Tegan's sedation wore off around 4:30 that morning. She lay in the dark trying to put together the pieces. Her mom was asleep next to her. She went to the bathroom and noticed the IV line still in her hand but not connected to anything. She got back into bed and after an hour of staring at the ceiling in the dark she quietly got up, pulled on her sneakers and jacket over her PJs and walked into the kids room. The twins were asleep in their mobile cot and looked like angels. Tegan just stared at them for a while. She softly padded through the house to the kitchen and put on some coffee.
"Morning Tegan" said Sara behind her.
"Morning" Tegan mumbled.
Sara put her arms around her sister from behind.
"You okay?" she asked softly.
"I don't know… I just feel… numb this morning" said Tegan. She looked pale and completely drained.
"Let's go have coffee outside?" said Sara and patted Tegan's arm.
A few minutes later Tegan and Sara were sitting on the porch on an outside sofa covered in a thick blanket. Dawn was starting to break and it was eerily quiet. Tegan cleared her throat.
"I feel a lot better than yesterday. I think I should take the kids and go home. I want to tell them… oh god…" said Tegan and started crying again. "Fuck, here it comes again"
Sara put her hand on Tegan's back and just rubbed up and down. A minute later Tegan had kind of composed herself enough to talk again.
"I was saying, I want to tell them at home, when it's just us. Where they feel safe. I have no idea how I'm going to do that though"
"I think you should ask Mom or Violet for some advice Tee. This must be so fucking hard" said Sara now almost in tears herself.
"If she didn't have to come pick me up she would be fine" said Tegan staring out in front of her.
"Tegan don't you dare blame yourself for any of this"
"Why couldn't I die instead of her?"
"Tee don't" said Sara. Tegan just shook her head.
"Do they know what happened?" asked Tegan.
"Yeah"
"Tell me"
"Tegan I don't think now is…"
"Tell me! Please Sara"
"Two 17 year old girls skipped a red and smashed into her. Cops say it looks as if the driver was texting" Tegan jumped up and walked a few feet.
"Mother fucker!" Tegan yelled and hurled her empty coffee cup onto the pavement next to the pool a few feet away. Porcelain flew everywhere.
"Sorry" Tegan cried and fell back onto the couch. Sara held her as tight as she could.
The next minute Kate, Sax, Erin and Sonia was outside after being woken up by the commotion.
"I'm okay! I'm alright!" said Tegan with her hands in the air but still crying.
Sonia sat down next to Tegan and rubbed her thigh up and down. Nobody spoke.
Eventually Kate did "I'll go get us some more coffee"
"Are you cold sweetie?" asked Sonia.
"No… not at all" said Tegan.
"So… I want to do what I can today to get the funeral planned. I want it to be over" said Tegan fighting to keep her composure.
"We'll help you with all of that Tee" said Sara.
"Sara… I'm sorry but I'm probably not going to be able to tour or work for a while" said Tegan.
"Of course not, we'll talk to Tom later in the week"
Tegan put her head in her hands and sighed.
"Why… fuck this shit" she mumbled and shook her head.
"We're all here for you Tegan" said Sonia stroking Tegan's back.
"Thank you… for everything guys. I don't know what I would do without you" said Tegan.
Erin poured some coffee for Tegan and handed it to her.
"You should try and eat something" said Sax.
"Uh huh" Tegan grunted.
"Did they… are they alive?" asked Tegan.
"Who Tee, the girls in the other car?" asked Sara.
"Yeah"
"Yes, they're injured but they're going to be fine" said Sax.
"Of course they are" said Tegan and shook her head.
"The driver will live with this the rest of her life Tegan" said Sonia.
"Yeah… and I'll live without Lindsey for the rest of mine" said Tegan bitterly.
Tegan scrubbed her hands over her face and sighed.
"I feel… numb… is that normal?"
"It is sweetie. There's a lot of stages of grief and you've experienced a few of them already" said Sonia.
Tegan was crying yet again.
"It's so fucking unfair"
"I know it is… it's not fair" said Sonia gently.
"The twins are going to wake up soon. I'm going to take them home after breakfast. Can you guys just give us the morning please" said Tegan.
"Are you sure you're okay alone with them, they're a hand full" said Sonia.
"Yes mom. I'll call you if I need help. Promise" Tegan smiled half-heartedly.
"Alright. Tegan… don't rush through this okay. Just take your time with your grief. If you want we can talk about how to tell them. I have some experience with kids"
Tegan nodded.
"I don't think I'll ever get over this" she said and got up.
Everybody was quiet.
"I'm going to take a shower. Can one of you remove this please?" asked Tegan and held her hand out to Kate and Sax.
"I'll do it" said Kate jumping up. She swayed for a second as the head rush came over her.
"Katie?" asked Sara jumping up.
"All good" said Kate and followed Tegan to the bedroom.
Kate wordlessly started taking the plaster off that kept the IV line in place off Tegan's hand.
"Are you okay?" asked Tegan, suddenly noticing that Kate seemed paler than usual.
"Sure, just didn't sleep much" Kate lied.
"Kate… Sara's going to need you now okay. She's freaked out but you know her… supergirl"
"I know, I'll be there" Kate smiled.
"Just take care of yourself please. You're still very much recovering"
"I will, promise" said Kate and patted Tegan's thigh.
-0-
Tegan took her time in the shower trying her best to compose herself. When she came into the living room more than an hour later the kids were dressed and already had their breakfast.
"Mommy!" Casey yelled and both kids stormed Tegan. Tegan couldn't help but laugh as she tried to stay on her feet.
"Hi monkeys. I've missed you" she said and sat down on the floor with them. She hugged both of her children tight.
"Mamma?" said Ryan.
Tegan pretended she didn't hear that and kissed her kids cheeks before getting up.
"I guess I need to eat something" she said bravely.
"Sit down, I'll bring you some eggs on toast" said Sara.
Tegan obliged. It was difficult keeping her emotions inside and she took a few deep breaths as the kids started crowding around her again.
"Mommy, can we get a doggy?" asked Ryan.
"A doggy? Maybe Ryan, we'll see" said Tegan, suddenly looking paler than before.
"Please mommy" said Casey.
"How did this get into your heads?"
"Lots of puppies in the park" said Kate.
"We'll talk about it and decide okay" said Tegan.
Kate noticed the feint tremor in Tegan's hands but didn't say anything. The kids took off in the direction of the play room.
"Let me come home with you Tegan. I'll hang back and let you talk to them" said Sonia.
"Yeah… I think that may be best. I don't want to lose it in front of them" said Tegan.
Tegan struggled to get some breakfast into her. After forcing down a few bites of scrambled eggs and half a piece of toast she gave up. She immediately felt nauseous again.
"Kate, can you please give me something for the nausea?" asked Tegan, sweat beads forming on her upper lip.
"Yeah no problem. Come on, I'll give you a shot and take your vitals just to make sure"
"Okay" said Tegan softly.
Usually Tegan fought like hell when somebody fussed around her and Kate tried to take her vitals.
"I really need to take care of myself now. I'm all they have" said Tegan and got up.
-0-
Tegan unlocked the door to their house and closed her eyes holding the doorknob. She stood there for a full minute taking deep breaths before she opened the door. The kids rushed past her into the house.
"Mamma" both yelled, obviously looking for Lindsey.
Tegan put her hand over her mouth and supressed a large sob.
"It's okay…. Deep breaths" said Sonia with her hand on Tegan's back.
"I can't" Tegan cried.
"You can sweetie… just take your time. It's okay. I'm here if you need me"
"Mamma" she heard the kids yell again running through the house.
"I need to do it now… I need to do it" Tegan mumbled.
A minute later the kids were back in the living room with Tegan. They looked up at her questioningly. They must have sensed that something was off.
"Let's go outside for a while guys" said Tegan trying to smile.
The kids loved playing outside so they didn't complain. Tegan sat down on the lawn and took a full twenty minutes trying the breathing and relaxation exercises that Violet taught her a long time ago as the kids played nearby.
She felt reasonably calm and in control of her emotions when she called the kids over.
"Come sit down with me" she said gently.
"Play mommy" said Ryan pointing at the jungle gym.
"You can play a bit later Ryan, come Mommy wants to talk to you"
The twins each took a leg and sat on Tegan's lap.
Casey smiled and touched Tegan's face with both her hands. She was a touchy feely kid and loved physical contact. Tegan touched her face back.
"Love you mommy" she said. That was almost the end of Tegan but she fought to keep it together.
"Casey, Ryan. Mommy needs to tell you something that's not going to be nice to hear" said Tegan, her breathing suddenly shallow and fast.
"We ate the choccie mommy, I'm sorry… you can have mine"
"No sweetie, its okay if you ate the chocolate" said Tegan referring to the chocolate bars they were bribing the kids with a few days ago.
"Kiddos… Mommy Lindsey is… she died babies" said Tegan, tears started rolling down her cheeks.
The kids just looked at her frowning.
"Where's Mamma?" asked Ryan.
"Guys, mamma isn't coming back. Her body stopped working" said Tegan and took a deep breath.
"When's she coming home" asked Casey.
"She's not coming home again Case. Her body stopped working. Mamma is dead" Tegan repeated.
"Is Mamma going to be dead all day?" asked Casey.
"Yes baby, all day. And tomorrow and every day"
"She not working. You can fix her?" asked Ryan.
"No buddy, the doctors tried very hard to fix her but we can't fix her. She loved you so much. She'll always love you" said Tegan and gave a large sob.
"Don't cry mommy" said Casey and nestled her head in Tegan's neck. It was clear that at a little over two and a half years old they were just too young to understand what this meant.
"Where's dead mommy?" said Ryan.
"You mean what's dead? Ummmm…. Mamma is dead. She can't eat, see, hear, sing, walk around, laugh or cry. Mamma doesn't sleep, get hungry, or cold, or scared anymore" Tegan rattled off the script her Mom told her to use.
"Want mamma" said Ryan, his bottom lip started trembling. Both kids were apparently picking up on Tegan's distress. They knew something was wrong, that much was clear.
"Where she go?" asked Ryan.
"To another place Ryan… a place where she'll be happy and she can watch over you"
"Don't like that place, mamma can come back" Ryan
"Mamma can't come back guys"
"Mamma broken?" asked Ryan and put his little hands up in question.
"Yeah buddy… Mamma broken" said Tegan through tears. He knew that was probably the only way for them to understand. They knew that if something broke it was gone. They couldn't get it back and it didn't work anymore.
"Mamma loves you. I love you. It's going to be okay. I love you so much. I'm right here, always. I love you" said Tegan hugging her kids. Sonia had explained to her that the number one need of a child was to feel safe and protected.
"Want mamma" Casey started crying.
"I know Case… I do to" said Tegan still hugging the kids close.
Ryan pulled away after a minute and took off to his sand box. Casey reluctantly followed him.
"Hey, how'd it go?" asked Sonia sitting down on the lawn next to Tegan.
"I don't really know… I think okay. I don't think they understand. They think she's gone for the day. I told them her body is broken and they can't fix her"
"They're going to be asking for her regularly. You have to be consistent with the message Tegan. They're too young to understand but they need to know that she's… not away, or sleeping… she's…"
"Dead… I get it" said Tegan and put her face in her arms.
"It's okay, you guys are going to get through this. Just make them feel loved and safe. I know you do that already, every day. Keep doing that" said Sonia rubbing Tegan's back.
Tegan shook her head, still in her arms. She was crying again.
-0-
Later that afternoon Sara, Kate and Amelia came over to Tegan's house. Tegan hadn't slept again but she lay down with the kids in the spare room for an hour just watching them sleep.
"Hi guys, thanks for coming" said Tegan. She looked terrible, pale with dark circles under her eyes. Sara and Kate didn't look much better.
"Kids still napping?" asked Sara.
"Yeah, they've been… emotional the whole morning. I told them… about… you know… They don't understand but they know something is wrong. Cried themselves to sleep, not after hearing the news… after fighting over a toy"
"God Tee that must have been so hard" said Sara and hugged her sister.
"Don't make me break the seal again" said Tegan desperately trying not to cry again.
"It's normal though Tegan. Them acting out" said Sonia.
"I know, I won't be hard on them" Tegan smiled. She let out a sigh with puffed out cheeks.
"Let me put some coffee on for you guys" she said and disappeared into the kitchen. Every few minutes she had to stop and take deep breaths to control her emotions. She didn't want to do it in front of her family.
"How's she doing?" Sara asked Sonia.
"She's struggling, but all things considered I think she's doing remarkably well" said Sonia.
"I don't know how to help her. I just want to help her... take her pain away" said Sara.
"Unfortunately that's the one thing we can't do Sara. But you're doing a great job being there for her. She'll be okay. Just give her time"