Chapter Forty-Two: Memory Madness

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Detention with McGonagall was much less confusing and worrisome than detention with Professor Blatvnik. That being said Remus still did NOT appreciate being there. Even if it was in the company of his dumb roommates, Patricia, and Dorcas who had joined in, last minute.

"Of all the irresponsible….." On and on went the lecture from their reasonably stern Professor. A week from now was the full moon but it could have been tomorrow for how irritated Remus was with all his so-called friends.

A total of fifty points from Gryffindor which put them last in house points, and a week of detentions for all of them. Of course, after detention, Patricia seemed a little put-down but by the time they reached the common room declared proudly it was "so worth it." Dorcas wasn't much better and of course, James and Sirius found the whole thing outrageously funny.

Remus did not, he did not find the public humiliation of one Severus Snape remotely funny, and even less funny was upon entering the common room he was yanked to the side by Lily who seemed irate. True to her word, she wasn't about to ignore Remus again when mad at him, but he almost would have preferred that.

"It got in his eye…stained pink…...unbelievable…irresponsible...Dorcas…..too but I'll deal with her later…...expected better….." He found himself drifting in and out of focus of her stern lecture, quite lectured out by Professor McGonnagal and feeling rather off today.

"Remus, are you even listening?" He almost said no but nodded instead casting his eyes on the floor.

"Lily I'm sorry I didn't…I didn't want to."

"Then why did you? At least Dorcas seems to think Severus is some sort of bad person but you're his friend Remus!" That was the problem wasn't it, why he felt so annoyed at his roommates, why he felt particularly awful about this, Severus really had become a sort of a friend...sort of.

"I don't know...I didn't know…...I wasn't feeling good today and they dragged me into it." It was the truth! During a break from classes and before lunch when the prank had occurred, Remus had gone back to the library and poured through old newspapers from around the time he was found from being kidnapped. He wasn't sure of the exact dates but he knew, vaguely remembered there being a big argument with his father and a ministry official about not posting Remus' picture.

In the end, his father had won and Remus' name hadn't even been released, the picture instead of being him being sole of Greyback. At least that's what he was hoping for. He'd be at a dead-end if the picture was of a wolf.

He had been scanning through paper after paper of that year for weeks, as Remus had forced himself not to get upset and paranoid about it. He still had class and friends and blowing off steam with them which was partly why it was taking so long. Also, he knew he was dragging his feet, more than a little afraid to see the picture, afraid it may make him remember things he tried to forget.

So he wasn't really expecting a different outcome earlier during the day but had found, at last, Greyback's picture.

Of course, his response to Lily that he went along with the prank since he felt off sounded more like an excuse, and it probably was one. Since he being in a fog the rest of the day really didn't excuse what happened to Severus.

"Remus Lupin that's no excuse! Do you even feel sorry?"

"Of course I do."

"You don't sound sincere."

"LIly I really don't feel good…." He shuddered, feeling for hours as if unpleasant memories were trying to claw their way to the surface. Memories that he didn't want to remember, and yet was starting too. Flashes and glimpses of very unpleasant memories. Finally Lily seemed to calm down enough to actually look at him.

"You do look paler than usual." She said softly. "But this better not be an excuse." She finished sharply.

"It's not." He whispered hoarsely. He knew his roommates had abandoned him to his fate so he dared to look up at her face. He could feel the tears in his eyes, and he didn't want to cry in front of Lily anymore than he did anyone else. But he really wasn't feeling good and he didn't think he could brave walking to Madam Pomfrey's alone.

"Remus, what's wrong?" Suddenly any disapproval or frustration vanished and she gazed at Remus with the utmost worry. He was already regretting his decision, it's not like Lily was any less nosy than his roommates. She was just subtler and often more respectful about it.

"Not…..feeling…..good." He struggled to find the words thinking for one instant he wasn't in the common room at all but back in that underground bunker with the shadow ...with Greyback leering at him.

"Come on, I'll take you to Madam Pomfrey's. I want to visit Severus anyways." Remus nodded and flinched as she took his hand. He was only vaguely aware of being led through the halls and of Lily rambling about what classes would be tomorrow, and material she hoped was covered.

"Now that you mentioned it you really did seem out of it during dinner. Not that I was staring, only, well, I was trying to find a good time to give you and Sev and your presents without people around who'd laugh." Remus nodded vaguely his head throbbing.

"Remus you aren't listening…." Lily sighed sounding worried again. All he could manage was to nod weakly, didn't she realize he had to focus really hard on breathing and not crying? Finally, they reached Madam Pomfrey who seemed startled to see them both there. Even more so to see Remus pale and shaky, a good week away from the full moon.

"I assume you are here to see Mr. Severus then right this way Miss Evans. And Mr. Lupin I'll be right with you." They both disappeared momentarily further down the room and Remus swayed dangerously without Lily physically holding him to reality. His breaths became short gasps and by the time Madam Pomfrey came back, she found him on his hands and knees gasping for breath.

"Oh dear. Right, this way dear." She ushered him quickly into his little room, after making sure the drapes had been firmly tugged around Severus' cot. He could hear angry whispers but whether they were actually too quiet to make out, or if he was just so unfocused, he couldn't tell. Madam Pomfrey sat him on his bed checking his temperature.

"You don't have one. Remus, what's wrong? What happened?" She asked calmly, crouching down beside the bed so she could stare into his glazed over eyes fearfully.

"Have you been poisoned?" He shook his head.

"Hexed?" Again he shook his head.

"I heard you and your little friends got into trouble, does it have to do with that." He shook his head.

"A werewolf thing then?" She asked quietly, sounding a bit exasperated now. He hesitated for a moment then shook his head. She seemed to decide she wasn't getting any accurate information this way because she changed course.

"Do you want a tonic?" He nodded and this seemed to make her even more worried. In the almost half a year he had known her he'd never openly agree to a tonic. She often had to coax him into it, and here he actually wanted one. She inhaled sharply and touched his face gently.

"Remus focus on me, dear. A sleeping tonic?" He forced his mouth to open, he wasn't too familiar with all the tonics there were, but he was sure there was something that could help him.

"Greyback…...memories…." He stammered hoarsely only vaguely realizing Madam Pomfrey might not have the slightest clue what that meant. But she seemed to indeed know what he meant for her eyes widened and then she straightened and walked away. Remus vaguely thought she might have decided to finally up and leave him for good but she came quickly with a tonic.

"Here dear drank this. That's a good lad. Every last drop, you know the drill." He wanted to ask her how she knew who Greyback was to him, but he quickly became too tired to fear how much she knew.

She helped him lay down and tucked him in. He felt an immense sense of relief as the pounding headache almost disappeared immediately. He seemed able to breathe again and the memories that kept threatening to poke through seemed to settle down in his head once more.

"I'll get Dumbledore." He heard her whisper but before he could even wonder what Dumbledore had to do with this he was falling asleep.

…

"He has never accepted a tonic so easily, his friends have to sneak it to him, bless their hearts. I gather he's been sleeping terribly by how desperate they initially seemed to get their hands on it. I haven't said anything to them about it but it seems to have worked. I was planning to ask Remus about how he had been sleeping next time he came but you know the stubborn dear, I doubt he would answer me honestly."

"I fear I may have made it worse Poppy. I told him the man who kidnapped him was Greyback."

"I don't see what that has to do with anything?"

"His memories were repressed, Poppy. Because he was so young, his parents decided it was for the best, so he didn't have to face certain truths."

"What truths? Kidnapped? Dumbledore I thought he was bitten by Greyback. Oh, don't tell me it's worse than that!" The usually calm matron cried, her devastation apparent as she paced back and forth in the headmaster's office. Her affection for the boy also plain.

"Poppy I don't know the whole story myself. Only memory suppression is very tricky magic and when Lyall Lupin reached out to me explaining bits and pieces I didn't have the heart to say no. The first time I saw Lupin, he wouldn't even look me in the eyes he was so scared and upset he wouldn't look anyone in the eyes. I wasn't always sure I did the right thing but after seeing him many years later ...well I confess it was probably for the best."

The old headmaster explained patiently, a gleam of guilt and sadness behind the usual twinkling eyes. His affection for the boy was also apparent, for the small child he had visited multiple times before casting advanced and dangerous magic on such a young creature.

"Then it's breaking? Albus the poor boy can't handle anything more!"

"When I cast it Remus was five I predicted it would last ten years."

"But he's not even twelve!"

"I believe our clever student has accessed the database of newspapers and sought out the face behind the name Greyback, that would certainly lessen the effect of the memory suppressant. The recipient of the spell can't be faced with certain reminders and it's bad enough Lupin's monthly transformations are already a constant reminder."

"Can't you reset it?"

"The danger of messing with his memories when he was that young were considerable. Doing so again while he's still so young would end in terrible consequences even despite my skilled application."

"There must be something?" The matron exclaimed, her voice rising in frustration. After all the students who had come and gone from her medical ward, Remus Lupin was indeed a special one.

She had never expected to grow so fond of him, she had actually been quite afraid at first. Having her own biases about werewolves instilled in her growing up she had pictured Remus would be someone completely different. But then she had met the shy polite boy and all those stereotypes had quickly been put to shame.

"I will message Lyal Lupin." A heavy sigh escaped the Headmaster. He had been preoccupied with the murders of muggles all year and the growing hate rising in their country. He could feel there was a war coming, something dreadful coming with as much certainty as he knew one wizard was behind this.

One particularly powerful wizard, a wizard he suspected was a past student of his, a student he discovered at an orphanage, who had unnerved the headmaster even as a small boy. He knew this matter deserved more of his attention though, despite how difficult it was proving to contact Lyall Lupin, a matter he had been trying to do ever since the feral fiasco despite Remus' wishes.

"That man! A fat lot of good that will do" grumbled the matron who did not know Lyal and did not care too. Very angry with the man since he never showed up once at the bedside of his son who had been in a coma.

"He is Remus' father and he is ultimately the one who has a say in this. In the meantime, I cannot cast another memory suppression but I can attempt to repair the old one. Let us go to Remus at once." The matron was forced to walk back to the ward and when she arrived she found Dumbledore straightening up from Remus' bed.

"I have mended the tear. But if Remus keeps digging I will be forced to talk to him."

"Albus, what is it that is so terrible that you can't simply talk to him?"

"It's his father's wishes Poppy and I believe it would better for Remus to focus on his school and friendships. He can face his past when he turns fifteen. And….." The headmaster turned his sad eyes to the peacefully sleeping boy. "And even then it may be too much…."

A heavy silence fell around the headmaster, the matron, and the sleeping boy blissfully oblivious to this all...for now.

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Author's Note: I just wanted to thank everyone who left a review. I can't comment to them if they are left by a guest but I still see them and appreciate them. I love getting feedback and it always brings a smile to my face! Thank you!