Why?

Chapter 2 - The Question

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Harvey made some coffee for Donna while she bathed. He hoped she had not fallen asleep in there. He was sure that she would drown. He also had some milk and decided that if the coffee or water did not help her hangover he would seduce her with chocolate milk.

As he worked in the kitchen, he kept tilting his ear in the direction of the bedroom entry way to hear if Donna was coming out of his bathroom. He had only seen her this drunk before at an office gala after Mark Meadows had broken up with her. He and Donna had attended the gala together as they frequently did when they were each at loose ends. That night he had taken her back here to be ensure her health and safety. It was something that friends did for each other. Harvey knew all the time she had saved him from doing something stupid or acting improperly. So, as a friend, he reciprocated that night.

Just like tonight he had lent her some of his Harvard duds, let her take a shower, and made her some coffee. It was only in the middle of the night that she had begun to cry and hid her tears by throwing up in his toilet.

I just don't understand her behavior tonight just as I couldn't understand her attitude toward me earlier. Now this. What is it that she wants to ask me?

He realized his cocoa almost burned in the pot as he stirred it, so he quickly poured it into a mug and added some whipped cream which made Harvey smile thinking of the other time. He was a little worried, so he took two steaming mugs with huge swirls of whipped cream quickly melting into the chocolate and made his way to the bathroom door.

He heard the shower going, so he knew he would have to be loud if she were going to her him.

"Donna!"

No answer.

He grew concerned after two more tries and walked over to his credenza and placed the hot chocolate filled mugs on it. He went back to the bathroom door and started knocking and calling her name.

After a couple of heart wrenching moments, Donna opened the door.

"What?" She asked annoyed. "Why are you yelling outside the door? Do you have to pee? I mean you can come in. I didn't lock the door."

"Donna," he said disgustedly. "You haven't been yourself all day and then you come to my door drunk off your ass, so I was...worried."

He blanched when he saw the flabbergasted look that Donna's face wore. Then she smiled and came out of the bathroom fully dressed from head to toe in Harvard wear. They walked toward the entry into the living room when he retrieved the hot chocolate mugs.

He watched as she smiled in recognition.

"Hot chocolate? You are a good friend, Harvey," Donna remarked as she retrieved one of the mugs (the one with the most whipped cream left), sipped it, and said, "Thank you. This hits the spot."

Harvey reached out and thumbed away her whipped cream mustache. Harvey's tingled when he touched her. He had felt it before and that was one reason why he restrained himself. Deep down he knew he loved this woman and wanted her, but if he tried she would go, he just felt it.

Donna stood still for just a minute and averted her eyes. She wondered where his mind went as he had wiped the cream from her face. She so badly wanted to lick his thumb. His touch had sent a flood of shivers down her spine. It must have been the whipped cream she thought.

Her mind was suddenly filled with images of them years ago. She wondered if he thought the same when he touched her. She thought he might as his face wore such an intense expression.

After a moment that seemed an eternity, Harvey guided her down the one step so she would not fall in her sobering yet wobbly state. They took a seat on the couch where there was a bottle of water waiting for her and a tumbler of Macallan 18 for him.

She pointed at the water and smiled again. As she sat back she looked at Harvey and said, "Thank you and I'm sorry."

"You don't need to thank me. Why are you sorry? I'm always here for you, Donna," Harvey said.

Harvey watched Donna as she curled her socked feet under her and continued to sip her hot chocolate. Harvey sat back and crossed his legs and finished his cocoa in a gulp. He smiled as he heard Donna's laugh.

"What?"

"Who's got the mustache now?" She asked and leaned forward without compunction thumbing away his mustache.

Harvey's eyes followed her as she wiped away the cream and then she leaned back in her seat. His heart was racing. As a matter of fact it had not stopped since she walked into his apartment. Drunk or not, his heart always leapt at seeing her and his mind always flooded with memories of their times together. Just a few glimpses of her face in those moments flooded his brain. Since his breakup with Paula, his mind and heart frequented those moments in time like a scrapbook. He always wondered if she ever had the same thoughts. Donna, as much as she wanted you to believe that she was an open book, could erect a wall just as quickly as he could.

Harvey placed his mug on the table and sat back. He sat with his arms outstretched on either side of him. His fingers slightly touching her upper arm as she sat perpendicular to him. He touched her lightly, barely, with his finger which brought her eyes to focus on him directly.

"Feeling better?" Harvey asked.

Donna sipped the last bit of her cocoa and looked over the mug at him and nodded. She then echoed her nod with the words. "Little bit." She was still a little lightheaded and she hoped she would not throw up this comforting beverage as her stomach was still rolling around inside her body.

"Good. Because you kept saying that you wanted to ask me a question and I'm wondering what that question is?"

Donna looked at him. She really felt put on the spot.

"Well... it's not to marry me if that's what you're worried about," she bantered back at him, her hand stopping short of his thigh before it touched.

Harvey smiled at Donna's quip.

She put her hand to her head and breathed heavy for a minute. The room was suddenly spinning, but she felt that it was in no way a reaction from imbibing a little too much alcohol. She instinctively wanted to keep the discussion light between them. She had subconsciously decided that now was not the time to ask him after all, but now since he brought up the reason for her visit on this ridiculous evening the air was suddenly very heavy between them. Silence hung between them so loudly that they could hear the pouring rain as it blew against Harvey's glass windows. .

When he recovered, his face took on a serious turn and he changed his posture from one of nonchalance to one of concern turning to face her bending over his knees and placing his elbows on them folding his hands.

Donna watched as his demeanor had changed along with his position. She blew out a breath and looked at him.

Unsteadily, she placed her now empty mug beside the water bottle on the table and explained.

"First," she said, putting a hand to her mouth to cover an unladylike belch. "Let me explain why I showed up in the condition I did. I want to apologize for that," she said.

"Donna, there's no need for that. Mike told me you and Rachel were having a girls' night out. So, I know why you were drunk but I still want to know this question you keep yammering about."

"Ok. The other night, when you came to my d-door after breaking up with Paula and a-asking me back to the firm, why didn't you come in? You shook your head and said, "not tonight."

Donna watched Harvey's face. Without saying a word, he sat back on the couch and held his forehead with two fingers with his elbow leaning on the arm of the couch.

As for Harvey he did not want to say the wrong thing and have Donna leave him or the firm again. He could hear the desperation in her voice as she asked him that question. Why? I wanted to, but I did exactly as she said.

"Donna..." he whined just like he always did when he wanted to avoid answering a question he did not like.

Donna heard it in his voice. She suddenly sobered up and looked at him.

"Harvey, why? Are you in love with Paula?"

"No!" He vehemently answered. "Of course not! I would never have broken up with the woman if that was the case."

Donna watched him as he rose answering her question. He raked a hand over his hair and scratched the back of his neck. He took a wide stance standing near the kitchen with his back to her. She watched as he put his hand back in his pocket, threw his head back, and sighed.

She watched him as he turned around.

"Donna."

Donna turned around completely and stared at him. Her gaze was unwavering as the crux of the matter was finally at hand. She was sober now. The only evidence of too much to drink was the upset of her stomach.

"I didn't come in the other night because I needed some time to sort it out. When I read your letter of resignation, I couldn't think straight. All I knew was that I could not function in that place without you or know you were there when I needed someone to talk with, to bounce off a strategy, or... be my friend."

"Are you sure?"

"Donna, what do you mean?"

"I'm going to ask you again. Are you in love with Paula?"

"No. I wanted it to work with her, but I definitely know I'm not what she needs and I'm pretty sure she's not what I need."

"What do you need?" Donna asked. She was hanging on every word that came out of his mouth because she felt that maybe he would be honest with her and let his walls come down. She could do the same and, perhaps, run the risk of not being hurt again from him.

"I don't know, Donna. I just know that I need to know that you're just down the hall or I can talk to you when I need someone. You're right. I do depend on you."

Donna looked down at the floor and sniffed for a minute.

She decided then to rise and walk toward him. She looked him in the eye. He is wearing his poker face and erected that emotional wall again. How to break it without breaking him. I have to know Donna thought.

"Donna?"

"What Harvey?" Donna asked and took a swig from the water bottle buying time while she digested what he had just told her.

"So you wouldn't come in the other night simply because your brain was too tired to realize that you broke up with your girlfriend because she did away with your business partner? Who does that?"

"Hey, you seemed to be fine with it the other day? You came back to work this morning. Why is it so important that you know my motives for not coming into your apartment?"

Donna walked forward taking both empty mugs with her and placing them in the sink behind the counter. She had left the water bottle on the table. She turned around after turning on the spigot and letting the water soak in the mugs.

She turned then and leaning against the sink asked, "It just is, Harvey. Answer my question. Why didn't you come in?"

"Because I didn't want you to get the wrong idea," Harvey burst.

"What wrong idea? That you came to me because you realized you love me and love me in that way?"

"Oh, great! We're back to the same question from years ago when I told you I loved you. I do love you."

"But how, Harvey!" Donna exclaimed pushing herself off the counter.

"Again! Why is that so important?"

"I want to know if I caused you to sacrifice a relationship that you really, really wanted because of me. My greatest desire was for you to be happy. The last thing I want for you is to sacrifice personal happiness for anything that goes on in that firm. That is one part of your life, but it shouldn't be the most important. Not many people lie on their deathbed and wish they'd spent more time in the office!"

"Donna, your position means everything to you. You earned it!" Harvey exclaimed intentionally overriding her statement about his life and the firm.

After a moment, he continued. "Yes, it was partially professional that I chose you over Paula. Her ultimatum was not fair to you."

Donna hung her head and bit her lip. She spoke low almost inaudibly.

"Thanks for these," she said, pulling at his Harvard sweatshirt. "I'm ok now. I'll call a cab and go home," she said as she left the kitchen area and returned to Harvey's bathroom to retrieve her wet clothes.

Harvey silently turned away and again took a seat on the couch. This time he held his head in his hands on his bent elbows on his bent knees. Feelings began to crystallize in his soul but he was still so pent up that he could not say the words that she wanted to hear. He, perhaps, wanted to say them to her but he just could not deal with it right now. He steepled his fingers and placed them against his chin as he looked up and focused on the still teeming rain.

As she came out of his bedroom, Harvey rose and took her arm by the bent elbow as she stood near the counter looking for her large bag.

Donna half turned to him and said in a monotone, "I called a cab. I'll just go down to the lobby and wait."

"Donna, don't go," he said as she gently tried to remove her elbow from his grasp.

"Harvey," she said with her back to him. "You answered my question. I'm glad to know that it wasn't real with Paula because I get so tired of seeing you sacrifice what I know you really want down in your soul."

He swallowed hard. "And what would that be?"

"A steady relationship. Perhaps, a person here at night waiting for you?"

"Oh," Harvey said and released her arm as he turned her around.

She could see there was something he wanted to say as he licked his top lip and his deep dark eyes became watery and focused on her with something akin to need.

"Donna, don't go. You can spend the night here. I can have Ray drive you over to your place in the morning and then you can change for work or take the day or whatever you want," he suggested slowly and quietly.

"On one condition," Donna quietly responded.

"I know," he said with a smirk. "Answer your question."

Donna stood there and raised one eyebrow.