-Veronica -
I can't stop moving. Right now, my entire closet is on my bed as I try and focus on finishing my packing, but this decision still feels like some giant mountain I need to scale. As soon as we got home, Dad called the Echolls house, and I disappeared in here to hide and think. Or overthink. Whatever.
The packing was supposed to distract me, but when I saw the underwear I packed, and had the thought that Logan may someday see me in my plain white cotton panties, I proceeded to dump the whole drawer on the ground, trying to find the cutest pairs. But then I realized that he may not ever actually see me half naked if I don't get the answers I want and call this whole debacle of a match off, and started shoving the most comfortable pairs back into my suitcase. In the middle of the panty packing problem, Dad stuck his head in my room to tell me the entire Echolls family would be over in about an hour, wrinkled his nose at the mess I had made, and retreated.
Now with Logan on his way over, packing seems even more critical because Logan and Duncan and I are supposed to be on a plane in a few days, headed to college, and I'm still not ready. This is the one absolute in my life now—leaving for college. To leave for college I have to be packed so as long as I can manage to do that by the time he shows up, then everything will be fine. Control. I am one-hundred percent in control.
But then again, Logan probably isn't packed either, so why am I worrying?
I hide my face in my hands and let out a deep, long groan. If I don't stop thinking soon, my brain's going to liquefy and leak out my ears, I'm sure of it. Lilly told me that I had to call her immediately, but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone. Not yet. Not until I talk to Logan and make a decision. I love Lilly, but I need to make this decision on my own. She's not the one who has to commit herself to Logan, I am, and it has to be my choice, just like my father said to me on the way home. Since he's already eighteen, we can get the papers signed tomorrow. If we sign the papers. And then we'll have to call the school to get our living arrangements swapped for partnered living instead of single, so when we get there, it will just be us, together, in one small space.
Logan will see me naked.
My stomach flips, but not in the usual way as my body heats up. This is not the response I expected from that thought. Stepping in front of the mirror, my eyes skim my body. I'm in jeans and a pink t-shirt I found when I dumped out my closet. It's a little tight, and I raise my hands to rest on my head, allowing it to rise up a bit, showing off my flat stomach. But it's my breasts I'm more concerned with. I had been hoping they would be more prominent by the time someone saw me naked, but now they don't even amount to a handful. I shouldn't care, but for some reason I do. Probably because Lilly developed much faster than me, and I got to watch as both boys and girls ogled her in the halls at school. There was a decided lack of ogling at me, especially by Logan.
"I'll have to see him naked."
That last thought is spoken to my reflection, and my body heats up more. I mean, the boy is not ugly, that's for sure. He wasn't what you'd call ripped, but he did have a good body from what I could tell. He was pretty anal about sunscreen and wearing swim shirts and wet-suits, saying his movie-star mom was always worried about skin cancer and wrinkles (but not necessarily in that order.) The only time I ever saw him naked was when he ran into the sea, the night he and Lilly and Duncan went skinny-dipping. I sat on a rock, with my hands over my eyes in protest that they were doing this to me, but I did manage to see Logan's muscular butt cheeks catch the ironic full moonlight as he ran towards the sea. He must have known that I was watching because he tossed a wink over his shoulder at me that night like he was proud to be showing off. The cheeky bugger.
"And I'll be Ms. Cheeky Bugger."
My face contorts, and I stick out my tongue at my reflection. Veronica Mars and the high school Psychotic Jackass were joined in union. Ms. Psychotic Jackass, I presume? Table for the Jackass family? All rise for Judge Jackass.
"Ugggghhhhh."
Stepping back until my legs hit the edge of the bed, I drop back onto the pile of clothes on the mattress and let out another groan of emotional distress as I cross my arms over my eyes. Lilly was absolutely thrilled with her match. Why the hell did Orwell choose to torture me?
"Veronica!"
My dad is calling out through the house, which means the Echolls must be here. I will myself to roll off the clothes and stand, taking another quick look in the mirror before shuffling off through the door. My bedroom is towards the back of the house on the main floor, and as I come down the hallway, I can hear Mr. Echolls projecting as if he was on stage in a theatre.
"Well, this is certainly a momentous day for our families, isn't it, Keith?"
"Why yes, yes it is, Aaron." Dad glances at me over his shoulder and clears his throat as I enter the room, stopping near the archway into the living room.
Ignoring everyone in the room, my eyes lock on Logan, and he holds my gaze for a split second before he looks away, his face heating up as he shoves his hands in his pockets.
He's as terrified of all this as I am.
The anger and confusion that was festering in my belly subsides slightly as I approach him, and it's not until I'm standing next to my father that Logan looks up again.
"Hey."
"Hey."
Awkward silence spreads through the room, and all the eyes of the parents fall directly on me. I feel like they're all waiting for me to hug him or kiss him or do something to give them all an indication that I want to go through with this match.
Glancing around the room, I finally notice Aaron, holding a giant bottle of what looks to be champagne, and the thought of how on earth he got those dances through my head. Lynn and my mom already have drinks in their hands, and I wonder if Mom made herself a drink the minute we got home or if she poured them in anticipation of Lynn's arrival?
"Um…can we talk…privately? In my room?" I refocus on Logan for the moment, figuring the adults could take care of themselves.
Am I one of the adults now?
"Yes!" Logan exclaims, but as he moves towards me, his father's hand clamps down on his shoulder, halting his movement.
The giant toothy smile Aaron flashes sends a shiver down my spine. I can't quite place why, but there is something…ominous…as he stares at me, smiling but with piercing, almost probing, eyes.
"Now, Veronica…I know that there is a big decision to be made, but let me say that Lynn and I are in full support of Logan's acceptance of this match."
My dad clears his throat and steps closer, angling himself between Aaron and me in just such a way that makes me feel protected. Protected from what, I'm still not sure.
"And Veronica knows that her mother and I are completely in support of her if she does or does not approve of this match, Aaron."
And there it was. For a split second, I see a flash of rage cross Aaron's face before it subsides. It was the same look I saw on Logan's face once or twice when he got a little too worked up in debate club. But never did I think he would harm me or whomever he was arguing with. I'm not so sure about Aaron, though.
Reaching out my hand, I offer it to Logan, and he takes it, sweaty palm to mine, and his fingers nearly crush my hand as I pull him ever so gently away from Aaron's grasp.
"We'll be back. Everyone start drinking without us."
With a glance back at my mom, then my dad, I continue to pull Logan down the hallway and into my room, quickly closing the door behind me. Removing my hand from his, I wipe our combined sweat off on my jeans as he walks further away from the door, trying to step around the clothes on my floor, and I follow. Meeting him towards the back of my room near my open closet, where I'm sure no one can hear our conversation from the other side of the door.
"What the hell, Logan?" I hiss, poking him in the shoulder with my finger, and he flinches.
"What the hell? I don't know what the hell! Why are you asking me? I'm not Orwell."
"I thought you put down that you wanted a polyamorous relationship?"
"Oh. That." He crosses his arms and looks away, his cheeks growing red. "I lied."
"Pft. Obviously!" My voice starts to rise, and I mentally dial it back a bit. "Why did you lie?"
"I don't know! We were sixteen and hanging out with our friends, and when Dick said he wanted two women, I thought that it would sound cooler than just a plain, old monogamous match with a girl."
"Jesus, Logan! I mean, I can see why Dick put that down because frankly, it's going to get two women nagging him for the rest of his life for him to actually do anything set out for him, but why did you have to copy it?"
"Do you want an answer other than because I was sixteen and horny all the time and thought that two women in my bed forever would be a really nice fantasy?"
"Ughhhh…." My head lolls back as my palms cover my eyes. I fight the urge not to call him an idiot.
"Look, I may have said it, but I didn't actually do it because that's really not what I want. What I do want is one person, a woman, to be my partner for the rest of my life, okay? Are you happy that I want the usual, hetero-normative relationship that has brought us to, well, this?"
He sweeps his hands in front of him, and for a second, I remember my room is utterly trashed, and he's standing in the middle of it. But that's not the issue at hand. I decide to ignore his rhetorical question and move on with my questioning.
"Okay…so you lied about that…" I begin to pace, making sure not to get too close to the door or too far from Logan as my mind turns. "Is there anything else I should know that you've lied about before I make my decision?"
He runs his fingers through his hair and gives a huff of frustration, and I know enough about him to know that whatever he's about to say is going to be big, so I stop and wait, chewing on my thumbnail as he takes his sweet-ass time getting to it.
"I…Lilly and I…" Another huff and a sigh and he focuses on me with this super intense look, and I think one of us will burst into flames before he starts speaking again. "Lilly and I used to have sex, and we kept it from you, because, well…we didn't think you'd approve."
My mouth goes dry as my lips part, unable to say anything. Lilly. And. Logan. Sex. My brain cannot connect the pieces.
"We both knew that it could only be sex because, well, Orwell has the final decision on who we are matched with, which is why we kept it from you. It was just fun." He crosses his arms again and looks away. "I mean, yeah, I may have had some feelings for her, but she was also fooling around with Molly Fitzpatrick, so she clearly was just in it for the experience more than anything."
"But then...what was the point?" I finally have found my words, but they are strained and bitter. "Why do it then? I don't know anyone who has sex before their match because, like you said, what's the point? I mean, what if you fell in love, or got pregnant, or caught some sort of disease like the ones we learned about from before the war...the ones that ate at your brain! Seriously, Logan, was it worth the risks?"
Logan purses his lips, nodding his head slowly, as a grin creeps across his face.
"Veronica...everything good worth trying is worth the risks. The problem is, you've never wanted to try. You've always been content to be wherever the world or your parents or the government has placed you." He steps toward me, and my pulse quickens at the proximity. "The question now is whether you think I'm worth the risk."
I've suddenly forgotten how to breathe as Logan looks down on me from his natural height, a foot taller and at least several inches broader. For a second, the softness in his eyes makes me think he'll kiss me, but he makes no move.
"I'm not forcing you to accept me, Veronica. I'll never force you to do anything you don't want. But if you choose, we can sign the papers and go off to college and live a very chaste life together. If that means for the rest of our lives, I'm fine to continue this life with you as your friend who happens to live with you. And if we get to the point where you eventually want more, then that's fine too. But I want you to know, I'll respect you and your decisions, Veronica."
For a moment, my brain is lulled into beautiful contentment by his words before I start thinking again.
"Force me? To do what?"
He chuckles in a way that makes me think I said something ironic, and he shakes his head.
"Veronica...do you really think Meg Manning willingly chose to uproot her life and move to be with someone?"
Actually, I did, but I say nothing.
"I do believe most people are appropriately matched in scientific theory, but the reality is our society has put us in the hands of some man-made fates that are being enabled by people who give it too much credence. In this case, Duncan overheard Meg's mother tell his mother that they forced her to accept the match and continue in the partnership, because it was 'Orwell's will', even though her partner was forcing her to do some pretty strange things in the bedroom."
"But that's illegal...she can report him!"
Logan tosses up his hands and shrugs. "That's up to her. If no one knows, it isn't happening. Even the gossip is just hearsay if she's too afraid to tell."
Naive. Logan and Lilly always tease me about being so naive. I thought all the reading and research I did taught me so much, but right now, I feel like I know nothing.
"You have twenty-four hours to decide, Veronica, so it doesn't have to be right now. Think about it—whether you want to stay single for the rest of your life or be with me? It's all up to you."
With that, he steps past me, trying to avoid the piles on the floor again as he makes his way to the door. On the way, he stops, noticing the collection of underwear on the ground and smirks, shaking his head.
"Wait! I have one more question." Slowly, I follow, kicking clothes out of my path as I move towards him. "Kids. Do you want to have kids?"
"Well," he licks his lips and gets that jackass grin that I know so well and I realize I'm in trouble. "That assumes that you'll consent to us having sex in the future."
The thought of us lying naked in bed together flashes through my head. I hope he can't see as my skin flushes, but I don't move, don't change my expression. I don't want him to see what he's done to me as heat pools in my belly.
He continues with a chuckle and a nod. "Someday, yes, I would actually like to have a kid, but not until we're both ready."
With that, he continues on his way, opening the door and walking into the hallway. The voices outside the door quiet, and I wonder if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
I give myself a moment to let my colour return to normal before following him back into the living room and I realize everyone is now talking in hushed tones, champagne glasses in hand. Aaron's hand is on Logan's shoulder again, and I can feel the tension between them as I approach.
"I've made my decision." The words spring so quickly from my lips that I shock myself, and I have to pause to catch my thoughts.
"Yes, Veronica. What have you decided?" My father steps away from my mother, his eyes wide with concern.
"I've decided to go through with the match." I exhale. "We can sign the papers tomorrow and leave for college on Friday night as planned."
Aaron claps his hands, laughing loudly, and my father jumps slightly, jolted from whatever he is thinking.
"Wonderful! This is fantastic!" Aaron continues, raising his glass. "And after, I will pay for you both to spend the next day at the Neptune Hotel, so you can both get to know each other better."
"Jesus, Dad." Logan runs his hand over his face, obviously embarrassed by his father's offer.
"Oh, Aaron." Lynn giggles drunkenly, and my mother hides her grin.
The only one not laughing in the family is my father. Instead, he's glancing from Logan to Aaron and back to me. I can feel him asking me silently: is this really the family you want to join with?
My stomach flips, then flops, and I really, really need a drink. I avoid my father's eyes by walking over to the coffee table in the middle of the living room with the alcohol sitting on top and begin to pour the champagne into one of the two flutes beside it. Once I'm done with mine, I pour the other and pick it up along with mine and turn to offer it to Logan. Relief passes across his face, and he comes over to take it from me. With his back to the rest of the room, he nods as he takes the glass from me and gives me a tight smile.
"Thank you."
And I know he probably means for the alcohol, but I feel like it's also for accepting the match. Gathering myself, I reach out and take his hand. He gives my fingers a little squeeze before his hand relaxes into a comfortable grip.
So maybe Mr. and Ms. Not-So-Jackass then.