Chapter Twenty-Two: Whispered Conversations and Half-Truths

"Go ahead, Mr. Black." It was a weird thing to notice at the moment but Sirius realized his relative's portrait was covered, and that more than anything made him realize Dumbledore could be trusted.

"Sir I'm worried that Remus...that he may….." He hadn't expected it to be so hard to say. Sirius felt nervous, he had to be careful otherwise Dumbledore may suspect his own lack of safety at home. He couldn't have that, it would only make things worse.

But what if this would make things worse for Remus? He felt so much turmoil and stress that he felt himself lose his battle with his tears. He ducked his head shame filling him, he was a Black, Blacks did Not cry like this.

"Sirius is there something you'd like to tell me?" Dumbledore's voice was much softer than moments before and for some reason, this made Sirius cry even more. He balled his fists until he felt blood prick where his nails dug into his skin.

"No, sir."

"Mr. Black I hope you know that the adults here all want the best for their students and are committed to helping them inside the school...and out." Sirius wanted to shout like his uncle taught him to. But that would be rather out of place here and no doubt counterproductive.

"I know sir but I just want to talk about Remus."

"But of course. What else did you think I meant? Do you know someone else's welfare the professors should be concerned about?" Sirius flinched realizing he had nearly given himself away, how had he messed up that bad? He took a deep breath forcing himself to focus.

"No, sir. I think Remus may be having...a hard time at home."

"Has he said anything to you?"

"Not exactly but….."

"What makes you think he does?"

"Everything."

"It seems neither Miss. Evans nor Mr. Potter have come to that conclusion. Why have you?" Sirius could tell Dumbledore suspected what he would give anything for him not to. He knew that the headmaster's soft tone was an attempt to trip him up into letting something slip again. But he was a Black and Blacks weren't bested, nor did they air their families dirty laundry. He might hate his family but he had too much pride to sell them out.

"They haven't talked to him as much I have Professor." He ducked his head feeling Dumbledore's sharp eyes on him. He held his breath waiting for Dumbledore to ask him if he suspected such things from experience.

"Very well. Mr. Black, I assure you that Remus is in no immediate danger from his family." Sighed the professor suddenly sounding very tired. Was he lying? Sirius couldn't tell if he was or if he was disappointed Sirius didn't say more to him.

"Thank you, professor. I think I should go now."

"Mr. Black?"

"Yes Professor?"

"I want you to know that you may come to talk to me whenever you wish to."

"I know Professor."

"Also please don't push Mr. Lupin away. He needs your friendship as much as you need his." Sirius didn't think too much into what that meant. He nodded thanking the professor and sort of meaning it before he left, suddenly the office feeling distinctively too small.

He took off at a run once he realized James and Lily hadn't waited for him. He was furious and hurt before he realized where they would be and let out a dry laugh changing directions. As he was rushing to find them he stopped dead in his tracks realizing what he had missed in Dumbledore's office. He had been so worried Dumbledore would realize his own family situation that he hadn't stopped to ponder Dumbledore's word choice. He had said Remus wasn't in any immediate danger!

That wasn't really an answer and it sure didn't do much to console Sirius' worries. Still, he had to focus on the immediate problem, because something was a problem with Remus while he was at school. And Sirius knew they were all on the same page with wanting to figure out what that something was. Sure enough, Lily and James were huddled over a large ancient looking text. Both of them were whispering, bonded over concern of Remus which allowed them to be civil to each other for once.

Sirius wondered what Remus would think if he could see this. Perhaps he'd be glad they were getting along but Sirius didn't think so, not over this. Poor kid would probably be terrified because he didn't want them to know whatever it was, there was no mistaking that. But why? What was worse than the abuse that Sirius had already correctly figured out?

"What are you two up to?"

"Geez mate don't sneak up on us like that! Thought you were a professor."

"So?"

"So we have a restricted book."

"Shhh" hissed Lily looking around nervously. "I didn't steal it. Severus had it and I'm borrowing it from him."

"I'd be more impressed if you had stolen it." He replied dryly sitting on the other side of James and trying to look at what they were reading.

"Snivellus has this book?" James asked irritated.

"Oh do shut up Potter. Leave him alone or...or…"

"Or what?" James dared, apparently their civility only lasted so long for Remus. Normally Sirius would be all for the animosity between them, especially because James was right to be upset over Snivellus having a dark magic book. But he needed them to focus, he needed them to get at the bottom of this.

"Focus children. Why are we looking at a dark magic book?"

"Shhhh!"

"Shhhhh"

"See you guys can agree on something." Sirius taunted, taking their surprise and horror at agreeing on something to snatch the book away.

"Give that back." Lily hissed snatching it back. Sirius had seen enough to realize they weren't going to get anywhere with this.

"You're looking at curses? You really think he's been cursed?" He asked skeptically and Lily shut the book face red.

"Well, there's not many options are there? Dumbledore said he wasn't being bullied so...it can't be that." She struggled to explain.

"He's a kid! Who in their right mind would curse him?" But once more Sirius felt sick. After all his own family had cursed him before, but those had been minor and temporary. Was Remus' father really that cruel?

"Well, what do you suggest then?" She huffed and Sirius had to admit a book on beginner dark arts was as good as place as any to start searching for whatever it was they both hoped and dread they'd find.

It took hours with nothing being found out for them to call it quits for that day. They agreed to meet over the weekend and on Sunday the, now four of them made up an unlikely group, and could be found pouring over book after book. Even with the fourth pair of eyes courtesy of Peter joining them, they still found nothing and tensions seemed to be running high.

"I think we need more people to help."

"Yeah well, there's no one else who would help." Sirius pointed out bitterly irrationally angry at Remus for being such a loner. Other than the four of them he had only seen the boy talk to teachers, prefects, or occasionally help out random students with a hard charm or spell.

"That's not true. I'm sure Severus would help." Sirius could not believe her! How could someone who was annoyingly bright be so incredibly stupid?

"Absolutely not!" James beat him to answering so Lily cast her glare at him. But Sirius and Peter both made it clear they were in agreement, the former much more boldly and persistently than the later.

"Lily we are not letting him help. He doesn't even like Remus!" James argued, tempers running high with all of them at the end of another day of useless searching.

"Yes, he does! You don't even bother to get to know him you just bully him instead! He and Remus get along fine! We all study together."

"Yeah but that's a lot different than this. Remus is kind to a fault which is why he puts up with Snivellus when most people flee from him." Sirius scoffed shaking his head at his poor roommate who seemed to struggle a great deal at saying no.

"He doesn't just put up with him! They are friends!" Lily shot back her eyes narrowed dangerously. But Sirius was angrier than her, especially at her choice of words. He wanted to point out Remus wasn't even friends with her, but he wasn't that cruel.

"No one in their right mind would be friends with Snivellus." He responses cooly forcing himself not to yell in her purpling face.

"I'm his friend!" He sneered at her with all the Black family haughtiness he could muster.

"My point exactly." He responses cooly. James burst into laughter and Lily collected her books and stormed away fuming. It wasn't till she was gone that Sirius realized he'd destroyed their best asset at researching. He groaned loudly but James and Peter didn't notice both laughing loudly. Sirius decided this was pointless and instead they went outside James and Peter glad to give up researching.

They enchanted leaves and jumped in piles until they were worn out and sweaty. Peter pointed out they had an exam in a few days and since the sun was setting they decided to head to their dorm and study. But that idea went out the window because when they reached their door clambering loudly into their room they realized Remus' bed curtains had been drawn around his bed. Sirius froze and the laughter at James' joke about a centaur died on his and Peter's lips.

Most of the time James took the lead with things or Sirius and him decided together, but both Peter and James looked to Sirius when it came to Remus. He shrugged to show them he had no better solution than them and they all stood awkwardly in the doorway. The silence was growing unbearable when Remus opened the curtains giving them a feeble smile clutching the blanket Sirius had almost destroyed in his arms.

"I hope you guys are planning to study. We have a charms exam on Tuesday." It was such a typical Remus thing to say, to ignore his absence, to focus on studies above all else that Sirius had to stifle a laugh. He fought between frustration and amusement and realized it would be better to lead with the later reminded of Dumbledore's warning not to risk Remus pushing them away.

"Yeah, we were just about to be good little students." Remus' smile grew a fraction wider, though it still looked pitiful and he forced a dubious look onto his sickly pale face.

"I'll believe it when I see it." Peter and James had relaxed some, but they all were at a bit of loss, uncomfortable with how pale and sickly Remus looked. The kid seemed to be struggling to stay seated upright, and he swayed his vision blurring for a moment. He looked dreadful like he usually did after coming back from the hospital wing. How many times had it been now? Three, which was three too many as far as Sirius was concerned.

The silence was growing awkward again and Remus shifted in his typical nervous manner, no doubt fearing their suspicion as much as Sirius feared for his friend.

"I solemnly swear it!" He responded dramatically holding up his hand as if his life depended on studying. It had the intended effect, Remus looked relieved and James and Peter snapped out of the uncomfortable air that had surrounded them all.

"Merlin's Beard. Whatever have you done with Sirius?" James exclaimed loudly adding to the lighthearted atmosphere they all desperately wanted to keep. Sirius elbowed him in response and they tussled their way over to Sirius' bed all piling on it and cracking open their books. Remus studied with them as long as he could but it seemed an invisible force was sapping all the life out of him.

After an hour he had succumbed to lounging against the headboard and a half an hour after that had to lay down. They all seemed to be done studying and Remus, it seemed, could hardly keep his eyes open.

"Alright Remus answer one question and we will all go to bed alright?" James asked, having done this several nights. Sirius thought it was brilliant if only James would ask better questions than useless ones like "what was the score on your last exam." However, he couldn't argue that the easy and issueless questions had lulled Remus into acceptance for he agreed without hesitation. Sirius could tell by the way James sat a little straighter that tonight's question would be different.

"What happened this weekend?" There was a very long pause in which they all thought Remus, who had closed his eyes, was simply feigning or had actually fallen asleep. Then he opened his eyes gazing down at the rather small blanket he had been holding onto all night. He seemed to be weighing his options carefully.

Then his shoulders sagged like he had given in, or he was pretending to. Sirius wasn't sure what to expect from Remus most of the time, but it was usually safe to assume it wouldn't be the truth.

"I was home." It was Sirius' turn to sit straight, he felt like he had just been electrocuted. Remus was avoiding his eyes and Sirius was glad he hadn't eaten much dinner for once again he felt sick.

"Home?" Peter prompted curiously. Remus hadn't said one word about his family up until now.

"Back to my house. I…...I have permission. My mother she…." He took a deep breath and gripped the blanket tighter, when he spoke again his voice was so soft Sirius almost missed what he said.

"She's…..she's dying."

"Bloody hell."

"Blimey." Both Peter and James exclaimed unsure what to say. There had been a few strange muggle disappearances lately but none of them knew anyone who had lost, or would soon lose, a parent.

Sirius didn't know what to say either but for a different reason than James and Peter. He felt bad Remus' mom was dying sure, but he knew what going home meant whereas the other two were luckily oblivious. He found himself scanning Remus as if he'd actually be able to see the bruises.

"Can we go to bed now?" Remus dared to ask after a long tense silence.

"Oh uh yeah of course. Sorry about your mom mate."

"Yeah, that's dreadful. If you ever want to talk about it or anything…" Peter concluded and the two uncomfortable boys left with solemn goodnights. Remus looked guilty and Sirius could only begin to understand why. He was pretty sure part of it was precisely because the kid had made them uncomfortable and upset which seemed for Remus to be unacceptable for anyone who wasn't him.

Sirius' own guilt had increased too as he finally realized the significance and cruelty of the blanket prank. But he didn't let this stop him from elbowing his way into Remus' bed once James "noxed" the candle. He felt Remus tense up and heard the soft exclamation of pain escape the kid.

"We need to talk." He whispered, unable to keep the urgency out of his voice.

"In the morning Sirius. Please." He was tempted to agree but Remus' bad habit of hiding from him made him realizing waiting wasn't an option.

"No now. Don't worry James and Peter can't hear us. Just whisper alright?"

"Sirius….."

"I mean it, Remus." He felt the weary boy next to him deflate with defeat and he sat up so that Remus would feel more comfortable.

"It's fine. My dad isn't around much. Can we drop it please?"

"No. Not if you are going to make it a habit of going back."

"I'm not. I won't even be going back for Christmas. So please...can you just leave it?"

Sirius was surprised to hear this. Surely Remus would go back home if his father really wasn't there a lot and his mother was dying what was stopping him? It seemed awfully suspicious. Sirius carefully reached for Remus' hand hoping this would convince him that he was in no way judging him.

"Why aren't you going back?"

"It's…...too much trouble. Money is tight...and with my mum's medical bills…..they can't really afford me." He seemed to be telling the truth, Sirius could hear the shame in his voice. Hear the reluctance at admitting how tight on money they were.

"If you want to go back, I'll give you the money mate." He offered without thinking, because after buying mounds of candy for everyone and all sorts of prank supplies he was pretty tight on galleons himself. There was another long pause and Sirius could tell Remus was once again struggling to respond.

"No, it's better if I'm not there."

"Doesn't your mother want you there?"

"Yes….but…..it's just better alright." Remus snapped quietly. They both froze as James gave a loud grunt and rolled over on his bed. Sirius knew Remus didn't lose his temper, much, and when he did it was a sure sign to back off.

"Alright." Remus sighed heavily with relief and Sirius couldn't help feeling he had somehow lost. He retreated to his bed none of his questions answered, and if possible even more questions to answer now. Remus Lupin was quite the mystery, and he pondered this mystery until sleep finally claimed him.