Chapter Fifty-Two: Spring Break

After James' birthday on the 27th they only had about a week to go before the break. Most students were absolutely thrilled and the attention spans naturally decreased so that professors were forced to give less work as the day the Hogwarts Express would arrive for them all drew nearer.

Sirius and Remus were not most students and despite their insistence they were fine, all four of them knew they were not. Peter handled it by offering to fetch snacks or whatever they needed at odd, and somewhat inconvenient times. Remus had to remind the anxious boy several times that leaving class to go get pumpkin juice would merely result in trouble. James handled it by asking Sirius and Remus rather insensitive questions about their home life and how they got hurt, trying to wrap his mind around a concept that was clearly foreign to him.

Remus handled it well, he'd like to think so anyway. He remained calm with Peter, though that proved somewhat harder the closer April 3rd got. He was also able to either ignore James' questions, who at least didn't press too much. Or he used the opportunity of James' questions to answer in a way that would lessen his friend's worries, though whether they believed him or not became harder to tell the closer April 3rd got.

Then there was Sirius. Telling their roommates the truth meant that Sirius could be honest with James as to why he had to cut back on the mischief before having to go home.

Of course, James felt terrible about giving Sirius a hard time about this months ago before Christmas break and things were awkward for a bit before going back to normal. ...Well, it would have been normal if it wasn't for Sirius' considerably shortening attention span and patience. What James called 'Spaz Sirius' became more and more consistent the closer spring break got. This either meant he was very irritable or he'd wake them at three in the morning to go explore the castle.

Both Peter and James had tried very hard to be patient and understanding, but unlike Remus, they didn't get it. This meant Sirius' actions were viewed by them not as a boy trying to distract himself from the inevitable but as an annoying twat who was determined to drive them nuts before they all left for home.

While Peter complained to Remus about Sirius it left James and Sirius to argue. The two of them arguing about literally nothing of importance. Remus had actually caught them arguing about socks the other day which had actually caused him to laugh at them, receiving dirty looks for his momentary amusement.

He had hoped at times to lighten the situation but failed everytime and had retreated, finding it increasingly difficult to break up the two's arguments. He realized he'd just have to wait it out because as much as James and Sirius bickered, and Sirius drove James' nuts, Remus knew without a doubt that those two would stay friends no matter what. Well, probably not if one of them were a dark creature, but Remus very much doubted there was more than one dark creature in their friend group.

Needless to say, Remus was almost looking forward to the break just to get away from his friends and so that upon coming back things could return to normal. At the very least so that he wouldn't have to be so exhaustingly patient and understanding with them all, especially Peter who had a hard time being so to James and Sirius.

"I swear they are more touchy than girls." Peter had muttered to Remus as they had retreated to the library to get away from the two.

"I wouldn't let them hear you say that." He cautioned forcing a smile as Peter whipped his head around as if they would have been right behind him.

"I wouldn't dare just ...they can be too much sometimes! They remind me of my two uncles, the twins and how they bickered like that back and forth and back and forth. They leave no room for anyone else in their arguments. I tried to join and they just both bit my head off! Can you believe that? Then, of course, Sirius woke us up at 3 am last night just to play gobstones he's bloody mental!"

"Peter he probably can't sleep."

"Oh…... But that doesn't give him any reason to wake us all up that bloody early! If he wanted our company the least he could do is not be irritable. At least when you were all irritable you didn't seek us out as he does. He's just such a twat!" It had taken everything Remus had not to groan out loud.

It took until three days before the break to convince Sirius just to wake him up at night. But it turned out when it was just Sirius and Remus he often ended up talking about his family so that only lasted one night, a brilliant reprieve for the other two at least. Remus hadn't been sleeping well at all, and despite lying to himself about the break, with it right around the corner he wasn't eating well either.

He wished he could hide out with Lily and Severus. Even Severus, who had been avoiding him since telling Remus he'd explain things to him, even his company would have been preferable. But Remus felt he had to help his friends as much as he could, so he did, or at least tried to, mentally counting down the days until he could stop.

…

By the time they were all on the train home they were all at the ends of their ropes, and the ride was one of heavy and cold silence. Even as other compartments laughed and were jolly, and even as James got invited to sit with the Quidditch team, none of them left. They all stayed together, in a sort of silent solidarity that made the ride back at least somewhat bearable.

"You think I'll still be as popular after the break?" James asked in a poor attempt to end the journey on a positive note as the train pulled into the station. Remus wanted to at least answer 'sure', to assure James who had been enjoying the popularity that apparently comes from being targeted by Slytherins on your birthday, but his mouth had gone very dry and wouldn't move.

"Two weeks…" Sirius repeated for the fifteenth time since the announcement they'd almost be there, his tone that of someone preparing themselves for battle. Remus wished he could feel some determination, but unlike Sirius, there was no hope for him during the break. At least he had successfully convinced his friends there was. So much so, that the majority of concern was currently for Sirius, despite how much he had annoyed them all.

"Only two weeks. That will fly by in no time. We'll see each other soon ok?" They all nodded, Peter and James, having stayed solemn about their exciting perspective breaks out of respect for Sirius and Remus. It made him feel a bit better though to watch Peter and James say their goodbyes and rush off the train into the loving arms of their individual families.

At least he felt better until he spotted his uncle, only his uncle, waiting impatiently on the platform. Up until that point he had clung to the slight chance he would be with his father after all. With this hope gone too, he fell back onto the seat of their compartment and hugged his knees crying into them.

Sirius who hadn't watched James and Peter but instead started packing up and getting ready, paused when he realized Remus wasn't following suit.

"Remus?" His voice was close as he sat down beside him. He was silent for a long while then he put his arm around him.

"Can you point him out to me so I can punch him?" Remus shook his head knowing he was supposed to laugh at the ridiculous suggestion but finding it impossible too.

"You should go, Sirius, you'll get in trouble." He said instead his voice quivering slightly despite how hard he was trying to control it.

"But….."

"I can't leave until you do."

"Why?"

"Because you might do something stupid." There was a long pause in which Remus knew Sirius was trying to come up with something to say but couldn't

"Only two weeks." He finally responded, his voice sounding as shaky as Remus'.

"Only two weeks." When Remus finally calmed down and looked up Sirius was gone. He quickly stood up looking out the window just in time to see Sirius' mother put, what seemed to him to be a threatening hand, on her eldest son's shoulder and disappear in the crowd.

"Only two weeks." He said again picking up on the sort of mantra Sirius had created.

With a heavy heart, he finally exited the train, one of the last to do so. He was surprised to see Severus stalling as much as him, but remembering all the things Lily let slip, realize he shouldn't have been. The Slytherin boy caught him looking but instead of getting mad or defensive like he normally would he nodded his head slightly as if to say 'good luck'.

Remus ought to have been embarrassed, realizing thanks to Bellatrix, Severus now knew, or at least suspected, what Remus' break would be like. But he was too tired to and the lack of judgment or haughtiness in Severus made him nod back in a similar fashion as well. 'Good luck,' he thought to Severus, and he certainly meant it.

…

His uncle said nothing the whole journey back 'home'. If Remus had been worried before he was downright petrified now. He was used to nasty lectures, cruel statements, and subtle threats, not a cold silence. That somehow felt worse, much worse.

Remus didn't dare break it though, he knew better. He mutely followed his uncle into the small apartment. He had never actually stayed overnight at his uncle's before. At least it seemed normal enough. Remus made a mental note of all the heavy or sharp objects that could be thrown at him and was glad to find his 'room', a mere closet, really only had a mattress in it.

He stood there obediently glancing quickly at his uncle who he hadn't dared look at before.

SMACK!

Remus' cheek stung and he looked at the ground, realizing his uncle had been waiting for that to happen.

"I've thought long and hard about how to make you recall your place. To punish you for even attempting to make friends. Monsters don't deserve friends! And what are you?" He yelled loudly, the familiar stab of his words a dull ache to Remus, who still felt his friends' not that long ago presence as a shield.

"I SAID WHAT ARE YOU?"

"A monster."

"What are you to your father?"

"A burden."

"What should you never have?"

"Trust in myself."

"What happens if you do?"

"People die." Remus knew the familiar questions by heart and went back and forth, his uncle screaming sometimes getting sidetracked into a lecture, then Remus answering in a calm apologetic sounding tone. It was hours before his uncle seemed to think he had enough of a refresher before locking him into the tiny room.

Remus sat on his bed crying trying to remember why he ever thought to have friends was acceptable. He could easily recall the good moments and how much he liked them, but already the doubts at his decision to accept them as friends were forming again even despite knowing he could never be 'feral'. Somehow 'only two weeks' wasn't cutting it since it was only day one.

…

Sirius never could have predicted a worse outcome for his break. There was no trip, not for him anyway. Instead, he was at home with his mother who had contracted a bout of mange. ALONE with her! He supposed he should have felt lucky that his mother felt too poorly to beat him, much, but the tradeoff was having to take care of her and the painful skin disease that was contagious.

By day three he had caught it and by day four he, who shared his mother's allergy to the parasitic mites had a terrible fever and had to alternate between throwing up and giving his mother a sponge bath and other such menial tasks. It was a sick punishment, to do something the house elves could do yet he had to do it. He had to do everything whether it took him an hour to fetch a glass of water because he passed out on the stairs, or it was to hand wash the laundry since he couldn't use spells, his wand confiscated to make sure of this.

The message was clear; in his mother's eyes, he was the equivalent of a house-elf, a mere servant.

Nothing he did was good enough. When he made her soup in the beginning, foolishly thinking maybe caring for her would make her start to 'forgive him', she had thrown it at him in response. His glasses of water he brought her either needed ice or was too cold because of the ice. Worst of all was the potions were only for her. So, for the first time ever he received absolutely no medical care for something much worse than a mere cold.

He had never felt so unloved before. He wouldn't admit this to his friends, accept maybe Remus, but he cried himself to sleep every night. He couldn't wait to go back to Hogwarts, even one week was one week too much, especially without Regulus there, or Drommie visiting. Even his stoic and distant father would have been preferable as he could make his mother see sense when he chose too.

Luckily by day seven his mother was so sick she had, like she always did a few times a year, to go to St. Mungos. By day nine Sirius was so sick his mother finally deemed it appropriate for him to be allowed to follow suit, taken in by several disgruntled house-elves.

At least he could rest at St. Mungos, he supposed it was better this way than if his mother had been at full strength and punishing him for two weeks rather than what would probably end up being less than one.

He was treated like a prince at St. Mungos and it was luxury after being forced to play the role of a servant so he really had no qualms. But while at St. Mungos he had the weirdest dream. He dreamed that he had gotten out of bed because by day eleven he thought he felt better enough to do so. But the weird part was what came after in the vivid dream. He had wandered at night and somehow ended up staring at Remus through some glass. Remus who had been in the magical bites and stings ward.

In the dream, Sirius could only see his face which was badly bruised and his arm hung limply, clearly broken, but no one took care of him. He had on his defiant expression and just sat on the bed withdrawn not looking surprised or even particularly upset by the neglectful lack of medical treatment. Of course, Sirius had been worried and terrified in his dream.

After all, that ward was dangerous to be in and meant Remus was in danger. There were all sorts of poisonous bites that could cause terrible symptoms, but worse than that the ward was where they kept the werewolves. At least everyone expected so, it was the worst kept secret at St. Mungos, not that they particularly tried to keep it one.

Sirius knew when he was little he had been told never to go there but if it was really because of werewolves, or if he was simply told that to keep him in line he wasn't sure. But in his dream, he had been sure it was Remus inside the ward, no doubt about that. And even if there weren't werewolves in that ward his friend was still badly hurt! He remembered trying to get into the ward, out of all the stupid things. Then everything went fuzzy. He had gone the next morning to check, on the slimmest of slim chances it wasn't just some potion induced dream, and found the ward wonderfully empty of any of his friends.

He had felt silly for even considering it might not be a dream. But Remus wasn't there and if he had been poisoned by his uncle he would certainly be. Also the healers at St. Mungo's were the best in the country, no healer worth their potions would let a patient sit unattended like that while they rushed past without even looking at them! It was ludicrous, but it left Sirius really concerned about Remus regardless. He had several nightmares where Remus was all bruised, but nothing ever quite so detailed as what that had been.

He hoped that such a nightmare didn't occur during every break, otherwise his summer would be terrible for more than one reason. As he reached his bed, back from checking out the magical bites and stings ward, he was just in time for his mother to storm into the room cooly telling him they were going home. As he left dreading the next two and a half days, he hoped Remus' vacation had, at least, been better than his.

….

"I'll let you see your dad if you behave." His uncle had said but after a week of doing everything asked of him, of not talking back, and of taking all his 'reformation' without complaint he still hadn't seen his dad. He wasn't surprised and he knew better than to make a big deal of it until he found the box.

Just another part of his 'reformation', besides an essay on how he was a monster, reading through two biased books on how terrible werewolves were and the screamed at lectures at all hours of the day and night, was cleaning his uncle's house to practice 'obedience and self-discipline'.

As he was doing this, his uncle reminding him for the thirtieth time that day he was a good for nothing that would be better off dead, he found a small chest. He dusted it, thought about it, then opened it ready to say he wanted to make sure there wasn't moldy food inside. This would have been an appropriate excuse as he had found moldy food, spiders large as plates, and a hive of Doxies already in his uncles' apartment which had apparently deteriorated ever since he rented it.

His excuse wasn't needed as he wasn't caught. Instead, Remus stared transfixed at a picture of his mother and two smiling four-year-old boys. One was him, the other was the sunshine boy that had been his 'imaginary friend'. He was real? He was real! What else had his family lied about to him? It hurt that his mother had even lied to him and he couldn't imagine why she would of. He could tell he was missing something very important. Why would his uncle have that picture, a locket, a rock, and sock in a small but nice chest? It didn't make sense and the more he tried to grasp what he was missing the worse he felt.

The picture in his hand was at a park the two boys swinging their arms around jostling into one another and giving big grins, missing teeth leaving gaps in their mouth as his mother shook her head but smiled fondly. He looked so happy in that picture, so did the boy whose name he couldn't remember. Who he was told didn't exist. Why?

He was real! The boy had been REAL! Remus set the box back down shaking. He had to see his dad, he had to talk to his dad now! So Remus did something he had never done before. He walked, surprisingly calmly over to his uncle, and called him out on his lie.

"You said I could see my dad. I've done everything you asked."

"What did you say?"

"I said that you lied. I need to see my dad now!" It had not gone well for Remus. Not well at all. He had been beaten, much worse than his uncle had ever done before, and was target practice for his uncle who used multiple spells to hurl him all across the living room. One broken arm later and the following day, his uncle wasn't about to take him at night, he was in St. Mungos.

He had hoped his father would appear, that he could talk to him. He really needed to talk to him! He was sure, pretty sure that even his father wouldn't approve of his uncle's usually purposeful and controlled beatings to get so out of control that it became him screaming obscenities of hate at Remus while tormenting him. But his father hadn't come.

When he was returned back to his uncle, having been kicked out more sudden than usual for some reason, things went back to a semblance of normalcy. This time Remus didn't do anything dumb. He found a few letters from his dad to his uncle, 'cleaning' late at night while his uncle was asleep. Remus forced it to be enough that his dad wasn't sick anymore and apparently hadn't been too sick, had asked about him, and had written his uncle to take it easy on him since he was 'just a dumb kid'. Not monster, kid. His father hadn't forgotten him and didn't want him being treated this way. That was enough, it had to be.

Two weeks. Two long painful, damaging weeks. Two weeks that led once more to more questions than answers. Two weeks where Remus had glimpsed how much his uncle hated him, hated the monster. Kid, his father had called him a kid, not a monster. Remus knew this time not to trust his uncle, to counteract every book and essay with Dumbledore's unconditional acceptance.

Thinking of Hogwarts soon to come had made it bearable. But Remus knew that if Summer was going to look like this he'd go mad. He had to get his father to take him back or get Dumbledore to let him stay at Hogwarts, which he knew wasn't possible.

On the 17th the train came to take him away, back to his real home. He should have been thrilled but just as Dumbledore's and his friend's nice comments about him rung in his ears at his uncle's, once more his uncles' words wouldn't leave him even when surrounded by his friends.