AN: Well, finally go this one done. I started it almost immediately after I finished the last one, but then I took a huuuuuge hiatus when it was like 70% done. Part of it was me not being happy with how the chapter was going, but I was also just procrastinating in general. On a related note, I played Kingdom Hearts 3 between then and now, and it left me with a similar feeling to when I first watched the Samurai Jack finale. I'm not spoiling anything if you haven't played it, but everyone who has will know what I'm talking about. Aside from that little tidbit, I wrote a KH oneshot earlier this month (which you should totally check out), and that's what finally got me to get back to work on this. And I gotta say, I hated this chapter a lot less when I read what I already had. There's always one or two plot points that I feel need to be ironed out, but I figured that this chapter is pretty inconsequential to the overall plot, so all it really just has to be fun. And here we are. Enjoy!
—CHAPTER 19—
It was almost ten at night in the Old North End, and the day's bustling activity had quieted down long ago. On the sidewalk sat a dirty worn beggar, holding his hand out to random passersby that paid him neither money nor mind.
A man in a three-piece suit eventually came strolling by, and stopped to look at the weary old homeless man. Feeling a twinge of emotion, he pulled out his wallet and looked for something small to give him, but ended up pulling out a hundred-dollar bill. The man looked at the note, then down at the poor beggar's solemn face, his eyes pleading for any sort of help. The wealthy man, however, chuckled pompously, shaking his head as he held the money away from the beggar, dashing his hopes.
All of a sudden, two vehicles came whizzing past, startling both men. The man in the suit dropped the bill, letting it flutter to the ground as he watched the high-speed chase drift around the corner. He also failed to notice the beggar eagerly snatch up the money and flee almost as quickly as the passing vehicles.
One of the vehicles was a classic hot-rod car, which along with its four passengers, looked straight out of the 1950s. The quartet had initially made off with a large sum of cash carried in a large leather top handle bag, which they had pilfered from multiple establishments across town. That bag of loot had itself been stolen, and they were now in pursuit of the ones who had taken it from them.
The motorcycle could have easily lost the relic of a car, but Jack and Ashi wanted to make sure they were being followed. Scotsman had once again enlisted their help in tracking down his latest perpetrators, and right now their mission was to recover the stolen money and apprehend the outdated criminals. They had already accomplished the former, Ashi holding the sack of money in one arm and holding tightly onto Jack with the other.
The chase continued for several blocks, but the motorcycle was actually leading its pursuers in a huge circle to buy time. Jack and Ashi were waiting on Scotsman to give them the signal on their cellphones. Sure enough, both of their phones went off simultaneously, and Jack immediately changed their course.
Once they reached the correct street, Ashi turned around and waved the sack of loot tantalizingly at the pursuers. The hot rod sped up, ready to ram the motorbike, until Ashi tossed the sack over the windshield and into the car, prompting a look of confusion from the occupants. Her only response was a bright smile and wave before turning back around to grab hold of Jack, as the bike swerved onto the sidewalk and leapt off of a makeshift ramp made out a stack of garbage cans.
At the same time, the hot rod ran over a row of spike strips that completely eviscerated the hot rod's old tires. The vehicle came to a screeching halt, as several cop cars emerged from the alleys and quickly surrounded the greaser gang, who had no choice but to put their hands up in surrender.
A little while later, Jack and Ashi reconvened with Scotsman at the scene of the arrests.
"Great job as usual, you two!" Scotsman bellowed, "I know yer busy with the new job and all that, but havin' ye help out makes this a helluva lot easier!"
Jack shook his head, "It's no trouble, old friend. We only give lessons during the day anyway. And to be honest, I have been missing the thrill of apprehending criminals," he admitted, looking at a beaming Ashi to his left as he mused, "It's nice to relieve the old days while also doing some good."
"I agree!" Ashi chimed in, "And Scot, you've really been cleaning up around here; this is your fourth operation this month! Why so eager lately?"
Scotsman crossed his arms and raised his shoulders proudly, "Well, to tell ye the truth, I'm inspired by the both'a ye! Especially you, Jack; even after all ya been through, ya still manage to bounce back, and prove to us yer still tough as ya were on the force!"
"Oh, well… that's very kind of you to say," Jack responded sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. Ashi smiled at his modesty and hugged him from the side.
"But that's not all," Scotsman continued, "I've gotta stay in top shape fer whatever AKu's got up his sleeve. He could make a move any day now, I've got to be ready fer anythin'! We all do."
Ashi's face fell at the mention of her Father, while Jack instinctively held her back in response.
"Well…whatever he's planning, the three of us will stop it!" Ashi declared, looking up at Jack, who nodded in agreement.
Scotsman laughed triumphantly, "Ya got that right! And until AKu makes his move, I'll keep trackin' down all'a his cronies! I'm on a roll now, and nothin's gonna stop me!"
/
Later that night, Jack and Ashi's slumber was interrupted by the doorbell, which set Wolf off barking as well. With a tired groan, Ashi urged Jack on to go investigate, as Wolf hopped off the bed readily. Half asleep himself, he trudged out into the hallway and down the stairs to the front door. Wolf stood guarded at the top of the stairs as Jack glanced into the peephole, revealing the intruder to be none other than Scotsman.
With a sigh, Jack unlocked and opened the door, rubbing his left eye. "I certainly hope you're not looking for help on another case right now," he yawned.
"…Not this time…" Scotsman said with a sniffle.
A bit more aware now, Jack noticed that his friend had been crying. "Um…is everything okay?" he asked with gentle concern.
Scotsman hiccupped, "Oh, yeah. Everything's just… just…" he couldn't finish his sentence as his lip quivered, and tears began to flow over his orange scruff. Without warning, Scotsman grabbed his friend in a forceful embrace and began sobbing in loud, mournful wails.
Caught off guard, Jack awkwardly pat his friend on the back, "Uhh… there, there, friend. Would you like to come inside and talk about it?" Scotsman nodded sadly, and the two went upstairs and sat down on the couch.
"So, what seems to be the trouble?" Jack asked interestedly, eager to aid his old friend in his time of need.
In response, Scotsman simply buried his face into his hands and resumed his loud sobbing. Wolf, who was sitting closer to the couch, left the room and went down the hall, passing Ashi as she emerged from the bedroom.
Slightly irritable at having to get up herself, Ashi complained, "What's with all the noise?" only to see Jack comforting a crying Scotsman on the couch, and adopting a concerned tone, "Scot? What are you doing here? What's wrong?"
Scotsman wiped his eye, sniffling again, "It's the wife, she kicked me out… she got mad at me fer always gettin' home so late from work, tellin' me I been puttin' it before the family. But it's all fer them I been workin' so much in the first place!" he asserted with a twinge of frustration, before sobbing again.
"Well, did you tell her that?" Ashi asked, sitting on the other side of Scotsman on the couch.
"I was gonna, but she wouldn't give me a chance to explain, an' I know better than to interrupt that woman when she's in a fury," he replied, slipping into a lovestruck adoration of his spouse, "Ahhh, that woman's temper flares with the same burnin' intensity of my love fer her. That's another reason I didn't argue; I couldn't help but gawk at her raw beauty as she tore into me… 'til I realized that she wanted me to scram!" then burst back into tears.
Jack placed a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder, "Do not worry, my friend. I'm sure your wife will have calmed down by tomorrow. For now, you're more than welcome to spend the night in our guest room."
"Yeah, and you'll be the first person to sleep in it!" Ashi added cheerily, standing up from the couch, "We needed someone to finally break in that bed. Try not to take that too literally, though," she teased, lightly backhanding Scotsman's gut.
He gave a small chuckle as he wiped his eye. "Aye, got me there, lass." Scotsman remarked as he stood up, Jack following suit, "Thank you both so much fer this, I don't know what I would do without friends like the two'a you watchin' my back," he gushed, tightly hugging Jack in Ashi with both arms.
"Back at you, buddy…" Ashi replied in a strained voice, "Now, can we go back to bed?"
"Oh, of course!" Scotsman abruptly let go of them, and they immediately started back down the hallway, "Sorry fer interruptin' yer slumber, an' thanks again for puttin' me up tonight!"
"It's no trouble, make yourself at home," Jack responded, waving goodnight without turning back. In the back of his mind, he wondered if that was poor choice of words.
/
Jack and Ashi had only been asleep for an hour or so before they were abruptly awoken once again.
"Ugghhh, what now…?" Ashi mumbled into her pillow.
Sitting up to look around, Jack immediately realized that it was Scotsman's snoring that had woken them up. "It seems our guest is quite pleased with his accommodations," he sighed.
"Good for him; close the door," she muttered.
"It is closed."
Ashi groaned, folding her pillow over her ears as Jack fell back into his. Wolf whimpered at the foot of the bed, and tried to cover his own ears with his paws.
The night continued this way, with the three of them drifting in and out of sleep amidst the noise. Before they knew it, morning was creeping in through the shades, and none of them felt rested in the slightest.
Finally, the loud snoring ceased, and with only half an hour before the alarm went off, they tried to make the most of it.
They awoke to a peculiar scent, and when they opened the bedroom door, they found that the apartment was thick with white smoke emanating from the kitchen. Scotsman, of course, was at the stove, whistling a jaunty tune.
"Ah! G'mornin, you two! Sleep well?" he greeted cheerfully, noticing them as they rounded the corner into the kitchen. The table and countertops had seen better days; egg shells and food packaging strewn about, along with drops of yolk and various liquids
Jack rubbed his eyes, trying to take in the mess he was witnessing, "To be honest, not so well…"
Scotsman shot them a curious look, "Really? How come?"
"Because your snoring kept us up most of the night," Ashi interjected, with a hint of venom in her tone.
"Well, that's too bad, because I slept great; best sleep I've had in years!" Scotsman touted, completely ignoring the jab at him, "I forgot how amazing it is t' have a whole bed t' yerself!" he gushed, flipping eggs in a pan that were starting to burn.
Jack and Ashi stood there staring, quietly judging his method. "I see you are…making breakfast…" Jack finally pointed out with slight condescension, which Scotsman failed to pick up on.
"Sure am! S'been so long since I cooked anything; the wife always took care'a that!" His face fell for a moment, "Ohh, I do miss that woman…" but he rebounded just as quickly, "So, I figured, what better way to thank my two good friends than to flex the ole' culinary muscles, eh? As long as I'm here, I'll be yer honorary personal chef!" he declared proudly.
Ashi was quick to jump in to protest, "Scot, that's… really not necessary. We're happy to have you simply as our guest. Just our guest," she emphasized with mild aggravation.
But Scotsman eagerly dismissed her, "Ahh it's no trouble, I'm happy to help!" With that, he then put the overcooked eggs on to two separate plates with burnt bacon and toast, and set them out on the table for his gracious hosts. "Well, dig in!"
Begrudgingly, the couple sat down and started to eat, finding that the blackish breakfast food was, surprisingly, as bad as it looked. Still, they were awfully hungry having just woken up, and far be it from them to be ungrateful.
"Look, this is really nice. But you don't have to keep cooking for us, you know," Jack remarked, chewing a particularly tough strip of bacon.
"Nonsense! I got the time, an' you two got the stomachs! 'Sides, it'd do ye well to indulge in a little Scottish cuisine! Speaking of…" Scotsman suddenly remembered the pièce de résistance: a large bowl of viscous black liquid which he plopped down in between them on the table, "I almost forgot the best part of the meal!"
Visibly disgusted, Ashi peered into the bowl, "What is that?"
"Black pudding: a Scottish delicacy!" he declared proudly.
"Okay…but what's in it?" she asked cautiously. She could see Jack across from her staring dead-eyed at the vile concoction, as if it had dredged up unpleasant memories which he was now reliving.
"Nothin' too fancy, just pig's blood, fat, oats and barley! Oh, and it's actually supposed to be a kind'a blood sausage, but I didn't have the right stuff fer that," Scotsman shrugged.
Ashi looked at him in disbelief, "You mean to tell me that this," she picked up the spoon in the pudding, letting the inky slop slink back into the bowl, "is supposed to be a sausage, and you're feeding it to us as is…!?
"I promise ya, it's just as good! All the same ingredients, but they go down waaay easier!" Scotsman laughed heartily, "My family back in Scotland used to serve it raw when I was little; s'how a real Scot puts hair on their chest!" he stated proudly, patting his own chest, "Just ask Jack, he's had it before!"
Jack looked up with a thousand-yard stare, but managed to eek out an unconvincing smile. "Yeah, I can see that…" Ashi remarked.
Scotsman then glanced at his watch, and realized how late it had gotten. "Well, I should be headin' off to work; ye two enjoy that now, but make sure ye save me a little fer later!" he requested as he headed for the door.
"Oh, don't you worry. There'll be… plenty left," Ashi remarked, flashing her own weak smile to their friend as he stepped out the door.
As soon as it was closed, Jack shot up from his seat and made a break for the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Ashi went over to check on him, and she could hear him retching from the outside.
/
Two days later, Jack and Ashi were in the middle of an afternoon class, demonstrating a type of throw.
"They key here is to keep your leading foot firmly planted behind their leg…" Jack explained, but before he could finish the demonstration, a loud and blaring sound coming from upstairs caused him to catch her swiftly in alarm. The class started looking around for the source of the noise, but Jack knew immediately what it was. With a sigh, he stood Ashi back up and started for the door, "I'll be right back."
As he left the room, Ashi turned to the students with a huff, "A little advice: Hospitality is overrated."
Upstairs, Jack opened the front door to see Scotsman standing in there, in the middle of the living room, wailing away on his infamous bagpipes. He was playing so passionately that he didn't even notice Jack walk in.
"Scotsman?" Jack asked politely, only to go unheard over the shrill instrument. He asked again, louder this time, "Hey, Scotsman?"
No response.
"SCOT!"
Scotsman jolted out of his musical stupor, looking around hastily before his eyes finally fell upon Jack, "Oh hey there, buddy! Aren't you supposed to be teachin' a class?"
"That's… actually why I'm here," Jack rubbed the back of his head, preparing to break the news, "Your bagpipe playing; it's rather… distracting. Do you think you could maybe practice it a little later?"
Scotsman's face fell, "Aww, come on! I only got another hour before I gotta go on patrol, you two'll be asleep by the time I get home! I can't play then!" he pleaded uncharacteristically, "This is my only opportunity to soothe my achin' spirirt with a wistful melody. Otherwise…" he paused. His lip began to quiver and eyes welled, "I-I might not make it through the day…" he sniffled.
Jack looked upon his friend sympathetically, finally relenting, "A-Alright, you can play until you leave for work. Just… play a little softer, please?"
Scotsman lightened up immediately, "Really…!? Aww Jack, yer really somethin' else! Thanks, pal!" giving him a hard, affectionate slap on the back.
"…Don't mention it," he answered, still reeling, "I have to head back downstairs, have a good patrol," he waved as he started away.
Scotsman saluted off his partner, calling out to him from only several feet away, "Sure thing, bud! And don't worry, the wife's probably started to simmer down; I'll be outta your hair before ya know it!"
Jack flashed a small smile as he opened the door, "Yes, well, let's hope so," and stepped out. He shut the door and stood there for a moment or two, surprised that the silence had remained. Sure enough, however, the bagpipes started up again at about the same volume, causing Jack to sigh as he headed downstairs.
Jack walked back into the dojo to see his students stood in rows, practicing their drills, while Ashi stood at the helm. She turned to him with a not so happy look on her face as he approached, the noise upstairs having resumed.
"Work on your own for now, we'll be right with you," she instructed the class as she pulled Jack off to the side of the room. Ashi looked at him disappointedly, "Jack, what happened? I thought you were going to do something about this?"
Jack hung his head, "I was going to, but then he got all upset and said that he was playing to feel better…" he looked up to see Ashi staring at him, half-lidded with a cocked eyebrow. "H-He can't play when he gets home from work, it's only an hour or so before he leaves," Jack explained defensively.
"That's another thing: it's been three days and he hasn't made a single effort to patch things up with his wife. Don't you think he should be back home by now? Has he even called her? Does she even know where he is?" she wondered aloud.
"Well, there is good news; he says he's going to be, 'out of our hair' soon, so there's a decent chance he means tomorrow…ish," Jack stated with a sheepish expression.
Ashi pinched the bridge of her nose with a sigh, "I sure hope so, I don't know how much longer I can take this. Let's just hope all he needs is another day or two," she remarked hopefully before walking back to address the class.
/
One week later, Jack and Ashi's "honored" guest had become more of a tenant by now. The guest room was looking just like Scotsman's room back home. He would come and go as he pleased, and even had his own house key made without his hosts knowing. Not a night went by that Scotsman didn't assert himself as the one in charge of dinner; some nights he would make an esoteric Scottish dish, others a normal meal, but it was always less than adequately prepared. On top of that, his snoring meant that Jack and Ashi hadn't seen a good night's sleep since he moved in, and their patience was wearing thin.
At first, Jack only felt empathy for his friend's plight. Having faced a similar situation not too long ago, he felt a righteous obligation to be there for his friend. After all, Scotsman had done his best to help him when he was in that place, the least Jack could do was offer his place. But after a week of Scotsman living with them, Jack now felt like his friend was taking advantage of their hospitality.
Ashi, on the other hand, was less mad at Jack for being so lenient with Scotsman than she was with herself for letting it continue. He was her friend, too, but she would never allow someone to walk all over her like that, which was what it felt like Scotsman was doing: trampling on their privacy by making himself at home so readily. Combined with the lack of sleep, it drove her mad just thinking about the situation, but she still didn't have the heart to kick him to the curb… not yet, at least.
The couple returned home after an afternoon class to find their guest lying on the couch, watching one of the films where a group of guys prank each other in vile and often painful ways, or perform ridiculous and dangerous stunts. On screen, two of the "stuntmen" rode a shopping cart down a steep hill, only for it to topple over and send them spilling out halfway down. One of them managed to strike his groin against a street sign, which elicited a howling laughter from Scotsman
He finally noticed the them standing there, "Oh, hey, you two! Dinner's already on the table, help yerselves!" he greeted.
Jack and Ashi looked over at the kitchen to see a strange hunk of meat on a platter in the center of the table. Behind it, a countertop so messy you could barely see the marble surface. Wolf was lying off to the side trying to eat a piece of the mystery loaf Scotsman had thrown him, before eventually giving up and kicking it around like a chew toy. Ashi looked up at Jack with a tired, aggravated gaze, and he knew what he had to do.
"Scotsman, we'd like to have a word with you," Jack declared commandingly, stepping up next to the couch where his guest lay.
Scotsman's eyes didn't leave the screen as he responded with a dismissive wave, "Yeah, yeah, sure thing. I just wanna see the end'a this first."
One of the stuntmen on TV addressed the audience for the next prank, "Our friend, Austin, is in that port-a-potty there, and he hates snakes, so guess what we're gonna fill it with?" The film cut to the one of the men standing on a ladder over the port-a-potty, holding a bucket of live snakes while the others put a lock on the door. On cue, he opened a secret hatch on the roof and poured the serpents in, causing the man inside to shriek in terror and desperately try to escape the confinement. They let him stew for a minute or so, before the first man yelled, "Do the thing!" and suddenly the entire port-a-potty was launched high into the air by hidden bungee cords, and the man looked into the camera with a comical grin and holding a thumbs up, as the box disappeared over the horizon.
"AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA, WHAT A JACKASS!" Scotsman howled. Ashi had finally had enough, marching over and shutting off the TV. "Hey, I was watchin' that!" he protested.
Ashi put her hands on her hips authoritatively, "Scot, we've been more than patient with you this past week, but enough is enough! It's time you went home and made up with your wife!" she ordered.
Scotsman looked dumbfounded, "Wha… After all I've done around here, tryin' to be a good guest, cookin' hearty meals for ya every night; this is the thanks I get!?" he spat, turning to Jack, "Jack! Yer not kickin' me out too, are ya!?" he pleaded with his friend.
Jack nodded as he spoke sheepishly, "I'm afraid so… Look, I know you've been trying to help around here, but we simply cannot accommodate you any longer. Besides, you seem like you're in a better place than you were a week ago. Maybe it is time to patch things up with Molly…?" Jack pushed carefully, knowing how delicate his friend could be when it came to the wife.
Scotsman opened his mouth again, frozen, grasping for a rebuttal, before finally dropping his shoulders with a sigh. "Yer right, maybe I been away fer too long. But you know Molly, I can't just waltz in like nothin' happened, an' I can't just call! I need t' do somethin' romantic, a grand gesture! I need…" he looked around frantically, before his eyes finally landed on his two hosts, "I need yer help!"
"Us?" Jack and Ashi said in unison.
"Aye! You both know plenty about sappy, romantic stuff! Help me figure out how to get my muffin's lovin' back!" Scotsman pleaded.
They looked at each other in tired resignation, knowing full well that this open-ended task was the only way to get their apartment back to themselves. "Alright, we'll help," Jack sighed, "What do you need us to do?"
Scotsman held his chin in contemplation for a moment, before snapping his fingers and running off to his room. "Wait right there, I got a plan!" he yelled excitedly from the guest room. He emerged shortly with a piece of paper and a pencil, sitting down at the couch as he explained; "I'm gonna write my darlin' the most romantic, heartfelt, tear-jerkin', butterfly-inducin' love poem that has ever been! And I need the two'a you to deliver it for me, along with an invite to a lovely dinner at the ritziest place in town!" he exclaimed as he scribbled furiously, adding, "In fact, let's make it a double date! My treat!"
Jack and Ashi's eyes widened. "O-Oh no, that won't be necessary! We're perfectly content with being your faithful messengers and leaving it at that," Ashi hastily explained.
"Yes! After all, you've treated us to so many…delicious meals already!" Jack chimed in, "We do not wish to impose your services any longer, my friend."
Scotsman smiled, "Are ye kiddin'? I been imposin' on you two all week, an' yer still doin' favors for me! One more favor's the least I could do fer you!" he insisted.
Jack laughed awkwardly, "Well, when you put it that way—"
"Then it's settled!" Scotsman pounded the coffee table in accentuation and dropping the pencil he was using, "You two'll head over to my place and read my carefully crafted prose to my wife, get here to meet us at that fancy French place later tonight, an' I'll finally get to sleep in my own bed again!" he folded the piece of paper into thirds and handed it to them.
"Sure, sounds like a plan…" Ashi sighed, as Jack begrudgingly took the poem and slipped it in his coat pocket.
/
The couple left soon after their discussion with Scotsman, eager to finally put an end to this episode.
His house stood a few miles out of town, a two-story shingle style home just before the farmlands. The bike pulled into the cobblestone driveway, and the couple hopped off lazily and started for the door.
Jack spoke up, "Before we do this, perhaps I should warn you about what we're getting into."
"Forget it, let's just get this over with," Ashi dismissed with a mildly annoyed tone, as they walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell.
Moments later, the door opened, and a tall, buxom redhead with a headband and two long pigtails stepped into the doorway. Wearing a low-cut tank top with an exposed midriff, and tight jean shorts that barely covered her long, toned legs, the girl looked down at them with a disinterested stare. "Can I help ya—" she started in a familiar accent before her eyes widened in realization, "Oh my gosh, Jack! Is that you!?" she cupped her face in amazement.
Jack waved with a sheepish grin, feeling a shock of his own. "Flora, good to see you again! You've certainly…grown since I last saw you," he remarked, trying his damnedest not to leave her eyes and look down. The last time he saw her was at least a year ago, prior to his depressed state, and she was barely at shoulder height then. Now, she was a full head taller than him, and he practically had to crane his neck to see her face. The fact that she had stepped uncomfortably close to him didn't make it any easier.
"Yeeeah, I had a growth spurt…" she cooed, twirling her pigtail with an enamored gaze that turned to disinterest as she noticed Ashi, who was staring Flora up and down without discretion. "Who's this?" she asked blankly.
"Oh, of course," Jack regained focus, "Flora, this is Ashi. My girlfriend," he emphasized by putting his arm around her, while her gaze was still locked on Flora's features, "Ashi, this is Flora. Scotsman's daughter."
It took Ashi a few seconds to realize that they Jack and Flora were both staring at her now, waiting for her to introduce herself. She shook herself out of it and held out her hand, "H-H-Hi, nice to meet you."
Flora shook her hand begrudgingly, "Please, the pleasure's all mine," she responded somewhat harshly before releasing her vice grip on Ashi's hand.
"Heh, you have your Father's grip…" Ashi laughed awkwardly, clutching her throbbing hand.
Jack spoke up again, "Anyway, we were wondering if we could speak to your Mother for a moment. Is she home?"
"Yeah, one sec," the towering girl sighed before shutting the door halfway and heading back into the house.
As they waited at the door, Ashi massaged her hand, blowing air out through her teeth. "Sheesh, well we know she didn't get her looks from Scot. Must be from the Mom's side…" she mused.
Jack chuckled at the remark, and Ashi was only able to shoot him a curious look before a quiet stomping caught her attention, slowly getting louder as it approached them. The front door began to slowly creak open, and a curvaceous feminine silhouette could be seen in the doorway. Ashi held her breath in anticipation of finally meeting the woman her friend so revered, who somehow gave birth to a ginger Amazonian goddess of a daughter.
Instead, a rotund behemoth of a woman with a snaggletooth maw, visibly leathery skin, and mangy red hair tied up in a bun, emerged from the doorway screeching in a thick Scottish accent, "ALRIGHT, WHAT IS IT YA MANNERLESS, STREET-PEDALIN' SOLICITERS!? DON'CHA KNOW MOST FOLKS ARE TRYNA HAVE A NICE FAMILY MEAL AT THIS HOUR!? JUST BECAUSE YA SILLY MORMONS CAN ASK ONE A YER TWELVE WIVES TO COOK YA UP A HOT PORRIDGE—OR WHATEVER YA PEOPLE EAT—AT ANY BLASTED HOUR YA FEEL LIKE, DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO SEE YER GOOFY PLEATED PLANTS AND PLASTIC HAIR, YAMMERIN' ABOUT WHY YA'D RATHER PEDDLE YER FAITH LIKE DOOR-TO-DOOR CELL PHONE SALESMAN, 'STEAD A' JUST GOIN' TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! YA BETTER HOPE MY ROAST DOESN'T BURN WHILE I'M STANDIN' HERE—" she stopped abruptly, looking intensely at Jack for a moment, eyes squinting, "Wait, a minute…" then they widened in realization, "JACK, IS THAT YOU!? YA LOOK LIKE A BLOODY' NEANDERTHAL! I AIN'T SEEN YOU IN ALMOST A YEAR, AND YA COME AROUND UNANNOUNCED LIKE YA JUST CLIMBED OUTTA YER CAVE TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW T' MAKE FIRE! MUST'A FERGOTTIN' HOW T' USE A PHONE; HOW AM I SUPPOSED T' BE A GOOD HOST AND MAKE SURE MY GUEST HAVE ENOUGH T' EAT, WHEN THEY JUST COME AROUND ALL WILLY-NILLY LIKE SOME SMELLY BOHEMIAN—AND WHO'S THIS NOW!?" she aggressively gestured to Ashi, who was losing her patience at the woman's ranting.
Ashi took a deep breath, "Hello there! I'm Ashi, Jack's girlfriend. We're sorry to drop by so suddenly, but we're here to—" she was interrupted by Scotsman's wife, who had been staring at her in disbelief.
"HIS WHAT!? YA MUST BE PULLIN' MY LEG; YER TELLIN' ME THIS SHAGGY HOBO ACTUALLY MANAGED TO BAG A LASS!? DO YA HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE FROM BEIN' THROWN OFF'A THAT TWO-WHEELED DEATH MACHINE HE RIDES!?" Scotsman's wife put her hands on her hips, turning to Jack again, "SPEAKIN'A DEADBEATS, YOU SEEN MY HUSBAND AROUND? I KICKED HIM OUT LAST WEEK AN' I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM SINCE! YOU'D THINK AFTER TWENTY THREE YEARS OF MARRIAGE HE'D LEARN HOW T' TAKE A HINT, BUT HE JUS' KEEPS ROLLIN' OVER AND GOES ON HIS NAMBY-PAMBY WAY TO SOME HOVEL FOR A FEW DAYS, 'FORE CALL HIM AND TELL HIM T' GET HIS BUTT HOME! WELL, NOT THIS TIME!"
Jack loudly inserted himself into the conversation, "THAT'S… actually why we're here, Molly. You see, we have a message for you, which he asked us to hand deliver," he explained, pulling the letter from his coat pocket.
"OH, DO YA NOW?" Molly's eyebrow raised suspiciously, followed by an eye roll, "WELL, I SUPPOSE YA BETTER COME INSIDE THEN. DON'T NEED THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD TO HEAR WHATEVER SCHLOCK THAT OAF'S WRITTEN!" she bellowed, turning and heading back into the house.
Once out of earshot, Ashi's eyes widened. "Wow… how does Scotsman and… that… make someone like Flora?" she wondered out loud.
"Celtic magic," Jack answered blankly.
"GET YER FANNIES IN HERE AND CLOSE THE FRONT DOOR, YER LETTIN' THE BUGS IN!" Molly roared from inside, and the couple hastily followed after her, closing the door behind them.
She had her guests sit in the dining room as she checked on dinner. After a couple minutes, the large woman waddled into dining room and sat across from Jack and Ashi at the table, looking at them with her naturally furrowed brow, not saying a word.
Jack and Ashi both looked around uneasily for a moment before Molly broke the silence. "WELL WHAT ARE YA WAITIN' FOR!? HAND IT OVER!" she demanded, leaning forward menacingly. Recoiling slightly, Jack held out the letter and she quickly snatched it up.
They watched her open the envelope and begin reading the poem within, as her scowling face slowly turned up into an infatuated grin. After reading the whole thing, Molly held the paper to her chest and gushed, "My Ainsley's still got such a way with words!"
Jack and Ashi sighed in relief, eager to move onto the next phase of Scotsman's plan.
"BUT HE'S STILL A SPINELESS JESSIE FER NOT BRINGIN' IT T' ME HIMSELF!" Molly barked, crumpling the piece of paper and tossing it aside. "THAT'S WHY HE'S NOT GONNA HEAR FROM ME UNTIL HE FINALLY FINDS HIS BAW UNDERNEATH THAT GUT'A HIS AND ASSERTS HIMSELF LIKE A REAL MAN!" she crossed her arms adamantly.
Jack pinched the bridge of his nose with an exacerbated exhale, and started to persuade her to reconsider her treatment of her husband, "Molly, while I respect your view on this matter, I really think you should—"
"Oh, get over yourself!" Ashi's outburst abruptly cut off Jack's argument, and seeing how heated she was already, he decided to back off and let her have a go at the hard-headed woman. "I cannot believe you two have been married for this long and still haven't figured out how to sort out your personal grievances! It's one thing to expect something of someone, but to passive-aggressively kick someone out because they didn't pick up on you hinting at it!? What is this, high school!? You need to communicate with him how you feel, so he actually has the chance to try and change for you like a 'real man'! It's not guesswork, just fucking talk to each other!" she exclaimed, slamming her hands down on the table.
Molly's shocked expression quickly changed into a stern glare, as she rose up from the table and slowly moved towards Ashi, who started to slink back into her seat in regret. The imposing woman stood over her for a moment, then pointed a finger at her, "Yer alright…"
Both Ashi and Jack breathed another sigh of relief, and the former could see Flora (who had been eavesdropping) flash her an impressed thumbs up from the hallway.
"So, what else does my dopey husband have up his sleeve?" Molly asked impatiently.
/
Almost eight o' clock now, Jack and Scotsman were waiting nervously (the latter moreso) for their dates to arrive at "That Fancy French Place."
After Jack and Ashi explained the rest of Scotsman's plan to Molly, she requested that Jack head home to meet with Scotsman and set up the reservations, while Ashi reluctantly stayed behind to help her get ready, providing an outlet for "girl talk".
While that went on, Scotsman scrambled to put together a fancy outfit for the dinner. He hadn't packed anything dressy when he got kicked out, and was kicking himself for not asking Jack to bring him something from his wardrobe at home. So, instead, Scotsman borrowed one of Jack's dress shirts, which was more than a little tight on him. The buttons looked like they could pop off any moment.
Scotsman sat there twiddling his thumbs nervously, looking back and forth for the women, while Jack was propping himself up on the table and fighting to stay awake. "Jack, I-I don't know about this… What am I gonna say!?" Scotsman finally blurted out.
"It's going to be fine. Molly is your wife, Scotsman. Just be true to yourself, and remind her why she married you in the first place," Jack comforted weakly.
"I don't think I remember that!"
Suddenly, Molly was heard, and they turned to see her rampaging into the restaurant with Ashi lazily in toe.
"… DAMN NEAR SCRAPED AGAINST THE SIDE'A THE BLOODY DUMPSTER; WORST PARKING LOT I'VE EVER WITNESSED! I'D MUCH RATHER PARK IN THE MIDDLE OF'A SHEEP HERD BEFORE TRYNA T' FIND A SPOT IN THAT LABRYINTH AGAIN! NO WONDER THERE'S NO VALET, YOU'D NEED AT LEAST A YEAR'S WORTH'A TRAININ' TO LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE IT!"
Jack looked towards the raging woman as she approached their table with a strained expression, but seeing Ashi following loosely behind her quickly dispelled any apprehension. She wore a billowy, dark green dress that hung below her shoulders, and cut off just above her knees. Customers at the tables she passed by braced for impact, expecting the large form to knock into their tables. Turning to Scotsman, Jack could see that he was gawking, starry-eyed at his beloved wife, and facepalmed to himself.
Scotsman stood up as she reached their table, "Hello, Muffin!" he sighed dreamily.
"DON'T YOU 'MUFFIN' ME! I AIN'T EVEN HEARD'A TRACE'A YOU SINCE LAST WEEK, THEN YER HAIRY FRIEND WHO LOOKS LIKED HE'S BEEN STRANDED ON A DESERTED ISLAND FER A YEAR SHOWS UP WITH SOME TWIGGY YOGA INSTRUCTOR, HANDIN' SOME SAPPY DRIVEL THAT COULD GAG A YAK! Molly fiercely berated her cowering husband.
Watching the struggle with morbid fascination, Jack's focus was broken when Ashi snuck up behind him, planting a quick kiss on his cheek before crossing to sit opposite him with a smile. He smiled back at her, "I like the dress, but where did you get it?"
Ashi leaned back to look down at the gown, "One of Flora's hand-me-downs, believe it or not. Apparently, we were the same size when she was in middle school," she remarked, and they both laughed.
Their attention was drawn back to the other couple when Molly screeched, "SO, ARE YA GONNA PULL MY CHAIR OUT FER ME OR ARE YA JUST GONNA KEEP STANDIN' THERE LIKE A BLOATED DOORMAT!?"
"I'm so sorry, dumplin'!" Scotsman apologized, scrambling to rectify his transgression, while Jack and Ashi looked at each other in frustration. They finally got Scotsman and Molly in the same room again, but it was clear that this lovers' spat wasn't ready to fizzle out just yet.
The night continued on like this: Molly harped on loudly about everything in the general vicinty that bothered her, and Scotsman would try to console her with loving words and gentle gestures, which only made her even more heated. This vicious cycle lasted all the way through the appetizers and the entrees, and the entire restaurant was on its last nerve.
The disgruntled waiters quickly cleared the table of dirty dishware, and the maître d himself came over to address them. "Would anyone care for a dessert this evening?" he begrudgingly asked out of obligation, silently hoping they would ask for the check.
Molly turned to him sharply, "SLOW DOWN THERE, PIERRE! WE JUST FINISHED EATIN', CAN'T WE GET A BREATHER BEFORE YA START SHOVIN' MORE FOOD DOWN OUR THROATS!? WE'LL CALL YA IF WE NEED YA!" she yelled.
"…Very good, madam," the maître d relied through gritted teeth, and wandered away very stiffly.
During this exchange, Ashi had been typing away on her phone under the table. Once she was done, it took a couple seconds for Jack's phone to beep, and he glanced at it to see a text from Ashi. "I'm gonna distract Molly, you have to talk some sense into Scotsman while we're gone, or he's going to be coming home with US again!" it read, with an angry red smiley accompanying it.
"Hey, Molly," Ashi exclaimed, suddenly jumping from her seat, "I'm going to freshen up in the restroom quick, would you like to join me?" she asked with a big smile.
Molly raised her eyebrow, then reluctantly followed suit. "WHY NOT? AFTER ALL, THE SHIT'S MUCH DEEPER OUT HERE THAN IT'LL BE IN ANY CRAPPER!" she spat.
"Lovely," Ashi muttered as they headed for the women's restroom.
Jack watched intently as they passed through the swinging door, then immediately turned to his friend, "Scotsman, this isn't working! You need a new approach."
Scotsman clutched his head, "I don't know what to do, Laddie! She's never stonewalled me this hard before! She keeps pushin' me away; my schmoozing ain't working its usual charm…" he despaired.
"Then it's time to stop 'schmoozing', and start pushing back! She doesn't want you to woo her, she wants you to take charge, assert yourself!" Jack ordered, no longer meandering around the point.
"But she's my darlin' honeybun…" Scotsman gushed briefly, "I couldn't raise a finger against her, let alone talk back!"
Jack grabbed his friend's shoulder and turned him to look him in the eyes, "You don't have a choice if you want to win her back. You need to stand up for yourself. Think of it this way: would you let anyone else in the whole world speak to you that way without giving them a piece of your mind?"
"No…?" Scotsman replied meekly.
"Exactly! Look, I'm not saying you have to craft another one of your long-winded insults for her; but she's never going to listen to your side of things if you don't put some power behind it," Jack explained. "It's like I told you: just be yourself! The loud, bull-headed, foul-mouthed Scotsman she fell in love with!"
Scotsman stared at Jack for a moment, and then his eyes widened in realization. A spark within him that had dimmed over the years began to catch again, and he remembered the countless times in his years of marriage that his manly assertiveness won his wife's affection. Brows furrowed and fists clenched, Scotsman stood up confidently, "Yer right, Laddie…"
It was then that the women had returned from the restroom. Ashi looking a tad wearier than she did going in, and Molly seemed to take notice of Scotsman's change in demeanor. "WELL, THE BIG MAN'S STANDIN' UP STRAIGHT FER ONCE. IS IT YER TURN TO VISIT THE LOO!?" she barked in his face.
Scotsman stood his ground. "Molly, I gotta talk t' you," he said adamantly.
"WHAT, DID YA WRITE UP A HAIKU WHILE I WAS AWAY?" she scoffed, "YER TALKIN' T'ME RIGHT NOW YA BABBLIN' BABOON! I'M SURPRISED YA DIDN'T RAISE YER HAND LIKE SOME PASTE-EATIN' FIRST GRADER ASKIN' WHAT FOUR PLUS FOUR IS! MAYBE YE SHOULD ENROLL IN OBEDIANCE SCHOOL SO YA CAN FINALLY LEARN TO SIT AND STAY LIKE THE DOG YA ARE!"
Molly's seemingly endless barrage of insults began to wear on his nerves. After enduring them for years, Scotsman had finally had enough. "SHUT YER YAP, WOMAN, AND LISTEN!" he snapped.
The entire restaurant froze; patrons' mouths hung open as they stopped mid bite; waiters failed to notice water overflowing as they poured. Molly stared at him aghast, but there was not a hint of anger on her face.
"SO WHAT IF I BEEN SPENDIN' A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME AT WORK? THAT DON'T MEAN I APPRECIATE BEIN' BROWBEATEN FOR DOIN' MY DUTY AS THE HEAD' A THE FAMILY! YA DON'T EVEN STOP T' LISTEN 'FORE YA TEAR INTO ME! FLORA'S GOIN' OFF TO SCHOOL IN THE FALL, AND WE NEED TO START SAVIN' UP FER HER STUDENT LOANS. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT A PAYCHECK, HUH!? PLUS, MY JOB IS VERY IMPORTANT; DAY AND NIGHT, I'M MAKIN' SURE THE CITY STAYS SAFE FER MY FAMILY! WHY YA THINK I BEEN ASKIN' THESE TWO FER THEIR HELP SO MUCH!?" he aggressively gestured to Jack and Ashi, who innocently waved back. "I KNOW SOMETHIN'S GOING ON IN THIS CITY, AND I WANT T'MAKE SURE I'M PREPARED FER WHEN IT ALL GOES DOWN, BECAUSE I LOVE THE TWO'A YOU MORE THAN ANYTHIN' IN THE WORLD, AND I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES T' PROTECT YA! AND IF YA DON'T LIKE IT, YA CAN SHOVE IT!" Scotsman roared.
A hush fell over the room once Scotsman finished his tirade, not breaking eye contact with his stupefied wife. Molly stared at him for a moment, then suddenly her expression turned to one of sheer adoration, and she pulled him into a back-breaking embrace. "OHHH, THERE'S MY BIG, STRONG MAN! YA DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I BEEN WAITIN' FER THAT!" she gushed
Mass confusion started to set in, everyone except Jack and Ashi left scratching their heads at why someone would respond so positively to being berated like that.
"I'M SORRY FER BOOTIN' YA OUT, AINSLEY. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YA ALWAYS BEIN' AWAY AT WORK, I JUST WANTED TO SEE YA ACT LIKE A MAN AGAIN. AIN'T NOBODY EVER REIGNED ME IN LIKE YOU DO, MY BIG OLE' HAIRY BEARY, YOU!" she gushed, shaking him violently like a stuffed toy.
Getting over his initial dizziness, Scotsman reciprocated the hug with a lovestruck expression, "AWW, MY LOVE MUFFIN, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH… C'MERE, YOU!" he demanded, pulling her head down to nuzzle her neck.
She responded with a hideous giggle, which he only found more endearing, "WHY, AINSLEY, YER SO FRISKY!" The two of them slunk back into an available chair, still entwined, as the harmless contact quickly devolved into ravenous kissing, completely ignorant to their surroundings. The other occupants of the restaurant, Jack and Ashi now included, were taken by a wave of disgust at the increasingly gratuitous display of affection.
Jack managed to turn away from the gut-wrenching scene to catch Ashi signaling him from across the table, mouthing "I think it's time to leave."
He nodded in agreement, then abruptly rose from his seat. "Well, this has been fun, but I believe it's time for us to get going!" he explained hastily, crossing over to pull out Ashi's chair for her.
Scotsman and his wife suddenly broke from each other and turned to them. "What, already!? We haven't even had dessert yet!" Scotsman exclaimed.
"No, Jack's right," Ashi waved dismissively, standing up, "We'd better start heading back; early class tomorrow and all that, you know?" she pulled some cash from her wallet and tossed it on the table. "But thank you both for a lovely evening!" she bowed slightly, and Jack nodded enthusiastically in agreement.
"Of course, dearies! And thank you, fer helpin' me and Ainsley reconcile!" Molly smiled graciously.
Scotsman nodded, "Aye, the two'a you have been a real big help t' me this last week! Thanks fer everything!"
They smiled sheepishly, anxious to be on their way. "Anything for a friend," Jack replied.
"See ya!" Ashi shouted quickly, turning to leave and pulling Jack along with her, who was quick to catch up on his own.
After they were gone, Molly looked at Scotsman curiously, "They sure seemed in a big hurry to skedaddle, didn't they?"
"Aye, can't say I blame them. Probably excited to finally have some real privacy; betcha they're goin' at it like dogs soon as they walk in the door!" Scotsman remarked with a hearty laugh.
Molly giggled coyly at the joke, "Oh, you…" and they resumed sloppily making out.
It wasn't long before the maître d approached them again. "Excuse me, I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from this behavior. You're disturbing the other customers," he said sternly, not realizing what a huge mistake he had made.
"WELL, EXCUUUUSE ME!" Scotsman replied sarcastically, "I DIDN'T REALIZE WE WERE BREAKIN' THE LAW BY SHOWIN' EACH OTHER A LITTLE AFFECTION. I BEEN A COP FER ALMOST OVER A DECADE, BUT APPARENTLY THAT LITTLE ADDENDUM MUST'A SLIPPED MY BRAIN!"
Molly then jumped on him as well, "AND WHO ARE YOU T' SPEAK ON ALL'A THEIR BEHALF!? IF SOMEONE'S GOT'A PROBLEM WITH US, THEY CAN ADDRESS IT THEMSELVES!" she roared, gazing threateningly around the room. Naturally, no one spoke up.
"I THOUGHT YA FRENCH FOLKS WERE ALL ABOUT ROMANCE; WHAT'S THE MATTER, YER OVERPRICED RESTAURANT CAN'T AFFORD A LITTLE AUTHENTICITY!?" Scotsman bellowed.
The belittled employee dropped his professional façade, "I'm not even French, this is just a job!"
"OH, SO YER A LIAR THEN, EH!?" Molly interjected, "HOW IRONIC; THEY ALWAYS SAY YA SHOULDN'T TRUST A FRENCHMAN, BUT APPARENTLY IT'S THE FAKE ONES THAT YA GOTTA WATCH OUT FER!"
Scotsman pointed an incriminating finger at the poor young man, "YER NOTHIN' BUT A BIG, FAT PHONY, YA SNAIL SLURPIN', WINE SIPPIN'—!"
Molly piggybacked off his last insult, "FROG KILLIN, CHEESE WHEELIN'—!"
"WAGE SLAVIN'!"
"BOW TIE WEARIN'!"
"MOUSTACHE TWIRLIN'!"
"MOMENT KILLIN'!"
/
As soon as Jack and Ashi got home, they both went right into the bedroom, kicked their shoes off and plopped right on their bed. By the time Wolf curled up at the foot, they were both out cold.
—END CHAPTER 19—