Sara, Kate and Sonia helped Tegan organise the funeral that would take place two days later. Tegan kept it together reasonably well during the afternoon. Before leaving Kate did a cautionary physical exam on Tegan. She was weak and not in the best shape but Kate thought that some rest at home would be treatment enough. They all had dinner together and put the kids to bed before Sara and Kate reluctantly went home. Sonia and Tegan talked for a while before Tegan excused herself to go to bed. She was exhausted, physically and emotionally. She took a long, hot bath trying to relax her aching, tense muscles.
Tegan stood in front of the bed. Their bed. It was neatly made. The last time she was in that bed she was with Lindsey. Tegan just stared at the bed for a while, her heart racing wildly in her chest, her breathing fast and erratic. Eventually she opened the covers and got in fast. She switched off the light and inhaled deeply. She could still smell Lindsey, her scent still on the sheets. Tegan clutched a pillow and tried to capture that scent in her memory. She started sobbing again, eventually she cried herself into a fitful sleep.
-0-
After a hot shower Kate slid into bed next to Sara naked.
"Hey you, you smell amazing" said Sara and kissed Kate's cheek.
"Thank you, you look amazing" Kate grinned.
"Baby, you know I always want you but can you just… hold me tonight. I just want to feel you close" said Sara.
"Absolutely" whispered Kate and took Sara in her arms. Sara nestled next to Kate's breast and rubbed circles on her lover's belly and listened to her breathing under her cheek. Every now and then her fingers found a scar, Sara closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath trying not to think about the fact that Kate was fragile. That one day she may lose her too, that she came so close to doing that already.
"You okay?" Kate said quietly.
"Yeah, I just get a bit… choked up when I think about how lucky I am to have you"
"I'm the lucky one" said Kate and kissed Sara's hair.
"I love you" Sara whispered.
"I adore you" said Kate.
Sara turned her head and kissed Kate. Soft, gentle, feathery kisses turned hungry and demanding fast. Sara slid on top of Kate and straddled her, her hand moved down and ran over Kate's pubic area softly.
"I thought you didn't want to…"
"I changed my mind. I want you to make love to me Kate… I want for a few minutes not to think about the unbearable pain Tegan's going through" said Sara.
"Sweetheart… my sweet, wonderful wife… are you sure? You know I'll do anything for you" whispered Kate holding Sara's face in both her hands.
"Are you feeling okay? You up for it?" Sara smiled lopsidedly.
"Oh hell yeah" grinned Kate and kissed Sara.
"I don't want to hurt you. We're not supposed to…"
"You won't hurt me. Sax didn't say anything about sex in ages" said Kate.
"Let's just go slow and easy alright"
"Slow and easy" Kate smiled and kissed Sara again.
-0-
A little more than an hour later Tegan was awake again and staring at the ceiling.
"Baby… I miss you" she whispered.
"The bed feels so empty without you. I love you… I miss you so much. The bed is cold… and empty… like my heart right now. Oh baby... why?" Tegan whispered.
Another hour of rolling around Tegan eventually got up and pulled on some sweats and a hoody. She wished she could go for a run to get rid of her anger and grief. She knew she would not be able to run yet but decided that she would go for a walk in the hills the next day. Tegan checked on the kids before pouring herself half a glass of neat Jack Daniel's. She went out onto the patio, bottle in one hand and glass in the other and curled up on a patio couch. A thunderstorm was brewing and minutes later plump drops started slowly splashing down. Thunder roared in the distance. The environment perfectly echoed her soul at the moment. The rain intensified and seconds later it was pouring down hard. Tegan swallowed down all the Jack in her glass and coughed. She poured another and sipped it slowly as she watched the thunderstorm play out in front of her. She got up and leaned against a pillar at the edge of the patio. She was getting a bit wet but it didn't bother her. Tegan had the sudden urge to stand in the rain, to be cleansed of everything that clung to her mind relentlessly. She stepped into the downpour and held up her hands. It was cold but Tegan didn't feel it. She sobbed as she turned round and round in the rain, head thrown back. She just stood there allowing the rain to wash over her. Thunder and lightning was now roaring above her head. "Ahhhhh" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "Fuck this shit" she yelled again into the air. "Why! Whyyyy" she yelled as the rain pelted down stinging her face. She swayed, her legs suddenly feeling weak. She went down on her knees and kept sobbing and screaming. Lightning was striking loudly, close to her but in that moment, she didn't even notice it.
"Tegan! Oh my god! Get out of the storm!" Sonia screamed from the patio.
Tegan sat slumped, on her knees. She suddenly collapsed onto her side and slowly rolled onto her back.
"Tegan please get up!" yelled Sonia pulling Tegan's arm. Tegan didn't move. She just stared at the sky and the bright steaks of lightning above her.
"Tegan get up!" Sonia yelled.
"Go away mom… leave me alone" Tegan yelled.
Sonia ran into the house.
A minute later she was back with a bulky male security guard and Beth their lead security officer she found in the booth in front of the house.
"I'm sorry Tegan, we need to get you inside" said Beth and nodded for the bulky guy to pick her up.
"Just fuck off! Leave me" Tegan yelled. She kicked and screamed for a minute before giving up and allowing the guard to carry her inside.
"Get some towels please Sonia. She's freezing" said Beth.
Tegan was breathing hard and fast and suddenly shaking.
"I'm okay… I'm sorry" said Tegan and put her head in her hands.
Two minutes later Sara and Kate stormed through the kitchen door. Kate carried a sleeping Amelia in a car seat. They parked in the garage that linked directly to the kitchen so at least they were dry.
"Oh my god… you called the cavalry" said Tegan throwing her hands up in the air and with it the towel around her shoulders. The next second Sara was next to her, her arm around her shoulder.
"Hey… are you okay?"
"Yes" said Tegan after a few seconds of silence.
"You're shaking Tegan" said Sara softly.
"I'm sorry"
"No need to be sorry, but it's cold out there. It's dangerous Tegan. You need to take care of yourself now. For the kids"
"I know… I wasn't thinking" Tegan mumbled.
"Alright, Sonia, please go draw a nice hot bath for Tegan while I check her out" said Kate.
"I'm fine" said Tegan but her wheezing was increasing by the second.
"Take a puff" said Kate handing Tegan her inhaler.
Tegan obliged and took two shaky puffs.
"I don't know what came over me" she muttered.
Kate wordlessly removed Tegan's soaked through hoody and put a BP cuff around her arm and a pulse ox on her finger.
"I'm okay" Tegan repeated.
"Just let me check please" said Kate and started inflating the cuff.
"BPs a bit high and your pulse is racing… 158" said Kate calmly before listening to Tegan's heart and lungs.
"Wheezing is better but you're still only oxygenating at 90%. Take some deep breaths for me" said Kate calmly.
Tegan did as she was told as Kate took her temperature.
"Yup, it's low. Let's get you heated up before you become hypothermic" said Kate holding out her hand for Tegan.
Tegan got up, her legs felt wobbly and her vision swam. She swayed and Sara immediately had her hand around her waist.
A few minutes later Tegan had been helped into the bath by Sonia. She lay back and took some deep breaths.
"That's it sweetie. Everything's going to be okay"
-0-
"Fuck… I thought she was okay when we left here earlier" said Sara pacing up and down in the bedroom.
"I think she was Sar. It just… comes at weird times you know"
"Are you going to sedate her again?"
"No… she needs to work through this not be dulled out the whole time. We'll stay. If she can't sleep we'll stay up with her and get her through the night" said Kate.
"Honey, you need some rest. You're still recovering. You're so pale" said Sara touching Kate's face.
"I'll be fine Sara. I promise" said Kate kissing Sara's fingertips.
"I just want you healthy and safe" said Sara.
-0-
Half an hour later Tegan emerged from the bedroom dressed and thankfully unaided. Her eyes were puffy and red but she seemed in control again.
A fire was roaring in the living room where Sara, Kate, Sonia and now Erin was waiting for her.
"I apologise for that" said Tegan softly.
"You guys can go home now, I'm okay"
"No, we're staying Tee"
"You should get some rest"
"We can rest here" Sara smiled.
Erin handed Tegan a mug of hot tea. Tegan mumbled her thanks.
"I couldn't sleep… The kids today… they asked me if Mamma's going to be dead all day"
Tears welled up in Tegan's eyes.
"Oh Tee" said Sara rubbing her thigh.
"They asked if, since she was broken, if we could fix her"
Nobody else spoke, they just let Tegan get it out.
"They don't understand… fuck it… I don't understand"
"It's okay Tegan" said Sara still trying to comfort her sister with physical touch.
Tegan stayed quiet for a while staring at the fireplace. A cry came from the bedroom. Sonia immediately jumped up.
"No Mom… I'll go" said Tegan and got up. Sonia let her.
"Hey guys" said Tegan sitting down on Casey's bed. Casey's crying must have woken Ryan up too.
"What's up Case did you have a bad dream?"
"Mommy" Casey moaned.
"I'm right here, everything's okay" said Tegan. She ran her hand through Casey's hair, heat radiated from her.
"Oh god… you're burning up" said Tegan and jumped up. The world was spinning again.
"Kate! Kate!" she yelled.
A few seconds later Kate was jogging into the room followed by everyone else.
"She's burning up" said Tegan looking petrified. She put her hand on Ryan's forehead, he felt fine.
Tegan rushed over to Casey again and scooped her up while Kate was opening her medical bag.
"I've got you, Mommy's here"
"Mamma" Casey moaned. It just about killed Tegan. Sonia was sitting with Ryan who was quickly starting to fall asleep again. He looked as if he was never really fully awake.
"Please, please" Tegan mumbled as tears ran down her face.
"Tegan, put her down on the bed for me" said Kate gently.
Tegan just kept clinging to Casey rocking her from side to side.
"Tegan I need to examine her, please put her down on the bed. It's okay" said Kate.
Tegan nodded looking startled and pale.
"Mommy" Casey cried. Tegan lay down on the far side of the bed and rubbed Casey's belly in circles.
"Casey baby, Aunt Kate's going to just check if you're okay" Tegan whispered and kissed her child's hair. She smelled like baby shampoo.
"Okay sweetie, I'm just going to listen to your chest real quick alright" said Kate while heating the stethoscope in her hand. She gently put it on Casey's chest and tried to listen through Casey's moans.
"She's not congested" said Kate taking the stethoscope out of her ears. She gently palpated Casey's stomach, it didn't seem to cause her any pain. She put the thermometer against Casey's forehead and frowned when it beeped a few seconds later.
"Her lungs sound okay but she's got a fever" said Kate preparing the BP cuff.
"How bad?" asked Tegan through gritted teeth.
"About 103"
"Oh my god that's high" said Tegan in tears.
"It's okay, for a kid it's not that high. They often top out at about 105. Amelia had the same thing about a week ago" said Kate when the BP monitor beeped.
"Her BPs low, kids often drop their BP a lot when there's something physical going on. We don't have to worry just yet"
"Mamma" Casey moaned.
"Casey sweetie can you open your mouth for me, I just want to see if you've got anything nasty in there" said Kate sweetly.
Casey adored Kate and she immediately did as instructed.
"That's it sweetie, say ahhh" said Kate depressing Casey's tongue and shining a light into her throat.
"Yeah, her throat is inflamed" said Kate before checking in Casey's ears with. "Mmmm –bit of an ear infection too. I tend to think this is a virus and not much else"
"Please… please" Tegan whispered with her eyes closed.
"Tegan, I've got her okay. I'm going to draw some blood to send over to the hospital with one of the security guys. Just a precaution. I do think it's just a nasty cold" said Kate touching Tegan's arm.
"What else, what next" said Sara wiping tears from her face.
"Got some kids Tylenol Tegan?" asked Kate.
"Tylenol? We should rush her to the hospital" said Tegan.
"Right now there's no need for that Tegan. I'm here, I'll keep an eye on her" said Kate.
"Kate please, I can't lose her" Tegan cried.
"You're not going to lose her Tegan. She'll be just fine, this isn't a big deal. I promise. Sar, can you try and find Tegan's anxiety meds?" said Kate.
"Please Kate" Tegan begged, her world crumbling again.
"Let's get her into your bed so we don't wake Ryan up. We'll sponge her down. If her temp hits 104 we'll put her in a tepid bath. If it goes any higher we'll take her to the ER… okay?" asked Kate.
"I don't know Kate"
"Tegan, Kate knows what she's doing" said Sara.
"I trust you Kate… please just make her better" Tegan cried.
Kate carried a sleepy and feverish Casey to Tegan's bed and gave her some Tylenol. They turned the lights down low and started sponging the child down. Tegan was an absolute mess. She started wheezing again when Kate turned Casey on her side and inserted a rectal thermometer into her bum.
"It's okay, I just need an accurate core temp reading Tegan" said Kate. She looked at the readout but didn't comment.
"And? Is she okay? Is it going down?"
"It's about the same Tee but it's okay, it's not going up" said Kate listening to the girls chest again.
"I think I'm having a heart attack, or a breakdown… or both" said Tegan taking another puff from her inhaler.
Tegan kept sponging down Casey's bare chest and forehead. Kate tried to put a pulse ox on Casey's finger without Tegan noticing. She glanced down at it and gave Sara a worried look.
"Tegan… I think I should get Casey on an IV bud, are you okay with that? I just want to get some fluids into her. It will help with the fever and ensure she doesn't dehydrate. We'll get the first dose of antibiotics into the IV line when they send it over from the hospital. After that oral antibiotics will be just fine" said Kate.
"Jesus… a drip… we should get her to hospital guys. I'm not losing her" said Tegan.
"Tegan you're not losing her. It's under control okay" Kate repeated patiently for the umpteenth time that night.
Tegan was shaking, breathing hard and fast as she watched Kate start an IV line with some saline. Kate injected something else into the line.
"I just checked on Ryan and Amelia. They're both fine, no fever that I could pick up" said Sonia.
Kate checked the rectal temp again.
"I think we should get her in a tepid bath. I don't think her temps going down as fast as I hoped" said Kate.
"No… no no" mumbled Tegan. She felt as if her own heart was about to stop.
After Sonia had the bath prepared Erin carried the lethargic child and put her in the bath.
"Ahhh… Mommy" Casey wailed. Tegan was now in full on tears, the anxiety meds didn't help much.
"It's okay sweetie, Mommy's here"
"No bath… Mammaaaa" Casey cried as Kate poured water over the child.
"It's okay baby… it's okay" Tegan kept saying through her sobs.
"I want Mammaaaa Lin" Casey wailed so hard she almost made herself throw up.
After a few minutes of moaning Casey seemed to settle down. Tegan however was still freaking out.
"Tegan, try to calm down. She can feel your distress" said Sonia rubbing Tegan's back. Tegan swallowed the anxiety pill Sara handed her with some water.
Kate checked Casey's temp again with the forehead thermometer a few minutes later.
"That's more like it. Temp's heading down nicely" she smiled.
Tegan turned and vomited into the toilet.
-0-
Twenty minutes later Casey was settled back in Tegan's bed, out for the count. Kate checked her vitals again and smiled.
"Core temp's down to 100.3. Fever's all but broken. Her pressure is up to 85 over 65 and she's breathing just fine. Spoke to the lab a few minutes ago. Looks as if it is just viral. She'll hopefully be fine in a day or two. I'll order some prophylactic anti-virals and immune boosters for you and Ryan in the morning Tegan. We don't want you catching this little bugger"
"Thank you Kate. Will he get sick too? God I can't go through that again" said Tegan.
"Hopefully not. Tegan, she's going to be fine. Kids get these fevers all the time. Usually a few hours in the ER doing exactly what we've been doing does the trick. Next time you'll know exactly what to do at home"
"Next time! Oh no no no next time. Shouldn't she be admitted Kate? God, I'm so worried" said Tegan.
"Not while I'm here to check on her. Listen, why don't you lie down now and try and get some sleep" said Kate. Tegan looked like hell. Pale with dark circles under her eyes.
"Okay" Tegan mumbled. She still felt nauseous and light headed from a mixture of fear, grief and exhaustion.
Kate settled on a chair next to the bed.
"You should go get some sleep, I can check on her" said Sara into Kate's ear.
"I'll be fine sweetie" said Kate.
"Kate, it's almost 4 in the morning. You haven't had much rest in the last 48 hours. Please" Sara begged.
"I'll crash on the couch" said Kate making her way to the couch in Tegan's room.
"Just get in the bed already Kate" said Tegan.
Kate sighed and got into the far side of Tegan's king sized bed.
Sara turned the lights off and lay down on the couch.
Half an hour later Kate carefully got up and checked Casey's temperature again.
"How is she?" Tegan whispered.
"She's fine Tee. Fever's gone. Get some sleep now" Kate whispered.
Tegan held her little girl tight and tried to calm her mind.
A/N: Long chapter today! All of this drama will be done soon guys. We need to work through it. Poor Tegan, everything is just crashing down around her. Remember to send a review please.