Chapter 4: but you're here in my heart

Gokudera and Reborn leave a few days later with little fanfare. Gokudera gives Tsuna a lingering hug, smelling of sadness, and completely sidesteps Yamamoto when he tries to do the same. "Work on your sword handling," he says instead. "The next time I visit, I'd better not see you holding that thing like a damn baseball bat."

"You got it, Boss," Yamamoto replies, offering Gokudera a firm salute that makes the Italian omega roll his eyes, though Tsuna can see how his eyes seem to shine. "I won't disappoint."

"We'll miss you, Hayato-kun," Nana says, dabbing at her eyes with the end of her apron. She's been emotional about nearly everything lately, though Tsuna doesn't blame her. Their quiet life experienced an upheaval of massive proportions, and it's been a lot to process. "Thank you for everything you did for Tsu-kun. You're like family now, you'll always be welcome here."

Reborn claps a hand on Gokudera's shoulder, grinning as the blond omega blushes under Nana's attention. "Careful. Butter him up too much, and he'll never leave."

"I have to go back," Gokudera grumbles. It's something he's been saying a lot lately, like he's trying to convince himself. Tsuna now knows Gokudera would probably stay if he could, but there are things in Italy that need his attention. "If nothing else, I need to punch Xanxus in the face before he officially becomes the Tenth."

Tsuna winces. "Please, do not do that," he implores. "You can't make enemies with the Vongola leader."

"Like I care," Gokudera retorts. "He's no Boss of mine. As if he could ever hold a candle to you."

"He wouldn't touch anyone in your Pack anyway, Tsuna," Reborn adds casually. "He knows now that I'd put a bullet between his eyes if he even tried."

There are entirely too many layers behind those statements, but all Tsuna can do is say, mournfully, "Why are you guys like this?"

For all that Tsuna appreciates the return to normalcy, the quiet is hard to deal with.

It feels odd to just go back to his daily life. Tsuna finds that he has to force himself to pay attention even more than before, is too often distracted by thoughts of Gokudera, Reborn, even Iemitsu. The life they lead is so far removed from what Tsuna knows, yet they're all intrinsic parts of who he is, for better or worse.

There's so much Tsuna doesn't know about what happened, and based on how much Reborn and Iemitsu love to keep secrets – Tsuna may be able to wear Gokudera down over time – he might never know. He finds it hard to believe Xanxus gave up after Yamamoto and Gokudera thrashed one of his men, but then, Tsuna doesn't really know Xanxus at all.

Nonetheless, Tsuna trusts Reborn and Gokudera to have his back, and he trusts that Iemitsu doesn't want to upset Nana again. Hopefully this is the end of their problems, but even if it isn't, Tsuna somehow knows that everything will work out fine.

But in every class, without fail, Tsuna stares at the back of Yamamoto's head, the slope of his shoulders, and wonders if he's the only one feeling this way.

His boyfriend hasn't really been himself since Reborn and Gokudera left. He's quieter, definitely, and despite his attempts to pretend otherwise, Tsuna knows he still carries the sword in his baseball bag.

Tsuna never expected Yamamoto to just get over such a high intensity, anxiety-inducing situation overnight, but sometimes, he feels like he's coping better than Yamamoto. He wants to talk about it, but he supposes that Yamamoto just needs time. And after everything he's done for him, Tsuna's more than willing to give him that. He decides to let Yamamoto set the pace, and eventually, Tsuna's patience pays off.

One day, nearly two weeks after Reborn and Gokudera left, Yamamoto asks Tsuna to meet him on the roof after baseball practice. Tsuna has some reservations about it, mostly because he isn't sure Hibari will like them being on the roof after school hours are over, but Yamamoto seems strangely confident that the alpha won't care.

So, Tsuna goes straight to the roof after school ends for the day. He does homework while he waits and listens to the distant sounds coming from the baseball field. The sky is just starting to turn orange when Tsuna hears the door creaking open, and he lifts his head and smiles as Yamamoto appears.

"Hey," he greets the beta. Yamamoto is freshly showered, smelling of citrus and his pine deodorant as he walks over to Tsuna. "How was practice?"

"Long," Yamamoto sighs, dropping his back on the concrete next to Tsuna. "Coach doesn't think we're ready for our next game, but I'm not sure how we could be more ready."

"You guys won your last game by seven runs," Tsuna points out as he puts his study materials back into his bag. "I think you're fine. But I don't know much about baseball, so… "

"You know enough," Yamamoto says. He's always weirdly touched when Tsuna displays even minimal knowledge or interest in baseball, but today he seems muted. He watches Tsuna's movements with half-lidded eyes, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He doesn't sit down beside Tsuna. "So… what I wanted to talk about… "

Tsuna feels weird as he stares up at Yamamoto from his spot on the ground, but he also feels as if standing up with him would be even weirder. So he opts to stay where he is, clasping his hands around his ankles as he waits for Yamamoto to speak.

"Do you remember," Yamamoto says eventually, voice strangely hoarse, "when I broke my arm?"

Tsuna glances off to the side, head quirked in thought. "When we were thirteen?" he asks. "You hurt it during a practice game, right?"

Yamamoto nods, mouth set in a firm line. It's then that the wind shifts, bearing down on Tsuna so strongly he has to squint his eyes against the sting. But they widen almost immediately, when Tsuna catches a whiff of Yamamoto's scent. "Takeshi, what – "

"That was a really tough time for me," Yamamoto says, steamrolling over whatever Tsuna might have said in a way that he normally doesn't. He's one of the few who actually listens when Tsuna talks, soaking in every word. But not today. "Well… before that, even. I was… I wasn't happy. Before this year, I don't think I've ever really been happy since my mom died."

Tsuna doesn't remember his boyfriend's mother, can't even seem to recall a name for her. Tsuyoshi and Nana never speak of her, and she hasn't come up thus far in their relationship. Tsuna can't imagine why Yamamoto would bring her up now, though he has a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"But those months when I couldn't play baseball? Those were the worst." Yamamoto's hands ball up into fists at his sides, and Tsuna stares at them, wants to take Yamamoto's rough hands into his, but he doesn't dare move. "Dad had to force me out of bed every morning. It got so much harder to do even the littlest things, and I felt like… like maybe I didn't want to live anymore."

Tsuna flinches like Yamamoto tried to hit him. They had been thirteen. They were thirteen, and Yamamoto had felt like that?

"I went to school one morning, and I was gonna go up to the roof instead of class," Yamamoto admits before Tsuna can say anything. "The bell rang, and the halls were deserted, so I thought that was as good a time as any. But I ran into you in the stairwell, because you were late, of course, and you stopped to talk to me."

Tsuna has a vague memory of something to this effect, though he hasn't once thought of it in the two years since it happened. He remembers rushing to get to class, taking the steps two at a time. He remembers barely avoiding running into the beta on the stairs, remembers panicking at the thought that he could've made his injury worse.

"You kept saying sorry for almost crashing into me." Yamamoto huffs out a laugh. "And you asked how I was feeling, said I looked tired. That was the first time I'd looked you in the eye in years, I think. And it made me remember…"

"What?" Tsuna croaks out.

"I had a crush on you when we were little," Yamamoto admits, mouth quirking in a morose, half grin when Tsuna makes a strangled noise in response. "Mom called it puppy love. We grew apart, though, around the time she died, and I never really thought about it again. I couldn't. I didn't think… You weren't something I deserved. Everything I tried to do just broke into pieces in my hands. There was no way you could love someone like me."

"Someone like you," Tsuna echoes faintly. As if Yamamoto isn't the best thing in Tsuna's life. As if he isn't everything to him.

"But that day, when you stopped me in the stairwell, I remembered," Yamamoto continues, finally averting his eyes now that Tsuna can't seem to stop staring at him. "I remembered how it felt to love you. And I thought about how sad you would be if I… died like that, even if we weren't really friends at the time. I couldn't go through with it after that."

Tsuna's eyes burn, though he can't seem to cry. This is more than he was expecting – more than he ever could have expected – and the grief that claws at his throat threatens to suffocate him. He'd never known Yamamoto felt this way, that he even could feel like this.

And how ridiculous is that? Yamamoto has always been more than what people thought of him. He was never that oblivious, good-natured beta who sported a constant smile and only thought about baseball, though those are small aspects of who he is.

Yamamoto Takeshi is the kind of person who pushes when he has to but knows when to just let things be. He knows when Tsuna's sad and needs a hug yet has reservations when he's the one in need of comforting. He sees an injustice and can't help but step in. He senses a threat and does what he can to eliminate it.

He's the kind of person who brings flowers to the boy he likes. And everyone judged him for it. Even Tsuna.

"I would've said something that day," Yamamoto continues, "but I couldn't push my problems onto you. I wanted to be better, and it may have taken two years, but I learned how to be someone who wasn't just… sad all the time. So, I wanted to thank you." He looks at Tsuna again, similar to how he had when he told Tsuna he loved him for the first time. Tsuna doesn't know how he could've possibly been afraid back then. "You never knew it, but I'm alive because of you."

Tsuna takes a breath. Opens his mouth.

Nothing comes.

Yamamoto panics. He sees whatever is in Tsuna's expression and begins to backpedal, and it tears at Tsuna in every possible way. "I wouldn't have done anything if you'd rejected me back then," the beta says quickly, holding his hands up in a placating manner. "I'm not trying to guilt you into staying with me either. I'd be fine if we broke up! Well, not fine, but I could get over it, eventually. I'm sorry for upsetting you, I just wanted to – "

"I love you."

Yamamoto freezes. His lips part in a shaky, wheezing exhale, and he looks more terrified than Tsuna's ever seen him. He doesn't say a word.

Tsuna pushes on, finally clambering to his feet. "I didn't understand when you said you wanted to court me. I thought I was dreaming, or someone was playing a joke on me, but underneath it all, I really was happy. I just couldn't let myself feel that way when I wasn't sure what was going on."

True to form, Yamamoto's eyes seem to glaze over with sadness. He's always hated when Tsuna talks like this. Tsuna understands how he feels now. "Every day with you was too good to be true," Tsuna says. "I felt like I was taking something that had no business being mine. And that wasn't fair to you. You never did anything to make me doubt you, but I did it anyway. You made your intentions perfectly clear, and I just kept ignoring you."

"Courtships lead to forever," Yamamoto says quietly, almost under his breath. "My mom told me that."

"That's – That's fine, that's more than fine," Tsuna breathes, because he'd wondered over the wording of Yamamoto's confession for so long, but he'd never dared hope… "I'm glad you told me all of this, okay? I don't want you to hide yourself from me. The baseball player? The guy who fought the mafia for me? I love them both. I know the kind of person you are."

Yamamoto's expression pinches like he might start crying. And he does just that a few moments later, shoulders hitching as the sobs start to take over. "Can you say it again?"

"I love you, Takeshi," Tsuna says. He doesn't know where the strength in his voice comes from, even as he takes a step forward. "I love you, I do – "

He only stumbles a little when Yamamoto crashes into him. It's desperate, more careless than any move Yamamoto's ever made towards him, and Tsuna's nose and chin throb from the impact. Yamamoto isn't necessarily small, but he feels fragile as Tsuna slides his hands up his back. He shakes like he's cold, but he's warm all over, just like always.

Like during his heat, Tsuna starts purring before he can even think. His whole body vibrates with the force of it, though it seems to have the reverse effect of only making Yamamoto cry harder. But Tsuna isn't embarrassed. He doesn't beat himself up over failing to comfort his boyfriend.

He just holds Yamamoto and lets him cry like he should've done so many times before.

Sawada Tsunayoshi walks into class just after the first bell of the morning with a small bouquet of white and blue flowers in his hands.

This in itself is nothing unusual. It's become a normal sight over the course of the school year. Hardly anyone bats an eye anymore, and the teachers don't dare complain, lest they receive a surprise visit from Hibari Kyouya, who Tsuna has noticed has taken a rather recent and odd interest in him. He can't say he doesn't have an idea as to why, though he's much too nervous to ask outright.

Still, all eyes are on the omega as he walks over to Yamamoto's desk and presents the bouquet to him.

"Takeshi," Tsuna says with a smile far too wide for all the attention he's attracting.

Yamamoto smiles, and it's a small and precious thing. His brown eyes are hooded and fond, warming Tsuna from the inside out without the beta even saying a word.

No misguided father or mafia don can rattle him, Tsuna thinks, so long as Yamamoto always looks at him like that.