Joker, SR-2 Normandy, Pilot's Compartment

"How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?"

Joker paused. He stopped piloting the hundreds of millions of credits warship to turn and look at Edi. Well...her blue orb-chess piece thingy. "Computer jokes?"

"How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?" Edi repeated with the exact same inflection.

"Fine….Edi…" Joker let out a deep suffering sigh as he rolled his eyes and turning back to his screens. "How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?"

"None, that is a hardware issue," Edi deadpanned.

"..." Joker frowned slightly as he concentrated on the ship.

"That was a joke, Jeff," Edi prompted.

"I am aware," Joker shook his head a little. "It was a particularly bad joke."

"...I am unsure what constitutes a good joke from a bad one," Edi almost sounded irritated. "I have heard the crew make similar jokes to much greater success."

"You're trying too hard. A bad pun like that needs to be more off the cuff," Joker shrugged. "Like...coming up with that joke randomly, or while somebody is working on a computer? Funny. The moment you say are all, 'I'm gonna be funny!' then use that lame type of joke? Not funny."

"Ah, I see," Edi said introspectively. "This is what is known as 'comedic timing'?"

"That would be correct. It feels like you are attempting to condense humor into mathematical equations," Joker smirked as he imagined Edi's little orb in a tiny white lab coat, holding a clipboard. "That kind of thing never really works. Jokes need that spark of individuality."

"I do not have a frame of reference, Jeff, I am less than a year old," Edi reminded him. "Most of the humor that Commander Shepard and the crew use are based on sarcasm and idle threats of violence. They do not respond well to my attempts at it."

"You're a great unknown there, Edi," Joker laughed, glancing at the orb. "In most of our recorded knowledge, AIs tend to go horribly for organics."

"I see…." Edi turned contemplative again, as she was silent for nearly thirty whole seconds. Though, to be fair, thirty seconds was a long time for a computer. "So, until I have proven myself to be a trusted ally, my attempts at that style of humor is less a joke as much as an actual potential threat."

"Bingo," Joker winked, making a little shooting gesture with a finger.

"But then, with my hardware blocks in place, I can never truly prove my intentions," now Edi sounded frustrated. Whish was weird for an emotionless killing machine made of silica and plastic. "Only when I can actually be a threat and do not act on it is something like that provable. Until that situation, idle words are not enough to convince organics of my sincere desire to not injure them."

"Yup," Joker shrugged. He was actually beginning to feel a little sorry for the death machine.

"Thank you, Jeff," Edi almost sighed. "I shall contemplate your points and search for another avenue to understand humor."

"Good luck," Joker laughed.

John, SR-2 Normandy, Med Bay

"Look, I'm fine now," John scowled as he sat on the edge of the exam bad and stared hard at...well, most of his crew. "I'm already cutting it closer than I would like. We have four more hours of FTL followed by five hours of real space before we get to the Quarian Fleet."

"Shepard, you were speaking in tongues then had a vision of making out with a rachni. That's a bit weird," Miranda snorted.

"Yeah, Boss, the whole story is...worrisome," Garrus added. He was standing directly behind Miranda. Interestingly close to her, in fact.

"John, if the Fleet will understand anything, it is the dangers of being sick," Tali said quietly, and she stood next to him, holding his hand. In fact, she had been there the entire time he was forced to sit through all the tests Xera and Chakwas could come up with. And she had been touching him in some fashion nearly the entire time.

After another moment, John turned to the two doctors. "Am I in any immediate danger?"

"Not that I can see, no," Chakwas sighed.

"Yeah, in fact you seem to be healthier now than you have been the entire time I've known you," Xera shrugged, looking over a datapad. "Your implants seem to be integrating much smoother than they had before."

"There you have it," John nodded with an air of finality. "Unless you all intend to mutiny, get out of the way so I can at least put pants on."

"I dunno, I kinda like the idea of you telling us what to do while you are tackle out," Jack laughed. "Tell you what, I got some shit I want to talk to you about, so come by my hole when you get the chance. Preferably oiled up."

"I still don't understand what happened," Grunt sighed as he turned away. "I'm going back to the cargo hold. It's been a long time since I got to punch things and I am beginning to get irritated."

As John stared them down, one by one his crew, his ground team, and dare he say it? His friends went back to their various duties.

"Do...do you remember speaking in khelish?" Tali asked, still quiet.

"Yeah, I remember almost everything, as far as I can tell," John turned to her and smirked. "I had Xera help me with the proposal part, which was difficult as hell. Changing the way my brain works in order to say just those words was a nightmare. Worth it though."

"That was probably the catalyst," Chakwas chuckled. "If what you learned from your vision is accurate, then the beacons made your mind elastic enough to begin to grasp protheans. Then the implants have alien technology that further altered your processing, Enough to Bond with a quarian."

"Ah!" Xera nodded. "I see what you are getting at! When he tried to twist his mind to think the way quarians do, the implants took that as a command and started trying to connect properly!"

"I...don't get it," Tali frowned looking between the doctors. "Then how did he start saying words he didn't know?"

"He got them from here," Xera chuckled as she tapped Tali on the helmet. "My guess is that the Bond allowed him to, sort of, download, the information from you. But he was already spent, so putting his brain into overdrive in his condition overheated the system, so to speak."

"See?" John grinned as he turned Tali to face him and gently tapped his forehead to her visor. "We were meant to be, so hard, that we are quantumly entangled!"

Tali giggled as she leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his torso and squeezing. "Fine, as long as you are back to being warm. It's amazing how hot humans are."

"I was studying earth a bit when I was doing my paper on humans," Xera shrugged dropping into a chair. "The planet is unusual with its geography and weather patterns. Together with being a fairly young planet and star, the temperature extremes are all over the place. It's also a major factor in humans variety of shapes, sizes and colors."

"Yes, okay, humans are weird mutants that burn calories," John interrupted before Xera could go off on one of her tears. "Can I go now?"

"Yeah, sure," Xera shrugged. "Oh, before you go through." Xera tapped her omnitool and looked back to John. "Can you understand me?"

"That...was khelish," John frowned. "Yeah, I could understand it. I've been trying to remember how to speak it, but I have no idea."

Another couple taps and Xera nodded. "I had a feeling. Carry on."

Jack, SR-2 Normandy, The Hole

"Let's see…'The night...swells…." Jack muttered as she wrote. "With a silent...wail? No...cry? Yes! Cry!"

"Jack?" Shepard's voice cut through her writing haze, startling her.

"Shit! Shepard!" she cursed. "I almost mashed you into paste! Don't do that!"

"Heh, sorry, you seemed to be focused on something. I called out as I came down," Shepard jerked his thumb over his shoulder, at the stairs.

"You, uh...you didn't hear what I was doing, did you?" Jack swallowed slightly as she felt cold sweat form.

"Nope!" Shepard grinned as he rocked on his heels. "I didn't hear anything about a silent cry."

"Godammit, Shepard," Jack groaned as she threw her pad at him, only to see him duck as it bounced off one of the bulkheads.

"Aside from assaulting me with poetry of the night, what did you need?" John smirked as he knelt to pick up the pad, dropping it onto the table.

With a frown, Jack turned back to the crate she was using as a table. "I...I found the facility," she said quietly.

"I see," Shepard nodded, a serious look coming onto his face. "And what would you like to do?"

"I want to atomize the fucking thing," Jack snarled as she spun to face him. Biotic power seething just outside her skin. "I want to go to it, put the biggest fucking bomb I can find, right in that torture hole of a room they had me in, and blow the whole fucking thing out of existence!"

"Sounds good."

"No! I don't care! You can't talk me out of...wait," Jack stood and faced him, puzzled beyond...well anything she had dealt with before. "What did you say?"

"Said it sounded like a good idea," Shepard shrugged. He...looked serious. He didn't seem to be patronizing her….

"I...uh…" She shook her head in disbelief. "Are you still fucked up from your little brain jaunt? 'Cause this isn't the reaction I expected."

"Jack, I've seen what Cerberus's experiments can be like. Akuse was one of them. Hell, I'm one of them," Shepard frowned darkly. "A good portion of my hunt for Saren involved destroying every scrap of Cerberus I could find."

"It's on Pragia," Jack sniffed. Fuck it, she hated being caught off guard like that. Time to bluff her way through.

"Then that's where we go when I am done with the Fleet," John nodded solemnly. "If possible, I want to datamine the place. I want to find any other places like it. Dismantle however it was that they got kids. Whole thing."

When Shepard mention datamining, Jack felt the rage burnin her chest. How the fuck dare he! Then...he made a point. She hated the idea, but if there were more of those places? If she could find whoever took her? Did those things? Maybe she could hurt them. A lot.

"I won't unless you say it's okay," Shepard surprised her again.

"What?" Jack's eyes went wide as she stared at him, uncomprehendingly.

"This is your show, Jack. Your demons to slay," Shepard walked up to her and dropping his hand on her shoulder. It was hot. It felt like it was almost burning her bare skin. "I am not going to tell you how to deal with it. I will give you the tools and whatever help you need."

"I...don't...are...are you fucking with me?" Jack pulled back, away from his hand, staring hard at him. She...she couldn't trust him. She couldn't trust anybody. He just needed her for her power. He...didn't he? He wouldn't want her there. Nobody would.

"No, Jack, I swear I'm not fucking with you," Shepard had that fucking white knight look again. Fuck him! No, seriously, she wanted to fuck him.

"I don't know what you want, Shepard," she spat, shoving him back against a bulkhead. "All this shit? I don't do kindness. Or this 'friends' horse shit! I keep waiting for you to ask your price. You want money? A fuck? That I get. Just doing it 'because'? What is your fucking angle?"

Shepard stood there, staring hard at her. She could see the anger in him. It was burning inside him. He wanted to hit her. She was disrespecting him. He should have put her down a long time ago. Now, finally he….

"I hate you," he said quietly.

And Jack….blinked. Her rage was gone, just like that. She slowly stepped back, blinking still. Her vision was blurry. Her stomach hurt. Did...did he hit her and she didn't notice? Her knees buckled as she dropped.

Shepard was right there, in front of her. He squatted down in front of her and wrapped a hand around the back of her head, drawing her forward until her forehead was against his.

"I hate what they made you," he growled quietly. "They took a child and twisted her into a monster. But, by the goddess, you are not a monster! You are Jack! You are the psychotic biotic! You choose your path in this life. Those fuckers hobbled you, and pushed you down, but you didn't break."

"No..I broke," Jack tried to say around her hitching throat. "I am so fucked! I've used every goddamn drug known. I've hurt people, killed, just because I could. Everybody stabs me, Shepard! Everybody!"

"I will not!" Shepard's hand tightened on her neck painfully. "You want to go blow that shithole out of this galaxy? We do it. You and me. You want to go after the people that did it? They are as good as dead. I'm a fucking Spectre, and you are family, Jack. I will help you hurt them back a thousandfold if you want it."

That was it. That was what she had wanted to hear her entire life. It haunted her dreams. Taunted her with what could never be. She distanced herself from it. Numbed herself. Made it so that she couldn't think. She didn't deserve it. She was broken, ugly and used. But she wanted it...so badly….

Family.

Tali, SR-2 Normandy, Pilot's Compartment

"Greeting, Normandy," a clipped, almost overly formal quarian spoke. "This is Captain Jed'Had of the Ferst. State your business and verify, if you please."

"Uh...this ass," Xera groaned quietly before clearing her throat. "This is Xera'Rann vas Neema. I am returning as requested by the Admiralty Board."

"Very good, Xera'Raan, and verify," Jed'Had replied smoothly.

"Where once my heart smoldered soft, The rise of love ignited oft, When love's true face is a beacon home, At last I rest, no more to roam," Xera said quickly, with an embarrassed air.

"What the shit?" Joker turned in his chair to look at the quarian. "Where did you get that?"

"I wrote it," Xera fidgeted.

"Confirmed, thank you. I am instructed to direct you to the Rayya," Jed'Had said. "It is at four four nine mark two one."

"Ah, yeah, thanks, Ferst," Joker snickered. "The hell is it with the names? Oh, good poem, by the way."

"Yeah, thanks," Xera cleared her throat before turning to Tali. "I'm not particularly looking forward to any of this. Admiral Xen is going to want to cut me apart and see what my insides look like."

Tali snorted with a small laugh and looked at her friend. "I was going to say 'No she won't', but she totally will. You could always claim asylum on the Normandy. How about it? Want to change your ship name?"

"Kinda," Xera sighed, pulling the smile clean off Tali face. "I don't fit in very well. But I kinda do here. It's full of oddballs. Hell, here I'm damn near royalty."

"You are one of the more stable ones," Joker smirked.

"See?" Xera laughed, patting the man on the head. "He loves me."

"Xera, this mission is only going to get more dangerous. We may not come back from this," Tali shook her head.

"Right, that's going to help your case," Joker snorted. "Honestly, that's the kind of thing you hear in a vid. Bet I can guess what Xera's gonna say!"

"Nobody asked you, human," Tali growled, her eyes narrowing at the pilot.

"Oooo! Discrimination!" Joker turned his seat around to eye her. "If you don't want my input, don't have in depth, serious conversations in my cockpit. Xera wants to come with up. She's smart, tough and good in a fight. It also helps that she is a combat medic, something we really could have used in the last merry-go-round, considering how shot up Shepard always ends up almost every time he leaves the ship. Hell, he can't have dinner out with his family without a krogan pirate dropping his dick on the centerpiece."

"Ha!" Xera slapped Tali with the back of her hand. "Couldn't have said it better! I'm a terrible quarian anyway. I'm far too selfish. And enjoy thinking for myself. I even like Edi."

"Thank you miss Raan," Edi sounded pleased.

"Keelah, Xera…" Tali could feel the headache forming already.

John, Rayya, Quarian Migrant Fleet

"Permission to come aboard?" John asked casually, stopping at the edge of the rampway.

"Granted you dirty asshole," a familiar voice half laughed. "You really know how to stir shit up, don't you?"

"Jane?" John raised an eyebrow as he saw his sister, in all her quarian suited glory. "What are doing here?"

"Other than returning your crew?" Jane threw a thumb over her shoulder at the team she had taken with her in the search for Jacob's father. "Myself, and Kal'Reegar here, have been tasked with escorting you and your lovely quarian girl, who is far too good for you, by the way, to the Admiralty Board."

"What?" Tali frowned as she stepped forward. "What the hell is going on this time?"

"Nothing bad, Tali," Xera sighed as she pushed through from behind the engineer. "I have to make an in person report on everything between my leaving for the Haestrom mission and now. And so do you. And John. Shepard. The Commander. Fuck. Why are your names so fucking confusing?"

"Xera briefed me on your incident," Mordin approached John, running a scanner over him. "Need to get you in science bay. Want to examine your implants. Had suspicions, now confirmed. Don't want to speak in the open, too many ears. Never know who's listening."

"There isn't going to be anybody on the Fleet working with Cerberus!" Tali said angrily, verbally stomping her foot.

"Cerberus, no. There are others," Mordin didn't even look up from his scans. Shadowbroker, for instance. Good at subversion. Blackmail, bribery, that kind of thing. Also cannot rule out quarian politics. Not as volatile as most, but still, power plays."

"Alright, no arguments, this isn't the time or place," John gave a small sigh. "Jacob, Zaeed, Mordin, welcome back, sorry you are going to be stuck on the Normandy for a bit while we get this done."

"No problem, Commander," Jacob smirked. "Be nice to get out of the armor and relax for a bit."

"Pleased to see you, Commander," Kal stepped forward. "I'm glad you were able to bring Xera back in one piece. Ancestor's know I couldn't manage it."

"Oh fuck off," Xera rolled her eyes. "You kept us alive longer than anybody else could have, Kal. I really don't need to listen to another poor me motherfucker. Joh- mmmmm…..Commander Shepard does it quite enough."

"And on that note," John sighed. I guess we go get debriefed by the Admiralty Board now."

"Yup," Jane nodded. "Right this way!"

Six Hours Later

"...and so, the implantation of unknown cybernetics and grafts were performed?" Daro'Xen said, returning to a topic they had covered nearly an hour earlier.

"Keelah, Daro," Shala'Raan turned to look at her fellow Admiral. "Do you mind? I wanted to finish this bit about the human plugged into a geth network."

"It's dead, Shala," Daro turned aggressively. John wasn't even sure one could turn aggressively until that moment. "Xera'Raan, on the other hand, is alive, in front of us, and could be a potential risk. I don't think it would be out of bounds to say that she should probably be remanded into custody until I have a chance to examine her."

"What?!" Shala actually stood. "You are not dissecting my jam'ma!"

"I wasn't saying I would disect her, Shala," Daro growled. "I said examin!"

"That's the same thing for you, you psychopath!" Shala spat jabbing a finger in Daro's direction.

"You insufferable cow!" Daro stood now, her body rigid with anger. "If you could get your helmet out of your ass you would see the risks!"

"Hey...Tali," John leaned toward the engineer slightly. "Are they going to start shooting or something?"

Tali blinked as she turned to frown at him. "Of course not" Why would you ask that?"

"Mostly because two members of the Admiralty board are standing and calling each other names…" John gestured to the scene. He was rather confused as to how Tali and Xera could just stand so casually, as if Shala'Raan hadn't just told Daro'Xen what she could do with a volus dreadnought.

"Oh, I see," Tali nodded finally with understanding. "Quarians don't strike each other. It isn't our way. Even before being forced into suits and onto ships, debate was the way we fight. After our people were unified violence between each other was fairly well quelled."

"There are exceptions. Sometimes people lose it completely or something, but that is seriously shameful," Xera added as she yawned. As if people weren't threatening to lock her up. "We might want to intercede her soon, though. These kind of things can drag on for hours."

"Hours?" John said, mildly shocked.

"Told you my people enjoy a good argument," Tali laughed. "The only reason my trial was so short was because you bulldozed your way through it."

"Fine," John sighed before clearing his throat and stepping up to the lectern. "Excuse me? Admirals? If you could stop being children for a moment?"

The entire room went silent as all helmets turned to look at the human. Through the Bind, John could feel Tali's utter shock and more than a little horror.

Shala was frozen, her right fist was in the air, as she had been shaking it at Daro while threatening to feed the other Admiral to vorcha.

Daro, on the other side, had picked up a datapad and had been saying how she was going to crack Shala's suit like an overripe Ual.

"Once again you go right where it hurts us," Han'Gerrel chuckled. "I'm sure our…'cultural differences' must be interesting to you."

"To be honest, I think it's a lot more straightforward and honest that most of Council space," John smiled. "My own people would have dissolved to duels at dawn with swords."

"Feh, the bosh'tet wouldn't even know which end was the pointy one without somebody to show her," Daro grunted as she dropped heavily into her chair, and crossing her arms.

"How about I come over there and-" Shala's eyes narrowed before John cut her off.

"Okay! I can see where that is going! Is there anything else you want to ask about our dealings?" John looked from admiral to admiral as Shala returned to her own seat.

"I actually think we covered it all two hours ago," Zal'Korris said with a nod. "Han?"

"Agreed," Han'Gerrel began working his podium. "Formal inquiry for Xera'Raan vas Neema, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, and Captain John Shepard, a human, is completed. End Log and back up."

"Great!" John rubbed his hands together as he looked back at Tali and Xera. "How about we go out for drinks?"

"There aren't any bars on the Fleet, moron," Xera sighed. "Besides, the Board has more for you."

"Indeed we do," Daro nodded. "This is completely off the record, and is personal in nature."

"Still political," Xera snorted, shifting her weight to one leg as she crossed her arms.

"Yes, unfortunately," Han conceded with a nod as he stood. "Together, with our authority we would like to make you an offer, John'Shepard, Tali'Zorah. We would like to use you as pawns in an attempt to bring our people back together."

"What?" Tali stepped up next to John. "What's wrong with the Fleet?"

"We are divided," Zal'Korris grunted. "Different camps, for war, against, homeworld, settle a new world…."

"And there is the Reaper threat," Shala added. "That isn't something we particularly want to float about the Fleet, but we found sufficient evidence to believe you."

"That was part of why we agreed to the treaty with the Alliance," Han nodded. "The threat is very real, and we need to prepare for it. I, personally, abhor the idea of taking a new planet when our homeworld calls to us, but...there is death coming. We cannot afford to have our children, our elderly and infirm, they cannot be on the ships if we are to go to war."

"To that end, we have been searching for a suitable world to colonize," Zal said.

"And...there is the situation with the Keldora is failing," Shala said quietly.

"What?" Xera gasped as Tali's hands began there twisting dance.

"You lost me," John frowned.

"John, the Keldora is one of the liveships," Tali said quietly. "If it's nutrient vats fail, then people will starve."

"That...is not good," John rubbed at the faceplate of his helmet. "If there is anything I can do, I will do it, Admirals."

"That is appreciated," Shala nodded gratefully. "But aside from finding a world for us, we need a morale boost."

"And that is where you come in," Han nodded.

"What can we do?" Tali looked from John, to the Admirals.

"Tali," Shala stood, stepping down from the admiral lecterns and approaching Tali, gently taking her hands. "We are offering you, and John, a full Bonding Ceremony."

Tali, Liveship Rayya

The ship dropped out from under her. She blinked, and would have staggered back if Shala hadn't been holding her hands.

"Wha...what?" she whispered unbelievingly. "I….what?"

"A Bonding," Shala repeated with a soft smile. "I'm sorry for my reactions before. I regret my words. Seeing you with him...it is clear to me. Jazra'Xen saw it. Kal'Reeger saw it. Xera saw it. I...saw it. I just refused to believe it at the time. But your Bond is real."

"We can all see it in both of you," Han agreed. "The Bonding Ceremony is not something we offer lightly. We have accepted asari or other races before, as mates for our people. They did not, however, have the ceremony."

"They couldn't truly Bond, you see," Shala said, glancing at John. "Even if we accepted other races, and even children of asari and ours...they couldn't really live with the Fleet."

"So…" John cleared his throat as he looked at Tali. "With what happened at Tali's trial, having a public Ceremony will boost morale and distract your people while you search for safe harbor?"

"Yes," Daro agreed. "But that is part of it."

"You have done a lot for us, John'Shepard," Shala turned to regard the human. "You have championed our people at every opportunity. You saved my jam'ma, as well as Tali. You are Bonded. The Ancestors put the pieces in place. It just took us...me...a while to see them."

"John…" Tali whispered as she clutched at him, her eyes wide. "John...You knew? Is that why you made the pal'tec vis surden?"

"I...yes," John nodded, with a slightly uncomfortable look. His hand reached back and rubbed at the neck of his armor. "It was why I rushed it. I'm...sorry if you are offended."

Tali stared as sher mind worked. She loved him. She was Bonded to him.

He loved her. He was Bonded to her.

They could be together. They would be accepted.

She crashed into him, her arms wrapping tightly around his chest, squeezing as tears fell. "I love you!" She said. "I love you so much, John'Shepard. We will be one in the face of the Fleet and Ancestors."

Quarian Lexicon

Jam'ma: Child of a secondary mate. Ex- Xera'Raan is the child of Garu's secondary mate, and is thus, Jam'ma to Shala'Raan

Ual: A small, sweet fruit that grows wild on bushes along rivers. Before the war, children were known to eat so many at once, during the growing season, that they would develop stomach aches. Native to Rannoch.

Pal'tec vis surden: Medallion presented during the Ceremony of Bonding. Literal translation: Symbol of Souls United. Quarians followed a different path, where humans would place a ring upon their bride, a quarian male would present a medallion depicting the future life of the newly bonded pair. Worn on a chain around the neck before the war, they now are carried by every bonded female in a special pocket within their enviro-suits, just above their heart. Usually made from precious metals, the quarians in the fleet now use scrap metals to conserve resources.