December 23 - 26, 1992
December blew in with harsh winds and bitter cold. The first term ended, and most of the children went home for the Holidays. The Hogwarts halls were drafty and still.
The evening of December 23, Sirius rode up to the gates of Hogwarts on his motorbike. Death Eater activity had been so nonexistent lately that he'd managed to get several days off to spend Christmas with the Potters – his first Christmas off since he began working for the Ministry. But before he could go home, he had an errand to run.
He couldn't help the flood of memories that greeted him as he entered the castle – he never could. They crowded on him thick and fast, and he let them come with a smile. If he listened hard enough, he could still hear dungbombs going off at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall, or Filch shouting at four boys who had their whole lives ahead of them. But he didn't waste time reminiscing. He only had an hour before he picked Callie up.
He knew the way like the back of his hand. The number of times he'd had to traverse it! A few of the paintings on the way recognized him. A princess from the 1500s tried to chat him up. He flashed her a smile but didn't slow his pace. He could remember stopping mid-prank several times to tease her, just to get under James and Remus' skin.
Sooner than he'd thought, he stood in front of the door bearing the words M. McGonagall, Transfigurations Professor.
"In trouble again, Black?" The picture of an ancient doctor measuring potions grinned at him from the opposite wall.
Sirius smirked back. "Maybe. We'll see." He knocked.
He heard her invitation, and smiled a little before pushing the door open. She looked up, and her mouth instantly became the thinnest of thin lines. But she couldn't fool him. He saw the sparkle in her eyes, too.
"Mr. Black," she said. "I don't remember you making an appointment. What do you want?"
Sirius closed the door behind him. "Carrier advice?" he offered with a smile and a shrug of his shoulders.
McGonagall was not amused. "Out of my office, Black."
Sirius chuckled. "Only half joking." He gestured toward the chair in front of her desk. "May I sit?"
She nodded curtly and turned back to her stack of parchment. She scratched out a few more symbols.
"Are you busy?" Sirius asked, leaning forward to see what she was writing.
"What does it look like?" She flipped the papers over and finally regarded him. "Why are you here? It must be important for you to disrupt my grading."
"It is." Sirius paused, words failing him suddenly. What was he doing? Why was he there? "Well, you see, Professor…" He trailed off, fumbling to collect his threads of thought.
"It's not like you to be tongue-tied, Mr. Black," McGonagall commented.
"It's about Callie." Sirius stopped there. He really wasn't sure how to do this.
"Miss Potter?" She didn't look surprised in the slightest. "What about her?"
Sirius hesitated. "Well… I think I'm in love with her."
McGonagall held back a smile and peered at him over the rims of her glasses. Her tone was softer when she responded. "You think you love her? Do better."
He looked at his old professor and found himself encouraged by the slight change in her expression. She always had held him to such a high standard, and by Merlin, he was thankful for it. "Alright." He chuckled. "I know I'm in love with her."
She leaned back in her chair, posture still straight as an arrow. "I see. And you want advice on how to handle it?"
"Well… not exactly. I mean, yes, of course I want advice, but… that's not really why I'm here." He paused, waiting for encouragement to go on. McGonagall nodded slightly, and he continued. "Professor, you know me… probably better than anyone. Other than James, Lils, and Remus, of course." He paused, taking a deep breath. "Do you think…" He stopped again. The question he so desperately wanted an answer to was so close to his deepest, ugliest fears that getting it out was like ripping off a Band-Aid or pulling out a splinter.
McGonagall could guess what was on his mind. She'd seen those grey eyes clouded with inner turmoil enough times to recognize the vulnerability and self-hatred in them. But he was an adult now, and he had to ask these questions for himself. She wouldn't offer an answer until he verbally asked for one.
She reached into a drawer and drew out a tin, placing it between them. "Have a biscuit, Black."
He took his favorite, encouraged by the gesture. He nibbled on it, barely tasting it, fumbling for a way to explain himself. "They raised me," he said, whispered voice shaking. "They raised me, and they tortured me. My mother and father couldn't even bring themselves to love –actually love – their own kids. They were… monsters." He tore his eyes from the floor and looked right her. Begging, pleading, for the answer to the question he dreaded asking. "Professor… am I too much like them? Is there too much of the Black family in me?"
"Why do you think that, Sirius?"
Sirius swallowed hard. "I feel it. That… hatred. The pride. I hate them. I hate the whole bloody lot of those stupid Death Eaters. I hate what they stand for, what they do." He paused, collecting himself. "And I've killed some of them. And god knows even in school… I'd have killed Snape that time and let Moony pay the price if James hadn't…" His voice broke and he had to look away to pull himself together.
McGonagall watched him. He'd always been such a proud boy, carrying so much darkness inside him. But, Merlin help her, she didn't think there was a single student she'd ever taught that she was prouder of. He carried more guilt and pain that anyone realized, maybe even himself, and yet he was capable of more love and compassion than he knew. He'd protected little Remus so fiercely, after all, and stood up for Peter.
She let him continue.
"What if… what if one day it overtakes me? What if I can't be that person that she deserves? What if I fail her, like I failed Remus… like I failed Peter?" He paused at this confession of guilt over the death of his friend, and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Minnie… is there too much darkness in me? Do I have it in me to make her happy? To protect her? To… love her?"
The desperation in his voice broke her heart. McGonagall removed her glasses and polished them on her robes to hide the tears forming in her eyes. When she looked back at him, she saw that young boy, no older than eleven, desperately seeking an answer for why he was placed in Gryffindor. She struggled to find the words to make this man believe, deep in the very depths of his soul, what she knewto be true.
"Sirius," she said, voice matter-of-fact but gentle. "The world isn't split into good and evil. All of us hold both light and darkness inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on."
"Mr. Potter told me that," Sirius said. Clearly he was hoping for a bit more.
"Yes, I know." She straightened her glasses. "I knew Fleamont and Euphemia well. You could never meet kinder or wiser people than the Potters. They both saw people both for who they were and who they could be." She paused again, pulling an old memory to the surface. "Halfway through your third year at Hogwarts, I met with the Potters to discuss James' antics. They were neither surprised nor disappointed that he got into so much trouble. When our talk was nearly ended, they asked about you. They informed me in no uncertain terms that you were every bit their son as James was, and they should take responsibility for your actions, too."
Sirius' eyes widened in astonishment. He'd never heard this story before. His chest clenched.
"Walburga and Orion Black were not the only people who raised you, Sirius. Fleamont and Euphemia had an impact, too. As did James and Remus and Peter. As did I, I like to think. You are made of more than the Black family. You've proven that countless times.
"I have never come across a more worthy man in my life. I know full well how much Black there is in you, Sirius, and again and again you have chosen what is good and right and decent. You've made many mistakes, but you always do what you can to right them. You're a Gryffindor through and through." She nodded for emphasis.
Sirius' eyes stung. He wasn't sure what to say, how to respond. Deep down, he'd been expecting the opposite answer. No, Mr. Black, you're not worth your salt. And here she was, telling him he was a decent person.
McGonagall looked right at him and leaned forward, hands cross on her desk. "Sirius, you love more deeply than anyone I've seen. Yes, I think you deserve Miss Potter. Yes, I think you will make her very happy."
Sirius stared at her for a full ten seconds. He smiled vaguely and either laughed or sobbed; he wasn't sure which. "Really?" he asked, breathless.
She gave him one of her rare, proud smiles, and nodded. "Yes, Sirius, really."
He leaned back and gave a short, surprised bark of laughter. His face slowly broke into a relieved grin. "Don't worry; I won't tell James you like me best." He winked cheekily.
"You might want to inform Potter of how you feel about his sister."
Sirius wilted slightly. "Oh… yeah."
"You know how he is, Sirius. He'll want it to come from you directly, and sooner rather than later."
"D'you think he'll be okay with it?"
"I'm sure I don't know. That's a risk you'll have to take. But no one thinks better of you than Potter; he'll come around."
He grinned. "Well, worst case scenario, I'll just tell him what you said, Minnie."
McGonagall sighed in annoyance. And just like that, he was back. "Enough with that infernal nickname, Black!"
"I know you love it." He grinned. Before she realized what was happening, he leaned forward and pecked her cheek before leaping back and opening the door.
She rolled her eyes fondly and pulled her parchment back to her.
Sirius stopped at the door and looked back over his shoulder. With a genuine smile, just loud enough for her to hear, he said, "Thank you."
She gave a curt nod. "You've welcome, Sirius."
He grinned and sprang out of the door, closing it politely behind him. Once outside, he checked his watch. He'd be a few minutes early, but that was okay. He jogged up the steps, taking them two at a time, feeling lighter than he had in months.
He heard voices when passing the Defense against the Dark Arts classroom and peered inside. Callie leaned against her desk with a small, blond-haired boy sitting next to her.
"You know, Draco," she was saying, "you're not your father. You're free to be whoever you want to be."
Draco had a sour look on his face, like he didn't believe her. "Father wants me to follow in his footsteps. I want to make him proud, but it's not easy when he isn't even home."
He saw Callie smile a little. "I know someone very like you."
He looked up, interested. "What happened to him?"
"He's the greatest man I know."
Sirius turned the knob and walked inside the room. "Hey, Cal. You almost ready to take off?"
Callie saw him and her eyes lit up. "Sirius! We were just talking-"
"Sirius?" the boy spat. "Sirius Black!?"
Sirius looked at the kid, raising an eyebrow at his tone. "The one and only. Who are you?"
"You locked my father in Azkaban!"
Like magic, it clicked. This kid must be a Malfoy, Narcissa's boy. So technically his second cousin or something. What was he supposed to say to that? Callie looked uncomfortable. She'd heard Lucius was locked up, but she'd had no idea Sirius had been the one to catch him.
"Well… yes, I believe I did. You must be Draco."
Draco grit his teeth, expression red and flaming. "My father was a good man, and you locked him away!"
"Was he?" The words were out before Sirius had time to think. "Was he a good man?"
Callie glared at Sirius, but Draco froze. His eyes went wide, then slowly narrowed. He didn't know what to say. The conflict showed in his eyes.
Sirius looked at him penetratingly. In a lot of ways, it felt like looking in a mirror. "Draco," he said, "you have to take charge of your own life. If you don't truly believe in what your family stands for, you have to ask questions and find your own answers."
Draco didn't know what to say. His gaze turned to the floor.
"Draco," Callie said gently. "Sirius and I are going home to my brother's house for Christmas. Would you like to join us?"
He shook his head. "No. My mother won't know where I am."
Sirius smirked. "I know your mother. She's my cousin. I can send her an owl."
"Absolutely not. She'll think I'm turning into… you!"
Sirius couldn't argue with that. None of his cousins thought he was exactly world class. And Narcissa probably did blame him for her husband's incarceration. "Alright. Fair point."
Callie pushed off the desk. "Will you be okay?"
Draco nodded proudly. "Of course." He walked right to the door with the air of knocking the dust off his shoes but he stopped once there. Without turning around, he said, "Thanks, Professor." He walked away before either of them could respond.
Callie looked after him sadly. "That kid has it rough. His father's in Azkaban, and his mother doesn't want him home for Christmas."
"His father's a Death Eater. I'd be more concerned with that, Love. Are you ready to go?"
She sighed heavily. "Yeah. Let's go."
They walked together to her room, gathered her bags, and left the castle. It had begun to snow, filling the grounds with the silence of deep winter. A thin layer had already covered the ground. She saw the bike and grinned.
"We're taking the bike?"
"She's a little rough. I need to work on her." Sirius took her bags and set them securely in the side car. He pulled out a thick leather jacket, be-spelled to hold up against the chill of December air, and tossed it to her. He swung a leg over the seat and offered her his hand. She smiled, took the hand he offered, and swung astride the bike behind him.
"You don't want me in the sidecar?" she asked, pulling the jacket on. It was far too big for her, but she didn't mind.
She could hear the smirk in his voice as he replied, "You wouldn't fit! You brought too many bags."
Callie had a feeling he just liked her arms around him. He revved the engine, bringing the metal to life. "Hold tight!" he yelled over the noise.
No sooner had her arms locked around him then the bike sped off. Down the path they tore, the buildings of Hogsmead rising up before them. He drove straight for the first building. Closer and closer it came, until Callie actually began to get worried that they might hit it. Fifty feet… twenty… ten…
She braced herself, clutching him tighter, and shut her eyes. She felt the bike pull straight up, shooting up like a rocket. The air whipped around her. It was exhilarating.
She hadn't flown, actually flown, in a long time.
The adrenaline tore an excited, happy laugh from her. Sirius smiled.
He performed all manner of complicated moves, defying the laws of physics. He was so obviously showing off, but Callie couldn't find enough breath in her lungs to scold him for it. He flew like it was his last day on earth.
Despite leaving early, they arrived at the Potter's nearly half an hour late. Remus was already there, seated on the couch, legs crossed, reading a book to Minerva. Lily came out of the kitchen long enough to greet them. She cast a discerning eye between them, taking in their rumpled clothes and messy hair.
Sirius read her thoughts and laughed. "Relax, Lils; nothing like that. We took the motorbike."
"I swear to Merlin, that bike will get you killed one day."
Warm, familial greetings were exchanged before Callie and Sirius had time to shed their coats. Backs were slapped, jokes were made, and the Holidays began at last. Sirius, Callie, and Remus would stay through the twenty-seventh. It was a time to relax, to be home, to feel whole. To appreciate having a family. To remember they weren't alone.
Christmas came in a flurry of snow and presents. Harry and Minerva jumped out of bed at the crack of dawn, followed closely by James and Sirius, who seemed just as excited as the children. After presents, they had the biggest and best snowball fight of the year, followed by hot chocolate provided by Remus. They sat by the fire after dinner, singing carols until their throats were hoarse. They went off to bed one by one, until only James, Sirius, and Remus were left. Shoulders rubbed against each other, Remus in the middle with James and Sirius on either side. Sitting on the floor with their backs to the couch, they relaxed into an easy silence.
"I can't remember the last Christmas we all had together," James muttered into the stillness.
Remus smiled a little sadly. "I do. It was Harry's first Christmas."
Sirius laughed. "Yeah. Wormtail insisted he put the star on the tree despite being the shortest person there."
"He could such an idiot," Remus sighed fondly.
James stretched out his bottle of Butterbeer, raising it into the air. "To Wormtail."
Two other glasses clinked against the first. Three bottles were drained and three new bottles were brought out.
After all of those years, the number three felt strange. Incomplete.
The fire popped and hissed. The clock on the wall chimed the hour: one in the morning.
"How much longer do you think we'll be here, Padfoot?" James asked.
Sirius sighed. "It shouldn't be too long now. Thanks to your sister, every Horcrux is gone but one and You-Know-Who is running scared. We just have to find him."
"How does Hogwarts look?" Remus' eyes were still trained on the fire.
Sirius smiled absently. "Beautiful. It hasn't changed at all."
"At least one thing hasn't," James muttered. "Marlene is still in hiding, right?"
"Yes, we're keeping your Secret Keeper safe."
Time stretched on in comfortable silence until finally, a redhead poked around the corner of the stairs.
"James?" she called. "Are you coming to bed or not?"
Sirius grinned. "I believe your master is calling you, Prongs."
James reached around Remus and gave Sirius a light kick. "Very funny. She's not my master."
"James!"
"Coming, dear!" James shot his friends a dirty look as they sniggered. "You're both staying tomorrow night, right?"
"Not if you're planning revenge," Remus replied with a smirk.
"We can move the party to my place if Prongs gets his antlers in a twist," Sirius promised, grinning at James.
James laughed, but shoved them both gently on his way out of the room. They distinctly heard something (probably James) hit the bedroom door after it was closed.
Sirius chuckled. "Ah, marital bliss."
Remus laughed at that, and the two sank back into a comfortable stillness. The only sounds came from the ticking of the clock and the cracking of the fire.
"Congratulations," Remus said at last.
Sirius chuckled. "For what? I haven't done anything heroic in the last five minutes."
"For you and Callie."
Taken off guard, Sirius stiffened and glanced over. Remus was looking at him out of the corner of his eyes, smiling. Sirius sighed and relaxed again, looking back at the fire.
"How could you tell?"
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was the brushing of her thigh under the table, or always picking the seat next to each other, or insisting she be on your team in the snowball fight, or-"
"Alright, alright, I get it! I'm not subtle."
Remus chuckled. "You never have been, Padfoot."
"Do you think James knows?"
"Considering he was pretty quick to stick you in Harry's room and Callie in Minerva's, yes, I'd say he at least suspects."
Sirius cursed and leaned his head back in defeat. "Great. Bloody great."
Remus chuckled to himself. "Honestly, I'm surprised you've kept it a secret for so long. I didn't think you had this much self-control."
"Neither did I, mate."
"How far have you gone?"
Sirius shrugged. "Not far." He saw Remus' surprise, and explained. "I know Mr. and Mrs. Potter didn't approve of premarital sex. I want to do right by them."
Remus' eyes narrowed in suspicious, trying to detect a lie. But Sirius seemed perfectly serious. Remus chuckled a little in disbelief. "You know, Padfoot, I do believe you've grown up."
Sirius feigned hurt. "Me? A grownup? Don't ever say anything that ridiculous again, Moony."
"I mean it," he emphasized.
"Well… thanks, I guess."
Remus nodded and took a sip of Butterbeer. "How long have you two been together? Officially, I mean. Everyone knows you've fancied each other for years."
Sirius ran a hand through his hair, but didn't reply to the innocent jab. "It's hard to say. There wasn't a definite date."
"How did it happen, then?"
Sirius looked suspicious. "You really want to hear about this?"
"Well, I figured you probably haven't been able to boast to anyone about this yet, so you should probably get it out of your system before you explode."
Sirius laughed. "Fair enough." He thought for a moment. "I guess… since Peter's funeral. I took her home with me because I didn't think she should be alone, and we comforted each other. We shared my bed and… I don't know. Something changed." He paused, washing a lump in his throat down with more Butterbeer.
"What changed?" Remus pressed.
"I kept seeing her in that coffin. Every night and at least three times a day, I'd see her. So I started using every excuse I could find to check on her. Just to ease my mind." He chuckled uncomfortably, blushing a little in embarrassment. "Sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it?"
"In this day in age, Padfoot?" Remus asked quietly. "No, it doesn't."
Sirius smiled a little in thanks. "Well, I found every excuse to see her at Hogwarts, and it was great because I could watch Harry play Quidditch at the same time." He paused, and a small, easy smile graced his face as he thought about the times he got to see her. "I really don't know when it started."
"When did you know? That you loved her, I mean."
"When did I know?" He chuckled. "Oh, Circe, so long ago." He thought about it for a moment. "I think I suspected it when we brought in the Carrow siblings. I was dueling Amycus, and Callie knocked him off the roof. He was plummeting to his death, and I was going to let him, too. And she just… jumped over the roof and grabbed him and saved his bloody life. Just like that. And then she looked me dead in the eye and said, 'We don't kill people.' Can you believe that?"
Remus chuckled. "That sounds like something James would say."
"Doesn't it just? She's a wonder; she really is. Her dueling skill is incredible. She fought bloody You-Know-Who and won! Can you believe that? He was right in her face and she just…"
Sirius trailed off. What was it Callie had said? Narcissa didn't want Draco home from Christmas? Why on earth would she not want her own son home for…?
He cursed and stood excitedly. "That's it. That's it! How could we have missed that!?"
Alarmed, Remus' brow furrowed. "What? What's it?"
"You-Know-Who!" Sirius grinned. "I know where he is!"