I watched Grillby walk into the distance. The allusion was over. I was left with one question. What just happened? I did so many things horribly wrong. I hate myself. I balled up my fist as I started to walk. My nails were finally long enough to cause some pain. I killed myself in front of the only person that remembers resets, you idiot! I felt like I was going to die but I couldn't escape the feeling through death.
I began to stomp on the floor with every step. I told Grillby about a fight that didn't exist anymore! I broke the rules again. I don't know Grillby or Papyrus so one more slip up and I'll be alone. For the first time, I admitted that I cut. On top of that, he was so nice about it. Grillby stayed and didn't lecture me. That's not what normal people do. I don't deserve someone like that.
I don't deserve anyone! I stopped in my tracks. Maybe if I kill myself I'll come back before I did this. I'll get another chance or if I'm lucky I'll finally be dead. I know Grillby said to call him. But that's just an empty lie and either way I'd just bring him down. It's not like I'm hurting anyone else.
My hand went into my pocket. I grabbed the bone and examined it. The sharp tip of the bone had some dry blood on it. I had my hand firmly on my tool. I faced it to my wrist. Now all I have to do is move it. I felt myself calm down. One, two, three, go. But I didn't move it. For some reason, I was scared to end it all. I was chickening out. I've never felt like that before. What's wrong with me? I don't deserve to live.
It's so easy. All I have to do is move my hand and it will all be over. Just think of it like... Taking a shot! I'll feel better after. I pressed the knife-like bone against my wrist and made a broad stroke. I began to gush out blood but I was still alive. It hurt like hell. Like I struck a million nerves. I felt like I was going to cry. No no, I've done this before. I got this, maybe I'll just speed up the process. I continued to make cuts until the pain went away.
I was dead again. I wasn't sure if I died from the lack of blood or my H.P. going to zero. It was silent for a while until I heard that kid speak again. I was sadly brought back.
"Ok, you're right. I bet Sans has my place in shambles by now. Call me again if that happens again or if you want to cut. I know you probably don't wanna stop but give me a chance. Well, see you later. Good luck in Waterfall." I was brought back right before Grillby leaves. Thanks a lot, Chara! I plastered a smile on my face to not reveal anything. I need a drink.
"Can I go with you to get a drink?" I said with optimism. This is good. I'm trying to stop bad thoughts. I'm copying correctly, right?
"I'm sorry princess I only let you drink because Sans told me to. Even then it didn't seem like a good idea. But I'll let you have my family recipe molten chocolate cake." He sounded like he was trying to sway me. I'd like to go but keeping up this act would get draining. Only if I could drink.
"I'm sorry. No booze no cruz. See ya later ma'am." I said joyfully despite how mad I was at Chara and I. Giving Grillby a salute I left. If I have the power to play God shouldn't I choose when I come back? Why did Chara choose me? No, wait, how is Chara a self-harming, suicidal, maniac have determination? Even then at least they could die and they even died on their own terms. Is this some messed up way that they got to die? If I find someone to pass on my determination could I truly die?
I was snapped out of this spiral when I heard my phone ring. When I flipped open my phone it said Papyrus. I guess Grillby put Papyrus' number in last night. I kept on my smile as if he could see me. Maybe I could pass it onto him.
"Hiya Papyrus! What's up?" I said bringing the enthusiasm of the fabulous Frisk.
" What's up?' I don't understand we're underground. Nevermind that! So… What are you wearing?" Ugh, why did I say what's up I'm such a moron! I forgot he saw through me last time. He's going to be so mad if he finds out. Screw up, it's too late now. I pulled up my hood and cringed.
"I'm wearing the jacket you let me borrow, silly. Why do ya wanna know?" I tried to keep up my act. It would be weirder if I just changed how I acted now.
"I'm asking for a friend. So you are wearing my orange jacket. Got it. Wink wink! Have a nice day!" How is he always at 100? But that's the type of person that would be happy with determination. As I walked into the next room there were so many flowers talking that I had to tune them out. I also saw a few monsters walking by me. I got ready for them to try to fight me. But they didn't even approach me. Is it because I have my face covered? That's weird.
Walking around I wondered what did they think of me? I felt a familiar pit form in my stomach. My mind was filled with what their expectations might be. They might think I look like some amazing selfless monster. Ha, who would think that of me?! But if they do, will they be disappointed if I don't fit that mold? Maybe they think I'm an unemployed drunk with this beer-stained hoodie. I'd be happy being a town drunk. But what if...
I slid down against a wall as I thought of terrifying possibilities. What if they know me as the homewrecker I am. They know that I broke my family with one sentence. Even worse they could think I'm-
"Hey, someone as cute as you shouldn't be alone ;)" I heard a man say suggestively. I tensed up. I always didn't like flattery, especially from strangers. That means they are direct with their expectations. When I looked up I saw a horse's top half and a mermaid's bottom. Like a horse mermaid. "Check me all you want ;)" He's being creepy! I got up quickly. What's my excuse to leave? What did Mom tell me about the underground? Think, think! I gotta be cute about it. Mom told me she was in the capital before her divorce.
"Oh I'm sorry I'm trying to go to the Capital but I got lost." How do cute people talk? I hope I did it right. I tried to keep my head down so he couldn't tell I'm a human.
"Well sweetheart all you have to do is go through…" I'm not worth these pet names. He pushed down the wall next to us! He could do that! "Here and walkthrough Hotland and you'll be there ;)" I looked at him in awe. Then I realized he's been winking the whole time. Will he always wink at the end of his sentence?
"Thank you for your help," I said as I speed walked away. How could anyone think I'm cute? I walked on this wooden dock. I'll never be able to reach anyone's expectations down here. My eye was caught by a shining light. I saw glowing tablets line the walls. I went over to read one. It looked like it was in some other language that I couldn't read. I'm some dumb ass that can't learn anything. I could never learn anything. My brother is so disappointed in me.
As I reached the end of the dock I saw a square. I wonder what this does. I put my foot on the block curiously. It began to move! I jumped over to the block. No why didn't I go onto the shore? I stumbled around as I tried to gain my balance. When I was still I looked at the water and it moved beautifully. I watched the crystal lights dance on the water. Then a thought occurred to me. I should be dead or at least suffering. I don't deserve this after how I talked to Grillby.
I was jolted off the block and was put on yet another dock. But this one was different. I saw no monsters as I explored. It was too quiet and when it's too quiet my thoughts run rampant. You're turning into her, you little alcoholic. Nope, we are not going there.
"Late for dinner. Late again. Late late l- Eek!" I was trying to fill the silence with singing random song lyrics. I was cut off by a spear being thrown at my feet! The glow of the spear was so enticing. I went to touch this glowing spear and it disappeared like it was meant to be a warning. I looked up to see three more spears heading my way! I also saw that knight guy from before lurking behind a pillar. Was it wrong that I wanted to razz my assassin?
"Why are you trying to kill me? Aren't you supposed to be a hero in shining armor here to save this lost girl?" I said teasingly as I struggled to dodge. But it would have been nice if there was a hero like that. Just whisking me away from my problems. I began to run away from his attacks. He stayed silent the whole time. Ooo I could use that.
"Are you one of these strong and silent types? I bet you're thinking that 'I could kill her easily." I said in a ruff voice trying to imitate him. That would be true, I'm so weak Sans could kill me. I stuck out my tongue before running into some tall grass. I was so tired I panted for air. I need to get into shape with all this running. Hearing his armor clank in the grass I was filled with regret.
I shouldn't have made him mad. This is why expectations are bad. Maybe he'll kill me. The clanging got louder and louder then it suddenly stopped! When I looked up I saw his armored hand go down to grab me. I closed my eyes to brace myself. But he never grabbed me. I opened my eyes and I saw that he had grabbed that dinosaur from last night. That dino had a dopey smile on. I remember when I looked like that. In those moments you could forget everything. Luckily Mr. Knight put down the kid and walked away.
I should distance myself from him as fast as possible I thought as I walked out of the grass. I heard a hyper voice coming from behind me. "Yo! Did you see that? Undyne just… Touched me!! I'm never washing my face again!" They were so happy.
"Man you're so lucky! Good for you." I said turning around and putting my hand up for a high five. Then I realized that they didn't have hands. I'm so insensitive. When I started to put down my hand dino hit my hand with the side of their head. They were being nice to me? I thought looking at my hand.
"Don't worry. I'm sure we'll see her again." The person that was trying to kill me was a girl?! How can anyone reach their dreams and make everyone happy? Then they ran off before I could ask them about this new fact. When they were almost out of view they fell face first! I walked over to try to help them get up. But they got up so quickly I didn't make it in time. I'm always too late.
When I walked over to the other room it had a completely different tone. There were monsters around and it was well lit. Maybe I could stay here for a while. Wait why is Sans here? He was standing next to a telescope. Why can't Papyrus or Grillby pop up everywhere? I hope he isn't still mad at me. I don't want Papyrus to worry. But I don't deserve Sans' mercy. I tried to walk by him without being noticed. I made it past him woo!
"Hey wanna try out my new telescope? It's normally 50000G to use this premium scope. But since I know you, you can use it for free." Sans said out of the blue. I was frozen. Ugh, I thought I was home free. I bet Grillby told him about my little scene. I bet Sans told him that it never happened and now Grillby thinks I'm a liar.
"No, I'm good." I said trying to getaway.
"Come on, I paid for last night." My eyes widened and all my worries faded. He could tell Grillby to let me drink! I jumped onto the telescope. I'll be drinking soon! I was expecting to see stars. But when I put my eye to the telescope all I saw was pink. I don't get it. I looked at Sans and tilted my head.
"I only saw pink. Is there something wrong with this telescope?" As I asked him concerned. Sans had a good chuckle before he could answer back.
"You aren't satisfied? Don't worry I'll give you a full refund." So he'll give me more drinks? I put my hand out hoping he'll show me one of his shortcuts.
"Ok let's go to Grillby's!" I said with pure excitement. Sans sighed.
"I'd love to take ya there with your eye-catching look. But Grillby said I gotta stop drinking with ya. Sorry, kiddo."He said, giving me a noogie. Eye-catching look? Was that what he was laughing about? But nothing changed. "Good luck Frisky." My only source of booz cut off! This is why you only talk about the good stuff.
"Thanks a lot. See ya around sometime." So he wasn't mad. But I got cut off. I walked away in defeat. When I was out of earshot of Sans I saw this amazing glowing water.
The water was a neon blue with little lily pads in the water. I walked next to the flowing water. How does it look like that? It's so pretty, I want to know more. I looked on the floor wow, the blades of grass have the same glow I thought as I proceeded forward. There were even little blue particles floating by. So beautiful I love it. My brother Jack would have loved this. I had a small smile on my face as I thought about taking Jack and Suzy here. Maybe if we're lucky we could find Dad too.
"So? Don't you have any wishes to make?" I heard my brother ask. He always asks the same question at the wishing fountains. Then I realized, Jack came here for me!? I turned around with my arms open for a hug. It was one of those flowers that talked on repeat. My jaw dropped. That's right, I don't deserve a happy ending. Why was I so happy when I thought he was here? I want to be dead. I'm a waste of space. I continued to walk around as I reminded myself how trashy I am.
"Hmm, just one, but... It's kind of stupid." I heard a girl's voice say through the flower. It's true any wish I made wasn't worth coming true. I put people through so much pain. I don't deserve joy. If my brother did come he'd be so disappointed. I felt a lump in my throat.
As I walked around I heard my phone ring. It was Papyrus. He must have gotten the wrong number. No one would want to hear from me. I took a deep breath before picking up the phone. " Hiya Papyrus!" I said excitedly to not make him worry.
"Hello human! Remember when I asked you about your clothes?" He sounded so happy. I don't deserve him.
"Yup I remember. I love this jacket." I can't act good and I can't be honest and say my deranged feelings.
"Well, the friend who wanted to know her opinion of you is very murdery. But I bet you knew that already and because you knew that… I told her what you were wearing. My orange jacket! Because I knew of course after such a suspicious question you would obviously change your clothes. You're such a smart cookie." I'm such a failure. He thought I was smart enough. But I could never reach that.
"This way you're safe and I didn't lie! No betrayal anywhere. Being friends with everyone is so easy." Then he hung up. Papyrus is right, I'm not worth a goodbye. I felt like there was a weight on my chest and I knew that no matter what I did it would be there. I looked around and there were monsters everywhere.
Since I can't die, maybe I should cut? It's the only way to stop this feeling. I should call Grillby but what would I say. 'I feel terrible and cutting makes it go away.' or I could say that I deserve it. He'd just think I'm crazy. One cut never hurt anyone. Well except for me. Now all I have to do is find a quiet spot.
I walked around as I wandered into my head. There's no point in trying to stop cutting. It's my body I could do what I want with it. I don't have anyone to check for cuts. So I'm free to self-harm wherever I want! It's not like anybody would care. The weight on my chest felt heavier and heavier. I wanted to cut more and more. You're a screw-up, failure, mistake, you deserve this pain. I grabbed my head and pulled down on my hair. Shut up! I thought about trying to stop these intrusive thoughts. I knew they would just get worse. Loner, unloveable, outcast! I wanted to cry. But only sad people cry and I'm not sad.
I finally found a quiet room. Yes! I pulled my hood off and rubbed my face. Get it together. The room was an empty path with water on both sides. I sighed. This is perfect. With the water, I could clean up too. I leaned against the wall and got ready to make some mistakes.