-0-
"Go to sleep now sweetheart. You're tired" said Sara and softly kissed Kate's full lips.
"You should go home, get some rest too. I'm fine" said Kate.
"No way, no further discussion, I'm staying" said Sara and kissed Kate's fingers.
"Thank you for being here" Kate whispered.
"I wouldn't be anywhere else you silly goose" Sara whispered.
"Goodnight my sweet, love you" Kate whispered.
"Love you too"
A few minutes later Kate had fallen asleep. Sara sat holding her hand for another half hour before crawling into bed a few feet from her. She couldn't sleep so she just listened to the beeping of Kate's heart monitor and the soft whooshing of her breathing. She still couldn't get rid of the terrible nervous feeling, as if a hand was clutched around her heart and squeezing. Kate was by far the best thing that had ever happened to her. She loved her with everything in her, body and soul, completely. Seeing her hurt, hurt Sara too. Her mind drifted back to her sister. If Tegan loved Lindsey even half as much as she loved Kate she must be going through absolute hell right now. Sara softly started crying into her pillow.
-0-
"Hi guys" said Erin as Tegan and Alex walked into the house. "How is she?" she asked looking worried.
"She's okay, Sax said she'll be fine. She's keeping her for a day or two for observation though" said Alex plonking down on a couch. Tegan stood in the same spot staring out in front of her looking a bit spooked.
"You okay Tegan?" asked Erin gently.
"Uh huh" said Tegan suddenly snapping out of it.
"Come have a seat, I ordered us some Thai food"
"I need to check on the kids" said Tegan looking frazzled.
"They're fine, I was just there. They're all out for the count"
"Glass of wine Tegan?" asked Alex.
"Yes please" said Tegan sitting down. Alex left the room.
"You sleeping over tonight right?" said Erin patting Tegan's thigh.
"O okay" said Tegan. She suddenly looked pale.
"Tee?"
"I was so scared Erin… I was so scared that she would die too… like Lindsey… I can't lose another one" said Tegan, now in tears, breathing hard and fast.
"It's okay, she's okay. She's fine Tegan"
"Fuck, I feel as if I'm going crazy" said Tegan slapping her palms hard against her head.
"Hey, shhh… don't do that" said Erin gently and took Tegan's wrists. She put her arms around her friend and hugged her tight.
"It's not okay… it's never going to be okay… I feel so empty… so scared… Shit… sorry… I just miss her so much. I just want her back. " said Tegan and drew away.
"Tee, you know what… that hole inside you, that big empty place that Lindsey left inside you when she died, it's never going to go away and no one will ever fill it. But you know what, every time you think about it, and how you miss her and you think you can't go on anymore you'll remember what you had and you'll be so grateful that she was in your life and always will be" said Erin into Tegan's ear while still holding her.
"It's okay to miss her, and it's okay to be scared" Erin whispered after Tegan gave another sob.
-0-
Sara was somewhere between awake and asleep when she heard Kate groan. She immediately sat upright and forced herself up on her sore leg to go to her wife.
Kate appeared to be sleeping but she moaned again. She moved her head from side to side and mumbled something incomprehensible.
Sara glanced up at the heart monitor that had now shot up to 124.
"Kate, baby its okay" she said softly.
Kate started breathing hard and fast, gasping. Her hands were now also moving, her lips trembling. "No… help… help… no" she mumbled again. Sax flew into the room and checked the monitor.
"I think she's having a nightmare" said Sara.
"Help!" said Kate loudly but sounding groggy as her eyes flew open. She was now struggling for breath and clearly very upset.
"Help" she gasped again and sat up. She moaned in pain as she did so.
"It's okay sweetie, you're safe, it's okay, I'm here. Just take it easy…. breathe" said Sara as Kate clung to her, now shaking violently.
A nurse put an oxygen mask over Kate's face as Sax listened to her lungs with the stethoscope on Kate's back.
"Sara… Sara are you okay? Are you hurt?" Kate gasped, still shaking.
"It's okay, you're safe. It was just a nightmare" said Sara again. The next moment Kate started sobbing uncontrollably. Kate's entire body shook as the sobs raked through her.
"Lung sounds are down a bit again on the left, let's see if she'll decompress" said Sax as she gently pushed Kate back. Kate clung to Sara as if she was a lifeboat.
"It's okay Kate, let her go" said Sax.
"No… no… don't leave me Sara" Kate sobbed.
"I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere baby" said Sara now also in tears. "Just lie back though so Sax can help you breathe better. It's okay, I'm here. Just a dream" said Sara trying to calm a frantic Kate down.
Kate lay back but was still clinging to Sara.
"Heart rate's still elevated, 115. You want some valium?" a resident asked Sax.
"Give it a minute" said Sax calmly.
"Kate, it's okay my love. You're safe, we all are. It's over baby" said Sara. Kate was still shaking but she slowly let go of Sara. She grabbed her hand and held it to her chest though.
"There we go, it's okay" said Sax gently rubbed Kate's shoulder.
Kate's breathing was getting a bit worse. Sax examined the seal on the cannula going into Kate's chest. The one way valve fluttered with every breath.
"Get a portable x-ray in here stat please" said Sax softly to the resident.
By the time the x-ray machine got there Kate was breathing much easier again and seemed to be almost calm.
"It was like it happened all over again… fuck, I was so scared" Kate whispered.
"It's over baby… I'm sorry you had to dream about it" said Sara and kissed Kate's forehead.
"Well, looks as if about 20% of the lung collapsed again with that commotion but it's back up now. I know you couldn't help that, but just try and take it easy alright Morgan" said Sax.
"Okay" Kate nodded.
"I'm on call if you need me. They'll page me down in the ER. Try and get some sleep" said Sax before leaving the room.
"Page me immediately if her sats go below 95 or if she asks for me" Sax said to the resident outside the room.
"She seems stable now though, must have been the sudden movement and…"
"Just page me if there's a change in the wrong direction" said Sax looking annoyed as she strode away.
"Yes doctor Sinclair" said the resident shaking his head.
-0-
"Sorry… I'm sorry…" said Kate softly.
"You have nothing at all to be sorry about baby. You can't control your dreams"
"Fuck… I don't think I can sleep right away. Lie down with me… please" asked Kate.
Sara smiled softly. "Anything you want my love, always"
Sara kicked her shoes off and got onto the bed with some difficulty. "I love you so much" she whispered into Kate's ear.
"Love you too… love you so… much" Kate mumbled as the medication Sax ordered a few minutes ago started kicking in and things started getting whoozy again.
-0-
Sara woke up just as dawn was breaking and struggled for a minute to make sense of her surroundings. Kate was asleep next to her and Sara turned her head to check the heart monitor. She was covered in a blanket and the bed railing next to her was up, one of the nurses probably didn't have the heart to wake her made sure she was warm and in no danger of falling off the bed. She only intended to lie with Kate for a few minutes until she was asleep but she was so tired she must have dozed off. Sara's leg was numb from lying in the same position so long and she really needed the toilet.
She tried in vain to get the bed rail down and was now starting to feel trapped and claustrophobic. She tried to reach for the call button next to Kate.
"Babe what are you doing" asked Kate sounding half asleep.
"I need to get down off this bed" said Sara sounding panicked.
"Hey it's okay… hang on" said Kate trying to focus, still feeling sleepy. She pressed the call button.
Sara was now trying to slide down the bed to get off.
"Sar just hang on a minute" said Kate.
Sara shook the bed railing again. A nurse came walking into the room.
"Get this down, I need to get down" Sara yelled.
"Okay, just calm down. Take it easy" said the nurse and put the bed railing down. Sara fumbled down and landed hard on her injured leg.
"Fuck" she cursed under her breath and hobbled to the bathroom.
Sara splashed her face with cold water trying to compose herself. The sudden anxiety attack still had adrenaline coursing through her body.
"It's okay, your fine, Kate's fine" she repeated a few times as she clutched the hand basin so hard her knuckles turned white. She took a few more minutes to find her equilibrium.
"Morning" said Kate when Sara returned.
"Morning" said Sara looking embarrassed.
"How are you feeling sweetheart?" Sara asked before kissing Kate's cheek.
"Much better thanks. Want to tell me what that was all about?" asked Kate.
"Nothing… I just felt a bit… disorientated when I woke up"
"I know… it sucks waking up in the hospital right, in any capacity" said Kate.
"I'm sorry about that scene. I don't know what came over me" said Sara looking down.
"It's okay, I know it can get scary sometimes. You're okay"
"Fuck I hate this place"
"I know, but they're taking really good of me. I'll be out of here in no time"
Sara just nodded looking pale.
"Why don't you go home for a bit and go take a shower, spend some time with Ami and get some rest"
"I don't want to leave you here alone"
"I'm fine baby. I'll probably just sleep this morning. You can come visit again this afternoon. Sax is probably going to kick you out soon anyway"
"Please just be okay" said Sara close to tears.
"I promise" said Kate and kissed Sara's fingers.
"Okay, I guess I should go check on the bambino and Tegan. Can I at least wait until Sax makes morning rounds so she can check if you're really okay?"
"Deal" Kate grinned. She really did look a lot better than the previous day.
"Is Tegan okay? She looked quite... frazzled yesterday, even if she did try and put up a brave face" said Kate.
"I think so. I think you scared the shit out of her... Out of all of us, but when she left here she seemed okay. She stayed over at Erin and Alex's place last night. Thank god for them"
"You okay with her going away?"
"I don't know, I think I'm getting there. She promised to postpone it a couple of weeks after all that happened yesterday so I'll have some time to make sure she's okay"
"You're an amazing sister you know that? She's so lucky to have you"
"I'm the lucky one" Sara smiled.
Sara shuffled around in her seat. "I just... Sometimes it's like I can actually feel her grief. That thing... when I can tell when she's in trouble or upset... It's just on full blast since... Lindsey..."
"Oh sweetheart... Come here" said Kate and pulled Sara in for a hug.
"She'll be okay. She needs to grieve, it's normal. It's healing, even though it doesn't feel that way right now" Kate said softly into Sara's ear.
"I know... It's just so hard seeing her like this"
Sara hung on to Kate for a few more minutes before Kate spoke again.
"I love you"
"I love you more"
"Not possible"
"Oh really? Well it's possible" said Sara finally managing a smile.
"Help me up please? I Really need the bathroom" said Kate.
Sara helped Kate disconnect the monitors and oxygen and was relieved to see that Kate was moving reasonably comfortably and breathing easily even without the oxygen.
"You're so brave, so amazing" said Sara after he nurse had reconnected Kate after the bathroom break.
"You make me brave" said Kate looking into Sara's eyes.
"You be a good girl and rest up today alright. I want you home where you belong"
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A/N: Again,sorry this one took longer than normal. I'll try to write faster. Keen to get Tegan on her trip. Thanks for all the great review!