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TWs: Bullying

Remus spent the rest of his afternoon in the library, alternating between studying and resting his head on the table while constantly having to force back his tears. He would just have to get used to the effect of the aconite. Hopefully he could develop a tolerance for it. He would also just have to get used to the humiliating lessons where he was labeled as a monster. Lessons on how to kill him. He would just have to get used to all of it if he wanted to stay, and despite everything, he wanted to.

"Remus, what in Salazar Slytherin are you doing?" Came Sirius' sharp voice. That demanding tone which Remus was all too familiar with, signifying the young Black somehow thought he deserved an answer.

Remus jumped and hoped he looked calmer than he felt. He sat up and glanced at Sirius, looking away from his roommate quickly.

"Studying...W...what about you?" he stammered, trying to remind himself that Sirius wasn't going to attack him. At least he hoped not.

"I was looking for you. I didn't see you at breakfast or at dinner...Why aren't you eating?" Sirius asked, almost sounding angry about it.

"Just...not hungry," Remus replied, a bit confused as to why the question was even posed to him.

Remus knew his excuse was a weak one, but he figured Sirius would take it and leave. After all, the boy had no reason to care about him nor any reason to feel responsible for his well-being. So why Sirius didn't leave but sat next to Remus, he truly didn't know.

"That's a bloody lie and you know it! Potter and Pettigrew might pretend to buy whatever game you're playing, but I don't. I can't figure out your problem. So you're going to tell me what your deal is and that way we can be mates and actually enjoy our time at Hogwarts. Yeah?"

"What problem?" Remus hated how guilty and panicked he sounded. He felt a chill run down his spine as Sirius glared at him.

"Come on, Remus! I want to be your friend. I don't understand you, but you seem nice enough even if you're really weird. Something clearly is wrong so what is it? Friends help each other and I mean... Well, you came looking to help me, so let me do the same. Okay?"

Stormy eyes gazed challengingly at him. Remus wanted to snap at Sirius to go away, to leave him alone because his day had been wonderful, then terrible and everything was confusing and painful. He just wanted time to get used to being here, let alone get used to the potential of not everyone bullying him.

But Remus didn't say any that. If he had perhaps things would have gone differently. Instead, Remus looked at Sirius with earnest confusion and uttered four words that would change the course of his next month to a very unpleasant one.

"But we aren't friends."

Sirius jerked back as if Remus had slapped him, though Remus hadn't meant anything by it. After all, it was the weren't friends and they couldn't be. Remus found more fault in pretending they were than in just being as honest as he could with Sirius. It seemed that Sirius didn't get this, nor did it seem his roommate particularly cared about the motivation behind the honest statement.

For one wild moment, Sirius' eyes flashed with rage and humiliation. It was as if he wasn't used to hearing 'no' from someone clearly beneath him. Then Sirius smiled. His lips pulled into a tight grin that was neither sincere nor friendly. Remus felt dread seep into him, realizing once more he had somehow messed things up terribly with Sirius.

"Well if you aren't my friend, then you are my enemy. And by proxy Peter's and James' as well."

Remus should have taken his statement back then and there. He should have convinced Sirius he indeed wanted to be friends. But instead, he just dug his grave deeper.

"Can't...can't we just be...acquaintances?" Remus begged, just wanting some peace and time to...to sort everything out. Sirius sneered at him, looking like a prince ready to flog his servant. It was a very effective withering look and Remus found he could no longer speak.

"Acquaintances? It doesn't work like that. You are either with us or against us. It would be different if you were in a different dorm but you're living with us, so we can't just be acquaintances. Besides, you've just proven what I was trying to figure out. You're disgusting!" Sirius snapped looking very angry and very hurt.

Remus didn't understand what he had done that was so wrong!

Surely, Sirius hadn't figured out what he was, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered talking to him. Sirius would have simply killed him instead. He would have "bagged himself a werewolf," like he and James often fantasized. Those two boys' favorite conversational topics seemed to be hunting down magic creatures. Remus felt tears prick at his eyes, and part of him wanted to ask why they couldn't be acquaintances and what he had done wrong. But he just couldn't bring himself to.

"You'll get what's coming to you," Sirius huffed. Then the angry Black stormed out, leaving Remus to break down into sobs in peace.

He cried for a long time, then pretended to study since older students had entered the library. But instead of actually retaining information, he ended up crying some more. At least he was being careful not to let his tears ruin the book he was failing to read.

After some time the infamously strict librarian Ms. Pince ushered him out, correctly assuming he wasn't reading. By that time Remus had composed himself some and gave her a smile, offering his hand to her in polite greeting despite finding her to be terrifying. Of course, the stories he had heard about her eating students with overdue books did not help his fear any. Ms. Pince did not take his hand though. Instead, she stood there stiffly as he was forced to awkwardly leave the library as quick as he inconspicuously could, hoping she wouldn't decide to eat him. He found himself glancing back only to find her glaring at him suspiciously. It was as if the notion of a first-year boy spending his first day at Hogwarts diligently studying was impossible. With nowhere else to go and feeling bone tired, Remus returned to the common room.

Remus was nervous, downright afraid to go to his dorm room. Instead, he huddled in a corner and watched the fire roar in the fireplace. None of the older students paid him any mind. After a while, the fifth and sixth year Gryffindors retreated to their dorms. At last, Remus was alone.

Finding it possible to relax now, Remus gently unfolded the blanket draped over the couch and pulled it around himself. He leaned back into his glaring gold beanbag chair and drifted off into a restless and stressful sleep.

...

For the next four weeks, Remus did his best to focus on his classes. Obsessing over his course load proved relatively easy as he had no other interests and no friends. Remus was used to loneliness. At least here, he had good food and only had to take care of himself.

But he would be lying if part of him didn't miss home; didn't miss the rare but occasional signs of affection from his father. He still hadn't heard from him, and could only assume that his brief letter to his dad saying he was in Hogwarts and having a good time had done enough to ease his father's worries.

Deep down though Remus knew his father probably hadn't been worried about him at all. In fact, it was he who was very worried about his father. He desperately wished his father would write back and tell him he'd been eating regular meals and going to work. But as hard as Remus wished for one, no such response came.

Remus might have worried himself sick if it wasn't for the constant unpleasant distraction that was Sirius Black. Because they were apparently enemies, this seemed to mean Remus was the recipient of prank, after prank, after prank.

He was increasingly baffled by Sirius who seemed to grow angrier with each apology that Remus gave him. Remus really was doing his best to bring some semblance of peace between them, but it seemed it was too late for that.

So almost four weeks of dung bombs and stink pellets. Four weeks of bugs in his bed and missing shoes. Then there was the fact that Remus refused to use the shower in his dorm after the day blood came out from the showerhead instead of water. That had been one of the worst pranks and had caused him to sob in the shower nearly all day. After that terrible instance, Remus showered somewhere else or not at all.

Remus also had a storm cloud following him that had luckily run out before he needed to leave for class. Of course, classes had already begun to get increasingly harder. This proved a particular challenge for Remus, as his books and homework went missing and reappeared randomly, if at all.

Remus wasn't sure if it was all Sirius' doing or if Peter and James had joined in. He only knew that neither of them stopped Sirius, even when Remus had to miss class because someone had used Leviosa to levitate a bucket of water over his head. That incident had unfortunately resulted in Remus not only being soaked, but also a rather bad headache after the bucket hit his head.

If it wasn't for Lily, Remus would most likely have left Hogwarts, or at least would have attempted to leave the Gryffindor house.

"Honestly, they are so immature. You ought to tell them off Remus, then maybe they'd stop," she chided gently, letting him look off her notes after Remus' had gone missing once more.

"They'll...get bored eventually," he responded wearily, trying to give her a reassuring smile and failing miserably. His roommates' harassment was starting to affect his schoolwork, which seemed to cross an invisible line that had kept Lily at bay.

"Next time I catch them bullying you, I'll say something!"

"Oh Lily, no! Don't do that, it will only make it worse," he begged, feeling both grateful and frustrated with her interference. He just knew if Lily spoke up the retaliation from his dorm mates would become worse.

"I don't care! It's either this or I tell a teacher. It's been almost a month of this nonsense. They need to grow up. You know they've been bullying Sev too. It's unbelievable! Those two think they run the school. We ought to retaliate." Lily went red realizing what she said.

Remus looked at her, shocked. Lily was always so adamant about not breaking rules and avoiding banned or even semi-banned items at all costs.

This practice had earned her quite the reputation as a party pooper. Most of the first years called her 'Fake Prefect' behind her back. Remus felt a great deal of shame rising up in him. Lily was the closest thing to a companionable acquaintance he had, and he hadn't once attempted to defend her.

"Well, nothing terrible just...just ooooo they really annoy me. They apparently humiliated Sev in front of the few friends he's made in Slytherin. He was so upset he was crying to me the other night in our..."

She paused, realizing not for the first time that she had said too much to Remus. The way she paled, then blushed, then grew defiant would have been mildly amusing if Remus hadn't felt guilty about not doing anything to help her.

"You won't tell anyone. Will you, Remus?"

He forced a smile. Lily must have asked him this at least a half a dozen times this week alone. Lily meant well, but when she got worked up there was no such thing as secrets. Luckily other than Severus, it seemed Dorcas and Remus were the only people that allowed her to get worked up.

"Of course not," he assured her, wondering when she would get the picture that he would not be repeating this to anyone. His silence wasn't just because him keeping her secrets was the only way he could be of any use to her. It was also because Remus had no one else to tell secrets too.

"Thank you, Remus. You are such a good friend!"

Her words surprised him. Remus stood up from the table as if Sirius had just enchanted another 'kick me' sign to stick on his back - with an enchanted shoe to do so.

"Remus, are you ok?"

"I...I just remembered I left my homework in the classroom." Remus came up with an excuse wildly. He quickly left, ignoring Lily's hurt and concerned shout; "But it's Saturday!"

He hurried out of the library and went to his very small nook. It was a lovely place perfect for curling up with a book that Remus had found while trying to find a place to hide from Peeves. He was at a loss as to how, but Sirius had convinced the Poltergeist to follow Remus all day long, singing at the top of his lungs as he pelted him with slime balloons. He lifted up the hanging tapestry and huddled behind it, burying his face in his knees, the only way one could fit.

He hadn't expected Lily to come after him and he really hadn't expected Dorcas to come with her. The three of them studied together sometimes, Lily and Remus more often than Dorcas, who preferred to spend her free time outside.

But they weren't friends, not with him...they couldn't be! Remus had done nothing but sit there and listen. Perhaps every so often he had answered Lily's occasional question and assured her that her opinion about class topics or classmates was the right one, but that was all.

"I just saw him a minute ago. Lily, what on earth happened? Was it Black and Potter again?" Dorcas sounded angry and threatening. She cracked her knuckles as if readying for a fight. This both touched Remus and terrified him. If the two of them retaliated for him the pranks would never end.

"I don't know, Dorcas. He looked so upset though. You don't think Potter and Black are beating him or hexing him or something worse, do you? He's always so jumpy..." Lily responded, her voice softer and slower than usual.

"I mean, I know those two are idiots but they aren't that malicious. Are they?"

"I think so! Look at what they did to Sev!"

"Lily, we talked about this. I don't want to hear about that Slytherin. Not after what he said to Marlene! You really shouldn't be friends with him."

"But Dorcas, you don't understand. Sev would never do that! He's so kind, he's just..."

"Misunderstood? He's not, not really. Lily, for someone so smart you can be really stupid," Dorcas said matter-of-factly, and there was a disappointment in her voice that must have quelled whatever argument Lily had been about to use in her defense.

Personally, Remus agreed with Dorcas. He found Severus to be very unpleasant based on the few times Remus had joined them to study. However, Lily truly had nothing but faith in the Slytherin, which made Remus hope that she was right about the moody boy.

"Come on. Let's go back, you can ask him about it later," Dorcas sighed after a few minutes, her tone softener now.

"Fine. I hope he's ok," Lily sniffled. Remus was sure she was near tears because Dorcas hurt her feelings and not out of worry for Remus...pretty sure anyways.

After he deemed it safe to venture from his hideout, Remus spent the rest of the day by himself. At one point he had narrowly escaped detection by Peter and James, then almost ran into Lily a second time while she was walking with Severus.

Remus wanted to skip dinner but he had been skipping so many meals, in fear of public humiliation. He was sure Sirius would have no qualms pranking and embarrassing him in front of the entire school. Only Remus was starting to lose weight as a result.

So he forced himself to go to the Great Hall and face Dorcas and Lily. He contemplated not sitting with them, but that would put him closer to Sirius and the other boys. The first years were piled in the back, all in a rowdy conversation about the only two things they ever seemed to talk about: Quidditch and pranks.

So Remus decided he'd take his chances with a frustrated Dorcas and Lily. After all, he was much more certain they wouldn't spike his pumpkin juice with a candy powder that made one's nose grow every time they spoke. That particular prank had caused nearly the whole Great Hall to laugh at Severus, Gryffindor to lose ten points, and Remus to avoid eating meals with the rest of the school for over a week. He had been extremely afraid he'd be next and he was trying to keep a low profile. Remus doubted his dad would see it that way though.

However, Remus couldn't ignore how hungry he was. And with the full moon on Tuesday night he knew he needed as much food in him as he could manage. Come Tuesday he wouldn't be eating much of anything.

"...hi," he ventured nervously, taking his seat and fiddling with his hands as he waited for the food to appear. It had taken a while to get used to the phenomenon of food magically appearing, but now even Muggle-born Lily didn't react to the sudden feast that appeared before them.

"Where did you go? What was that about?" Lily huffed in that tone of hers that caused most people to see her as nothing but bossy.

"Yeah Remus, it's a real twat move for you to ditch your friends like that?" came a voice Remus did not want to hear. He flinched as Sirius sauntered over to them. The smirking boy ignored the girl's glares and sat next to Remus, nearly knocking him off the bench.

"Sirius, leave him alone!" Dorcas warned, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

"Oh, what gives Dor? Can't two roommates chat for a minute?"

Lily's eyes were blazing with anger but if Sirius noticed he didn't care.

This was bad! Any minute now Lily would send off a spell, and any chance of ending Sirius' harassment would be ruined.

"We can talk," Remus said quickly, shooting the girls a pleading look that did nothing to lessen their glares at Sirius. Although agreeing with Sirius prevented, at least for the moment, an assault. He let Sirius lead him out of the Great Hall, nervous that this time the young Black's mischievous pranks would turn downright malicious. It was entirely possible by talking to Sirius that Remus would end up in the hospital wing.

Sirius clearly noticed Remus' discomfort but he only leaned against a wall and gave him the type of lazy grin that was usually directed at James or Peter.

"Just wanted to let you know that you'll be needing another blanket. You see, the one in your trunk is ruined."

If Remus had been given a choice, he would have rather ended up in the hospital wing covered in boils as Severus had been a few days ago. This was so much worse!

"W...what?" he asked, voice cracking with barely contained emotion. Sirius' lazy grin slipped slightly but was quickly back again and he shrugged.

"What? It's just a dumb wittle blankie for wittle Lupin," he teased in the good-natured tone he used with James and Peter. However, the playful tone sounded anything but friendly to Remus. Remus tightened his fists beside him resisting the urge to scream.

All Remus could think about was that the one thing he had left of his mother was ruined. He pushed away his initial anger, doing everything he could to contain his emotions as he had been taught to do all his life. Instead of lashing out at Sirius as part of him very much wanted to, he felt tears fill his eyes.

"How could you?" he whispered devastated, and then turned around and bolted for the Gryffindor common room. He hardly registered the students he passed or the moving staircase he navigated on autopilot by now. He reached the Fat Lady, glad Sirius hadn't chased after him. Remus focused on biting his inner lip, an unpleasant briny taste developing in his mouth.

"Password?" the Fat Lady asked in her normal posh tone.

"I...I..." Remus choked out. As soon as he opened his mouth his hard effort to keep his emotions in, spilled out onto his face. It took the Fat Lady a moment to notice but once she did she opened the door without making him say the password. Remus thought he caught her trying to ask him what was wrong with a true look of concern on her face but he couldn't bring himself to respond.

He stumbled into the common room and somehow managed to make it up the steps despite not being able to see through his tears. Remus fumbled with the doorknob and fell to the ground. The floor of his dorm room was littered with burnt bits of clothing and the smell of fire lingered unpleasantly in his nostrils. The last of his hopes the quilt would be salvageable turned ashes, much like the remains of what seemed to be all of the contents of his trunk. But it wasn't the majority of the contents of his trunk that concerned Remus but his mum's blanket. He could tell the precious gift from his mum was burnt to nothing due to a single dark blue patch left of the night sky. That singed bit of cloth was all that was left of the intricate quilt his mum had started creating back when Remus was an infant.

"No!" he cried heartbrokenly. Desolate sobs that shook his whole body escaped him as he hunched over scooping up the ashes.

He cried loudly, practically screaming with frustration and pain. It was all he had left of her, now it was gone. It couldn't be gone, it simply couldn't.

This wasn't fair!

What had he done to deserve such cruel treatment? He heard several pairs of feet running up the stairs. He didn't care who it was, he didn't want anyone entering. Not really expecting it to work he glared at the door through his tears and with a wave of his wand said clearly as he could muster.

"Colloportus."

He heard the click of the door lock just as someone jiggled it. He hunched over himself and sobbed out in grief, not realizing how clearly he could still be heard from the hall.