Last Christmas
MackenzieW
A/N: Happy First Day of OQ Advent! Looks like my streak of being on Day 1 continues! I hope you all enjoy this story, inspired by the classic Christmas song by Wham! It makes me itch to write an Outlaw Queen story every time I hear it and now I'm doing so. I hope you enjoy it!
I know this year hasn't been a very good one for many, many reasons. But as we approach the end of it and look forward to a new year, I hope you find happiness and peace. Happy holidays, happy December, and good riddance to 2020!
Part I: Last Christmas
"This is a great party, Regina. I am so glad you decided to have it this year," Mary Margaret said, helping to throw away some dirty dishes that didn't make it to the garbage cans Regina had set up around the lower level of her house.
Regina smiled, feeling lighter and jollier than she had in a long time. "It felt right, you know?"
"I do," Mary Margaret said, setting the garbage pail down. She accepted some hand sanitizer from Regina as she added: "Daniel would be so proud of you if he could see you."
"I'd like to think so. He always loved our annual Christmas party and I felt like I let him down the past couple years not having it," Regina confessed.
Her friend shook her head. "I think he understood why you couldn't have it. I think he would've been the same way if the situation were reversed."
Left unsaid was how close that almost came to be. The firefighters and police who responded to their accident said that had the car rolled a couple inches to the right, Regina would've been the one who died while Daniel would've lived - and probably wouldn't have required all the surgeries she had needed after being extracted from the wreckage of her fiancé's car. One patch of black ice and a faulty airbag had taken so much from her in one fell swoop - the man she loved, her ability to have children and her love for the Christmas season. It was hard to believe in hope and joy when her life felt devoid of both.
Until now.
Now she had Graham.
Mary Margaret's husband David had introduced her to him, though his intention was not to set them up. Graham had become his partner at the sheriff's department around Christmas the year before and since he had just moved to town, David and Mary Margaret had invited him over for Christmas. They had done the same for Regina and so the four of them had a small and cozy Christmas together. She had spent the afternoon talking with Graham and for the first time in almost two Christmases, she almost felt cheerful.
She and Graham started to spend more time both with Mary Margaret and David and without them. Both agreed it was nothing serious, just two people who enjoyed each other's company spending time together, occasionally overnight in the same bed. Around the summer, though, they decided to evolve their friends-with-benefits situation into an actual romantic relationship, agreeing to date each other exclusively. Fun beach dates and steamy nights soon turned into cozy autumn afternoons curled up under blankets and watching movies. With winter officially starting and the first snowfall predicted within a week, she was looking forward to ice skating dates and hot toddy nightcaps.
Most of all, she was ready to feel love, hope and joy again.
"I never thought I would see that smile again," Mary Margaret said, pulling Regina from her thoughts.
"What smile?" Regina asked, tilting her head.
Her friend chuckled. "The I'm-so-in-love-and-very-happy smile. You used to have it all the time when Daniel was alive and then it went away. Now it's back, so I'm guessing things are going well with Graham."
"They are," Regina replied. She looked around, making sure her boyfriend wasn't lurking around to overhear what she was going to say. Even though she didn't see him, she lowered her voice as she said: "Let me show you one of the things I'm getting him for Christmas."
She turned around and opened a drawer on her hutch, pulling out a small thin box. Regina held it out to Mary Margaret as she removed the lid, revealing a silver keychain with his initials engraved on it. Two keys were already attached to it.
Mary Margaret gasped. "Are those the keys to your house?"
"Yes," Regina confirmed. "Graham and I discussed him moving in when his lease is up at the end of January. So this is my way of formally inviting him to move in with me."
"Oh, Regina!" she gasped. "That's great!"
Regina nodded, putting the lid back on and returning her present back in its hiding spot. "I didn't think I would feel this way again but I do. And I hope it never ends."
"I am so glad," Mary Margaret replied, hugging her. "And I'm also hoping that you could talk to someone for me about that."
That surprised Regina and she pulled back from her friend. "You do?"
Mary Margaret nodded. "Remember the new teacher I asked about inviting?"
"Yes," she replied. "You said he had just moved here and didn't know many people in the area."
"Right. Well, he lost his wife earlier in the year so this is his first Christmas without her," Mary Margaret explained.
Regina felt a pang in her heart, understanding the pain he had to be going through. That first Christmas without Daniel was the hardest and she had almost not even put up the decorations that year, not feeling able to celebrate. Mary Margaret had convinced her to put up one strand of lights and Regina had found comfort in them, spurring her to decorate the rest of the house in order to alleviate her pain for at least a month. It worked, though she still didn't think she would ever truly be happy or celebrate Christmas again.
Yet here she was.
But she couldn't imagine getting through that first Christmas without her friends, especially Mary Margaret and David. They supported her and were there for her through all her tears and fears, ready with a comforting word or hug. If she could bring some comfort to Mary Margaret's new colleague, she would feel as if she was starting to pay it forward.
"I can talk to him," she agreed. "Where is he?"
"Let's go find him," Mary Margaret said, taking Regina's hand. She led her out of the dining room and across the foyer into Regina's living room. All the other guests were in there, separated into their own little groups as they laughed and chatted while Christmas music played in the background.
Regina waved to those she passed before Mary Margaret came to a stop in front of Regina's armchair. Sitting there was a man about their age who wore a dark green sweater over a white collared shirt and paired with black pants. He seemed startled, looking up at them with wide blue eyes. "Um, hi, Mary Margaret," he said, revealing a slightly British accent.
"Hi, Robin," she replied, pulling Regina forward. "I wanted you to meet my friend, Regina Mills. Regina, this is Robin Locksley."
He stood and shook her hand. "Thank you for inviting me. You have a lovely home and this is a great party."
"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," she said, though she wondered if he had been sitting in that chair since arriving rather than socializing.
Mary Margaret beamed. "I'm going to let you two get to know each other better. Excuse me."
She left and Regina rolled her eyes, chuckling a bit. "Sorry about her."
"That's okay," he said, though she noticed he stopped looking her in the eyes. He then shifted from foot to foot. "I don't know what she told you but I'm not interested in dating anyone right now."
Regina played back her friend's words and bit back a groan. This man didn't know anything about her and so would no doubt assume their mutual friend was trying to set them up, which was the last thing he needed after losing his wife.
"I have a boyfriend," she assured him. "You've probably met him, he's around here somewhere. That's not why Mary Margaret wanted us to meet. She, um, told me about your late wife and that this is your first Christmas without her. I have some experience with that."
He raised his eyes to meet hers again, unmasked pain in them. "You do?"
She nodded, motioning toward the chairs. "Have a seat."
They sat down and she told him about Daniel. While she still felt some pain as she told him about the car accident that took Daniel from her, she managed to do so without her voice cracking and she considered that a victory. She spoke about the dark times she experienced after losing him and how she didn't want to even celebrate Christmas but found it was just what she needed to start to heal.
"I still wasn't ready to fully celebrate all the joy and love of the holiday," she told him, "but I was open to it. Then the following Christmas, I met Graham. And he gave me hope and love back."
"I am happy for you," Robin told her, giving her the ghost of a smile.
She tucked some hair behind her ear. "Thank you. But I hope it didn't seem like I told you all of that to brag or anything. I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling is okay and that you don't have to force yourself to be happy this holiday season. Just know that it gets better."
Regina paused, reconsidering that last word. "Maybe not better. It gets easier," she amended.
"Thank you. That is reassuring," he told her with a soft smile. It then faltered as he asked: "Did you feel guilty being happy without him?"
She nodded. "All the time that first year. And sometimes I still feel that way now, even with Graham in my life. Everything is fine and I feel happy then it feels like I've gotten kicked in the chest. The grief and pain feel as strong as they did in the days after losing him and I spiral into grief and guilt. Usually ends with me faking a headache and going home to wallow."
"I've become an expert in wallowing," he admitted. "How do you get yourself out of it?"
"I usually remind myself that Daniel wouldn't want me to be sad. That he would want me to be happy and to continue living life to its fullest, even though I have to do it without him," she told him. She leaned closer. "I know I didn't know your wife but I believe she would want the same thing."
Robin's smile grew bigger as he nodded. "Yeah, she would. I can sometimes hear her telling me to stop being so dramatic when I'm stuck in bed overwhelmed with grief. It usually helps to get me up."
"I still sometimes hear Daniel telling me it will be okay," she confided in him, surprised. She hadn't even told her therapist that she still sometimes heard her late fiancé.
"It's good to know our loved ones never truly leave us," he replied. He placed his hand over his heart. "I keep telling my son that his mother lives right here. But I did wonder if I was going insane."
"Not insane," she assured him before processing all his words. She tilted her head. "You have a son?"
He nodded, fishing his phone from his pocket and showing her his lockscreen. It showed him with a young dark-haired boy with bright brown eyes. Both beamed at the camera, revealing matching smiles and dimples. "This is my son, Roland."
"He's adorable," Regina replied, her heart melting a bit. She always was a sucker for children. "How old is he?"
"Four. And thankfully losing his mum hasn't dampened his belief in Christmas. His joy and love is what is getting me through this holiday season, honestly. I want to make sure it's magical for him," Robin said, gazing at the picture of his son with love.
It was absolutely beautiful and Regina could tell why Mary Margaret was drawn to helping Robin. From even their short conversations, she could sense he was a good man with a heart of gold. She had a feeling he was about to become the newest member of their friend group and she hoped she could meet Roland one day.
"I'm sure you're doing it well," she said. "He's lucky to have you."
He shook his head. "I'm lucky to have him. I don't know if I would've even made it this far without him."
A dark look crossed his eyes and it was one Regina knew well. She recalled how dark her thoughts got immediately after losing Daniel. If it wasn't for the constant presence and support of Mary Margaret, David and her other friend Mal, Regina was certain she would've attempted to join Daniel in death - and maybe even succeeded.
But she fought past those thoughts and came out on the other side. And she had a feeling Robin had done the same. She reached out and took his hand. "But you did. And that says a lot about your own inner strength."
"Thank you," he said, giving her hand a squeeze. He glanced back at his screen. "I hate to have an intense heart-to-heart but I need to go pick my son up from the babysitter."
"I understand," she assured him, standing along with him. She shook his hand again. "I hope you and Roland have a Merry Christmas."
He smiled, pulling his hand back. "I hope you do too. I know it's what Daniel and Marian would've wanted."
"Yes," she said before realizing that was the first time she heard his late wife's name. Her face heated up as she realized that she had done most of the talking rather than listening to him. While it did seem like her story and advice helped, she knew how important it was to have someone listen during this time.
She pulled out her phone. "Want to exchange numbers?"
Relief filled him. "Yes, please. I just wasn't sure if you would be open to it."
"I am," she replied, creating a contact for him. "Go."
They exchanged numbers and sent each other texts to confirm everything was correct. Regina held her phone against her chest. "Please feel free to call me. I realize I did a lot of talking about Daniel today but I would love to hear about Marian."
"Thank you," he replied. "I'll try not to abuse it though. I don't want you to get sick of me or cause your boyfriend to come kick my arse for monopolizing your time."
She laughed. "Don't worry. I doubt either will happen."
He tucked his phone away and grinned. "Okay, I think at this point we're beyond handshakes and can move straight to hugs. Agree?"
"Agree," she said, hugging him. He did the same and they held each other close for a few seconds, long enough for her to get a good whiff of his aftershave.
He smelled the forest.
They parted and Regina walked him to the door, helping him find his coat in her closet. She watched as he put it on and wrapped a blue scarf around his neck. He gave her a nod before leaving her house, off to pick up his son.
She closed the door and jumped when someone wrapped their arm around her waist. "Relax, love, it's just me," Graham whispered.
"Sorry," she said, leaning against him. "You just surprised me."
"So were you able to pass some wisdom onto him?" he asked her. She was surprised he knew that and she looked up at him. He chuckled. "Mary Margaret told me who he was and why you were talking with him."
Regina smiled. "I think I did help. At least for now. He still has a struggle ahead of him but I offered to be there for him. Everyone needs a support network and I'm happy to be part of his. Feels like I'm paying forward, you know?"
He nodded, kissing the side of her head. "You're the best, Regina."
"I know," she replied jokingly. She then turned to face him, giving him a quick kiss before saying: "Let's go get some dessert."
"You read my mind," he said, taking her hand. As they entered the dining room, Regina hadn't felt so happy in a long time.
She hoped the feeling never ended.
Regina set a small bouquet of flowers in the holder next to Daniel's headstone. She had placed a wreath there at the beginning of the season and she checked it now, finding it starting to brown. But it should hold for another week, allowing his grave to look festive until after the New Year.
He would've loved that.
She placed a glove hand on the cold slab of marble that bore Daniel's name and the dates he graced this Earth and told him all about her Christmas, starting with Christmas morning at her house. Regina told him about giving Graham the keys to her house and officially asking him to move in with her. He had agreed and kissed her, giving her a beautiful bracelet as a present. At that moment, she had realized she was hoping for a ring but figured there was plenty of time for that. It would probably be best for them to live together first.
They then spent the rest of Christmas with Mary Margaret and David, sharing a wonderful meal together. After exchanging a few more gifts and enjoying some holiday desserts, she and Graham returned home to end Christmas curled together under a blanket, watching movies and drinking hot toddies.
"It was a great holiday," she assured Daniel, wherever he was. "You would've loved it, I know. But since you're not here, I enjoyed it for you."
She pulled her hand away before sighing. "I'll come by soon, Daniel, but probably not for a while. We have to pack up Graham's apartment and move him into my house, so I'm going to be busy for awhile. But I know you understand and that you're probably happy I have him. I know I am.
"I love you, Daniel," she said, "but now I know I have room in my heart for someone else. You always did say I had the biggest heart of anyone you knew. I guess I'm learning that for myself now."
Regina took one more look at his grave before leaving the cemetery. She crossed the street to the park, taking a leisurely stroll through it before returning to her car. They had enjoyed a white Christmas and several families filled the park to go sledding down one of the hills. Regina slowed as she passed them, wondering if Robin had brought Roland. He had called her on Christmas Eve and she could hear that he was struggling. She gave him the time he needed, listening as he told her about Marian and all the ways she used to make Christmas special for him and Roland. After he had cried a little, she encouraged him to do at least one thing Marian would've done and he agreed, texting her a few hours later to thank her for her help and to tell her it had worked.
Since she hadn't gotten a call or a text - aside from one wishing her a Merry Christmas - she figured Christmas Day had gone well in the Locksley household. And she was happy for him and Roland, knowing they deserved a good Christmas.
When she didn't spot them on the hill, she picked up her pace and continued her walk. She knew there was a good coffee stand nearby and she wanted to get a cup, especially if they were still using the peppermint shots. Regina rounded a curve in the path and saw the stand up ahead. But she slowed her pace when she saw who was already there getting coffee.
Graham.
And he was with Emma Swan, the newest bail bond person in town. Even though she was an assistant district attorney, Regina didn't have much interaction with her as she was assigned cases from another town in the county to avoid any appearances of impropriety. But Emma seemed nice enough, if a bit rough around the edges. She wondered why Emma and Graham were meeting now though. He hadn't mentioned anyone jumping bail and the courts were closed until after the New Year, so there were no court dates for someone to miss just yet.
Besides, he had specifically told her that he was going to spend the entire day starting to pack and clean out his apartment. She had been planning on grabbing them lunch and swinging by his place to help him for the afternoon. What was going on?
Graham paid for their coffees and they walked off, heading away from Regina. She decided to forgo her own and instead go talk to them, knowing she would only get her answers by doing so. There was no doubt an innocent reason why they were walking through the park together and she was going to feel foolish once they told her. She followed them as they headed down to the lake. It was frozen over but the ice wasn't thick enough to support ice skaters just yet. But it was a pretty beautiful backdrop for any conversation.
She picked up her pace, eager to catch up with them. Regina was about to call out to Graham when she saw him reach out and take Emma's hand. That made her slow her pace again as she followed them, watching as they strolled around the lake hand-in-hand. While she couldn't hear what they were talking about, both were smiling and looked very happy. She wasn't sure if she was seeing things or not but Graham seemed to be looking at Emma the same way he looked at her.
No, she told herself. She was just being paranoid. Graham had given her no reason to suspect he was cheating on her. After all, he had just agreed to move in with her. He wouldn't do that if he was also dating someone else.
Would he?
She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone, though she wasn't sure why. Did she want to call him, see if he picked up or ignored her call? Or did she want to take pictures so she could ask someone else, someone who was more objective? Regina stood there, unsure what her next steps were as she watched Graham and Emma talk and smile at each other.
They stopped and she held her breath, wondering if she was about to be spotted. But the two seemed lost in their own world. Graham released Emma's hand and brushed a blonde lock away from her face. Regina's heart stopped as she recognized and she knew what would happen next, watching in horror as he closed the gap between him and Emma to capture her lips.
And Regina suddenly had all the answers she needed.
She raised her phone and took pictures of them keeping, certain he would try to deny it when she confronted him later. Part of her wanted to confront him now but she didn't need a crowd to see her at one of her worst moments since Daniel's death. Regina felt like a fool, believing that Graham had been special and was worthy of her. Maybe the only person who had been had dead two years ago and she was destined to be alone for the rest of her life.
Maybe she should just call it, get herself a cat now and save herself the heartbreak.
Graham and Emma continued on their romantic stroll, her arm now wrapped around his. She rested her head on his shoulder and they walked away from Regina, unaware of the pain and heartbreak they were leaving in their wake.
She turned and walked away, holding her phone against her chest as she tried to sort out her next steps in her mind. But she couldn't think of anything. All her mind kept showing her was Graham kissing Emma over and over. It was as if it was taunting her, shaming her for how hopeful she had been.
Her mind then started to replay her entire relationship with Graham and she tried to find clues she may have missed. There really were no warning flags in the first half of their relationship when they were keeping it casual and were really just friends with benefits. Emma's arrival coincided with the time they had decided to become exclusive and she now wondered if she had pressured him into committing before he was ready. But then she remembered that he was the one who first suggested they go exclusive, so that was not it. Perhaps he just enjoyed having two women who were interested in him, maybe it was an ego boost.
Looking back, she saw a few red flags she had overlooked. She had discovered he had two cell phones but he had explained the other one away as a burner one used when he had to go undercover. That had seemed plausible and explained why he always stepped out of the room whenever he got a call on that phone. Now, though, she wondered if it was really just Emma calling him those times. She wished she had asked David about his undercover work even though Graham had insisted his partner didn't know about those assignments.
She should've been more suspicious about that - he would not have gone undercover without some protection from his partner.
Graham had also started to work late more and more. She had questioned it, especially when she found out that David had been home on time those days. He, though, had told her that he was doing David a favor by taking his late shifts and that made sense to her. With Neal still just a baby, Mary Margaret had needed David at home more than Regina had needed Graham at that time. She figured that David would repay the favor when Graham needed him to cover and Graham also was there for her when she asked him to be, such as when he helped her decorate for Christmas. But now she wished she had said something to their mutual friends. Maybe Mary Margaret or David would've told her something that would've made her question Graham and changed her mind about letting Graham move in.
But everything he had told her seemed plausible, especially given his job in the sheriff's department and his goal to become the sheriff one day. She only saw a man who was dedicated to his job and driven to prove himself, something that she admired. Had he used that to shield his affair this entire time? Regina had always thought the women she had known who were cheated on were just oblivious but now that she was one of them, she realized how easy it could be to be duped by your partner. She trusted Graham and he abused it.
Still, she felt like an absolute fool. Especially after she had spent so much time gushing about Graham and crediting him for helping her really move on after leaving Daniel.
It was just a big joke the universe seemed to be enjoying at her expense.
"Regina?"
She blinked a few times, feeling as if she had just woken from a dream. Looking around, she found her feet had brought her back to the hill where everyone was sledding. It was as if her body had been on autopilot, retracing her steps to bring her back to her car. Good thing someone had shaken her out of her stupor - she had been in no condition to cross a street let alone drive down one.
"Regina, are you okay?" Robin asked her, gently grabbing her arm as he looked her over with a frown. "Are you hurt?"
"Not physically," she replied, feeling hollow inside. It was as if Graham and Emma had reached into her chest, pulled out her heart and stomped on it.
He moved his hand to her back, rubbing it. "What happened?"
Unable to put her betrayal into words just yet, she held out her phone and showed him the picture that was still on screen. He took it and his concerned look turned to one of anger. "That bastard!" he hissed.
"I feel like such a fool," she whispered, tears now pricking at her eyes. She shook her head. "Here I was going on and on about how he made me believe in love again and showed me I could hope and that things would get better, that you just had to hang in there and all the while, he was dating a colleague behind my back."
Robin gently gripped her shoulders, crouching a bit to look her in the eyes. "You are not a fool. You did believe in love and hope again - but not because of him. Because you wanted to believe in them. Don't let that absolute tosser steal them away from you again."
She sniffled, shaking her head. "I think he already did."
"Oh, Regina." Robin pulled her into his arms, holding her as she cried. She still felt foolish, sobbing in the arms of a man who she had just met - a man still dealing with pain of his own. Yet at the same time, she felt as if she were right where she needed to be as she mourned her relationship with Graham.
As her sobs died into hiccups, she pulled back and tried to wipe her face before the chilled December winds froze it. Robin reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of tissues. "Never leave home without it," he said, holding it out to her.
She pulled out a tissue and wiped her face. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he said. "I wish I could do more."
"You've done plenty," she replied. "Really, thank you."
He gave her a small smile before a tiny form bundled up in a puffy orange coat, orange snow suit, black snow boots and a gray hat with a matching scarf waddled up to them. The child waved an orange mitten-covered hand at Robin, who knelt and gently pulled down the scarf covering the child's mouth. "Papa, I thought we were going sledding," he said.
"Sorry, my boy," he replied. "I was talking with a friend."
The child, Roland, looked up at her with the warm brown eyes she had seen in the picture his father had shown her. He smiled and waved at her. "Hi, I'm Roland."
"Hello, Roland," she said, leaning down to shake his hand. "I'm Regina. It's very nice to meet you."
"You too," he replied. "Do you work with my Papa?"
She shook her head. "No, I'm friends with someone who works with him. She invited your papa to a party at my house and that's how we met."
"Was that the day I spent at Miss Ashley's?" Roland asked, mostly to his father.
Robin nodded. "That one."
She straightened up, looking at Robin. "I don't want to hold your time with your son. Thank you again. I needed that hug."
"Hug? I give the best hugs!" Roland declared happily.
His father nodded. "He does. It's science."
Roland held open his arms and she crouched again, letting him give her a big hug. He held him close, finding that his joy and innocence was a good balm for her soul. She let the hug go on for a few more moments before pulling away, nodding. "Yep. Best hug ever."
"I know," he declared proudly. His eyes then seemed to search her face, as if he was looking for something.
She frowned, worried. "Is something wrong?"
He shook his head. "You're really pretty and remind me of my Mama. She's in heaven."
"Oh," she said softly, feeling a tug at her heart. "I'm sure she was really beautiful and I thank you for such a lovely compliment."
"Do you want to go sledding with Papa and me?" he asked, easily changing from the more serious topic of his mother to the lighter topic of the winter fun he had been promised.
She glanced down at her outfit, a nice pair of pants and fashionable rather than practicable boots, and shook her head. "I'm afraid I'm not dressed for it. But thank you for the invite," she told him.
Robin placed his hand on Roland's shoulder. "Come on. Let's let Regina go home and we can go sledding."
"Okay, Papa," he replied. He then hugged her. "Bye, Regina."
"Bye, Roland. Have fun sledding," she told him. He nodded before rushing off to get his sled ready.
Robin turned to her, placing his hand on her back again. "Are you okay to drive?"
"Yeah," she said, no longer in the fog of betrayal thanks to him. Impulsively, she leaned up and kissed his cheek. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he said. "And that offer about calling and texting? It goes both ways, okay?"
She smiled, glad to have him in her life. It certainly wasn't something she was expecting but it was probably just what she needed. "I'll keep that in mind."
They parted ways and she headed back toward her car. She took a few steps before pausing, looking back. Robin and Roland were sitting on their sled and she watched as they pushed off, disappearing down the hill. She imagined they were both laughing and shouting as they made the short trip to the bottom, snow flying up around them and wind whipping past them. It brought a small smile to her face and she continued her trek feeling a bit lighter than before.
Maybe she was going to get through this after all.