...
Remus spent a long time dwelling in silence on his father's betrayal. Meanwhile, the headmaster busied himself sorting through his tin of lemon drops appearing to be sorting them by size. His thoughts were beginning to spiral into a very dark place when a squawk jolted him out of his trance. Remus glanced at Dumbledore, shocked, and the man smiled at him.
"It seems Fawkes has woken up from her nap," the headmaster pointed out casually as he gestured behind Remus. Turning in his seat, Remus spotted a gorgeous bird about the size of a swan that appeared to be made up of flames! Looking closer, Remus realized the bird's ruffling crimson and gold feathers gave the creature the appearance of being on fire.
Remus stared in awe as the creature tilted its head, regarding him carefully. He could feel some of the tension leave his shoulders as staring at the bird calmed him down some. The timing of the bird's call seemed a little too perfect to be a coincidence, but Remus didn't linger on this. Instead, he just watched the fire-colored feathers move with each tiny breath of the peculiar bird.
As Remus continued to calm down even more he realized Dumbledore was right about Lyall. Remus didn't want to risk his father not wanting him back. Besides, his father had cared for a werewolf all these years. Lyall Lupin deserved a medal, not his son's judgment. Remus felt he had no right to be angry with his father. Especially because if Dumbledore was right, then Lyall Lupin truly thought he had Remus' best interest at heart.
Remus didn't know how long he and Fawks eyed one another in mutual respect. He took in all the details of the bird from the long gold talons to the tail feathers long as a peacock in utter awe. Then Dumbledore cleared his throat, and Remus was forced to turn back and face his headmaster's sad eyes that seemed to pierce his soul.
"Now, about this letter, you wrote," Dumbledore began in a businesslike manner. Remus resisted the urge to squirm in his seat at the mention. Dumbledore held the vile letter up to the light for Remus to see and waved his wand. As soon as the wand passed over Remus' handwriting, the neat recognizable scrawl transformed into a much messier, angrier penmanship.
Remus gasped and felt really stupid. He didn't have enough trust in himself to know he hadn't written the nasty letters! It was a shameful thought, knowing you couldn't trust yourself. But Remus supposed it was better than being too lax. Besides, it made sense Remus didn't trust himself, given the lies he had been told for years.
Remus sighed heavily, feeling overwhelmed. Deep down Remus knew that this revelation should cheer him up and fill him with relief. Instead, he felt tired and weighed down. It didn't help that he hadn't been sleeping well since coming here, and the stress and strain of the past few weeks felt like it was crushing him. He hadn't realized he had hunched over as if there really was a physical weight on his shoulders until Dumbledore cleared his throat, drawing Remus' attention back to him.
"I apologize this went on for so long. I had heard whispers, but I chalked them up to petty roommate squabbles. Recently, Sirius' actions against you have come into the light and I must admit this explains quite a lot," Dumbledore continued as if Remus hadn't just zoned out yet again, easily lost in his many thoughts.
"Who did this, sir?... Professor Dumbledore, sir...?" Remus asked tentatively.
Dumbledore gave him a sad smile, but seemed to think even if he corrected Remus' overuse of manners it wouldn't make a difference at the moment. It was a correct assumption.
"I'm afraid I cannot say. It was an older student, quite advanced with their magic. I suppose Sirius might be able to shed some more light on the subject. Yes, I do believe this has gone on long enough," Dumbledor mused quietly, seeming to be talking more to himself than Remus now.
He watched nervously as Dumbledore stood up and walked over to one of the portraits that had survived the headmasters turning around of certain pictures. The rectangular portrait still visible to them was of an elderly witch who had been watching them closely the whole time. Remus noticed that the witch didn't look hostile. The woman in the picture even shot him an encouraging smile. He returned it, though he imagined he did so badly. Luckily. the witch's attention wasn't on him for more than a few seconds. Instead, it was trained on Dumbledore.
"Eupraxia, you know what to do." Dumbledore instructed the portrait so matter-of-factly that Remus would not have been surprised if the headmaster gave instruction to the different witches and wizards on his wall.
"Yes, of course, Albus," Eupraxia replied automatically, her voice calm yet brisk,
Then she vanished!
"Sir, where did she go?" Remus was astonished. He was aware that his knowledge of magic was limited. So even though he logically knew portraits could move, watching one simply disappear was something else entirely.
Dumbledore chuckled and sat back at his desk, eyes crinkling with amusement as he persistently offered Remus a toffee. Unsure if it was wise to refuse the headmaster a second time, especially because once more Dumbledore was treating him with more kindness than he deserved, Remus popped it in his mouth.
He found he quite enjoyed the toffee, though he remained firm on the belief the chocolate Madam Pomfrey had offered him was far superior. Remus listened as Dumbledore explained the long list of rules associated with magic portraits. It wasn't until he had finished that Remus realized the Headmaster had been attempting to distract him and further calm him down. Even more of a surprise was that it had worked!
"Quite interesting, is it not?" Dumbledore concluded with a small smile.
"Yes sir, I...um, thank you," Remus stammered feeling very nervous. Why was he still here? Was he allowed to leave yet or would it be rude?
Dumbledore chuckled so hard the glasses on his nose became even more crooked.
"I should thank you. Most students would find my passion for the arts quite dull, I'm afraid. They much prefer I stick to discussing sweets which I oblige, as it's another of my passions. Quite a guilty one I'm afraid." Dumbledore winked then he chuckled again, quieter this time but still with so much sincerity Remus found himself smiling along. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with what seemed to be his standard amount of mischievousness.
"Ah, they are here," the headmaster commented, standing up from his chair that Remus now realized had rotating symbols on it. But despite Remus trying hard to decipher the symbols, he couldn't quite make them out.
Dumbledore smiled at Remus, as if finding his attempts to unlock some of the mystery of the no doubt extensive and powerful magic all throughout the headmaster's office, adorable. Dumbledore then left his desk to go greet the visitors, and the tension and stress that had left Remus came rushing back. Now he understood what this was about! Remus sat rigidly in his chair and quickly used the handkerchief to properly wipe his eyes and nose. He really hoped he didn't look too pathetic.
"Thank you, Professor McGonagall, for escorting them here," Dumbledore addressed the Gryffindor head of house pleasantly.
"Of course. Let me know if I need to be docking points." McGonagall replied in her usual stern tone. She sounded quite upset at having to drag several of her Gryffindors to the headmaster's office, but Dumbledore just chuckled.
"No need for that, Minerva. Though I'm sure with their antics it's only a matter of time," Dumbledore pointed out, highly amused.
"Indeed," McGonagall sighed, but she actually sounded begrudgingly amused herself.
"Oh yes Professor, we won't make you wait long," Sirius said in his best mock good-boy voice.
"One can only dream, Black," their head of house replied curtly. Sirius' tense-sounding laugh was followed by the sound of the fading click-clack McGonagall's heels on the marble floor as she left.
"Professor, you have a pretty neat office," James said with his usual casual air of authority that Remus quite envied him for.
Remus realized soon James and Sirius would be able to see him. Remus had to resist the urge to hide behind Dumbledore's desk as a result.
"A...are we in trouble?" asked Peter timidly. They were all here? Remus felt a deep sense of dread as he turned around in his chair to face them. Three against one was hardly fair. Of course, Dumbledore was on Remus' side too. At least Remus was pretty sure the headmaster would defend him from his roommates. This wouldn't be like the strange trial James had orchestrated to condemn Remus a mere few hours earlier.
"What is HE doing here?" asked Sirius suddenly, voice dripping with anger that Remus swore he could feel was covering him like a suffocating bubble that was making it hard to breathe.
"Well, Mr. Black, would you prefer I not address the problem that has occurred in my school?" Dumbledore asked, somehow still managing to sound amused. Remus recognized that there also seemed to be a subtle reminder of the headmaster's authority in Dumbledore's question. This was probably wise of Dumbledore since James and Sirius were notorious for disrespecting those in power. However, surely even they would think twice about disrespecting the headmaster!
"Are you expelling him, then?" Sirius asked hopefully, but his tone had softened slightly into a more respectful one.
"Professor Dumbledore, with respect, isn't that a bit much?" James asked, sounding uncomfortable.
"I thought that is what you three wanted?" Dumbledore questioned calmly.
Remus shifted away from them slightly, trying to get a look at them through the corner of his eye. He flinched when he realized Sirius was glaring at him with unmistakable hatred. Then Dumbledore, whose back was to Remus, shifted slightly, blocking Remus from Sirius' view.
"Well...it's just..." James sounded hesitant and Remus wondered if his confident friend actually found Dumbledore intimidating too.
"Go on Mr. Potter, feel free to speak your mind here. Within reason, of course." Dumbledore added wryly.
"It just doesn't make sense, Dumbledore. I mean I've reviewed the facts as my father told me to." James spoke up sounding puzzled
"Fleamont is a wise man." Dumbledore pointed out with a smile.
Remus could no longer see Sirius but he could now see James, whose attention was on the headmaster, and who puffed up slightly at the compliment to his father.
"I mean for starters Remus doesn't seem like the type..." James began, sounding once more as if he was looking at the situation like it was a particularly hard charms problem.
"I've told you he's faking," growled Sirius.
"Mr. Black, you will be given your turn to speak. But for now, let us hear Mr. Potter out," Dumbledore responded mildly.
"Plus it's really weird that he would write his name at the bottom. I mean if he really was the criminal mastermind Sirius seems to think he is, why would he write his name? Why not write someone else' to further cause chaos?" James concluded sounding more and more confused as he presented the facts to the headmaster.
"An excellent deduction, Mr. Potter!" The headmaster sounded quite pleased and James puffed up, even more, looking quite proud of himself now.
"Professor, you can't really think he's innocent," came Sirius' pained exclamation. Remus flinched at the distress in the young Black's voice, remembering how terrible what he knew of the letters was. Who would do something like this to Sirius? Who wanted to cause Sirius this much pain?
"I don't think Mr. Black. I know." Dumbledore replied with a finality that left no room for doubt.
Remus watched James sigh in relief and felt a bit better. At least one of Remus' roommates had found the whole thing weird. While James hadn't jumped to Remus' defense, he also seemed to be the only one who paused to consider the possibility Remus might be innocent.
"But..." Sirius attempted to protest in a childish-sounding whine.
"Mr. Black, I think you might want to consider the possibility that your feelings are getting in the way of your better judgment," Dumbledore warned, his tone growing a fraction more cross with the students standing before him.
"I was just going to say he confessed," Sirius pouted, moving slightly so that Remus could now see the young Black was crossing his arms around his chest, a rather defiant glint in his hard grey eyes.
"We sort of forced him to..." James pointed out and frowned as Sirius moved out of Remus' view once more. Most likely, James had received one of Sirius' withering looks.
"Mr. Black, consider if you were cornered by several of your classmates you didn't know very well, and they were quite adamant about your guilt in something." Dumbledore attempted to reason with the angry young Black.
"I'd defend myself!" Sirius replied indignantly as if anyone with half a brain would have.
"Even if there was evidence? Even if stating your innocence didn't seem to help?" Dumbledore prompted.
This seemed to make Sirius pause. This time it was Dumbledore who shifted, and Remus could see Sirius again. Now Sirius' undivided attention was on the headmaster and the boy just looked confused now, and perhaps a little nervous.
"Then who did it?" His confusion was replaced by triumph as he gave what he seemed to think was enough logic to condemn Remus.
"I have examined one of the letters and have found a very powerful illusionment charm." Dumbledore was speaking very gently now, clearly knowing something Remus did not.
"But..." Then something seemed to click, and Sirius went deathly pale. It was quite frightening due to the contrast of his eyes blazing with fury.
"That bi..." Sirius began in an angry shout.
"Language, Mr. Black. While I understand you're angry, I must point out that it is not your job to deliver consequences, but mine. Do you understand?" Dumbledore's voice had gotten quite sharp, the warning clear. Sirius seemed to cower inwardly and stared at the floor in a true Remus fashion.
"I thought..." Sirius began scuffing the top of his shoe on the headmaster's floor, looking suddenly extremely sheepish. Remus had never seen Sirius look so unsure before, so guilty.
"I know what you thought, Mr. Black. It is precisely for this reason that impressionable young minds jump to conclusions and are driven by emotion, that we don't allow students to take justice into their own hands. As I'm sure you have realized, such justice can often turn out to be misguided." The headmaster didn't seem to sound angry or disappointed, but Sirius flinched as if he had.
Remus felt bad. He was wholeheartedly willing to forgive, Sirius and he didn't think Dumbledore needed to bring up his actions. After all, Sirius seemed to realize he was wrong. Besides, if Dumbledore kept stressing his point Sirius might come to the conclusion that Remus had snitched. Which Remus never would have dreamed of, however that left an unanswered question. How had the headmaster even known about the letters?
"I'm sorry, Professor Dumbledore." Sirius was still very pale and his head was still bent, but Remus didn't need to see his face to hear how sincere he was.
"I am not who you should apologize to. However, I will leave you to do that later. I must ask you to leave me to speak with Mr. Lupin, alone. I trust that there will be no consequences delivered by your hand to the student who did this. Leave that up to me. Otherwise, I will be forced to deliver consequences of my own. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Professor," Sirius mumbled.
"Good, then we can put this whole matter behind us. Lemon drop?" It truly did sound like the headmaster had forgiven everything, and he ushered the three boys out with nothing but smiles and a jolly temperament.
So why was Remus so afraid that once the boys left, he'd be screamed at?
Remus couldn't imagine Dumbledore raising his voice to him any more than he had done to scold Sirius. But for a second there was a terrifying thought that crossed Remus' mind of the headmaster throwing one of the many in-range multi-angled objects at Remus for bothering him. Remus immediately felt guilty for such a thought. After all, the headmaster had been nothing but kind to him and he truly had Remus' loyalty. Only, Remus just couldn't quite stop the tiny part of him that saw the shadow man in every adult. Remus could not remember the face of the monster that had ruined his life, so was it really so impossible to fear any adult he came in contact with could in fact be the shadow man? Only there was no way that the shadow man was Dumbledore, or any of the professors at Hogwarts. Right?
If Dumbledore had any inkling of Remus' hurtful and traitorous thoughts, he gave no sign. Remus still wasn't entirely convinced the headmaster couldn't read his mind, but he also had a significant amount of doubt the headmaster could.
"Now, before I send you to three guilty and apologetic boys, I wanted to make sure you were still comfortable sharing a dorm with them. I could make an exception and move you to the other dorm if you would like."
If Dumbledore had asked him this a few days ago, or even on day one, Remus wouldn't have hesitated to take him up on the offer.
However, if he had been in Sirus' shoes and Sirius left the dorm because of him he'd never forgive himself. Remus didn't want to bring that amount of self-loathing upon anyone. Besides, he reasoned that after this whole fiasco his three roommates would leave him alone. For all he knew, the four boys in the other dorm would be no better and could in fact be worse than his three current roommates.
"I think...I think I will have to decline your offer, sir," Remus explained, sounding more confident in the decision than he was.
The older wizard seemed quite pleased by this, and stroked his beard looking thoughtful.
"Then you can be on your way. But first, may I leave you with a bit of wisdom?"
Remus nodded, the possibilities of wisdom Dumbledore could depart endless.
"The only thing holding you back from making friends is yourself," Dumbledore pointed out with finality.
Remus almost wanted to argue. However, Remus knew what a dismissal was when he heard one. So he nodded to the headmaster as if it made sense to him and left the headmaster's office a great deal more confused than he had been when he had entered.
"Remus?" Came James' voice from behind Remus as he absentmindedly made his way down the stairs and through the hall.
Remus let out a strangled shout of surprise and fear quickly turning around. Sirius, James, and Peter were all standing there looking expectant. Though what they were expecting from him Remus wasn't sure. He had certainly not been expecting any one of his roommates to wait for him, let alone all three. Normally, Remus tried to hide his discomfort with them as best as he could, but they had caught him off guard and Remus knew he looked as cornered as he felt. At least this time he could run if he needed to.
Besides, if any of his roommates questioned him for looking so uneasy Remus could easily blame his fear of them on their harassment. They all looked ashamed, but no one more so than Sirius who looked like he might be sick. The young Black looked quite lost and pitiful. Poor Sirius kept opening and closing his mouth resembling quite accurately a goldfish. It made sense to Remus why it had been James who had called out to him as he began to walk away. Out of all of them, James seemed to have some sort of innate sense that kept him at least outwardly calm, no matter what was going on. Remus wished he could be more like that.
Remus stood there awkwardly. He tried to give them a sort of friendly smile to signal he wasn't mad, because he really wasn't. Well, he might be hurt, but Remus couldn't really blame any of them for suspecting him. Instead, Remus found his frustration building for whoever had actually written the awful letters. What had the point of them even been?
"So...um...sorry about...well, all of that. I can't...I mean...are we sorted?" James asked, sounding more nervous than he looked.
They were all choking on the atmosphere between the four of them. Remus wondered if he should have switched rooms just to spare them all from this for the rest of their school years. Remus nodded, a little uncertainly, but it seemed to cheer up James and Peter at least.
James thumped Sirius' back who was still hunched over slightly in a similar fashion to what Remus must have looked like in Dumbledore's office.
"Sirius, it's alright," Remus assured the boy who still had not spoken a word. Of course, Sirius was sorry, so Remus didn't see any need for Sirius to come right out and say it. Besides, Remus was not able to bear seeing such guilt on the boy's downturned face. Remus would much rather his roommates be filled with boyish excitement and wonder that simultaneously filled Remus with jealousy and awe. Better that then the tension that Remus was certain would never fade away. James gave Sirius another encouraging nudge, causing the stopped boy to stumble slightly. Remus expected Sirius to look up, nod, and walk away with James and Peter who would then give Remus the space he needed.
However, Sirius Black was much more unpredictable than that. Remus expected his roommate to be comforted by Remus' assurance things were okay, whether Sirius acknowledged it or not. Instead, Remus found himself flinching as Sirius glared at him, wondering what he had done wrong now! Perhaps, the glare was not quite as harsh as Sirius usually shot at Remus. In fact, there appeared to be a great deal more pain in Sirius' mercury eyes, but it was a glare all the same.
"No, it's not! How could you say that?" Sirius demanded, his naturally haughty tone slipping through and making Remus feel very small. Remus honestly didn't know how to respond nor how to act.
What more did Sirius want from him? Why couldn't they just get along decently?
It was a relief to know he wasn't the only one baffled by Sirius, that Remus hadn't in fact missed some sort of secret rule again.
"Down boy! Why are you still so angry?" James asked in that usually successful appeasing tone of his. James even flashed Sirius a hesitant but charming smile for good measure. But Sirius wasn't going to be appeased it seemed. Instead, the angry boy brushed James off and took a step towards Remus.
Sirius' eyes were narrowed and calculating. Though his moving closer wasn't threatening, Remus couldn't help but flinch and step back warily. More than a little distracted now with fear, Remus couldn't have possibly noticed until later running through the scenario over and over in his head, that Sirius at the time had seemed to be looking for something in him. At the moment all Remus knew was that Sirius was angry and raising his hand which meant one thing! Unconsciously, Remus shielded his face and closed his eyes.
"Easy there mate, we aren't going to hurt you. Right?" James' question directed to Sirius had a sharp edge to it, warning Sirius he better not. Instead of hitting him though, Sirius just lightly grabbed Remus' arm, and this new expression on his roommate's face was worse than the last. Sirius' whole face was crumpled and had softened into such an intense sadness that it was disconcerting. But once again, Remus was the only one who could see the boy's expression. James and Peter behind Sirius stood watching him with confusion, as if they couldn't quite figure out if Sirius was messing around or not.
"No, we aren't going to hurt you. Hey, James, kindly piss off, I want to talk to Remus alone." Sirius stated in a tone that made it very clear he expected to get what he wanted.
It shouldn't have been a surprise that James seemed to instinctively believe Sirius, but Remus was still upset. Remus really didn't like being alone with Sirius, and he wasn't sure what to make of the sadness that was being directed at him by the boy. Remus ducked his head so he wouldn't have to see his roommate's face. He heard James whisper 'behave' to Sirius, then before Remus could consider if he should ask James to stay, the other two of his roommates were leaving him alone... with Sirius.
"I'm sorry," Remus stammered habitually wanting to avoid a beating. Remus didn't have the foggiest notion of what he had done wrong, but it must have been something!
"Geez, Remus you...you...why are YOU apologizing?" Sirius asked aghast, seemingly distracted from what he had previously been about to say. Remus didn't know what to say so he remained silent, relaxing some when he was finally released.
"I mean I'm the one...I...did...I should have...gosh, I thought you deserved it. I'm...well you know...about...about it all...I'm really...really...sor...you know..."
Sirius sounded so awkward! However, Remus wouldn't dare hold it against Sirius if the boy ever apologized. An attempted apology was a lot more than Remus had been expecting. Even if the words were too hard to get out, Sirius' remorse was very clear.
"I know. It's ok. Really." Remus insisted, slowly taking a step back. He did not trust Sirius and even if the boy was sorry it did not change the fact Remus did not want to be around him.
"But that's the thing it's NOT!" Sirius' words had gotten louder but it wasn't really anger that drove the change, rather something else Remus couldn't place.
"I...I don't understand...you apologized...it's over with. So... isn't it fine?" Remus questioned, beginning to think Sirius was purposefully messing with him. Remus wished he wasn't at such a loss with Sirius. Normally it was easy to figure out what his classmates wanted from him. Typically, it was to piss off which Remus had no problem doing. Every instinct in Remus that he still had not learned to listen to was telling him that Sirius wanted something very specific from him.
Remus wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or shout at how maddeningly confusing Sirius Black kept proving to be.