Tegan was led into the room where her wife lay on a stretcher under a large, white light. Her legs were buckling, she was hardly able to stand up. She was close to hyperventilating. If it wasn't for Sara and Kate holding her she would have gone down. There were tubes in Lindsey's mouth and arms, bandages around her head and a blow up cast around her other arm.
"Linds… baby… It's me, it's Tegan" said Tegan through tears that just wouldn't stop.
"It's okay… it's okay, I'm here. I love you… I love you so much…. Please baby, wake up. Wake up for me" Tegan begged.
Sara and Kate were next to Tegan trying to comfort her but she shrug them off.
"You're going to be okay Boo"
"Tegan… she's gone" said Kate and softly squeezed Tegan's shoulder.
"No she's not… she's breathing, her heart is beating, look at the fucking monitor, her heart is beating"
"Tee… the machines are keeping her alive"
"So what… machines kept me alive. They kept you alive" Tegan snapped.
"That was different Tegan… Lindsey's brain dead, she's not coming back" said Kate gently.
"She is!" Tegan yelled and shoved Kate away. Kate winched as pain shot through her chest.
"Tegan don't! You'll hurt her" Sara yelled and moved to check on Kate.
"I'm okay, I'm fine" said Kate into Sara's ear as a wave of nausea and sudden dizziness rolled over her.
"Come on baby, hang in there for me. Stay with me okay. You're going to be fine" said Tegan caressing Lindsey's face with both her hands.
Sara, Kate and Sax just let Tegan sit with her wife for a while. Sara let Kate hold her. She felt Kate's steady heartbeat under her cheek. She shivered involuntarily. Kate was safe, Kate was right here with her.
Tegan was sobbing softly.
"She's gone Tegan" Sara whispered a few minutes later, her arm around Tegan's shaking shoulders.
Tegan didn't reply except for the crying that intensified again.
"Tegan… Lindsey is registered as an organ donor. She could save a lot of lives. Would you like to donate her organs?" asked Sax softly.
"Fuck you! No, I don't want to donate anything. She'll be alright, she's going to wake up" said Tegan.
"Tegan, we've done brain scans and EEG's and we've done the other tests already but we'll do them again for you if you want? Test if there's any brain activity" said Sax softly.
Tegan nodded. Her face was like a furnace and it felt as if the tears running over her cheeks were streams of lava.
Sax nodded to a nurse.
"Kate… please, can you do it?" asked Tegan softly.
Kate took a deep, shuddering breath but nodded. Sax nodded back.
"Just give me a moment please" said Tegan. She took a few deep breaths as Kate wordlessly turned away to pull on some gloves. Kate's hands were shaking and she took a long moment to try and compose herself, it wasn't working very well.
"You okay to do this?" Sax softly asked Kate.
"Yeah, I guess. You'll have to call it though I'm still on medical leave" Kate shrugged.
"Of course. If you can't do it or don't want to do it I'm sure she'll understand Kate" said Sax.
"No, it's fine. I'll do it. She needs me to do it" said Kate. She turned back to the bed. "Are you ready Tegan?" she asked softly. Tegan nodded weakly.
"I'm going to check if there's any response to verbal stimuli" Kate said and proceeded to gently touch Lindsey's shoulders. "Lindsey, Lindsey wake up. Open your eyes. Lindsey!" she said loudly while shaking Lindsey's shoulder. Lindsey didn't move. Kate rubbed her sternum hard with her knuckles and called her name again, still no response.
"No response" said Kate. She looked rattled to the core.
Kate took a torch from an instrument tray and gently pried open Lindsey's eyelids one by one shining a light into them quite a few times.
"Pupils are not reacting to light. Fixed and dilated" she said, voice breaking.
"I'm going to apply pressure to the forehead and pinch her nose now to see if there's movement". Kate did it and turned to Tegan. "No reponse" she sighed.
"We're going to insert some ice water into each ear now. This should let her eyes move if there is brain activity"
Tegan put her hand in front of her mouth and sobbed again.
Kate gently and carefully squirted the water into Lindsey's ear canals while Sax checked her eyes.
"No movement" Sax replied.
"We're going to insert a thin, plastic tube down the trachea now to see if it induces a gag reflex"
Tegan nodded and watched Kate insert the tube. "No gag reflex" said Kate. She knew Lindsey was gone, Sax would have made sure. She couldn't help but hope and wish that she was wrong with every test. With every result reality set in more firmly.
"I'm going to disconnect her from the ventilator for a few seconds to see if there is any attempt at spontaneous breathing" said Kate. She pulled a stethoscope from a shelve and put it against Lindsey's chest. She nodded at the nurse who proceeded to disconnect the vent. Lindsey let out a sigh through the ET tube. The line on the monitor showing Lindsey's breathing went flat immediately. Her heart rate went down. Kate's hands were shaking as she moved the instrument over Lindsey's lung fields, listening carefully. Tegan put her hand on Lindsey's chest as if to feel for herself. A couple of seconds later Kate shook her head and motioned to the nurse to reconnect the tube when the monitor alarms started sounding. "No attempt at respiration. No lung sounds at all"
"We have two more tests Tegan. I'm going to touch the cornea with a q tip to see if the eye reacts. Then I'm going to drop ice water into the eye. She needs to blink to indicate brain activity"
"Okay" Tegan said softly. Kate did the q-tip test with no response. She turned and readied a dropper and pried open Lindsey's eye lid again. Lindsey's eyes were one large black disc, staring lifelessly into nothing. The white of her one eye was so bloodshot it appeared completely red. Kate dropped the water into her eyes, no response. "She blinked! Did you see that she blinked" Tegan exclaimed and jumped up.
"She didn't blink Tegan" said Kate gently.
"She did, she blinked. Don't unplug her. She's going to be alright. Right baby…. You're going to be okay. You just keep fighting" said Tegan caressing Lindsey's face softly.
"Tegan… she didn't blink, she's gone. Even if she did, the other tests prove that she's not with us anymore" said Sax.
Tegan sat frozen, speechless for a few seconds staring at her wife's broken face.
"I'm so sorry Tegan" said Sax squeezing her shoulder.
"No… Noooo" Tegan cried from her depths. She got up but her legs gave way and she sunk to the floor in Kate and Sara's arms. "Noooooo… Noooooo" she wailed. Saliva was running out of her mouth and nose like a wild animal.
"Nooo" she kept crying and tried to reach out for her wife.
"Leave me" she yelled and pulled herself up.
"Baby… Linds… I'm here, I'm here" she said touching Lindsey's face with both her hands.
Sara let out another sob.
"Tegan, we're going to leave you for a while to say goodbye" said Sax.
"I'm not leaving her" said Sara.
"It's okay Sara… go" said Tegan not turning around.
-0-
"Oh god… no… Kate" said Sara falling into Kate's arms outside.
"I'm so sorry Sara" said Kate holding Sara as tight as she could.
"I can't imagine what she's going through… Oh god… Tegan"
"You lost a sister in law too Sar"
"So did you"
"We should call Kirsten and Ana, make sure they can stay with the kids longer" said Kate a few minutes later.
"Are you okay baby? I'm sorry you had to do that" said Sara.
"I'm fine" said Kate with a weak smile.
"You're so pale" said Sara touching Kate's face.
"I'm just… rattled. I'm okay" said Kate.
"I need to call my mom" said Sara wiping her nose.
"Okay, I'll organise the kids"
"Thank you baby, what would we do without you?"
Kate just kissed Sara softly on the cheek.
-0-
"Sax, do you know what happened?" asked Kate as Sax walked past. Sara had excused herself to the ladies room.
"Well… according to the cops a car skipped a red and T-boned her. Took them a while to get to her. The teenagers in the other car are going to be okay. One's in surgery, the other is up in high care for observation. Sounds as if the driver was texting" said Sax and shook her head. She gave a shuddering sigh.
"Fuck… I can't… damn it!" said Kate looking shaken up. She sat down on a plastic chair because it felt as if her legs might give way.
"I'm sorry" said Sax, it looked as if she'd been crying too.
"Kate, we need to get Tegan's consent for organ donation. Lindsey is listed as a donor but the final decision is up to Tegan. Lindsey's becoming more and more unstable. We need to get her prepped. They found matches in California for all the major organs. Lungs, kidneys, liver, pancreas, they have a perfect match for the heart and you know that's rare. Recipient is barely hanging on though, we don't want to delay if we can help it.
-0-
Tegan had climbed onto the bed next to Lindsey and lay holding her as she sobbed softly.
"I love you… baby, I love you. Whyyy? Lindsey… I love you" she kept mumbling over and over, remembering Lindsey's face just a few hours ago, smiling as she leaned out of the car window. She could still smell Lindsey's perfume but it was mixed in with that nauseating hospital smell and blood.
"I can't live without you… I don't know how I'm going to go on… I don't know…. I can't… But I will… I'll try… for the kids… oh god Linds they love you so much. We'll never forget you… you'll never leave our hearts. I love you, we love you. I'll take good care of them, I promise" Tegan whispered stroking Lindsey's arm up and down. It felt as if somebody was ripping her insides out with claws made of steel. She could feel Lindsey's heart beating under her cheek. How could she be gone?
A few minute later Kate and Sara quietly came into the room. Sara stroke Tegan's back in silence.
"Tegan… I'm so sorry to do this, I know this is the last thing you want to think about. But we need to know your decision on the organ donation. Time is of the essence now" said Kate.
Tegan just stared at Lindsey, she was still lying on her side in the bed.
"She can save a lot of people Tegan"
"Yeah… she'd want that, we've spoken about it a lot" said Tegan softly.
"Okay, thank you Tegan. It's an amazing thing you're doing. They're going to get the paperwork ready, they'll need to take her in about thirty minutes" said Kate.
"Don't let them take her eyes… I don't want anybody having her eyes" said Tegan imagining the sparkle she'd seen in those eyes day after day.
"Alright Tee… we'll see to it"
"Sar… please check on the kids for me" said Tegan seemingly a bit calmer.
"I have already, Kirsten will stay with them as long as she needs to. I've called Mom, she's taking the first flight out of Vancouver. Erin and Alex are here. They're waiting outside if you want to see them"
"Not just yet thanks… I'm still… trying to get my head around this" said Tegan.
"Alright, they'll understand. I'm here for you Tegan" said Sara and hugged her sister from behind.
Tegan just lay with Lindsey's body for the next almost forty minutes. She was still sobbing, body shaking with emotion. Later, Sara and Kate helped her off the bed to sign the paperwork. She could hardly stand, everything in her had been sapped.
Tegan walked slowly back to the bed and sat next to Lindsey. She took her hand and turned the platinum wedding band on her finger around and around. Lindsey's body was starting to struggle now. Her BP was dropping and so was her heart rate. Tegan took her hand and held it to her cheek.
"Don't go… please wake up baby… wake up" she whispered in vein. Her vision clouded with tears again.
A few minutes later Sax, Sara and Kate came into the room.
"Tegan, it's time. They need to take her now" said Sax softly.
"No… nooo!" Tegan cried.
Sara rubbed Tegan's back up and down.
"It's okay Tee. Let her go sis"
Tegan just kept staring at her wife.
"I love you, I will always love you. You were my life, my everything. Goodbye my love. You'll always be with me. My love for you is everlasting" Tegan whispered into Lindsey's ear. She put her head on Lindsey's shoulder and could feel the pulse under her cheek like she has so many times before. This time that pulse didn't bring her comfort.
"Tee, come on. You need to let her go Tegan"
Tegan stepped back and allowed the transplant team to prepare Lindsey to be moved to the operating room where they would be harvesting her organs for donation.
Tegan just couldn't stop crying. She held her hand in a fist in front of her mouth. Suddenly she turned and vomited violently into a basin.
"It's okay, it's okay" Sara kept repeating, holding her hair out of her face.
"Okay, we're ready to go" said a doctor. The team started pushing Lindsey's bed, monitors and life support machines out of the room.
"One minute" Tegan begged.
The doctor nodded kindly and stepped back.
"I love you. I love you. Always" Tegan whispered into Lindsey's ear and softly touched her face one last time. A minute later she nodded.
The team started pushing the bed out of the room.
"Lindseeeeey" Tegan screamed loudly.
"It's okay" Sara kept trying to calm her sister.
"Nooooo…. Noooooo" Tegan wailed over and over. She was completely frantic now and was shaking and wheezing uncontrollably.
"Noooo" she cried as she sunk to her knees.
Sax had an inhaler and put it to Tegan's lips but she didn't inhale when Sax pressed it.
"Tegan just take a puff please" said Sax. "No no nooooo….. Lindsey!" Tegan kept crying and shoved everyone away.
"Tegan please" Sara begged.
"Noooo" she kept sobbing and wheezing and collapsed to the floor.
"Sax get her sedated. We need to get her breathing under control" said Kate softly to Sax.
Sax calmly pulled up something into a syringe and knelt next to Tegan.
"Get away" Tegan wheezed, a nurse was trying to get an oxygen mask onto Tegan with no success.
"Get a nebuliser prepped please" said Sax to the nurse.
Tegan was starting so see black spots. She felt removed from her body. Sara was clinging to her sister as she sat on the floor holding her. Her leg was aching but right now, all that mattered was Tegan.
Tegan didn't even register the needle entering her upper arm.
"Lindseeeeey… Lindseeeey!" Tegan cried softer as her body went limp.
"Why… why" she muttered losing steam.
Sara just held her tight until two orderlies swiftly picked her up and put her on a gurney.
"Linds… don't go… love you" Tegan mumbled now like drunk person. The next second she was out cold. The medical team rushed her into another treatment room and swiftly transferred her onto a bed.
"Get them out, now" said Sax pointing at Sara and Kate.
"I'm staying" said Sara.
"Wait outside baby, she'll be okay, I'll stay with her" said Kate.
"Take care of her" said Sara and left the room under duress.
"Get a nebuliser with 2 of salbuterol running, she's closing up fast" Sax snapped.
"BPs at 65 palp, do you want to start a line" asked a nurse.
"Yes please, start her on a litre of saline, get her on a monitor too"
"Sax, pulse ox is 80%" said Kate looking worried.
"I know Kate, you're not the doctor right now, I think its best you wait outside" said Sax as she was treating Tegan.
"No" said Kate defiantly and stood her ground.
"Just don't touch anything, you're not cleared for duty"
"Pulse is tachy, 147" said a resident.
"Damn it! Push one of Sectral" said Sax.
"It's okay Tegan… hang in there, don't you go quitting on me. Your kids need you" mumbled Kate running her hands through Tegan's hair.