-0-
Kate spent two nights in hospital, mostly as a precaution. Two weeks later she was feeling and looking good. She had some colour back in her cheeks. She made sure she got plenty of rest and didn't do anything strenuous. Sara, Kate, Tegan, Sax, Jude and the kids even had a long weekend away at the lake. Tegan was relieved to have babysitters and she spent a lot of time alone. Just thinking, remembering. The more Sara saw her sister craving some quiet time the more she started to realise that Tegan really did need this trip she planned.
"Hi" said Sara and sat down next to Tegan on the wooden bench next to the lake.
"Hey Sar. Everything okay with the kids?"
"Yeah, I just put them all down for a nap"
"Thank you, I owe you"
"No you don't. Tee... I think I get why you want to go away. It's hard for me to let you go, but I will"
"Thank you Sara" Tegan sighed.
"Please just promise me that you'll call if you need me"
"I promise. It's going to be rough taking care of two kids alone but Beth's going and I'm sure she'll pitch in if I need her. Sar... I'm not going away forever, I just need to get away for a bit to find my bearings, to think, to connect with my kids. I love you and Kate so much. You've been so amazing, please know that"
"I just worry about you Tegan, and I'm not going to apologise for that. But I understand and you have my blessing"
"I'll miss you. But I'll call every day"
"You better!" Sara smiled.
-0-
"Mommy, will Mamma be at the cacation?" asked Casey a week later.
Tegan took a deep breath and let it out slowly as tears built and threatened to spill over.
"It's vaaaacation Case. No, Mamma won't be there. Mamma died. Remember how we talked about that?" said Tegan as she dried Casey off after her bath.
"Oh… yes" said Casey and allowed Tegan to pull on her pyjamas.
"Will there be swimming?" asked Ryan.
"Yes my little dolphin, there will be swimming" said Tegan and started drying Ryan off with a soft towel.
"Yay" said Ryan jumping on the bed.
"No jumping on the bed mister. Have you guys chosen the toys you want to take?" asked Tegan.
"Yes" said Ryan and pointed at a massive heap of toys by the door.
"Ooohhh, that's too many toys Ry. You can each choose 5 things and that's it" said Tegan.
"Noo, no no no" said Ryan jumping on the bed again.
"Ryan I told you not to do that!" Tegan snapped.
Ryan burst out in tears and buried his face in a pillow. Tegan put her hand on his back trying to talk to him.
"No! I want Mamma" Ryan yelled.
"Mamma died" Casey piped up.
Tegan could feel her head pounding fast in time with her pulse. She stayed quiet for a minute before speaking.
"Ryan, buddy. Look at me" she said. Ryan didn't move.
"Ryan, look at Mommy please" she repeated. Ryan slowly turned around and looked at Tegan.
"What you did just now wasn't nice. We're a team remember. When we get to the vacation I'll buy you a new toy but right now, Mommy said 5 toys and that's it okay? Everything won't fit in the airplane if there's more. You want to sit on the roof?" Tegan joked.
"Yeah!" Ryan laughed. In that moment he looked so much like Jeremy that Tegan almost choked up.
"Do you know how cold it is up there! And it's high up!" Tegan laughed and tickled her little brown haired boy.
"That's scawy" said Casey.
"Okay Mommy, I'll take 5 toys" said Ryan.
"Can you count to 5 yet? Casey how about you?" said Tegan as she started untangling Casey's long hair. The kids started counting. Tegan smiled to herself. They were so smart. Their vocabulary was way ahead of the curve. Lindsey did an amazing job with them, sure she helped but Lindsey did most of the work while she was either sick or working. She just hoped that she would be able to do half as well.
-o-
Sara came into the kitchen after putting Amelia down for the night.
"Hi, she's down for the count" she smiled and ran her hand over Kate's back.
"Good, she had a busy day. She's going to miss spending time with the cousins" said Kate.
"We all are" said Sara and sighed.
"You okay?" asked Kate.
"I think so. It's going to be hard not seeing them every day"
"I know" said Kate and kissed Sara's forehead.
"How are you feeling?" asked Sara to change the subject.
"Good, no problems at all" said Kate.
"Really?"
"Really. Sax said I can go back to work in about a week. It will only be mornings and only consults, no surgery yet, but I'm fine with that. I just need to get back into the swing of things, however slowly that may be"
"I don't want you to go back to work. Is that selfish?"
"No... It's not"
"I know it needs to happen and I'm happy for you, but I don't know what I'm going to do with myself the whole day"
"It will just be mornings Sar"
"Yeah for how long? Knowing you a week tops and then it will be back to those ungodly hours"
"I'm sorry Sar... It's my job"
"I know, I'm sorry. I'll just miss you so much that's all"
"I'll miss you too. Let's just enjoy the time we have together now"
"You just promise that you won't overdo things please. I'm going to make sure that Sax watches you like a hawk!"
"That won't be necessary but if it will make you feel better, fine"
"I think I may try and get a production gig or something to keep busy"
"That sounds like a great idea babe"
"Just long enough so I won't look like a worried, overprotective sibling when I go visit Tegan"
"I'll try my best to get time off to come with you. They'll probably allow it, nobody wants to see me burn out"
"That will be amazing. I still don't know how she's going to get on that plane tomorrow. She's got anxiety issues as is and..."
"She's stronger than you think you know"
"I hope so..."
"I spoke to Violet earlier today and she thinks she'll be okay. She's worked through those anxiety issues"
"Thinks or knows?"
"Sara, Beth and Ian will be with her. You know how good Beth is with her"
"Not good enough, Beth isn't me"
"I know that! But I don't think that we're the people she needs with her tomorrow. In fact I think we're probably the last people she needs with her"
"That stung... But you're probably right"
"Does she have all her medical stuff, her inhalers and meds?"
"Yes, I double checked today"
"Have you spoken to one of the doctors in Provincetown yet?"
"I have, Dr Tory King has her medical history. Sax also spoke to her. Tegan agreed to go in for a checkup once a week. It's probably overkill but I want to be sure. Her wife Reese Conlon is the sheriff and she said she'll ask her to keep an eye out for Tegan too. Relax, it's going to be okay"
"Thank you. I love you"
"Love you too. What time are we taking them to the airport?"
"We need to pick them up at 8... How am I going to do this?"
"You'll be fine, you both will"
"I know she doesn't need pity, but man I feel sorry for her. She's like a ghost of her old self"
"Just give her time Sara. She will get over this"
"I don't think I'd ever get over losing you..." said Sara, tears glistening in her eyes.
"You're not losing me... Shhhh" said Kate holding Sara tight.
-0-
Later that evening Tegan looked at the packed suitcases in the dining room and felt her heart flutter in her chest. She was so scared but she knew she had to do this. The house was quiet, too quiet. Tegan and Lindsey used to take the time in the evening when the kids were already in bed just to catch up and talk, about everything and anything. Tegan missed that. She missed being able to talk to her wife.
Tegan poured herself a glass of wine. It got to the stage where she almost started feeling guilty about her daily glass of wine. She sat down on the couch on the veranda outside and switched on the baby monitor. She suddenly, and for the first time since Lindsey's death, had the urge to play guitar. After picking up her favourite guitar in the house she started tuning. She felt a sudden flutter of emotion in her chest and abruptly stopped tuning. She took a few deep breaths while softly stroking the smooth wood of the guitar with her eyes closed. The smooth curve of the wood brought up a vivid image of Lindsey's hips and she snapped her eyes open. She put the guitar down and took a few sips of wine, her hands shaking.
She sat with her head in her hands for a few minutes before taking a big, shuddering breath and picking up the guitar.
"Fuck I miss you"' she whispered.
Tegan started playing a few random melodies before sticking to one. She softly started singing the song that most resonated with what she was feeling right at that moment.
"There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love ‒ it taught me to lie
Life ‒ it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love ‒ it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on, courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know"
A/N: Please keep the reviews coming!
I guess you all know this already but in case you're young and don't - the song is "Cannonball" by Damien Rice. I love that song. Tory King and Reese Conlon are characters from another Radclyffe novel (series of novels rather). Not copyright infringement intended. It's just fanfiction after all. If you haven't read the Provincetown series, go ahead and treat yourself. It's excellent.