A week later

"I'm taking the kids and we're going away for the summer" said Tegan where they were seated around her dining room table.

"You're what?"

"Sar, I… we just need to get away for a while. Get some perspective you know" said Tegan.

"Where will you go? Vancouver?"

"No, somewhere… on the other side of the country where I don't know anybody. Saw an ad for a place in Provincetown Massachusetts. Looks cool. Think we'll go there"

"You know Provincetown is like the gay capital of the East coast"

"It is? Good, so I'll be at home there" said Tegan sarcastically.

"How will you get there? Fly?" asked Sara, her heart thundering in her chest.

"Drive" said Tegan emotionless.

"Drive? Fucking drive?" said Sara.

"Sara just hear her out please" said Kate.

"Whose side are you on Morgan?" asked Sara. Kate just shrugged.

"I'll fly… commercial. I don't care, I'm fine with the flying thing"

"Sure you are" said Sara rolling her eyes.

"Sara I need to get out of LA" Tegan almost yelled.

"Tegan… I guess I get that. Go to the lake for a few weeks, or the cabin in Canada… or go to Santa Barbara or something. The other side of the country? Really?"

"I want to take the kids somewhere they'd enjoy it too"

"Well there's lots to enjoy in California Tee"

"I'm not asking you to understand Sara, I just…" said Tegan and closed her eyes. She was exhausted, she hardly slept. The nightmares just kept coming, of the crash and of Lindsey's death.

"Tegan just stay close, where you have people who love and care for you around"

"I have to do this Sara. Please just give me some space" said Tegan.

Sara stared at her sister. Tegan looked worn out and tired. Sara knew had an exceptionally difficult time after Lindsey's death just trying to keep herself together. She probably did need a vacation and some time alone to regroup.

"Well, you can't go alone"

"I won't be alone I'll have the kids with me"

"That's not what I meant and you know it"

"What you want to send a babysitter with me?"

"Tegan… you're still recovering from the accident whether you want to admit it or not and…"

"They have doctors in Provincetown Sara"

"You'll need protection too"

"I do not"

"Tegan please… just take one of the security people. One. Just one, for god's sake"

"Alright fine… I'll take one as long as he stays out of my way. I mean it. I don't want to see him"

"Why don't you take Beth, might be more comfortable for you"

"Whatever Sara" said Tegan shaking her head.

"Can we at least come visit?" asked Sara looking hurt.

"I'm counting on it" Tegan smiled.

"I want Sax to clear you first. Promise me" said Kate.

"You got it. I'm pretty much good as new" said Tegan.

"Uh huh" Kate grunted. She knew that was far from true.

"When are you going back to work?" asked Tegan trying to change the subject.

"Sax said I can probably start with half days in about a month or so" said Kate.

"Everything okay? You'll be able to operate and all, right?" asked Tegan looking worried.

"Yeah, that's the plan" said Kate before she nervously started biting a nail.

"Well that's great, you'll be able to come and visit before you go back"

"I'm not sure if I want to willingly get on a plane" said Sara.

"I understand that Sar. Listen… you know how much I love you guys. I'll miss you so much but please understand… I have to do this. I just need to go clear my head" said Tegan.

"Okay but you need to understand that I worry about you. Physically you're not hundred percent yet and emotionally you're nowhere near okay. So yeah, you need a babysitter for lack of a better word"

Tegan shrugged. "I'm holding it together Sara. I'm not going to lose it… not when I have two toddlers to look after alone"

"There it is… you're afraid of losing it, of breaking down"

"What? Have did you see me after Lindsey's death. I was a complete fucking wreck. You guys almost locked me up"

"We didn't almost lock you up" said Kate.

Tegan just snorted.

"I do think that you've dealt with it on some level but mom's only been gone for a week and you look like shit Tee. Sorry you do" said Sara folding her arms.

"Hence the need for a vacation"

"Tegan… how do I say this… I… I don't want you to keep things inside like you have been the last few weeks"

"How the fuck do you know what I'm keeping inside and what not"

"I'm going to check on the kids" said Kate and walked out to the garden.

"I want you to scream when you get mad. Like you did that night in the rain. I know you're keeping it together for the kids but…"

"I don't get it. You want me to keep it together but you want me to break down" Tegan yelled.

"Tegan I don't know how to help you and it scares me that…"

"Ahhhh… fuck Sara! Is it hard every day? It's fucking torture okay. Am I tired? I'm exhausted. I'm scared all time that I'm going to fuck up with the kids. I'm scared that I'll never be the mother Lindsey was" Tegan yelled standing up.

"I'm scared that she's not here to catch me when I fall.. or hold me when I hurt… Happy?" said Tegan softly and started sobbing.

"Hey it's okay, let it out" said Sara and hugged Tegan.

Tegan sobbed louder.

"There, is that what you wanted. That I scream and cry! You feel better now" said Tegan pushing away.

"Tegan I'm sorry… God I'm sorry. I know you're doing your best under very difficult circumstances."

"Lindsey's was my rock for so long. I've been so… weak… for so long. Lindsey was just there to keep me standing. And now… she's not there anymore. Time for me to put on my big girl panties and step up to the plate Sara" said Tegan after a long silence.

"You know I trust you Tegan. So I guess that if you feel this is something you need to do, you should do it. And you know maybe I'm selfish too. Maybe I just want you close all the time" said Sara.

"Sar" said Tegan and hugged her sister. "I love you, I understand that you're worried about me. You know that you and Kate and Amelia mean the world to me. You've been absolutely phenomenal through all this. I don't know how I would have made it this far without you. But I need a little bit of distance right now. I need to get rid of my training wheels. I swear to you that I will call you every day. I swear that I will let you know if I need help. I need to do this Sar, for all our sakes"

Sara nodded and wiped tears from her cheeks.

"Promise me that you'll be kind to yourself and take care of yourself Tegan. Promise me that you'll continue your physical therapy over there and that you'll check in with a doctor every couple of days and do what Sax tells you"

"I promise Sar. The kids need me, I won't do anything to put myself or them in any danger"

Sara nodded and put her arm around Kate's waist when she came back into the room.

"Everything okay?" she asked softly.

"Yes, it is" Sara smiled sadly.

"We'll give you a few weeks and then we're coming for a visit okay" said Kate.

"I'd love that" said Tegan and went in for a group hug.

"I don't know about this... She's not ready" said Sara when Tegan left the room to check on the kids.

"Maybe it's exactly what she needs" said Kate.

"What if she gets hurt or... Kate she won't have any support over there... Nobody to look out for her... For them" said Sara, close to tears.

"She'll have Beth and we'll be a phone call away. Look, I'll talk to her, see if she'll postpone it for a month or so, it's not even summer yet" said Kate.

"Please try, it will make me feel more at ease if she stays here another few weeks"

"Okay, but you know her, once she's made up her mind about something..."

"Just try, please... She listens to you"

"I'll make damn sure Sax and Violet signs off on this. Don't worry, it will be fine" said Kate and kissed Sara softly.