Hey All, John Here. I've wanted to do this fic for a while, but it's going take a long time to get chapters done. In fact, I am making history, because
(We open outside of a house with Deck The Halls playing in the background, before we cut to a certain Rose sitting at her desk.)
Ruby: Hey All, Ruby Here, and boy do I have a beef with the National Calender Society, months are opinions not statements. So, welcome to the month of (Ruby Gestures to the calendar) Bluth. You see, I was always bummed there were no holidays leading up to Christmas, December is just a month of filler, with a climax at the very end. So, I effectively moved the first 23 days of December into its month, Bluth, with tons of new holidays. (Cut to the Calendar)
Ruby (V.O): Today just so happens to be "Why is Ruby wearing that hat day?" (Ruby, now wearing a Fedora, just shrugs.) The only problem with Bluth, is that the last 6 days are reserved strictly for empathy. (Cut back to Ruby.)
Ruby: Well I have some time to kill before Christmas, and what better way to do it is to look through some mail. (Opens a Letter that an invitation says V.A.G) I'm sold. (Cut to the A Very Madden 08 Christmas opening, Before cutting to Ruby outside a garage. Ruby looks at the invitation again, now saying the place is at The building next to the gray road.) Yep this the one. (Ruby comes inside to see a certain Ice Cream Girl sitting on a bucket. Smiling) Always happens to me. (Turns her attention to the other members, A familiar Heiress and cute robot) Ah, Hey All, Ruby Here!
Weiss: Hey Ruby, All Here. My name's Weiss Schnee and this my assistant Penny. Welcome to the 3rd annual (Cut to Ruby's Invitation) Vegan's Anonymous Gathering.
Penny: Got a big turnout this year. (Neo just waves excitedly)
Ruby: So, is this like a confession, cult or a meeting?
Weiss: Alright so we got a little from column A, a little from column 3, and a whole lot of the cult column. You see, at this time of year there sure is a lot of dairy in the air so we really got to come together this Christmas.
Penny: It's hell.
Weiss: Wanna join the resistance?
Ruby: Well anything to beef up my resume's cult section. (Penny walks up to Ruby, unzips Ruby's jacket, to reveal that she wears a Half Gallon of milk on her shirt. Penny and Weiss overlap in disgusted reactions, while Neo just looks shocked.) Listen, I didn't wanna walk out of the house without this thing and constantly ask myself what if!
Weiss: Well, well that is what they all say.
Ruby: Girls, I swear, I wasn't planning anything nefarious. Let me make it up to you, by spreading Christmas cheer the only way I know how.
Weiss: I don't know, it's pretty hard to trust someone after a stunt like that. To me you're basically wearing a racial slur on your shirt.
Ruby: Thank you. But come on, give a chance, it's impossible to not crack a smile while pummelining through Madden 08.
Penny: Holy Sh*t, there's a Madden 08?! (Cut to footage of Madden 08)
Ruby (V.O): I know, I said the same thing when I first saw this game. "The eighth Madden? Surely, they truly have run out of ideas at this point." But once I saw the Opening Cinematic, I knew I wasn't in for the Eighth Madden, I was in for Madden 08.
EA Sports Announcer: E.A Sports, It's in the Game.
Ruby (V.O): It sure is. The opening here cuts in between Real life footage and in game graphics, showing us just how real Madden 08 is, jamming it in our skulls the question, "Who wants it more?" and Two Brothers Christ guys, my hand is as far up as it goes, I do, I do, I do. After the NFL logo has some heart palpitations, we're then greeted to... (Cut to the Madden 08 Splash Screen, Ruby Sighs) Welcome back old friend. The Madden Series, based off of the hit book (Shows the bible) and later adapted into a head coach, finally turned into video game franchise extraordinaire. (Multiple Maddens are shown, before stopping on Madden 08) It's truly one of the most successful game franchises out there even though I consider it to be a one hit wonder. Madden 08 was officially released to the public on August 15, 2007, on the PC, Playstation 2, Playstation 3, Playstation Portable, Nintendo Gamecube, Wii, Nintendo DS, Xbox and Xbox 360. With a Mac Version following soon on September 1st, 2007, which means us true Madden 08 Fans disregard it hard. But you're probably yelling "tell me something I don't know!" (Cut to the Xbox 360 version of the Game.) We're taking a look at the Xbox 360 version here, which many consider to be the best of the bunch, but I personally couldn't choose just one, they're all great. But before we get in too deep, spoiler alert, for my favorite team I'm going with the Chiefs, I love Kid Cuisine, (Cut to the main menu)and who says that Video Games aren't art? The eighth time's the charm, because we truly have a trifecta going on here. Go to the left we have all the trophies, go to the middle we have all the class rings I refuse to buy at Beacon, and a sharp right we have an empty closet for expansion. Madden 08 is the video game to really redefine the Madden 08 Genre, we play as the titular character Madden 08, on his trek to get from here all the way over there, with a football included in there somewhere. Seems simple but we have so many roadblocks in our way, such as him, him and even (show the referee) him. Some of the most iconic antagonists in all of media. Like many great games, the concept is simple but has a lot of depth. So many strategies are put into place before you can move, you can even ask a special guest star for advice on what to do exactly, y'know John Madden refused to put his name on the franchise unless it was as realistic as possible, that's interesting, so real football players can ask the Ghost of John Madden for advice, can't wait to unlock him as a playable character. Let's get into the game, literally! In the My Madden Section, we have to bang out our custom player. Everybody please welcome Hidden Valley, hailing from Tucson, Arizona, and his favorite color* is Auburn (*It's actually his college.). Checking out his stats, Hidden Valley has the stiffest arm in the county and very little else. But what's Hidden Valley without his team, The Clacks! We can customise the Jersey Color, Helmet Color, Number Color, EA You've done it again. Madden 08 lives out my fantasy of owning a football stadium called the Clackdome. (Cut back to Ruby, Weiss and Penny)
Penny: Wait, is this vegan?
Weiss: Sure is a whole lot of pigskin for this to be vegan.
Ruby: Well, if that doesn't do anything for you, we can move on to another version. (Cut to the Gamecube Version of Madden 08)
Ruby (V.O): Next we have 2007's game of the year runner up, Madden 08 on the Gamecube. Not as fully featured as it's Xbox 360 counterpart, but if you can spell competency right now, surely you're getting it on Madden 08 on the Gamecube. It was the last game on the console and what a way to piss out. You see this is the kind of game that needs to be rereleased in HD on current game consoles, and if a rerelease does well enough we'll see a sequel to Madden 08. (Cut back to The girls)
Weiss: Wouldn't that be Madden 09-?
Ruby: No. (Cut back to the game)
Ruby (V.O): Madden 08 2, Madden 09 doesn't count, it was an overhyped, underwhelming, "Spiritual Successor" to a game that deserved far more. Anyway, the Gamecube version has a drastically different user interface than the Xbox 360 Variant, but that doesn't make it any less magical, there's so much room for creativity, for example, here's Mr. Madden 08 running away from any number lower or higher than 08.
Penny: You know what I want to see, Madden 08 for the DS.
Ruby: Oh, I don't actually have it on DS.
Weiss: The DS version, you don't have the DS version?! You HAVE to have the DS version!
Ruby: I-I mean, if it makes any better we can move over to the Wii one.
Weiss: The Wii on-?! (Cut to Madden 08 on Wii)
Ruby (V.O): At long last, we can feel what it's like to Madden 08, with the Wii's Motion Control Capabilities. We can feel every Madden, Every 08, this is truly a milestone. This is one of more bare bones versions of the prophecy out on the market-Oh my gods, I can't say something like that, It's Madden 08 just a bit simplified. Diet Gods are still Gods. The Wii version has a Party Mode were everybody can join the craze. Only one Wii Remote is Required per player, and it makes everything easier to grasp. With only a few flicks you'll quickly understand that Madden 08 is Right not a Privilege. (Cut the Madden 08 Credits) The game is so smart on how it does everything, even the credits are smart, they have these pockets of blank so you have time to breathe between the list of deities that made this. And on top of that the music is phenomenal.
Ruby: Listen to that baby purr.
Penny: It's kinda f*cking dumb.
Ruby: Al-alright girls, Alright what's your deal with this why are you being so tart about this?
Weiss: Listen Ruby, Madden 08 doesn't really speak to us.
Ruby: Whoa, how did you know those are my 15 least favorite syllables in order?
Penny: The bulk of it is too much Madden, not about my needs.
Weiss: It's not really my thing.
Ruby: (beat) WHAT?!
Weiss: It's. Just. Too. Real.
Penny: Way too smooth, not for me at all.
Ruby: I-I just don't get it! It's Madden, and 2007, those two perfectly meld together, what more could you possibly want?!
Penny: I don't know, something better? (Then a certain monkey boy enters the garage holding...)
Sun: Hey girls, look what I got!
Penny: Holy Sh*t , is that Madden 09?!
Ruby: AHH! (In a fit of rage, she throws it across the room, breaking it. Neo just smiles at that. Ruby leaves and shoves Sun on the way out.)
Weiss: Two Brothers, Sun! What did tell you about the Madden 09 sh*t, we lose so many clients to that.
Penny: Where do you think she's going?
Weiss: I don't know, my guess would be a Target. (Just as Weiss predicted, cut to Target, where Ruby is looking for the Madden Section, where a familiar cat girl as a Wendy's Employee askes...)
Blake: Excuse me, miss, do you need any help?
Ruby: Uh, where's the Madden Isle?
Blake: Down the store to the right.
Ruby: Thanks, nice to see a Target employee knowing what they're doing.
Blake: Oh no, I don't work here, I just like helping people. (Ruby stares down at the copy of Madden 18, cut back to the Vegan Anonymous Gathering)
Weiss: Gods, I love vegan bread.
Penny: Pairs great with vegan coffee too.
Weiss: So vegan. (Ruby storms in and throws a trash bag filled with Madden 18 in the fridge) Ugh, not again. (She leaves and Penny tries to open the door to go after her, but...)
Penny: Ah, she locked it.
Weiss: Christmas is ruined.
Penny: Should we check the trash bag?
Weiss: Nah, that would be rude.
Penny: Yeah, you're right. (Cut back to Ruby at her desk.)
Ruby: Hey, I was diagnosed with Stealing Every Copy of Madden 18 from Target out of Spiteitus, because I just stole every copy of Madden 18 from Target out of spite. People need to realise there is only one Madden that matters. There's enough Madden in this world but not enough 08. (Cut to the TV playing a news report featuring a certain Drunkle as the reporter.)
Qrow: Hey everybody, this is a pre recorded news segment from August 2016. I'ma take a wild shot in the dark, and say that all of the copies of Madden 18 from Target are stolen. (Cut to a live feed of Qrow.) HOLY SH*T, I CALLED IT!
Ruby: Hey, we've gone viral! Of course, I doubt they'll ever find the stolen loot. The last place anybody ever checks is the white trash bag in the fridge at a Vegan's Anonymous Gathering. By the way, f*ck those girls. Let's play some more Madden 08. (Cut to a police station where a certain bunny girl is answering the phone)
Velvet: 911. What's your emergency? (Beat, before a familiar fashionista throws a stack of papers onto Velvet's Desk.) Yeah I'll call you back later. (Hangs up.)
Coco: Every single copy of Madden 18 is gone from Target. I think we need to get you-know-who on the case.
Velvet: Think it's worth her time?
Coco: Every. Single. Copy of Madden 18 is Gone. (Velvet picks up the phone and speed dials another officer)
Velvet: We got a mission for you. (Cut to a white background with a silhouette of a familiar arsonist is shown, she picks up her phone.)
Cinder: I'm on it. (Cue a 70s style Police show opening, Cinder Fall ) Officer Fall. Cinder Fall. (Cut to Cinder driving, presumably to the location of The Gathering. Cut back to Ruby)
Ruby (V.O): Gotta tackle the original Xbox version next. (Ruby attempts to play it on the 360 but with no success) Huh. (Cut to an Xbox 360 box with the notice "Not compatible with *Most 360 Games, *Madden 08) Really should've put a notice on the box before I bought this console. (Cut to the Original Xbox Version) Anyways, that means it's time to crank out the original Xbox for this bad boy. And man, this is...uh...Madden 08… kind of like most Madden's on the console. (Cut to the PS2 version of Madden 08) Let's move abruptly over to the Playstation 2 version...Which is Madden, alright. Playstation 3, it's… (Cut to various Madden 08s before ending on Madden 95) Madden, Madden, Madden, Madden! (Ruby gasps in shock. Beat) What have I become? (Cut to Ruby at her computer)
Ruby: Turning to WebMD, it turns out I'm diagnosed with most people itis, which means I'm numb to Madden 08's effects. It's just a phase however. Don't worry, I'll know the differences between each version of Madden 08, and what makes it better than all Madden's in no time. But to aid me in my recovery, I've always feared this would happen, so I have my "Just in case Madden 08 loses its edge" emergency bag on standby. (Cut to Ruby with said bag) This bag's scientifically proven to show me how well I had it off with Madden 08 being my only Madden of choice. (Picks Madden 07 for the Gamecube) Ew. (Throws it into the toilet. Then she picks out ESPN NFL Football for Xbox) This is just hilarious (tosses it aside, then picks up Madden 09 All Play for the Wii, gets flashbacks to when she lashed out at the vegans, and just gently places it on her desk. ) I dunno man, I just feel overwhelmed with…(cut to the word Anxiety with scary music playing) I can't really understand why…(notices a sheet of paper) Looks like I got a postcard! (Greetings from Imprisonment, from The Vegan's Anonymous Gathering, Ruby feels even more anxious) I'm gonna brush my teeth if you don't mind…(her phone rings)
Coco (V.O): Hey all, 911 here. We're just calling house to house and seeing if you personally stole all the copies of Madden 18 from Target. (Ruby starts brushing her teeth)
Ruby: Listen man, I don't have time for this. I'm brushing my teeth because of…(Cut back to the word Anxiety, before cutting back to Coco at the police station)
Coco: Based on past experiences that doesn't sound like you're brushing with toothpaste, it sounds like you're brushing with Raid. (Cut back to Ruby, now having a Can of Raid in her hand.)
Ruby: Not Again. (Passes out, cut to Ruby's dream, she, now Chibi Ruby, pops into Madden 08 Avenue [Finally a place for me]! After tripping on Pepto Bismol she is then scared off by Madden 18 Legend Edition, before coming face to face with Vince Young)
Vince: You Have DISHONORED MY Legacy! (Lightning strikes)
Ruby: Well when you put it that way…(A trap door opens and Ruby falls presumably to her doom, before waking up, Gasp) Well that was F*cking terrifying! Not that I wouldn't expect anything less from a Raid-Buzz... (Then a ghost appears) But nothing's more terrifying than the Post-Raid-Buzz-Buzz. (Cut back to the police Station)
Velvet: Hey check this out: the Madden-o-Meter's going off the charts at The V.A.G and the 18-o-meter's not too far off.
Coco: That might be where the stash is; is Officer Fall on her way there?
Velvet: Knowing her, she should be close-aw sh*t, she's just been driving around in circles for the last half an hour. (Cut to Cinder doing just that.)
Coco: Let's just go there ourselves. (Cut to the Gathering) [Police Cursing and Gibberish] SHUT THE F*CK UP! Nope, no sign of Madden 18 here.
Velvet: Wait, remember the last Madden scandal?
Coco: Sh*t, check the fridge! (Cut back to Ruby and the Ghost)
???: Why? Why did you do it?!
Ruby: That is embarrassingly vague.
???: Stealing Madden 18 and blaming it on a bunch of vegans.
Ruby: Oh, that! Well, you see they didn't like the right version of Madden, and I'm not really fond of the new version of Madden, so...Killing two birds, no stone involved though that's just too messy. Who even are you?
???: I am LUIS CASTILLO, the cover athlete of the Spanish version of Madden 08! (Ruby just gasps happily) You should feel overwhelmed with guilt for your actions. You've stolen various copies of our Franchise's newborn, and have blamed it on the innocent.
Ruby: I don't feel guilty! I did the world a favor by ridding it of all 18's, and those pesky vegans deserve to take the blame if all they like is Madden 09 and can't see why Madden 08 is the best one! (Cut back to the live feed of Qrow)
Qrow: Patch can finally rest easy knowing the Madden 18 bandits have finally been caught. 200 copies of Madden 18 have been found in a white trash bag in the fridge of the third annual Vegan's Anonymous Gathering. The following footage just surfaced: (Shows Coco pointing a gun at Neo's head while the others are trying to convince Velvet that they are innocent. Cut back to Ruby, who feels even more guilty. )
Ruby: ...I'm gonna go outside for a bit. (Cut to Ruby outside, where Blake walks up to her, holding a Burger King cup.)
Blake: Wanna bite?
Ruby: No, no thanks.
Blake: What's got you down?
Ruby: Madden 08 sh*t.
Blake: Oh, I've been there.
Ruby: I mean it's so hard Blake. I know it's the best. Why doesn't anybody believe it?
Blake: Well, that's your belief, but I'm more a Madden 13 girl myself.
Ruby: You f*ck.
Blake: But you can't expect people to believe in what you believe. What's the point of beliefs if there's only one thing people can believe?
Ruby: ...Sh*t I'm an a*hole. (Ruby goes back inside.) Luis! I was wrong! I'm gonna make this right.
Luis: Where are you going?
Ruby: Probably to jail for an indiscernible amount of time, see you later! (Grabs Madden 09, and goes to the Gathering) Self-proclaimed crook here, guys! Have at it.
Coco: Didn't you hear? Madden 28 was just announced. The price of Madden 18 has dropped tenfold.
Velvet: Guess this means you can steal as many Madden 18's as you want.
Coco: Thank you for your service.
Velvet: Godspeed. (Cut back to News Reporter Qrow)
Qrow: THIS JUST IN: Madden 28 has just been announced. Leave it to EA to make this the best Christmas yet. The Madden 18 bandits have recently been transferred on the FBI'S Most Wanted to the "Who Gives a Piss?" section. If you see these people, PLEASE at all cost, don't give a piss. (Cut back to the Gathering)
Ruby: I'm sorry. I-I got carried away with the whole concept of Madden 08. It just means a lot to me. Listen, you guys like a different Madden, I'm gonna have to learn how to respect that, I won't push my belief of great Madden on to you if you won't push it onto me.
Weiss: YOU KIDNAPPED AND FRAMED US!
Ruby: Yeah, it's one way of putting it.
Penny: Y'know I could go for a nice restraining order about now.
Ruby: Roger that, see you later. (Goes to leave but then remembers…) Uh, I wanted to give you guys this. (Hands Madden 09 to them.)
Weiss: Thanks. (Ruby leaves)
Penny: F*ck that girl. (Six days later…, cut back to Ruby. She crosses out the final day of Empathy.)
Ruby: Well, we survived the six days of Empathy, and I have a little something-something that arrived at my doorstep…(reaches into the bag to Madden 08 for the DS) Aw, NICE! (Also gets Madden 09 on the DS as well, Ruby tries to swallow her sadness) ...Cool. (reaches into the bag again) It also came with a little invitation to something…(You're invited to V.A.G R.A.M) Aw yeah, there is no way that could be misinterpreted. (Moves her thumb to reveal that it says Vigorous Advanced Gathering of Right Acronym Maniacs) F*CK! (Cue the A Very Madden 08 Christmas outro.)