Chapter Eighteen

2 months. 2 whole months since the bombing that destroyed the lives of so many and changed others beyond belief. Christian held Ana's hand in his own as they made their way to St Paul's Cathedral for the Islington bombing memorial service. Ana was extremely nervous. She's spent over an hour picking her outfit, then changing her mind and picking another. Once again, Christian had taken it on himself to choose her outfit for her, a black pencil skirt that fell to her knees and hugged her figure from her waist with a dusty blue pleated top with a preppy collar. She looked incredible as always though she had also reminded Christian it wasn't a fashion show. It was all currently hidden under a black dress coat.

"It will be fine." He reassured giving her hand a gentle squeeze. She looked at him her big doe eyes so filled with sadness that it broke his heart into a million pieces.

As they slowed to join the queue that was forming outside St Paul's Ana looked at the crowd that had gathered behind fences. Police kept them at a distance while also directing the traffic. When it was their turn to get out of the car, an officer opened the door for them with Christian climbing out first giving his hand to Ana to help her exit and guide her for the steps.

The atmosphere was heavy, even before they'd even made it inside. Ana and Christian could feel the grief in the air. It was thick and suffocating.

"Ana could we have a word with you for BBC?" Mary Lloyd, one of Ana's favourite journalists asked from the left of St Paul's Cathedral door.

"Sure." Ana said, tugging Christian with her, she would talk to the media on the condition he was by her side. Something Christian hated with a passion, but he did for Ana.

"Just a minute and we'll be live." She smiled softly at Ana, her perfect white teeth on display, Ana couldn't smile. Her heart was too heavy to smile today.

"Good morning, I'm here with the Angel of Islington, the saviour of Chapel Market Ana Steele MP for Chesham and Amersham who was caught up in the bombing at Chapel Market and is credited with saving the lives of dozens of victims. Ana, this is a very poignant day. How are you feeling?"

"I'm sad." Ana said softly. "It breaks my heart to have to be here to remember the lives of a hundred and six individuals who were murdered at the hands of right-wing terrorists."

"I see you're wearing light blue under your coat there, most of the victims of Chapel Market will be wearing baby blue, a colour supposedly chosen due to the suit Ana was wearing on the day of the attack. Victims of Emirates Stadium and their families will be wearing red, the colour of Arsenal FC. Ana, what do you remember of that fateful afternoon?" Ana had been caught absolutely surprised by what Mary had said in regards to the choice of colour for Chapel Market she barely heard the question.

"Uh… the noise." Ana replied. "After the bombing, it went perfectly silent. Just for a second or two, there wasn't a single noise to be heard anywhere. Then it was chaos. People were hurt and you could tell from all the shouting and screaming that people were badly injured." Ana blinked back her tears, she knew she'd cry a lot today but right now she didn't feel it was appropriate. "I also remember the humanity that was shown, how people came together to help. It was a real show of community spirit and love for fellow human beings to see how people put their own safety aside to ensure the care of others."

"You more than anyone." Mary nodded and Ana shook her head, she disagreed with that but couldn't debate it with the journalist live on TV.

"Today will be a difficult day for all involved, what do you hope you'll get out of this memorial service?"

"I think just feeling like we've remembered everyone. It was impossible to attend all the funerals and pay respects to all the victims. Also, to see the healing that is going on. All of us who have been involved, and those injured, are on our own journeys of healing and to see that and share in that will be special." Ana replied as Christian stroked his thumb over her knuckles, out of shot of camera he was providing her with continuous support.

"I believe you've been asked to read the names of the victims of Chapel Market? What does that mean to you?"

"I'm honoured that the families of those who lost their lives asked for me. It truly is an honour." Ana replied quietly.

"Thank you for speaking with us this morning Ana." Ana gave a small nod, knowing she was now being politely dismissed, and she and Christian made their way inside.

The church was heaving. It was already almost full to the brim and Ana didn't know what to do with herself. Thankfully, there were choir boys acting as ushers and as well as handing them an order of service they were asked who they were and led to their seats. Ana was sitting in the second row where the families involved were sitting. Ana was asked specifically to be in the aisle seat so that she had an easy exit when it was her turn to get up on the stage. Christian helped her remove her coat before they both sat down.

A harpist was playing. She lived in Islington and she was wearing a dusty blue dress and had an Arsenal scarf wrapped around her neck. Ana watched her fingers strum along the strings, a beautiful movement creating a beautiful sound.

"Ana. You're here." Shelly said having tapped her on her shoulder. Shelly and Rhian were both sitting behind Ana. White roses in their hands representing their respective husbands.

"How are you both?" Ana asked softly, she didn't want to be overheard.

"We're ok." Rhian said taking Shelly's hand. They'd obviously bonded more over their husband's deaths though Ana knew they'd both always been friends. "Well done on the leadership nomination by the way. John would be proud." Rhian grinned, Ana smiled back softly, a small weight being lifted from her shoulders getting Rhian's blessing.

"Yes, Doug would be too Ana. You're going to be an amazing leader." Shelly added. It was like someone releasing air from a balloon in Ana's heart. The relief was intense.

"Let's not jump the gun I have to be elected first." Ana said lightly trying not to show how emotional hearing their words was making her.

"She will be elected." Christian said earning a scowl from Ana but the other two just laughed. Christian gave her his knicker-dropping smile. He hadn't stopped making it clear to Ana that he had absolute faith in her and believed she would win this. It made Ana happy to know she had his support but at the same time he was over-confident, and Ana was afraid he'd be disappointed.

"How are you healing?" Shelly asked softly, changing the topic to something a bit more appropriate keeping in mind the occasion.

"I'm ok. Therapy is helping, I don't get as many nightmares. Physically I've healed as I should." Ana replied honestly. There was something about other victims and their families that made it so much easier to be honest about things, especially her mental and emotional state.

"I'm glad to hear that." Rhian smiled softly.

Their attention was suddenly drawn to everyone else rising to their feet, they quickly followed realising that the Prince of Wales, the Duchess of Cornwall, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and the Duke and Duchess of Sussex had arrived. They were the final people to be shown to their seats before the service would officially begin.

As soon as the Royal's arrived at their seats the organ sounded up and the congregation broke out into song. The first hymn was 'make me a channel of your peace' Ana thought it was an apt choice as Christian's dulcet tone hit her ears. She couldn't sing, the lump in her throat made it impossible but she moved her lips knowing that the service was being broadcast it was important to appear as though she was taking part.

After the hymn, everyone sat down again. The only person left standing the Dean who took to the podium. The families and the Royals were the ones sitting under the dome, closest to the stage where a dozen representatives of Churches and Faith Groups sat. The Service, though primarily Christian would contain elements from all faiths, as people from multiple faiths were injured or died at the blast. It was only right that the service reflect that.

"Good morning everyone. On behalf of the Cathedral, we would like to welcome all of you for gathering in this place for a national memorial for the tragic events of September the Twenty-Sixth. This will be a service of remembrance, reflection, community, love and hope. With us today are survivors of the bombing, their families, the families of those who perished, members of the emergency services and first responders, community leaders who have helped with the healing, neighbours and people who just happened to be at the place and did what they could to help. There are also medics, those who had to cope with the unfolding events and those who had to deal with the loss of life that occurred on that day. This nation is mourning with you. We welcome all those watching around the country via live broadcast, those victims not yet able to fathom the thought of a mass gathering, those who couldn't make the journey to us and are still recovering from life-changing injuries. Also, those who are just with us in spirit, those who are feeling and grieving though they were not personally affected, who feel the pain and anguish of that tragic Monday afternoon. We gather here, remembering those who we have lost, as members of different faiths, cultures and religions, we gather to give thanks to God for their lives and pray that they are all at peace. We also gather to pray, for a better future, for an end to terrorism and the hatred that causes it. We seek love and understanding, community and togetherness and for a future that is not filled with fear of acts like this one."

Ana couldn't help but be soothed by the voice of the Dean. He spoke in a soft tone, every word perfectly enunciated but without stress or pressure. It was comforting. Christian continued to hold her hand, stroke his thumb across her knuckles in the only caring act that he could do in this place. He was grieving with her, he felt everything she felt and more because while she put on a brave face to the world he knew she was hiding her darkest thoughts and pains. He knew them of course, he knew Ana better than she knew herself and he saw those moments when she thought she was alone or that he wasn't looking. Her eyes would cloud over, her mind would drift away and he'd see her embroiled in the memory of the event that changed her life forever, and scarred her mind and body. Those were the moments, away in their home when no one else was watching where he would take her into his arms, whisper sweet nothings into her ear and remind her how strong and beautiful she was. It would help, until next time anyway.

The choir began to sing once more, this time the congregation did not join in and instead simply listen to the incredible sounds of 'God be with you till we meet again'. It sounded so beautiful and the tune was relatively joyful, but the words were painful. Ana had to dab at her tears with the hanky she made sure to carry in her coat pocket today. It was impossible not to be so heartbroken thinking of all those bodies which she turned over, their faces played like a slideshow in her mind, little Tony, John and then Douglas too. The latter two she loved dearly, they were her friends. Life would never be the same without them in it.

Next came a bible reading, it was about peace and love and a lot about Jesus. It was hard to take in after the song, Ana's mind was just clouded by her grief and it was impossible not to be back there in the moment where she fought for the lives of victims. She could still smell the blood as though she was covered in it once again. It sickened her and made it impossible to concentrate.

A cellist from one of the high schools in Islington was next, she was accompanied by a teacher who was playing the keyboard. They had to wait a moment while it was set up and the Dean took to the microphone once again.

"Following the piece by Isla Meyers please be silent as voices from Islington are played to you." He explained before returning to his seat, the music starting.

"Requiem Mass." Christian whispered. Ana looked at him, unsure if she'd heard him speak. "Well, a piece from anyway." He smirked. Ana smiled back at him, he had a love for classical music so she wasn't surprised he knew the piece, he was using it as a distracting technique though, knowing that her mind hadn't been on the service at all.

"There were just so many people hurt…" A voice surrounded them and Ana knew this to be recordings of voices from the bombings that had been compiled together. It was eerie. "It was just bang, then another bang. People were screaming." Ana squeezed her eyes shut, she didn't want to listen to this. "We knew so many people would be dead… no one could be close to that and survive it."

"I didn't know what to do with myself, then this girl shouted at me told me to go to the Labour office. Everyone who could be in there was."

"There were some guys, they ran over to help. This girl shouted at them to help us." Ana knew some of these were talking about her.

"I just remember being in so much pain and wondering where my mum was. She'd been at the market with me."

"The football squad just ran out to help us. It was incredible, they were in their kits and jackets and they didn't care. They just got stuck in."

"She had this baby in her arms and she just passed it to me, told me to get it to a hospital."

"The ambulances weren't coming, we were terrified."

"At the church, people just kept making us cups of tea and giving us blankets."

"Waiting for news was hell, we were just sitting there praying for the best."

"It was scary, it was so so scary."

"People just came together, that was what was important. No one cared who anyone was, they just helped."

"She's acting like it didn't even happen. Do we not matter enough?"

"Why is no one telling us anything, we just need to know what's going on. We feel forgotten about."

"I and many others across this country bear the scars of six bombs that blew up in Islington at the hands of terrorist…" Ana's eyes sprung open as she heard her own voice echo around the Cathedral. "…Over a hundred people are dead, their families will forever bear the scars of this horrific act of terrorism. Failing to acknowledge it doesn't make it go away, it doesn't mean that it didn't happen." Her tears fell silently down her cheeks, this was unbearable. To hear the voices of the victims was hard, to hear her own, ending the segment was spine chilling. She was one of them, she liked to forget that but today she couldn't, today she was standing shoulder to shoulder in solidarity with each and every person who had been there or had been affected by this bombing.

Christian lent in and kissed her head softly, he could feel her shaking beside him and he knew she was distraught. How he wanted to take away her pain! It destroyed him, every time he saw her cheeks marred with the tears of her sadness a piece of him died. He wanted to vow to forever make her happy, but he couldn't have done anything about this. He couldn't have prevented it.

A group of school children sitting off to the left all stood and everyone turned to look at them as they began to sing somewhere over the rainbow. All the children were so young, too young in Ana's mind to be exposed to what had gone on. However, hearing their innocent voices echoing the words of such a beautiful song, Ana was reminded that there was still good in the world. She thought of Tony, the little boy who had died and her heart broke again. Did he like music? Did he like to sing like these children?

As the song came to an end Ana knew her turn was coming soon, first though the Bishop of Islington would say a piece and a moment of silence would follow.

"Monday afternoon, a normal sunny September Monday afternoon. Thousands of people were making their way to the Emirates to watch Arsenal play. Dozens of people were browsing the many stalls or visiting the shops along Chapel Market. It was an ordinary day. As the clock struck four thirty-five the first and second explosion. They were heard for miles, including on Chapel Market where unsuspecting shoppers believed they were hearing thunder or an earthquake. At four thirty-eight, the first in a series of explosions ripped down a chunk of Chapel Market, killing and wounding as they went. It was a day like no other this country has ever seen. Sixty-four people died at the Emirates and Forty-two at Chapel Market. Innocent lives were taken because of the wickedness of others. Hundreds of lives changed forever, in a moment. Since that tragic day, many of you have buried your loved ones, had to have hospital treatment for catastrophic injuries, have had to seek help for the scars burnt into your mind from the horrors you saw and experienced. Many of you, are on edge, daily, wondering when the next axe will fall, questioning if another bomb will go off. So many of you are still in limbo, unsure what will happen in the future, where do you go next without your husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother and children. You lost aunts and uncles, cousins. The youngest life to have been lost was just three years old, a family grieves for him as they do the other hundred and five who died. Yet, in the midst of tragedy, we saw the amazing coming together of people. Everyone who could... helped. Whether it was supporting victims, treating the injured, comforting families, supporting the emergency services in triaging the wounded. Families and strangers gathered in the park and commemorated. The silent heroes who helped without having to, the emergency services that went above and beyond to save lives. The front-line staff at the hospital who dealt with the chaos afterwards. Everyone came together. It didn't change what had happened and it didn't bring back those who died. However, it was a light in the darkness and will continue to be a light as we all go on with our lives and focus on that coming together of people and not the destruction and devastation caused. Please, let us now reflect on that and remember the lives that were tragically lost."

The Bishop bowed his head and the minute silence began. Ana closed her eyes, so many of those who died were permanently ingrained in her mind and heart, she'd looked at their cold and dead faces and committed them to her memory. Those images would never leave her mind. When the minute was over two microphones were brought to the centre and Ana along with the Captain of the Arsenal team left their seats. Surprising Ana, the Captain took her hand and she realised he was shaking as much as she was. They didn't look at each other though as they walked up the three small steps to the stage before separating and taking individual microphones.

Ana watched the Captain of the Arsenal squad as he read out the first sixty-four names. He was close to tears, often stopping to hold the bridge of his nose as though he was clawing at the little control he had left over his emotions. When he finished, he nodded in her direction and she took a deep shaky breath as she unravelled the piece of paper where the names were written, not that she needed it, she'd memorised them all.

"Grigor Balan, Faiza Bashir, Amelia Bow, Cloe and Fabio Castello, Catherine Charalambous, Alexandru Constantin, Silvestre De Rosa." Ana took a moment to breathe again before continuing, she now understood why the man next to her had been holding the bridge of his nose and fighting his tears, she was now fighting her own. "Bethan Davies, Emilie Dowell, Tommy Evans, John Flynn, Cristina Funar, Li Fang, Emi Gonzalez, Douglas Hall…" Her voice cracked and she had to clear her throat or she wasn't going to be heard. "Stephen Henry, Aki Hirata, Patricia Hopkins, Jessica Howard, Chen and Liling Huang." Ana took a moment again, this was much harder than she had anticipated it to be. "Anna-Marie Javid, Toby Jones, Alek and Gabriel Kowalski, Enrique Lopez, Tony McDonald…" She quickly swiped at the tear that escaped her eye, racing down her cheek. She would get through this, she would pay her respects to all those who had died, she'd taken this on as an honour and she would do it justice. "Aiko Nagai, Marian and Tytus Nowak, Wilfred Prince, Martha Roberts, Ebony Rowe, Mia Rowlands, Molly Thomas, Jabir and Jalal Shaheed, William Straight, Mohammed Vaziri, Laila Yusuf, Ashif Zia."

Ana and the Captain once again held each other's hands before walking back to their seats, both of them now unashamedly allowing their tears to fall. Only the person next to them understood how hard that had just been. They weren't just names, they were human beings who had died at the hand of terrorists. As they walked, the beginnings of Amazing Grace started, and the congregation stood. Christian kissed Ana's head as she arrived by his side, he'd seen the pain on her face with every single name. It had killed him to watch her like that, so vulnerable.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see." Ana wiped at her tears as she sang, it was like now she'd opened the tap she couldn't close it again. But she didn't care either, this day had exhausted her emotionally.

When the song came to an end, it was then the turn of all the faith leaders, each one took it in turns to go the microphones that Ana and the Arsenal Captain had occupied and gave a short speech about peace, love and faith within their own religious teachings. Ana thought it was lovely because, after all, there had been people from all walks of life killed, many different religious and those with none. It was important that their faith was respected too in this service.

After that, two teenagers made their way up to the microphones, they were brother and sister and their father had been one of those who had died in the bombing.

"Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile even though it's breaking…" They sang as some school children came in, each one holding a photo of a victim to place along the stairs. "When there are clouds in the sky, you get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow. Smile, and maybe tomorrow. You'll see the sun come shining through, for you."

Ana looked at the smiling photos of the victims as they were placed along the stairs. So many of them she had seen all over the news, others she remembered what they looked like when they'd died. Her throat was tight and she curled herself into Christian's side as she cried. He wrapped an arm awkwardly around her. It wasn't easy the way they were sitting but she needed him and his comfort and he was going to do whatever he needed to give it to her.

"Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness. Although a tear may be ever so near, that's the time you must keep on trying. Smile, what's the use of crying. You find that life is still worthwhile. If you just smile."

One hundred and six smiling faces lined the stairs of the stage. Each one of them breaking the hearts of those sitting in the service. It was devastating. Ana looked at the picture of Tony, it was nice for her to see a picture of him smiling as the memory she had of him was when he had died was horrible.

"That's the time you must keep on trying, Smile what's the use of crying. You find that life is still worthwhile. If you just smile." There wasn't a dry eye left in the room, which was amusing considering the song choice but it was truly beautiful. "That's the time you must keep on trying, smile what's the use of crying. You find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile."

When the song finished someone in the congregation started to clap, before anyone could really think about it everyone was on their feet clapping. It wasn't just the song and the singing that was being applauded though. It was the victims, each and every one of them. They stood, crying and clapping for about a minute before the faith leaders standing brought them all to silence again and they sat back down.

"Lord, while so many here grieve for their loved ones. Be with them. Let them feel your presence, your warm embrace enfold them and keep them safe. While the people of Islington, near and far come to terms with the tragedy that struck them let them rejoice in your love. God's love is everlasting, it is unconditional, it is warmth, light and hope in darkness. In times of great strife, remember that the Lord does care for you, does protect you…"

Ana scoffed under her breath, she couldn't listen to a prayer to a God who let these innocent people die. She looked at the pictures once again and wondered how could a supposedly all-loving God allow what had happened to happen. Why didn't He do more to protect those vulnerable people and allow them to live?

"Our Father who are in heaven…" Ana couldn't join in. She bowed her head to hide the fact that her lips weren't moving. She'd been a good Christian all her life. The school she'd attended was a Christian school, she'd gone to Sunday school and Church on Sunday's with her parents. However, she didn't believe it anymore. She couldn't believe in the good God who allowed things like this to happen.

"In a world, scarred by the evils of war, terrorism, racism, injustice and poverty, we offer this joint Act of Commitment as we look to our shared future."

The congregation was on its feet once again, taking part in this inter-faith commitment to work together, to bring peace and love to communities regardless of their faith, colour or creed.

"We commit ourselves, as people of many faiths, to work together for the common good, uniting to build a better society, grounded in values and ideals we share." Ana read from the service book as did everyone else around her. This was a truly important part of the service to Ana, it was reminding her why she went into politics in the first place, to bring peace and equality for all.

"Community, personal integrity, a sense of right and wrong, learning, wisdom and love of truth, care and compassion, justice and peace, respect for one another, for the earth and its creatures."

Like everyone in the congregation, Ana wished the terrorists could have believed this, that they could work together to make the world a better place. It may have prevented them from doing these acts. Maybe it was something that needed to be introduced in schools, an Act of Commitment that encouraged the students to accept each other, just the way they were for a better world. It would be worth looking into if she was to become Leader of the Opposition.

"We commit ourselves, in a spirit of friendship and co-operation, to work together alongside all who share our values and ideals, to help bring about a better world now and for generations to come."

To end the service the school children and the choir would stand and sing together, another act of the coming together of people from different walks of life as the children came from a multi-faith school and they were joining with the Cathedral choir.

"A gentle breeze from hushabye mountain, softly blows o'er lullaby bay. It fills the sails of boats that are waiting. Waiting to sail your worries away. It isn't far to hushabye mountain, and your boat waits down by the key, the winds of night so softly are sighing soon they will fly your troubles to sea."

Ana wrapped herself up in Christian again, the song that had been chosen was heart-breaking. It sounded so beautiful with all the children and young people singing it, but it was still causing an unbelievable pain in Ana's chest.

"So close your eyes on hushabye mountain, wave goodbye to the cares of the day. And watch your boat from hushabye mountain sail far away to lullaby bay."

The congregation joined in for the last part, everyone singing softly and quietly. Ana didn't, she couldn't through her tears as she shook softly against Christian's side as she clung to him. He just held her tight, singing softly in her ear. He wished she could send her troubles away like the song said.

"So, close your eyes on hushabye mountain, wave goodbye to the cares of the day, and watch your boat, from hushabye mountain sail far away to lullaby bay."

The service was over. Slowly, the Dean went over to the Royals who were the first to be guided out, Ana watched as they went, she thought it was nice that they had come to be a part of this service. Each one had taken it in turns to visit the victims at the hospital and now they had come and paid their respects to the victims. She wasn't a royalist, but she wouldn't call herself a republican either. She respected the royals and what they stood for and what they did for the country.

"Are you ready to go?" Christian asked as the main body of the congregation started to file out. Ana nodded gently, she was more than ready to leave and go home.

Christian helped her slip her coat on, she appeared so small to him, so vulnerable. If it wasn't such a public place he'd take her in his arms and cradle her. He felt like she needed that, to be cared for and taken care of again. Instead, he'd have to wait till they got home and he could take care of her there, run her a hot bath and make sure she ate before giving her all the attention and comfort she needed and deserved.

"Ana…" They were stopped just as they made their way up the aisle, Ana was surprised to see Tony's grandmother standing there, two white roses in hand and a soft pain-filled smile on her face.

"Mrs McDonald, how are you?" Ana asked letting go of Christian so she could take the free hand of the grieving grandmother.

"I'm ok." She nodded softly. "It's getting easier every day. I wanted to thank you for doing the reading of names. It was lovely."

"That's ok. It was an honour." Ana replied with a tense smile, it was an honour but it hadn't been easy though.

"Listen, I wanted you to have this." She passed one of the white roses that she had been given on entering the Church over to Ana who looked extremely surprised. Everyone who had been killed had been represented by a white rose in the congregation which had been given to the closest family member in attendance, so Ana knew this rose represented Tony or his mother who had also died. "You went above and beyond in taking care of him, you were with him at the very end. Looking after him like no one else ever would."

"I can't take this…" Ana said trying to return it.

"Yes, you can." She said firmly. "I want you to have it as a thank you for what you did not just for Tony but for me too. You don't know how much easier I sleep at night knowing he wasn't alone on that cold pavement. I want you to take it and when you look at it think of your healing, the journey you're taking to recover from this. Tony is gone, he's at peace with God but you have to live and find that strength in you to go on. Please."

"Thank you." Ana said as the tears slipped down her cheeks uncontrollably. She couldn't say anything else, this woman had said so much and it broke her heart and lifted it at the same time. They shared a warm embrace before Christian led Ana out, it was time go home and start to heal again.