Chapter Nineteen

"It's a big day today." Christian said as he and Ana sat enjoying breakfast together in the dining room. Ana scoffed, big didn't even begin to cover it. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm nervous." Ana replied honestly. "I'm on edge and I don't know if it's because of the documentary or the TV debate tonight. I just feel so…scatty." She giggled at her choice of words, she couldn't think of anything better to describe how she was feeling.

Today she had two big things happening, first, she would spend the day at the house with a film crew from the BBC filming segments for a documentary they were making about the attacks. Then later this evening she was going over to the Sky studios where she would be taking part in a live TV Debate with her competitors for Labour Leader.

"How are you feeling?" Ana asked Christian, knowing this wasn't easy on him either.

"I'm ok." He gave her a tense smile. "It's going to be weird having people here all day."

"I know right." Ana giggled, the only people who ever really came to their house were Kate and her parents, well and the leadership team now too. However today there would be a whole team of people to film her for the documentary.

The whole thing was crazy to her, they were doing this to mark the first 100 days after the attack. It didn't seem right to her somehow, it felt too soon. However, she'd been asked to take part and after discussing it at length with Christian they'd decided that she could help so many of the victims and their families by being involved, so she'd agreed to take part.

Not that it was going to be easy. They wanted her to talk about everything she'd experienced and felt. Some of it she was afraid to mention, to explain about the body pieces she'd had to step over, the bits of people that had been littered over the floor. How did she talk about that without giving people horrific nightmares like she still suffered on occasion?

Once again Christian was responsible for choosing her outfit, it was something he did more often than he didn't these days. Ana trusted his choice and it was one thing less in her life that she had to worry about. Christian loved choosing her outfits, it had become the new area of her life that he could Dominate her in and have that daily D/s elements to their relationships.

Today he'd chosen a pair of skinny jeans that came to her ankles, a white vest top, and a navy-blue cashmere poncho that hung off one of her shoulders. Something comfortable and casual, just like she'd asked for. She pulled her hair into a side pony and clipped a light blue flower in it. As always to Christian, she looked incredible.

The crew had been downstairs for the last half hour setting up and when Ana came into the drawing-room she was surprised to see how much of her furniture had been moved around and how they had put all sorts of equipment around to get the perfect shot.

"Hi Ana, would you mind if we went through somewhere else and had a chat before we start?" Cassie, the director asked as Ana stood looking at the scene before her with so much trepidation. She nodded and led Cassie through to the living room.

"How are you feeling about this?" Cassie asked, she could see how nervous Ana was by how her hands were fumbling in her lap, how she looked around rather than at a fixed point. It was natural though, this wasn't a political TV show or a debate, this was something Ana was not used to doing and she would be having to talk about some painful things.

"I'm ok." Ana nodded. "Guess I'm just nervous."

"That's ok." Cassie reassured. "That's a lovely rose." Cassie said signalling the single white rose that was in a vase on the table beside the couch Ana was seated on.

"Thank you." Ana replied softly. "It was given to me by Tony McDonald's grandmother. It was the one she was given at the memorial service." Ana explained why the rose was there, why it meant so much to her.

"Oh wow, that was so kind of her." Cassie smiled. "Oh!" Her eyes lit up as she had an idea. "Would you mind if it was in the shot when we film you? It might be nice for the families of the victims to see it, especially Tony's grandmother."

"Sure." Ana nodded and she watched Cassie jump to her feet and take the vase, hurrying it through to the drawing-room. Thankfully, to stop Ana collecting thoughts Christian came in looking delicious in a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt. He hadn't dressed for the day yet, but he didn't care, he was the king of his home and if he wanted to lounge around he would. Thankfully he wasn't having to go in front of the cameras.

"How are you holding up?" He asked joining her on the couch.

"We've not started yet." Ana snorted, the hardest part was yet to come.

"You'll do great." He reassured as she curled up into his side. She just wanted to feel him and his comfort.

"Just promise me something." Ana said softly.

"Anything." He replied as he played with strands of her hair.

"Don't make me watch this back." She said making Christian laugh, he'd never make her watch it back if she didn't want to. "I mean I live it, I don't need to watch it all on TV."

"No problem." He smiled softly and Ana sighed, relieved that he wouldn't expect her to sit through it.

Ana and Christian just sat there, taking in the comfort and the love exuded by the other. It was pure bliss for Ana to be held like this. Time seemed to be swallowed by so much else right now that she missed having time with Christian. She'd need to rectify that. Pick a day to take time away from the leadership contest or something just to be with Christian, in the house they had made their home.

"Ana we're ready for you now." Cassie called from the door to the living room, Ana sighed, she wasn't ready but had little choice now.

Ana followed Cassie through to the drawing-room, it looked nothing like it normally did. Ana was led over to the fan back armchair in the centre of the room, the rose had been placed on a little table beside it. She looked at it, her heart aching at the thought of little Tony. She was placed to sit, then had to wait while they checked all the lighting and angles of the camera. Ana hated this, it made her feel exposed.

"Ok, so what we want is just your story, as natural and as raw as it can be." Cassie said as Ana made herself comfortable in the chair. "I will prompt with questions if I feel I need to, but they will all be edited out, so if you can leave a little gap before answering it will make it a little easier." Ana just nodded as she slipped the small cream cushion into her lap, she needed something in her hands to play with to stop them fumbling, she was terrified.

"Ok we're rolling."

"Ana's story, One hundred days… and action." Ana just watched as everyone moved around her, she didn't know if she was supposed to say something or not, so she didn't say a thing and just sat there.

"Ok Ana, start just before the bombing, what you were doing and who you were with and go from there." Cassie said gently from where she was sitting on her knees on the floor. Ana nodded and swallowed hard, that was an easy place to start.

"I was at a meeting with Douglas Hall and John Flynn at the Labour Constituency Office on Chapel Market…" She closed her eyes a moment, her mind casting her back to how happy she'd been with her friends and colleagues. "We'd had a very productive meeting about the election manifesto and what I wanted included as the poverty and hunger shadow minister. We had some amazing ideas down on paper and I was so excited about how we were going to work them into the manifesto and how we might actually help people who'd been hit hardest by austerity." Ana smiled softly as she thought about how she might still be able to include all of that in the manifesto if she was to become leader. "We were just leaving, Douglas and John decided they were going to get fish and chips but I just wanted to get home and be with Christian so I said goodbye and headed in the opposite direction while Doug was still locking the door. There was a rumble, like thunder and everyone stopped to look at the sky, it didn't look like a storm… it was a perfectly clear and sunny day."

Ana knew now of course that it had been the bombs at the Emirates that she'd heard now but she didn't know that at the time. She would never have suspected that it was bombs going off when she heard it, the thought hadn't crossed her mind.

"The first explosion sent me flying, I hit the back of my head on a wall and then tumbled to the ground." Ana continued, not needing to be prompted at this stage. "I remember pulling my hands up over my head to shield myself from the debris but the bombs continued to go off, one after another. There was debris landing all around me and then this huge sheet of metal kind of fell against the wall, making like a mini tent above me. The sound of debris hitting it was like it was raining golf balls."

Ana's heart hammered in her chest as she spoke. She'd been working on telling her story with her therapist because she'd been extremely apprehensive about it, but actually doing it was something else. Even though she was telling her story, her mind was back there. She was lying on cold concrete again, the pain and the fear running rampage through her body. Without thinking her hand went to the top of her head, where she had been cut, she remembered the blood on her fingers, the warm stickiness.

"What happened then?" Cassie asked, as Ana had stalled in her tale for too long.

"I thought about Doug and John, so I ran back to them. I looked at John first, he was already dead. I didn't know what to do, he was dead." Ana closed her eyes tight, the images of all those who had died that she'd looked at were burned in her mind, but John was different because she remembered him living too, she remembered his rosy cheeks and that red nose he'd get in the winter from the cold.

"Douglas, he was groaning and that kind of snapped my brain into gear. I knew I needed to get him back into the office in case more bombs went off. So, I got the keys off him, ran back to open it up, and then dragged him in there."

"What injuries did he have?" Cassie asked, wanting more of a visual from Ana as to what she saw as well as what she did.

"His foot was in a bad way and there were loads of cuts all over him, my concern though was his foot, it was obvious that he would probably lose it, so I got a scarf and made a tourniquet for him and then when I knew there was nothing more I could do to help him I left him to go and help other people." Ana explained, she felt bad that she hadn't stayed with Doug, instead, she'd gone to help others leaving him alone and in pain. It killed her knowing that she'd done that, she'd left her friend to keep herself busy, it had been selfish of her in one way.

Ana wiped the stray tear from her cheek, it was hard doing this, repeating it all again. It still felt so raw. She continued to talk about the people she helped, the turning of the bodies and the lack of ambulances. It was difficult. She tried to switch off her emotions, impossible, but she had said she'd do this so the least she could do was get through it.

"There were just so many people. They were screaming and shouting. I knew they were hurt and I didn't know where to start. I just told everyone who was walking to go to the constituency office as officers arrived and started sealing off the scene. Other's had come to help too, they were helping those who weren't too bad and getting them into the office too. I just kind of went on autopilot then… doing whatever needed to be done to keep people alive. There were bodies everywhere, thinking it would help the paramedics when they came I'd turn them over and cross their arms on their chest… some of them were unrecognisable, the damage those bombs did was… you can't begin to imagine it. Some people weren't even whole." Ana closed her eyes tight and shook her head as those memories came alive inside her mind, she was having a flashback and nothing could stop it or pull her out of it. A voice was calling her name but she couldn't quite bring her attention to them, it sounded distant.

The scene played over and over again on a loop. Ana's breath caught in her throat, she couldn't get enough air into her lungs. Her hand clasped at her chest as she fought to breathe. It was horrific. Tears stung at her eyes and spilled uncontrollably onto her cheeks but all she could see were the images of body pieces all over the floor, the red gooey gunk that Ana knew to be people's insides squelching beneath her feet.

"Ana, baby look at me. Look at me it's Christian." Her eyes found those loving grey eyes and she collapsed into his arms in a heap. Cassie, having seen what was happening to Ana had gone to fetch Christian. She knew it was a panic attack, but she hadn't known how best to deal with it because she knew it was PTSD related. The wrong move could have seen Ana violently lash out through no fault of her own.

"We'll leave it for now." Cassie said and to give Ana some respect and dignity the team left the room, leaving Christian to bring her down.

"You're ok, you're safe, you're here with me." He reassured over and over again as she cried, he ran his fingers through her hair, comforted her in a way only he could until she was all cried out.

"Thank you." She whispered against his chest as he held her, finally feeling her heart slowing in her chest, the air becoming easier to breathe.

"What happened?" Christian asked, he'd just had a frantic Cassie coming to get him so he wasn't all that sure what had been going on. However, what he'd just witnessed frightened him.

Ana sighed, she should have been beyond this point now. Therapy had been going so well and she had felt so much stronger. Yet talking in such detail about what she'd seen had cast her mind back to that moment and it had felt so real, standing there again looking down at her feet where she was stood in other people's body parts. It caused the bile to rise in her throat again.

This is where Christian was getting most frustrated with Ana, she barely spoke to him about what had happened. He didn't truly know what she'd been through, he could only imagine the things she'd seen and dealt with. Ana was trying to protect him from the visions of her nightmares and he respected and loved her so much for that while being equally as frustrated that she couldn't be open and honest with him. She was his everything and he wanted and needed to know when she wasn't coping, yet she did everything she could to hide that away from him.

"I think we should get some lunch before you carry on? Take a break?" Christian said, not really asking but more telling her that she needed. Thankfully she nodded and didn't argue against him. Time wasn't really on their side with the leadership debate later on that evening too but Ana needed a time out.

They found the entire crew in the garden room where Christian and Gail had brought in the patio table to join with the dining table to make sure there were enough seats for everyone. Gail had also been cooking soup and fresh bread all morning which everyone was now tucking into.

"You ok?" Cassie asked as Ana slipped into a chair beside her.

"Yeah, sorry about that." Ana smiled awkwardly, it was a bit embarrassing to know she'd gone into full panic attack flashback mode in front of the crew. It only ever really happened in therapy when she was being forced to confront her own memories.

"It's fine. We know this isn't easy." She reassured kindly. "I was on one of the tubes on seven seven, I know what healing is like. It takes time." Cassie replied, Ana looked at her, she didn't know that she'd been involved in the seventh of July bombings but it was reassuring to know that the woman sitting in front of her when they were filming knew to some degree what she had been through.

"I'm in therapy. I guess it's just going to take time." Ana sighed, she had hoped to have at least got through this without anything major happening though.

After they were all fed and watered Ana was determined to get through the rest of her story. It was a bit annoying to know the hours of filming would be cut down to barely ten minutes, but she'd agreed to do it because she knew how much it would mean to the families to hear Ana explain what she'd done and why she had done it. Christian stayed with her this time, sitting off-camera as moral support and in case she had another flashback, this way he could respond faster.

"Ok so if you want to pick it up from when you were turning the bodies." Cassie said as soon as the film was rolling again.

"It was utter chaos." Ana recalled. "There were just people everywhere. I did what I could. There was one woman… her legs were both shredded, so I knew if she was going to survive she needed tourniquets but I didn't have anything left to use to make so I…" Ana sighed, maybe admitting this on TV wasn't her wisest move. "I took what I needed to off others." She said, deciding that they could work out for themselves what she meant by that. "I just remember the blood, there was blood everywhere. I was stepping in and on body parts, limbs that had been severed just lying there on the ground. I was being bossy too, telling everyone else what to do whenever I was near them." Ana smiled sadly. "I was being incredibly selfish." She said looking into the camera. "I was doing what I needed to do to remain in control. If I stopped helping people I knew that's when I would crumble. I just needed to help as many people as I could and not take in too much of what was around me."

"What happened after you left the scene?" Cassie prompted after a pregnant pause. Ana shook her head, as though escaping the memory that plagued her.

"I visited the walking wounded and the families, I again just needed to keep moving, keep busy and not stop." Ana explained gritting her teeth. "I'd seen the worst of humanity. I saw people dead and dying, an innocent child whose life had been cruelly ended simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I stopped for a minute, I knew that those images would take over my mind and I would seize to function. So, I served tea, coffee and soup, I buttered bread, I help organise bedding for the families and I made a list of names of the walking wounded to take to the families… and that's when the media found me and I was taken by police protection." Ana explained her truth, what she felt she had done in that time, why she had behaved the way she had and helped so many. She had done it as much for her as she had for them.

"I couldn't sit back and let people die. There was no way I was going to sit and wait for ambulances that felt like they were never going to show up. I could hear the screams of agony of people and I needed to do whatever I could to help them. But as much as I was doing it for them I was doing it for me. I'm no angel, no hero." Ana felt that she needed to get this out because it was destroying her.

"What happened after you were taken to the safe house?"

"I got assessed by a medic and then taken to the hospital to get x-rays and things." Ana explained, she didn't need to go into too much detail about her breakdown, the world didn't need to know about any of that. "I got lucky, most of my injuries were superficial. Too often I've wondered what would have happened if I'd only made the decision to walk in the other direction with John and Douglas. Would I have been here to tell you this story? But the truth is it doesn't matter. I didn't and I'm here when they aren't."

Ana looked at the ceiling as she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hands. It was going to be out there now, her story, what she had experienced on that fateful day that changed and destroyed the lives of so many people. She had survived though. Her life might have been affected and changed but she lived and she didn't have life-changing injuries. So what, she had a few scars, they'd fade, as would the memories. Compared to most, she had it so easy and she knew she felt as though she didn't have the same right as others to be devastated by what had happened.

"After the bombing, you went to see Douglas?"

"I did." Ana smiled sadly. "He was fine, doing so well. I never imagined at that moment he wasn't going to make it." She lied there, she'd feared his death every day until he did finally die. She'd had this gut feeling that she hadn't been able to shake though she had been putting it down to trauma. Of course, Ana knew she'd never know why she knew he was going to die or how she knew, but her gut instinct was proven right when he did succumb to his injuries. "I also got to see some of the victims I helped, it was amazing to hear I'd actually saved lives. I guess I get to hold on to that as something positive in all of this. That my actions in the heat of the moment actually means there are people out there today living because I was able to help them. I know I didn't do as much as I could have and I feel awful that I was helping people physically then abandoning them but I had to keep busy, but still knowing they're alive… it means everything to me."