twenty one years" said Harry.

"What… why?" asked Hermione confused.

"After the battle of Hogwarts, like a silly romantic schoolgirl I… asked my best male friend to be… mine" said Daphne "He gave me his last cigarette beginning of sixth year. I thought it was a promise." she sniffled, and Harry patted her hands.

"But… Ginny… me!" said Hermione. "Where did that cigarette go?" she asked.

"I smoked it yesterday" said Harry "It wasn't even very good."

"Harry! That was a keepsake!" said Daphne loudly and angrily, pulling a badly made old white cloth bag out of her handbag, which it could not have fitted into.

"My courting gifts bag, I made it when I was eight years old. It has everything Harry ever gave me, except for a cigarette he smoked. I was going to keep it to show our children" said Daphne.

"Oh. that's why that old bag is a bit wonky" said Harry.

Daphne emptied out the bag, and dented goblets, a fifty pence piece, a tray that never could have fit and … a crumpled thirty-pack of cigarettes.

"I never gave you a packet" said Harry suddenly.

"I put my spares in here when my sister died" said Daphne "I think. I was a bit upset."

She opened the packet, and inside was one, tattered cigarette.

"Oh" said Daphne "I must have put your one in the box, and mine in the case."

"Do you smoke?" Hermione asked Daphne.

"From ninety-eight to two thousand and one. Mostly pining for that arse." said Daphne, still holding one of that arses's hands . "Then my sister got too sick to cope with the smoke and I stopped. Then …she died and I ended up raising Scorpius while Draco tried to discreetly commit suicide inside a whisky bottle."

"Um" sad Hermione "What.. are your intentions for my friend?"

"Well, yours was a blowjob and begging" said Daphne "And … very nice by the way… my plan is a bit more… traditional."

"What?" asked Harry.

"You apologise to all your close friends, resign, stop being the boy-who-lived, then put a ring on my finger" said Daphne.

"Ring… quite traditional then" said Hermione.

"Well, I tried other things, but I want him to be just mine and always with me" said Daphne.

"Oh… Italy" said Harry, and Daphne nodded minutely.

"Italy?" asked Hermione.

"None of your business" said Daphne stiffly.

"You pretended to be Harry and shagged me!" said Hermione.

"I went clubbing in Italy in the summers. I … would pick up boys." said Daphne "I was looking for something, and didn't find it. Then Lily pointed out I'd only pick up black haired boys with green eyes, and I could date Harry Potter instead." she sighed "And the one with messy hair lasted two days."

"Oh my" said Hermione. "When did you realise?"

"The next day" said Daphne. "And I stopped going."

"Not… oh… when?"

"End of sixth year Harry dragged me into a loo on the train… and I thought he was going to ask… and... and he just told me he was going away and to be careful." Daphne sniffled.

"Oh my god. What a let down" said Hermione, and went over and patted Daphne's shoulder.

"Harry you're such an arse" said Hermione. "Why were you dating Ginny if you'd been giving Daphne things and..."

"Don't ask" said Daphne "You might lose some illusions."

"Harry?"

"She… was pretty and a fan-girl and in Gryffindor and … easy" said Harry, blushing.

"You… you cad" said Hermione.

"Well… I did love her… till uh… I didn't" said Harry.

"Will you… um… " asked Hermione.

"Harry!" said Daphne.

"I need to be out of all of that Hermione" said Harry "I just want to be myself."

"Harry?" asked Daphne "A ring?" she said pointedly.

"Kreacher!" Harry called.

The old elf appeared with a pop "Halfblood master soils our house with a mudblood again." croaked the elf.

"Kreacher, meet Hermione Granger, Minister for Magic" said Harry "And muggleborn."

"Minister… is… muggleborn" croaked Kreacher, his eyes bulging.

"Kreacher" said Hermione politely.

"And Daphne Greengrass. Who needs a Ring. Go get the biggest, most expensive ring for a woman we own" said Harry, and Kreacher disappeared with a pop.

"Oh, aren't you just Mr send a house elf to do a man's job" said Daphne.

"I was hoping to spend some time with you" said Harry, holding Daphne's hand.

"I um… should get going" said Hermione awkwardly. "And I never should have offered to um. Menage-a-trios." she said. "I'm not like that."

"But you'd shag your married best friend at work?" asked Daphne. "Are you being entirely honest with yourself about who you are, Hermione?"

"I'm human, I make mistakes" said Hermione, and crossed her arms "And my best friend turns out to be..."

"Just a man" said Daphne, and she looked thoughtful "When you were on the run, and Harry made all that money, weren't you surprised?"

"When he went begging?" asked Hermione "I had to stay at the tent. Two of us was too distinctive."

"Harry wasn't begging" said Daphne, going and getting some mugs from a shelf and dropping a coin on the table. "Harry, make a galleon" she said.

Harry put his hands on the cups, and quickly placed one mug over the galleon, the other two beside it, and fluidly and rapidly shuffled the mugs. "Now…. Mrs Granger…. Pop a galleon on the table and tap the one that's got the galleon." said Harry in a practised patter.

Hermione smiled, gave a little laugh and tapped a mug. Harry reached over and lifted the mug up to show bare table. "Looks like you lost your galleon" said Harry snatching it and putting the cups back in place and shuffling them.

"Oh, great trick Harry" said Hermione. "Give me the galleon back?"

"You guessed wrong, I can't give it back. Wouldn't be fair" said Harry. Daphne smiled slightly.

Ten galleons later Hermione said "Okay, you're good at that trick. Turn over all the mugs."

Harry shook his head, pulled all the mugs in close to him and slid them around fluidly on the table, lifting one mug, righting it, then the second, then the third, where a shiny galleon sat.

"It took me two weeks to learn from him" offered Daphne.

"So it's… wandless conjuring, or vanishing or something?" asked Hermione.

"It's not actual magic at all" said Daphne. "There are, Harry's met them, muggles who are even better at this."

"It's easier with fivers" admitted Harry "Less noise, no coin noise to notice, plus you get a fiver each time."

"Still, I made plenty of money in the Slytherin dorms" said Daphne.

"Getting the marks drunk first is cheating" said Harry.

"Oh please. I only got a few hundred out of Malfoy." said Daphne "You shook him down for a lot more."

"He owed me" said Harry, with a trace of a smile, "And I owe him really, he kept you under a cup for all those years."

Daphne smiled shyly and turned her head. "Flatterer" she said.

"What?" asked Hermione.

"The game..." said Harry "Is called find the lady."

Then Kreacher reappeared with a small steel box.

"The ring, master" said Kreacher.

Harry opened the box and there was a ring in the box. In much the same way Voldemort was an evil wizard. It was a huge glittering thing made of silvery metal and covered in emeralds. Harry pulled the ring out of the box, and a little paper tag dangled for a thread. Harry offered Daphne the ring "Would Just Daphne care to Marry Just Harry?" asked Harry.

"With a ring that large?" asked Daphne "I feel like I should go get native bearers to carry it around for me."

Harry manoeuvred it onto her left ring finger, where it covered her entire top joint in silver and emeralds. She lifted her hand, and groaned theatrically, pretending to use her right hand to support it, then simply reading the paper label aloud "Goblin wrought silver and emeralds, ten carats, fifteen twelve for Lysandra Black nee G – "

"What?"

"Greengrass" said Daphne "Lysandra Greengrass." she said, and shook her head.

"Well it was four hundred years ago, and I'm only a Black by adoption." apologised Harry.

"You idiot, mummy and daddy will flip. Re-affirming the ties between Black and Greengrass" she said.

"Where the hell was that?" asked Hermione "Ginny's ring was …."

"One she picked" said Harry. "Didn't want an old ring. Daphne wanted an old one."

"Daphne has an old one" said Daphne "And now thanks to the betrothals and other matters act, eighteen twelve, your tight little arse is mine."

"I have to get going" said Hermione "I've got a pile of reports to read a yard tall."

"It's a shame really" said Daphne. "Theo had a thing about Granger at school. Well… he's in Azkaban now for resisting arrest."

"Why would someone do that" asked Hermione.

"Which. Have a thing about you, or duel the great Harry Potter and get arrested?"

"Arrested!" said Hermione loudly.

"To buy time for an accomplice to destroy evidence that implicated the accomplice" said Harry. "Who subsequently held the DMLE with a particularly nasty problem and paid their debt… to society."

"You're telling me there's someone in Azkaban for basically resisting arrest?" asked Hermione.

"Well given he fancied you, and we'd just shacked up… it's not surprising he got a bit energetic with the dark curses" said Harry. "Not that he was very good."

"Harry!" said Hermione stridently "What was he actually guilty of?"

"We had a tipoff to search his manor, and he stopped us searching his office, the resisted arrest" said Harry.

"So no actual evidence he committed a crime" said Hermione "That's terrible. He could be innocent."

"He's not" said Harry.

"And what proof?" asked Hermione stiffly.

"Well…" said Harry, looking constipated "None." he said.

"Well I shall have to pardon him" said Hermione.

"And not because you're on the market for a wizard" said Daphne looking down her nose.

"I am not corrupt!" said Hermione.

"Best not be seen with us" said Harry "Both leaving the ministry for er… ethical reasons."

"Well, any parent would drop everything and run off if their child went missing" said Hermione. "But… as head of the DMLE, you had to realise that would place you position in jeopardy. Daphne on the other hand… Such a conflict of interest to investigate a boyfriend."

"Betrothed now. It's like engaged, but he'd have to divorce me" said Daphne.

"For just a ring?" asked Hermione "That seems open to abuse."

"Its not just the ring, it's also who he is in his family as head of house, me being the heiress of the house, the value of the ring, his promise gifts, which I have kept." said Daphne.

"You've...been building this like a legal case for decades?" asked Hermione.

"Well,as you know, some things are worth the effort" said Daphne.

"You were Harry, but…. He Harry's better than you" said Hermione.

"I'd hope so" said Daphne. "Don't you have wrongs to right, Minister?"

Hermione left.

"A galleon Theo obsesses over her" said Daphne.

"I don't know him much, but he's a bloody dangerous genius and bookworm." said Harry "I hope he doesn't say what he was doing."

"Doubt it, he was a Slytherin after all" said Daphne. "Has this place got a decent bedroom?"

-==0==-

The Prophet a day later mention Theo Nott was pardoned and released on parole.

Harry got a formal letter from Hermione saying her effects were gone from his house.

He moved home from Grimmauld place, and owled Daphne to say he was at home.

Daphne Greengrass dropped off a suitcase that afternoon. "Can't stay, father's caught wind of my unemployment and has me helping with the business." she said, kissing his cheek.

"And get your family investments in order" she said just before flooing away.

Harry had made notes on the remarks she'd made previously about the matter and was puzzling over lists of possible suspects, no… informants to question about what he owned, when the fireplace flared green and Hermione Granger came out in full minister regalia.

"Mister Potter" she said formally "The ministry needs to hire you to solve a problem with Azkaban"

"What sort of problem?" asked Harry "Demolishing it?"

"Theodore Nott, when his cell was opened had been constructing a wand." said Hermione. "From as far as we can tell, human hair, blood and rat bones. Olivander says its the worst wand design he's ever seen, but that in time, he could use it – "

"What to cast spells?" interrupted Harry "That's… a problem right there."

"No" replied Hermione "The wand would never manage much more than a first year spell, and not enough power to lift even a bun-sized rock."

"So it's useless then. No problem"

"He was also carving runes on stones." said Hermione. "And the wand would work perfectly well."

"What was he doing?" asked Harry.

"He won't say, and its' not technically illegal, so we can't just veritassium him" said Hermione.

Harry thought "It doesn't matter what he was doing " said Harry. "Write something dangerous in runes on a doorway in prisoner in-processing. Anyone that flinches, put them on a roster for cell searches. And cavity searches obviously."

"You really are a crook" said Hermione "And you've got ten galleons already."

"That was for losing at Find the Lady." said Harry. "I want a hundred."

"It took you a minute" said Hermione.

"But nobody at the department worked out how did they?" said Harry and scowled at his list "I've got lots to do and I'll need money for it, so get on with it"

"What' your problem?"

"Working out what land and stuff I inherited from Sirius and my Parents" said Harry "I never cared, but Daphne says it's the family investments."

"I can get a report out of the ministry for you" said Hermione "An internal inquiry so no fees for you"

"And who lives in the houses, who uses the shops, who owns the things I' got shares in… apart from Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes obviously." said Harry.

"Seems fair. Thank you for helping the DMLE with that problem Mr Potter." said Hermione.

"Next time, send a DMLE staffer?"

"But… you sent me roses?" asked Hermione.

"Not me" said Harry "And I just lost a bet."

"What?" asked Hermione, confused.

"Minister Granger, you have a secret admirer" said Harry. "Owl post the report please. I'm gardening most days"

-==0==-

Daphne Greengrass owled to say she was coming after dinner.

Harry was sitting trying to learn the first thing abut runes when she arrived by floo powder.

"Harry!" she said.

Harry pulled out a galleon and slide it onto the table "You win the bet." he said.

"What?"

"Hermione got an anonymous bunch of roses. And Theo Nott is a very clever boy." said Harry.

"Tell me about it in the bath" said Daphne "I really fancy a nice warm bath with you."

…

"He made a wand from rubbish and was making rune stones?" said Daphne later, lying against Harry in a bubble bath. "Why tell you?"

"They wanted a control for it" said Harry "I suggested writing some dangerous runes on a door in prisoner in-processing and searching the prisoners that reacted to it more often."

"I did runes" said Daphne.

"Well, you'd get cavity searches then" said Harry.

"Oh really? Any chance of a cavity search?" asked Daphne. "I know you'd have to be very thorough."

Harry reached down into the water, Daphne wriggled then squealed "Harry!"

"I'm being thorough. You could have contraband anywhere" said Harry.