Chapter Thirty-Five: A Lack of Answers and a Surplus of "Friends"

They found a small oak tree to sit under and Drommie melted the snow so they could sit on the ground without their arses getting wet. There was an awkward pause as neither of them seemed to know what to say.

"I heard about what happened."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Sirius please talk to me. You grew up crying to me don't stop now."

"I shouldn't be sad I mean he's the "wrong kind of friend." Why should I care?"

"You know I don't care about that in the slightest." She huffed. He knew she didn't but he was finding this harder than he thought it would be. Where he had been so close to crying before now he couldn't seem to muster a tear as if his life depended on it and though he wanted to hold his cousin's hand his own wouldn't seem to cooperate.

"We weren't even that close." He pointed out finding pushing her away to be the easiest option.

"Balderdash" Sirius looked at Drommie startled and defensive. It's not like she kept tabs on him that well. She had been too busy with her Hufflepuff boyfriend she shouldn't have.

"How do you know?" He asked angrily. She seemed to realize he wasn't just upset about the situation finally because she glanced around and lowered her voice.

"Is this about Ted?"

"Not everything is about your boyfriend."

"Sirius stop that. I told you I was being careful."

"Balderdash." She gave him a wry unamused smile.

"How do you know?"

"You didn't answer my question." He pointed out knowing he sounded like a pouty kid. But Drommie, unlike Narcissa, didn't look down on him. Realizing she wouldn't nor would she tell, his eyes watered once more.

"Because when you get involved with someone or something you are all in. Plus I've heard about the trouble you get in with your little group. Remus was a part of that. So I know you care about him a lot." The fact that Drommie knew Remus' name broke the last prideful barrier that was keeping Sirius' composure. He burst into tears and Drommie pulled him into a tight hug. It felt really good to have her support and care, he just wished there were more in his family that applied to.

….

Crying his heart out to Drommie helped him marginally and when the others returned he was able to go to class with them and somehow focus on them. In fact, James and he had become very attentive students, it was better to pay attention than to start the whispered conversations they usually did. They would just end up talking about Remus or feeling guilty for not talking about him. Peter, and surprisingly Lily, both couldn't seem to focus on the class at all.

Peter had set his book down and was asleep. Lily had another book hidden behind her book and was scanning through lines of complicated medical texts which such intensity she didn't jump on every question like she usually did.

"Ms. Evans. Would you like to put down your book and join the class?" Professor McGonagall was standing in front of Lily's desk watching her with a serious expression.

"Yes Professor. Sorry."

"Considering you're usual attentiveness I won't dock points this time but next time I won't be so lenient. Also please see me after class." There were scattered mutterings of varying degrees of amusement and even joy.

Lily really was an insufferable know it all and had never been reprimanded by a teacher before. Only Lily's friends weren't teasing her, the rest of the class quite merciless in their snickering and comments. Lily's face went dark red and she nodded to McGonagall with another hurried apology.

After class James seemed more like his old self prompted by him wanting to know what McGonagall would say to Lily.

"Can you imagine if she got detention? Wouldn't that be brilliant."

"No it wouldn't she was researching for Remus you dolt." Sirius never would have imagined defending Lily and even after doing so he still couldn't imagine it. James seemed to feel the same way for he looked absolutely stunned. Peter pointed out if they kept dawdling they would be late for lunch and Sirius lost it.

"Stop thinking about your stomach for more than five minutes bloody hell Pettigrew!" Peter's face went very splotchy and for one bewildered second he thought the boy would punch him. What was wrong with all of them today?

"I wasn't. The Matron said we could visit during meals and after all our classes." He pointed out tersely. Right, everything was on its head today because of Remus.

"Forget what I said, Pettigrew. You're a bloody genius! Let's hurry!" Peter went from looking pissed to pleased. James thumped him on the back in a wordless agreement to what Sirius had said. Then they were all dashing down the halls.

…

Lily joined them in Remus' room about fifteen minutes later. They were eating sandwiches the Matron had brought since they were missing lunch. James was telling some story Sirius was only pretending to listen to. If someone had been listening outside the door they would have thought three friends were just hanging out, only the slightly higher pitch of all of their tones hinted something might be wrong.

Lily sat down and seemed nearly as nervous as Peter whose chair was closer to the door than the bed. James and Sirius had coaxed him to come closer so he could actually see Remus but one glance and Peter had returned to the safety of the chair. It's not like Remus looked gruesome or anything but James had told Sirius to let it be. Lily seemed uncomfortable and opened her book again without so much as acknowledging them.

"Hi to you too."

"Oh sorry. I…..I'm nearly done hang on." So they fell silent watching Lily flip a page and then another because it was better than looking at a too still Remus.

"There. This is the third book I've been through. There's nothing absolutely nothing." She explained in a brave voice though her lip quivered slightly. Sirius stared at the ceiling so as not to cry. He knew there would be no solution, that they couldn't help, but he had listened to Lily and here they were feeling worse than when they began.

"Did you find anything Sirius?"

"What do you think?" He snapped.

"There's no need to be so rude about it." She sniffed. For all of James' irritation towards Lily he had this whole valor thing going, and as such found it necessary to rebuke Sirius for "making" LIly cry.

"Why can't you just say no. This isn't her fault." Sirius felt betrayed but mostly just annoyed and gave James a gesture to explicitly express this.

"I don't need you coming to my defense Potter." Came Lily's rather shrill voice.

"I was trying to help."

"I'm not some sort of helpless damsel in distress."

"I was trying to help."

"Just….just sod off Potter." She snapped and then stormed out. Well, that lasted long.

"I was trying to help." James repeatedly dumbly. Sirius patted his back forgiving his friend for his momentary insanity.

"Don't try to understand girls mate. Take it from me." So they spent the rest of the time ranting about how confusing and annoying girls were. A topic Remus probably wouldn't have enjoyed much but he didn't have much of a choice. Maybe this would wake him from his coma, he'd be so uncomfortable that he would just wake up. That was the hope anyway.

At least it was easier to talk to Remus this way. It felt more like a conversation when they could fill in each other's awkward silences when they occurred. But Sirius soon found that James and Peter weren't comfortable visiting as often as he did. After a few days, they suggested they visit Remus every other day to which he had a few choice words he sent there way.

So he had to visit Remus alone but he kept his promise. He was very upset when he realized he wasn't the only one visiting Remus. A lot of students stopped by feigning friendship to get a glimpse of Remus. Sirius supposed that was partly his and James' fault. Those who previously only knew him as the scapegoat of the letter fiasco now knew Remus as the brave hero who went up against the Slytherins. Sirius had to give James the glory for coming up with such tall tales but they had to come up with something as they kept getting bombarded by questions.

The investigation had uncovered nothing and James was quick to save Remus from becoming some kid who attempted suicide. Besides once Sirius had filled in James, about what he was sure was Snivellus guilt, they both agreed it was the most likely explanation. James and Sirius saw eye to eye on most things concerning Remus except the topics of visiting him and Sirius' insistence no one conducted a proper investigation.

"Why wouldn't they?" James asked impatiently when Sirius had brought up the topic after classes Monday.

"You were gone, James. I'm telling you I didn't see any Ministry official."

"Well, they probably just talked to Dumbledore? Or here's an idea the oh-so brilliant Sirius just didn't notice it." James had responded very sarcastically when the topic first got brought up. It didn't go over very well with Sirius. So they avoided those two topics and things were 'fine' between them and Peter except they were all a little more impatient than usual and it took a little more for them to smile or laugh at things.

But regarding painting Remus as a hero it had truly seemed like a good idea at a time. When Remus woke up he'd never just be the shy student in the background again, which in hindsight would probably be something he hated a lot. On the bright side feuding between the Gryffindors and Slytherins became worse than ever and only stopped once some fed up professors threatened expulsion for the next student caught hexing. Of course, this didn't completely stop the fighting but it limited the ways James and Sirius could take out their anger on certain first-year Slytherin students.

Remus had missed the second great week of stinky Slytherins that would be a legend for all Hogwarts history to come, the first time because he had only been worried about detention to much to appreciate it. Then he also missed the second week of Stinky Slytherins in revenge for what they undoubtedly did to Remus. It seemed fair even though the Slytherins had also suffered greatly due to the swamp, but they'd been too worried about Remus to really enjoy more than the first few days of that legendary prank.

Learning from past mistakes James and Sirius busied themselves with creative revenge that they could cleverly remain blameless in. They had gotten even more creative with their use of dung bombs and stink pellets and had even gotten the morning owls to drop dung bombs on the Slytherins instead of their mail. Of course, it was much easier to remain uncaught when the whole of the Gryffindors took personal offense against Remus' attack, which had become a very convincing story no matter how much the professors tried to convince everyone otherwise. Plus neither James nor Sirius had a hard time keeping a straight face with their friend in a coma.

But it backfired slightly as everyone wanted to see Remus now. I mean the cards, chocolates, and flowers were nice but they came from those who actually cared about Remus. Sirius doubted Remus would believe as many people knew and liked him as there had been. Even Sirius was surprised by those who truly did seem to care.

A good portion were people who cared about people who cared about Rems. Like Frank Longbottom who had sent a nice card, more out of his friendship to Patricia and decency as a Gryffindor, than from any real attachment to Remus. However, most of their year had been helped by him at some point, seemingly insignificant things like lending a quill, which in hindsight seemed to have left an impression.

But the problem was there were also students from Slytherin showing up to mock him and steal his gifts. Sirius had a hard time breaking it to the matron that not all the people who visited had been Remus' friends because she seemed delighted by it. She had been upset when he finally told her, though she didn't say much, and had stopped all but a few select people from seeing Remus after that.

But the week went by, and by Saturday most students had better things to do than gossip about a first year, no matter how brave he had supposedly been. This ticked Sirius off but James had pointed out that Remus wouldn't care and neither should he. Still, Sirius didn't like how few meaningful visits Remus got.

Of course, James visited Remus sometimes but Sirius could tell him and Lily were too uncomfortable with the idea. At least they tried, Peter couldn't even get to Remus' bedside. Sirius had almost set a dung bomb off on him but James had told him to lay off Peter.

"We all grieve differently is what my mum told me." James had explained to him in his typical, "I'm so wise" tone that irritated Sirius to no end.

"There's nothing to grieve!" He had snapped and stormed off to the hospital wing. At least he made a habit of visiting Remus at least once a day, he just hoped he'd be enough. It had been awkward at first and Sirius was sure he'd run out of things to tell the boy but ended up going off on long-winded stories.

He even told Remus more details of his past, hoping maybe he could startle Remus out of his coma that way. Sirius noted that Remus' father never came to visit him which didn't surprise him but pissed him off. What did surprise him though, was that no one, absolutely no one, from Remus' family came? James had tried to convince Sirius that, just like with the investigation, he must have missed Remus' family visiting.

"But it's understandable Sirius. I mean you can't be there twenty-four seven." James had added quickly wanting to avoid another fight, his jaw still sore from last time he had hinted Sirius was crazy about the whole situation. This time James had nearly convinced him he must have missed them while he was forced to attend classes.

So he asked Madame Pomfrey knowing that unlike him she really had been there twenty-four-seven, evidenced by the growing bags under her eyes and her increased irritability. She gave him her usual "none of your business answer" but after a lot more careful weedling and sucking up the sleep-deprived matron finally confessed no one had visited him.

"And I know Dumbledore wrote to them! Just because…." She trailed off stopping herself. Sirius noticed she had been almost letting slip whatever it was about Remus she knew multiple times.

However, he doubted she would actually let anything slip as she was much too good at catching herself and would immediately shut down refusing to give any more away. He realized by saying nothing, pretending he hadn't noticed he could at least keep her talking which usually gave him some information, though not the things he really wanted to know.

So Sirius considered his role a very important one not just someone who visited Remus but the one who could relay to the others what was happening. Like if they were planning on moving him to St. Mungos and that the Matron didn't think they conducted and very good investigation either. This is why he was so outraged that after nearly a week and a half of diligently visiting his friend they just expected him to stop.

"It's not fair! I'm helping him! Yesterday his fingers twitched!" Sirius shouted in protest. McGonagle's expression softened and he scowled, he rather his professor be mad at him than look at him with such pity.

"Mr. Black while you have indeed been helpful towards Mr. Lupin's recovery we are moving him to St. Mungo's upon his father's request."

"No! You can't do that! You can't let his father near him!" He cried panicked. He knew he shouldn't but in his concern, he hurriedly explained his observations to his professor who looked even sadder than previously.

"Mr. Black if Mr. Lupin is being hurt by his father we will intervene." She fixed him with a look he didn't at all like. "We are committed to our students' safety. All of our students' safety." He forced himself to keep eye contact, he wouldn't let her think there was anything to suspect. If she already suspected…, well he wasn't going to give her any reason to suspect even more.

"If that's the case why haven't the ministry come to investigate? It's like they don't even know." He was hoping to catch her off guard and he did. Her eyes widened in a faint flash of panic before she collected herself so quickly Sirius had to convince himself he hadn't imagined it.

"It was a very straightforward case, Mr. Black. A representative was here. While I don't expect you to know all the going on's of this castle I do expect you to leave certain matters to the adults." Her reply was sharp and calm. But he knew he saw momentary panic.

His suspicions increased, even more, there was something off about all of this though he couldn't understand what. Sure the ministry of magic had their hands full with all the muggle deaths lately but that gave them no reason to slack. He figured he had hit the nail on the head when he said the ministry didn't know. He just couldn't figure out why. But he would, he'd get to the bottom of this.

"Can I say goodbye? Really quick?" She regarded him cooly but finally relented.

"Quickly Mr. Black." He nodded and dashed back to Remus' side feeling despair fill him. This wouldn't be the last time he saw him right? The closer he got the harder it was to push back all the questions and thoughts he had trying hard not to acknowledge since this first began.

How had it come to this? To Sirius being bent over the still body of his friend clutching his cold hand. When had things gone so wrong? Sirius squeezed Remus Lupin's hand. He looked more peaceful now than he had ever seen him before with his eyes closed. He would give anything to have his quirky secretive friend back. To be driven mad by Remus' secrets, by his skill at avoiding topics.

He'd never ask another question again if it just meant he could have him back. But he couldn't turn back time so now he had to say goodbye. They'd be coming for him in the morning to take him away and he'd never see his precious friend again.

Thick tears slid down the twelve-year old's cheeks. He hated crying in front of others but that hardly seemed to matter now. How could he not cry when all this was his fault. He'd attempted to deny it but no matter how he looked at it he had to face the fact he had driven Remus to this.

He choked on a sob the weight of guilt unbearable. He knew the others blamed him as much as he blamed himself, they'd never say it but he knew it was true. Even if all the house points were taken away because of him it would do nothing to ease his guilt. He doubted very much nothing ever would. He wished he was back home, wished he was facing a dementor for it was surely what he deserved. Never before in his entire life had Sirius Black hated himself so much.

"I'll find out who did it." He whispered into Remus' ear as if this would somehow bring him back. Remus had often looked like he carried the weight of the world on his too slender shoulders and now Sirius knew what that felt like, now it was his turn. He'd get to the bottom of this or die trying.

He swore he felt his finger twitch again and he grasped his hand tighter. If only he had kept Remus with him. If only he hadn't asked so many questions. If only he had asked more questions. Where had he been going that night? Why hadn't he asked any of them to come with him? He sighed and reluctantly let go of his friend's hand feeling immense guilt over it all. He'd be back, Remus had to come back, right?

"Now I think you best be going. You have a paper on the practical uses of Reparifage." His Head of House reminded him gently and attempted to shoo him from the ward. Professor McGonagall would know, she had assigned them a lot of homework lately. Sirius swore it was to keep them from not looking into things too hard but James believed it was simply because it was the second term now so it made sense there would be more work.

"It's Sunday I can do it later! Can't I stay until they take him away at least!"

"I think not. We wouldn't want you interrogating the St. Mungo's staff now would we?" She shot him a stern look and he knew that she knew that he was still investigating things secretly. That he was not "leaving it to the adults" as he had been warned to do several times.

Of course, he hadn't really gotten anywhere and after a week of asking around, he had only discovered that Remus had gone to see someone before he apparently jumped from a tower. No one knew where he was supposedly going, only that he had told Professor Flitwick who saw him in the halls that he had a meeting and would be sure to be back before it was lights out. It was all very aggravating, but this was even more so.

"I promise I won't say anything!" He attempted, willing to beg to stay by his friend's side, especially if he really wasn't going to return. But he couldn't think like that, he wouldn't. Professor McGonagall wasn't buying his lie, she forced him to leave and he was forced to retreat to his dorms where he explained to Peter and James what had happened

….