As always, sweetpeas - I don't own Twilight, or the characters, or blah! And bold = taken from the book... so like enjoy, please! (I hope you do!)
"Bella, stop this right now!"
It was a furious voice, a familiar voice, a beautiful voice – soft like velvet even though it was irate. It was his voice.
"Go back to Jessica", the lovely voice ordered, still angry. "You promised - nothing stupid".
Chapter two
Lying in bed, I recount everything that happened the night before.
The movie, Jessica's endless talking… the men – the voice. I'd have to try and apologise to Jessica for my wandering off, she barely spoke to me on the ride back. I'd just need to make up some excuse, maybe I could say it's a new mediation I'd been trying – she'd buy that I'm sure.
But, for the first time since he left, I felt awake. The numbness was still there, but when I heard his voice – although it was angry, furious, even – it reminded me of a time when he cared, and maybe that would be all I needed to get through. I, at least, need to try to pretend - for Charlie's sake.
At the very least, at least if Charlie sees me try, he's going to be less likely to make me leave.
So now it's just about how to pretend. Forks is a small town, there isn't all that much someone can do to distract themselves in the way I needed to distracted, in the way that would let me hear that velvet, rough voice again.
I'd just need to get creative. I could do that.
My mind tries to slip into memories of him, but I can't let it. For if I think of him too often, the pain comes back like a tidal wave, sweeping me up and taking me under.
I tell myself to breathe, the haggard breath aches my body but it's better than the alternative.
Throwing on a pair of dark jeans and a green jumper; I stopped wearing blue after everything. I pull my hair into a high ponytail and look at my gaunt face in the mirror. I'm unbelievably pale, and not just from the lack of sun, all the colour has washed from my face, the pink of my cheeks disappeared when he did; he took all the colour from my life when he left.
If I knew what I was doing with makeup, I would at least try to bring myself to life, but it's no use. Everyone knows I'm faking anyway.
Charlie's already left for work by the time I get downstairs. I'm later than I usually am, so, although I'm not particularly hungry, I grab an apple for breakfast and head for the door; grabbing my backpack on the way out.
I speed to school, so to make up for the lost time I spent in my thoughts this morning. By the time I pull up to the parking lot, all the good spots have been taken. When I get to my first class, everyone's already sat down. I mumble my apologises to Mr Varner, but due to my good grades and usual punctuality, he doesn't seem to mind the fact that I'm nearly 10 minutes late.
I pull out my usual seat next to Jessica, she eyes me wearily and purses her lips together. I thank God that Mr Varner sets us a paired task, allowing me an opportunity to speak with her – much to her obvious dismay.
"Hey, Jess", my voice raises at the end and sounds more like a nervous question than warm greeting.
"What?", she snaps.
"I just wanted to apologise for last night", I say earnestly.
"What was that, Bella? Seriously. First, you ask me to go out after not speaking to me for God's knows how long and I think well, okay then. Why not? And then, just when I think we have a shot at being friends again, you nearly ditch me for some creepy guys. Like what the hell?", she spits out at me, a few of our classmates turn to look over at the ruckus coming from our table. "I mean seriously, they weren't even that good-looking".
"Everything okay, girls?", Mr Varner asks in our direction.
"We're fine, sir", Jessica smiles sweetly back at him, she turns to me and lowers her voice once more. "Well?"
"I thought I recognised them, you know?", Jessica looks at me with an eyebrow raised, so I ramble on. "And then my shoe slipped, and I wanted to try practicing mindfulness, and I just thought you know, that we'd be okay. And I get why it wasn't. Anyway, I'm really sorry", I rush out.
Jessica stares at me.
"Oh! I didn't realise you were into meditation now?", she queries.
"Uhh… yeah. Just some stuff I'm trying", I try to cover up the confusion in my voice.
"I've heard all about how important it is to take a few minutes out of the day to just relax, you know? Bella, you should have just said that. Jeez", she laughs. "You know I'm all about wellness right now".
"You're right. My bad", I say, giving her a small smile.
"Anyway, so what are you doing at the weekend? I was thinking me, you, Angela, and Lauren could all go out", she asks.
I nod and listen to her ramble on about our weekend plans. She continues telling me how great this weekend will be as we work on what Mr Varner set us together, and even after he calls our attention, Jessica continues to ask me what I think she should wear.
It's only the shrieking from the bell that pulls me from my daze and back into the room. While I'm grateful to escape the droning of Jessica's voice, feeling the reminder of the numbness flood back into my body, I can't help but feel a twang of irritation towards the bell that pulled me from my daze and back into reality.
Before I know it, lunch rolls around.
My stomach growls at me as I join the line for food, in front of me Angela stands. Her eyes light up when she sees me.
"Bella!", she says positively beaming. "You're sitting with us today, right?". I haven't sat with them in months, but after my recent trip to Port Angeles with Jess, she must assume that I'm back in the group. I'm grateful for the invite, as long as it doesn't get revoked once Jess tells Lauren the full details about our trip – which I'm sure is just a matter of time.
Lauren, Jess, Mike, Eric, and Ben are already sat around a table.
They all give me a warm greeting as Angela and I pull up a chair each – apart from Lauren. It's like I never really left.
Moments like this are easy. Where I can sit and nod in the appropriate places, laugh when a joke is told, agree to the things that everyone else agrees to, but really, it gives me a chance to let the numbness take over. It lets the hole in my chest grow that little bit wider as I live another day without –
I can't think of him. Not now. Not with so many people around.
My tired body pulls my attention back into the conversation. I need to try, I need to pretend. I need to be here, just in case. The gape in my chest calls out for the one person who could fix this, the one person who is not here. And for the first time in months, I almost truly smile because I know I can hear him again. And that's as close as I will ever get to him again.
Just as the heartbreak begins to take over, Jessica starts discussing the weekend plans to Lauren and Angela.
"Bella, do you want to come over to my place first?", Angela smiles warmly to me.
The sound of her voice shocks me, but pulls me from my indulgence of misery.
"Uhh…", it takes me a while to process what she has said. "Yeah, sounds great", I say with sincerity, "say 6pm?"
"Perfect".
"Hi, guys!", an unknown voice pulls the group's attention. "I'm Hannah, I'm the captain of the new girl's wrestling team. I wondered if anyone wants to join?", a pale redhead smiles from Lauren, to Jessica, to Angela, to me. She's a small and petite girl, and I wonder how well she'd do at wrestling.
"Wrestling?", scoffs Lauren.
"Yeah", Hannah fidgets nervously from one foot to the other, "it's a great form of self-defence and definitely a fun fitness, so much better than the gym", she laughs and we gaze up at her as if she were an alien.
"It really helps you get to know your body", she says.
I clock Jessica looking down at her long nails, I can see her brain processing what wrestling would mean for them.
"It's a no from me", Jess says kindly, but horrified.
"Me too, I'm already working on the school paper, and the yearbook, and band", Angela pipes in, "I can't take on anything else right now, thanks though".
Hannah looks to me.
"When are tryouts?", I ask.
"No tryouts", she says hurriedly, "I mean, we're all there to train together and we work together as a team, you know? But no worries if you don't like it", Hannah smiles broadly, and I notice the gap in her front two teeth.
"We're meeting today after school in the gym", she passes me a flyer. "It'd be great to see you there".
I smile back to her, she says her thanks and leaves.
Lauren snatches the flyer from my hands. "You can't be serious? You? You want to try wrestling?", she laughs.
"It might be good to try something new", I say.
"I think it's great, Bella", Angela says passing the flyer back to me.
The bell rings sharply again, and sends a jolt down into me. I notice Jessica still eyeing her nails, even as we all get up to leave.
Mike runs up beside me and takes the flyer from my hand, "so you're going to get all The Rock on us, eh?", he nudges me playfully.
"It'll be good to try", I lie.
"What if you get hurt?", Mike asks me curiously, with a look of kindness in his eyes.
I shrug my shoulders in response and say nothing. I fully expect it to hurt. If it hurts then that means it's reckless – and reckless is exactly what I need.
We're getting there... slowly but surely... just wait until chapter 3 and then we'll really be cooking! If you enjoyed this then make my day and leave a review, or don't - whatever makes you happiest, really!