When Tegan stepped out of the car Erin was suddenly there. "Tegan… I'm so sorry" she whispered and enveloped Tegan in her arms. Tegan started sobbing loudly again. "She's gone E…. She's gooooone" Tegan sobbed. Alex joined in and tried to comfort Tegan. Tegan's knees buckled again and she started going down. Alex picked her up in one swift motion and carried her to a spare bedroom. He gently put her down on the bed.
People were all around Tegan trying to comfort her. It made her feel like she couldn't breathe.
"Just give me a bit of space… please" said Tegan.
Nobody moved.
"Please just… leave me alone"
"I'll go make you some tea" said Erin. Everybody started following her.
"Sara… Not you please… stay" said Tegan softly.
Sara wordlessly kicked off her shoes. She got on the bed. Tegan's back was towards her and she took her in her arms and just held her. She couldn't keep her own sobs inside as her sister shook in her arms. She could feel Tegan's pain lance through her.
An hour later it seemed as if Tegan had cried herself to sleep. Her breath still convulsively caught in her throat every few seconds and shook her body. Kate slowly opened the door and peered inside. Sara looked up at her and smiled sadly. Kate sat down on the bed next to Sara.
"She okay?" she whispered.
"No" Sara whispered back.
Kate rubbed Sara's arm that was still around Tegan.
"You're doing an amazing job. Just be here for her" she said and wiped a few stray strands of hair from Sara's face.
Kate got up and went down on her haunches in front of Tegan. She gently took her wrist in her hand and checked her pulse. She got up and walked back over to Sara's side. "Pulse is a bit fast and weak. I may need to get her back on some saline and glucose. Will that be okay?" Kate whispered.
"It's fine Kate" Tegan said softly.
Kate closed her eyes, annoyed with herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you"
"You didn't" said Tegan staring out in front of her.
"Tegan, Alex went to pick up your mom at the airport. Can I send her in when she gets here?"
"Uh huh" Tegan grunted.
"I need to get up… take a shower. Can we do it after… the meds?" said Tegan softly.
"You take all the time you need Tegan. Right now you don't have to go or do anything" said Kate.
"The kids… the funeral"
"The kids are absolutely fine, you don't need to worry about them. We'll take good care of them" said Kate.
"There will be more than enough time tomorrow to make arrangements, or the day after. We're all here for you Tee. We'll help you" said Sara.
Tegan just nodded weakly.
"I'll come set up the IV a bit later if you're still nauseous. If you manage to keep down some fluids we may not need it. You breathing okay now?"
"Yeah, I'm breathing fine" said Tegan without looking at Kate.
"Good. Call if you need anything" she said softly and opened the bedroom door to find Sonia standing in front of it, staring into space.
"Hi Sonia" she said and hugged her mother in law. "She's awake, I think she'd like to see you"
Sonia just nodded. She looked pale and upset. Her cheeks were tear stained, mascara running.
"Mom" said Tegan sitting up for the first time since they got there when Sonia came into the room.
"Teegsie" said Sonia and sat down next to Tegan. She held her tight as Tegan started to break down again. Sonia squeezed Sara's hand behind Tegan's back.
"It's okay… Mommy's here sweetie. I'm so sorry" Sonia whispered kissing Tegan's hair.
"She's gone Mom… she's gone" Tegan cried.
-0-
"Sara, they've made dinner. Why don't you take a break and get something to eat" said Sonia a few minutes later.
"No, I'm okay" said Sara, reluctant to leave her sister.
"It's okay Sara, go… get something to eat. Get some air" said Tegan.
"I'll be right outside if you need me Tegan" said Sara squeezing Tegan's shoulder.
"Thanks for everything Sar"
Sara just smiled sadly and quietly left the room.
Tegan got up from the bed and shoved a window open. Cool air streamed over her face and she took a deep, shuddering breath.
"Tegan, would you like to talk?" asked Sonia.
"About what Mom? About the fact that my wife, the love of my life, is dead… and she's never coming back… and the fact that my kids have lost a parent… and that I'll never love like that again?" Tegan snapped.
"Yes… about that" said Sonia calmly as Tegan stared out of the window.
Tegan sighed and sat down on the side of the bed. She put her head in her hands.
"It was just a normal day mom. Most people… they say that they fought or whatever before their partner died. We didn't, we had a wonderfully romantic evening. We had sex that morning… amazing sex. Heart and soul… In the last minute I saw her we said we loved each other. That we'll see each other soon" Tegan snorted a laugh. "Fuck… you know the last thing we said to each other? You and me… Me and you. It was our special words. Just ours you know. Jesus mom, how will I go on without her" Tegan said and broke down again.
"What a wonderful way to go though Tee. Knowing how much you're loved. Sharing how much you love your partner. I know sweetie, I know it's hard and right now you think that nothing will ever be okay again. I know you feel like your insides are being ripped out. But you're going to be okay… maybe not today… not tomorrow… but you're going to get through this, I promise you will. You need to grieve. It's normal and healthy"
"Why her mom? I was on the verge of death not once but twice… for weeks. And then…. in just a few minutes… she's gone… just like that. Why couldn't I just die instead of her?" Tegan cried. Sonia knew that this bargaining stage that Tegan was going through then was an important step to get through this.
"I don't know honey. I don't know" Sonia whispered holding her child.
"Do you think she suffered?" asked Tegan quietly.
"The doctors don't think she suffered Tegan"
"Where do you think she is now?"
"I think she's looking down on you. Holding you, weeping with you"
"God I loved her Mom. I adored her"
"I know you did sweetie. And she loved you and the kids so much"
"How do I… damn it Mom… How do I get through this?"
"You will Tegan. It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done but you'll get through it"
"I don't know" said Tegan shaking her head.
"Get some rest now" said Sonia softly.
"I need a shower first"
"Okay, I'll go get it ready for you"
A few minutes later Tegan stepped into the en-suite bathroom. She undressed and got into the shower. The cold water stunned her momentarily before the water heated up, steaming up the bathroom instantly. She focused as much as she could and swiftly washed her hair and her body. She braced herself against the wall as the water pelted down on her back. She tried to hold back but the sobs just came again. She shook under the spay trying to get a hold of herself. Eventually she just sank down to the floor and sobbed.
"Tegan, are you okay?" asked Sonia from outside the bathroom door.
Tegan wanted to, but she couldn't answer.
"Tegan, I'm coming in" said Sonia. She rushed to the shower and saw Tegan sitting on the floor hugging her knees. Sonia yanked open the shower door.
"Tegan, it's okay… it's okay" she said closing the spray.
Tegan was rocking herself backward and forward staring into space.
"Let's get you out of here" said Sonia gently.
Tegan didn't move. Sonia gently put a fluffy towel around her shoulders.
"You're getting cold sweetie, you need to get up" said Sonia.
Tegan still didn't move.
"Mom? Everything okay?" asked Sara from outside the door.
Sonia jumped up.
"No Sar, get somebody to call Violet and get Erin to come help me get her out of the shower"
A few seconds later Sara and Erin raced into the bathroom.
Tegan was moaning softly, still sitting on the floor.
"Let's get you out of here Tee" said Erin and she and Sonia pulled Tegan to her feet. Tegan's legs buckled slightly but they held on to her.
"I'm sorry" Tegan mumbled seemingly having snapped out of it.
"Oh Jeez" said Sonia noticing Tegan was bleeding where she managed to dislodge her IV line.
"I'm sorry" Tegan whispered again. Erin and Sonia sat her down on the bed and efficiently started drying her off. Sara held a dry washcloth on the IV site.
"Nothing to be sorry about sweetie. Just relax, we've got you" said Sonia combing Tegan's hair.
A few minutes later they had managed to get Tegan dressed in some of Sara's PJs. Tegan was slumped on the side of the bed staring into space again.
"Tegan!" Kate exclaimed rushing into the room.
"Why didn't you call me?" she asked Sara.
"You were sleeping"
"I don't care, you call me" Kate snapped trying to keep her voice down.
"I'm sorry" said Tegan again.
"Hey buddy" said Kate sitting down next to Tegan.
"Kate… she's gone" said Tegan softly, looking dazed.
Kate just took Tegan in her arms and held her.
"It's going to be okay, shhhh"
The sight made Sara's heart want to explode. She loved her wife for this. For the calm, gently, comforting soul she was.
A few minutes later Kate gently lay Tegan down on the pillows and had a look at her arm. She calmly put a dressing over the IV site.
"I think you're okay without another IV for a while. Do you think you can eat something?"
Tegan just looked at her.
"I take that as a no. That's okay, we'll make sure you get a good breakfast in the morning them"
"Kate shouldn't you…" Sara started.
"Sar, not now" said Kate calmly.
The next minute Violet came into the room.
"Hi Tegan" she said, ignoring everyone else in the room.
Tegan started breathing faster again and a second later the sobs started again.
"It's alright, I'm so sorry" said Violet hugging Tegan.
"Can you guys give us a few minutes" asked Violet.
Everybody was reluctant.
"I'll call you if we need you, promise" Violet smiled.
Everybody else left the room.
"I can't… Vi she's gone… she's gone" Tegan sobbed.
"I know Tegan, I'm so sorry" said Violet and hugged Tegan.
Tegan felt so weak she could hardly move a finger. The emotional overflow had completely sapped her.
"Tegan, I'm going to give you a sedative. Are you okay with that? We'll talk in the morning"
"Make it go away, make it go away" Tegan mumbled.
A minute later Violet plunged a needle into Tegan's bicep. A few seconds later she was out.
-0-
"Kate just take it easy please" said Sara as Kate paced up and down in the living room.
"I'm fine Sara" said Kate.
"Sit down"
Kate stopped and looked at Sara, then sat down next to her and kissed her palm softly.
"I'm not going anywhere Sar"
Violet walked into the room.
"Is she okay?" asked Sara, if she could have jumped up she would have.
"She's okay, I gave her a sedative. Should knock her out for the night"
"Good, now I can start a new IV line" said Kate getting up with some difficulty.
"Why does she need the IV?" asked Sonia.
"I just don't want her to dehydrate Sonia. She's not keeping anything down. I'll check her vitals again now, last time I checked it was okay. I want an open line if we need to get some medication into her for any reason"
"Okay" Sonia said swallowing hard.
The doorbell rang, Alex got up to open the door. Sax entered and walked straight to Kate.
"How is she?"
"She's… emotional… weak. Violet just gave her another sedative. I was just about to go check her vitals.
"I'll do that, take it easy"
"I'm fine, I'm doing it"
"Okay Kate. But I'll stay the night, you need your rest and I know you won't get any if there's nobody else to check on her"
"Thank you Sax, you don't have to do that"
"I want to"
"I appreciate it"
"She's a lucky girl, to have all of you take care of her. Sorry, I guess lucky is the wrong word... I..."
"It's okay... I know where your heart is" Kate smiled sadly.
"God... If she just got to us earlier"
"Don't do that Sax. We both know there was absolutely nothing that could have saved her"
"I know... I just... Fuck, I hate my job some days"
Kate took Sax in her arms and hugged her.
A/N: 300 Chapters! Can't believe it! Please keep the reviews coming please!