Untitled
Molly Weasley was walking back with ice chips when she overheard Cedric's proposal to Hermione. She stopped before reaching the curtain and smiled, allowing them to have their moment. Minerva was on her way back with the blanket. She was about to pass the curtain when Molly grabbed her arm and pulled her back – smiling, with her finger pressed to her lips indicating silence. Minerva looked at Molly with questions in her eyes before hearing Cedric say …"I now want you to thank me for being your husband." Minerva's eyes went wide as she looked at Molly, who just smiled and nodded. They waited there with bated breath, hoping that Hermione wouldn't have a contraction before giving her answer. Apparently, Hermione gave the right answer because the sound of she and Cedric kissing reached the opposite side of the curtain.
On their side of the room, after Cedric proposed, Hermione just sat there wide eyed. Her mind didn't even need to process the request, it just knew. Hermione nodded and whispered "thank you". Only Cedric heard this and he immediately pulled Hermione into a deep kiss. They kissed for several moments before she laid her head against him, hearing his heart beneath her. She sat up and put her left palm over his heart – so she could feel it beat. "It's yours, you know. It's always been yours." He said.
She put her head back down, loving the way it felt to be back in his arms. Quietly Cedric began to hum Hermione's lullaby, then sang softly "If you knew how lonely my life has been - and how long I've been so alone – If you knew how I wanted someone to come along, and change my life the way you've done"… He trailed off into a hum, as Hermione whispered back "If you knew how much this moment means to me - and how long I've waited for your touch, if you knew how happy you are making me - I never thought that I'd love anyone so much."…Hermione then listened as Cedric continued to hum to her. For the first time in months she felt safe, warm, and loved. Only then did she begin to wonder whether she would have taken off the way she did if Cedric was there after her attack. She wondered if some of her brokenness came from the overwhelming loneliness she felt when her other half was gone. They loved fiercely, and when she woke after her attack – the better part of her soul was not there, and the part she was left with was shattered into a thousand pieces…and still is. Cedric was her life vest – he was making sure that she was at least treading water – and she found herself drowning while he was gone. She was still by no means "ok", but for the first time since her attack in the dungeons, and her waking up pregnant – did she feel that "ok" could at least be a possibility for the future. She was home now, surrounding by family – and being held by the man she loved…her fiancé.
Hermione wished that moment would last forever, but a contraction interrupted the calm. Hermione shrieked and sat forward, clutching her abdomen. Minerva and Molly knew it was time for them to return to her side – "Don't worry dear, just breathe – we're here!" Molly informed her. This contraction was more intense than the others, Hermione felt herself shivering and shaking. After the contraction, Hermione fell back panting. "I can't do this." She said.
"Of course you can, dear! Look at me! I did it 7 times – don't forget the one time I had to push out TWO bodies!" Molly said.
Hermione smiled and chuckled. Over the next couple of hours, the time between contractions lessened while their intensity increased. During one contraction, Hermione yelled out "I need to push!" with a grunt.
"Wait, Hermione! Not yet! We need to see if it's time yet!" Minerva replied, as she called for Poppy. The two of them returned quickly and Hermione cried out once more that she felt like she had to push.
"Lay back, Hermione." Poppy instructed as she waved her wand over Hermione, a page flew out into her hand. "Not yet, Hermione. You're at 8 centimeters. It's very close now, and shouldn't be more than an hour or so.
Hermione leaned back on Cedric and rolled her eyes up to him. "At this point I think I would be telling you that I hate you and never want you touching me again." Hermione said, making Cedric laugh…"if this baby was yours, that is…" Hermione continued sadly.
Cedric brushed her sweaty hair off her forehead, bent down and said "This baby is mine, bebe, and always will be. It doesn't matter how it got its start. All that matters is who is going to love it and care for it. You are having our baby tonight." Hermione smiled and looked away sadly. She knew what he said was true – but it still mattered to her how the baby got its start – and how was she going to protect it in the future. Another contraction hit Hermione fast and hard. She ended up rolling onto her side, trying to pant through it while Cedric stroked her back and Molly wiped her forehead. When it passed, Hermione looked to Minerva and asked in a tiny voice, "What is going to happen to us?"
Minerva knew exactly where she was going with this. "We discussed this after learning of your pregnancy. It is not Hogwarts policy to permit pregnant students to stay at Hogwarts – however, since yours came about after an attack, rather than a lapse of judgment – there is absolutely no way the ministry can keep us from continuing to house and educate you. Even if they tried – neither Albus nor I would ever cast you out – you should know that by now, lamb."
Hermione smiled in relief – she was allowed to stay. She closed her eyes for a few moments before the next contraction hit. After about an hour, Hermione clutched her stomach and gasped, "something's wrong, something's wrong!"
Poppy waved her wand once more and said, "Nothing's wrong, Hermione. You are 10 centimeters and it is now time to push – the baby is still doing just fine." Poppy waved her wand, summoning over towels and a basin of water, along with a few other supplies. "Hermione, I need you to slide down to the bottom of the bed." Hermione obeyed, with assistance from Molly and Cedric. Poppy continued, "Minerva, get behind Hermione – prop her up against you. Cedric, Molly – each of you take one of Hermione's legs – we're going to help her bend them up to ease in pushing. Molly – you know what to do, Cedric – just copy what Molly does. Hermione, I need you to focus – we need you to push through each contraction. Push only when I say push – stop when I tell you to do so. Understand?"
Hermione nodded vigorously, sweat running down her face. Minerva positioned herself on the bed behind Hermione. Hermione leaned against Minerva and held both of her hands in a vice-like grip. Molly lifted Hermione's left leg and bent it at the knee, drawing it to Hermione's chest. Cedric copied the action.
"Ok, Hermione. Take deep breaths, when you feel the contraction coming on – I need you to push as hard as you can to the count of ten." All of a sudden, Hermione's face reddened and she cried out. "Push!" Poppy said, from in between Hermione's legs. Minerva pushed Hermione slightly forward – to help her bear down, as Molly and Cedric held her legs up. After the count of ten, Hermione was instructed to rest. When the next contraction came, they repeated the process. After the third round, Hermione only had enough time to suck in a gulp of air before having to push for another ten seconds. Finally, Poppy yelled "Stop pushing! I see the head!" Hermione flopped her head against Minerva's breast in utter exhaustion. Minerva wiped the sweat from Hermione's face and gave her a kiss on the cheek, saying "Almost there, lamb – hang in there."
Poppy was busy at the bottom of the bed, making sure the baby was presenting well before telling Hermione to push again. "I can't…I can't." Hermione said breathlessly.
"Bebe, you really don't have much of a choice, be strong for a few more moments!" Cedric said, tears running down his face as he watched the love of his life doing the most beautiful thing in the world – giving life.
"Piss off, Cedric!" Hermione shot back at him. Nevertheless, Hermione bent forward and continued to push. After two more sets of ten, Poppy called out – "One more big push, Hermione – and you're going to meet your child!" Hermione took a deep breath and bear down as hard as she could. She saw stars and blotches of red forming behind her eyes as she grunted her way through.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise."
All of a sudden, Hermione felt the pressure relieved – she looked down to see Poppy holding up a red-faced screaming baby….
"It's a girl! And she's perfect!" Poppy cried out.
Relieved, Hermione fell back against Minerva – crying. Cedric held Hermione's face in his hands and kissed her all over as Poppy clamped the umbilical cord. "Cedric?" Poppy asked. "Are you to do the honors?"
Hermione nodded to Cedric as he pulled out his wand – touched it to the area of the cord that Poppy indicated, thus freeing the infant from Hermione. Poppy wrapped the baby in a blanket and handed it to Cedric – who went to Hermione and laid their child in her arms. Cedric took Minerva's place in supporting Hermione on the bed, and the couple kissed and gazed down at the screaming baby.
"She's got some lungs on her." Cedric said. "Just like her mother. Maybe she'll wind up singing as well…"
"Well, at least one of us will be." Hermione replied. Cedric's heart dropped just a little when she said that – not wanting to hear Hermione speak as though she would not be the one singing. Cedric helped Hermione shift back to the top of the bed and lean against the pillows. Molly approached, tears streaming down her face as she touched the infant's face. "My first grandbaby." She grinned. Minerva smiled, with tears in her eyes, as she left the infirmary to inform Arthur that had had a granddaughter.
Cedric and Molly took the baby to clean her up while Poppy delivered the placenta and conjured clean sheets for Hermione, who was now shivering. Cedric came back over to Hermione with their tiny bundle, which now stopped crying. Instead – she was looking up at her parents with curiosity, as though she were processing everything in her surroundings. Hermione and Cedric lied next to each other, gazing down at their daughter with love that seemed to radiate off of their skin.
In the next room, Tonks, Remus, Albus, and Minerva were all hugging each other. Molly and Arthur hugged and cried as they made their way into the infirmary – with the rest of the group behind them. When they reached the curtain, Molly said "Knock, knock. Feeling up to any visitors?"
Hermione smiled, "Of course." She said, as her protectors filed around the bed – anxious for a glimpse of the newest member of the family. Hermione held her out for everyone to see, there was a collective gasp as the baby's head was covered with a mixture of dark brown and dark auburn hair. Her bright emerald eyes cast curious glances from each person in the room.
"She really does have Weasley in her!" Arthur exclaimed as everyone laughed.
"Yeah…thank Merlin." Hermione said. She had been having nightmares about the baby coming out with white-blonde hair.
"Look at her!" Tonks said, "It looks as though she's trying to figure us all out!"
"Definitely a Hermione thing." Minerva stated.
Hermione handed the baby off to her parents and rested against Cedric.
"Well, have you come up with a name yet?" Remus asked.
"Yeah." Hermione said. "Cedric and I used to talk about what we would name our children all the time. "We decided on the name Morgaine for a girl."
There was a collective sound of approval around the room as Minerva said, "It's the perfect name - I always knew you were an old soul, Hermione." Minerva then cooed at the baby, "Morgaine Le Fay was an extremely powerful witch, just as I am sure you will be!"
"I thought about a middle name while I was pregnant, and decided on the name Eos – after the Greek Goddess of the dawn who was said to bring the hope of a brand new day." Hermione continued.
"I think that is a perfect name, Hermione. Very appropriate." Albus said, nodding his head.
Molly kissed the top of her granddaughter's head and said, "Well, Morgaine Eos, welcome to the family."
Remus and Tonks kissed Hermione on the top of the head, as well as the baby, before leaving to give Hermione some rest. "Don't worry, Hermione, we haven't let down any of the wards and still have aurors patrolling – we're also tracking down Lucious and Bellatrix." Tonks said.
Hermione smiled up tiredly, "Thank you all. I'm so sorry for how I've behaved, I'm grateful and lucky to have you." Tonks held her hand up – indicating for Hermione to stop apologizing – she then took Remus's hand and they walked out of the room.
Poppy came in as Remus and Tonks were leaving. "I hate to break this up, but Hermione needs to try and feed the baby now."
Everyone nodded, said goodnight to Hermione and Cedric, then filed out of the infirmary. "We are only one room away, if you need anything, dear." Molly said. Hermione enveloped her parents in a tight hug before they left for the room they once occupied the last time Hermione was in the infirmary. Poppy then began instructing Hermione on how to breast feed. "It may take a few times for her to get the hang of it, but don't get discouraged." Poppy said. So, throughout the night, Hermione would wake to try and feed Morgaine. It wasn't until early morning that Hermione felt her daughter finally suckling. It was the strangest feeling, and it scared Hermione a little – flashing back to the Granger house and then the dungeons. It was 9 months ago that Lucious Malfoy was at her breast…and now his child was. It was overwhelming, and too much to bear. Tears welled in Hermione's eyes as she said, "I can't. I can't do this! Cedric, please, I can't!" Cedric took the baby and tried to calm Hermione as she pulled her shirt down.
"Shh. What's the matter bebe?" he asked.
Hermione stood, bracing herself against the bed for support. She walked along the edge of the bed, visibly trembling. "I can't." She repeated, looking at the baby.
"What can't you do?" Cedric asked, concerned. When he saw the glazed look in Hermione's eyes, he knew right away that she was having a flashback. "Poppy!" He hollered, hoping she would hear him. "POPPY!" He yelled again. "Hermione, please, sit down bebe, I don't want you to fall over." Hermione couldn't hear a single word he was saying. She was stuck in her head – she sank to the floor and hugged herself. The surroundings of the infirmary were replaced by visions of the dungeon. Her body was confusing the aftermath of childbirth with the aftermath of rape – her head was swirling and she felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room. Cedric placed the baby in the basinet by their bed and he ran to find Poppy. He entered her small room which connected to the inside of the infirmary, without knocking. "Poppy!" He yelled. She woke with a start, heart beating fast.
"What? What's the matter?" she asked in a panic.
"It's Hermione, she's having some sort of flashback – she freaked out when she was breastfeeding." Cedric said.
Poppy threw on her robe and lit a candle – making her way to Hermione, who was curled in the fetal position on the floor. Poppy dropped to her knees in front of Hermione's face and tried to snap her out of it. "Hermione. Hermione wake up!" Nothing. "Cedric, help me get her into bed." The both of them carefully lifted Hermione and laid her gently onto the bed as Poppy ran a diagnostic, just in case. "There's nothing physically wrong. What did you say happened?"
"I don't know, she was trying to breast feed, when all of a sudden she said over and over "I can't. I can't do this." Her eyes then sort of lost focus and she was inching away, as though she were afraid of the baby. I could tell she was having some sort of flashback." Cedric said, shaking his head.
"You don't know what triggered it?" Poppy asked.
"It's like I said – one minute she was feeding, the next minute – she checked out." Cedric said.
Poppy thought for a minute, rubbing her face. "Alright. All we can do right now is keep an eye on her. I'll grab you some formula in the meantime for Morgaine – Hermione obviously can't feed right now."
While Poppy was retrieving the formula, Cedric looked at his fiancé – his face lined with worry and helplessness. He stroked the side of her face as she trembled. "Where are you, bebe? What is happening to you? Please come back to us, Morgaine and I need you."
"The cries around you, you don't hear at all. Because you know I'm here to take that call. So you just lie there when you should be standing tall. I wish I could lay your arms down, and let you rest at last – wish I could slay your demons, but now that time has passed."
As Cedric continued to stroke Hermione's cheek, she became increasingly agitated. She was shrugging away from him, waving him away, until at one point she began physically fighting him. Cedric knew that she was hurting, he knew what she went through – but he also knew how she acted when they first saw each other for the first time in months – she was excited, relieved, grateful. Cedric knew he needed to be patient with her, but her mood swings were basically the same as before he left. One minute they were so in love, the next she was screaming at and hitting him. He knew she went through hell, but he was going through his own personal form of it as well – trying to give her what she needed, even when no one was entirely certain what it was that she did need – she didn't (doesn't) even know. Cedric was exhausted. He spent the past 8 months looking for Hermione, to finally be reunited – only to have her fight him off. He was beyond exhausted – his emotions finally got the better of him, overruling logic – as he grabbed her wrists – lifting her off the bed and screaming – "Goddamn it, Hermione! I am NOT. YOUR. TRAGEDY!"
Hermione's eyes focused for one moment – in fear. Cedric realized what he did – only it was too late for him to take it back. Hermione had tears streaming down her face as she let her head hang back as she cried.
"Let her go Cedric." Poppy said. She had apparently returned with the warm bottle of formula right before Cedric had his outburst. She spoke quietly and sternly – "I think you need to go get some rest. You are exhausted, everyone is – but this isn't helping her or you right now. Molly should be here any minute now, I asked her to come and relieve you for awhile – now I am glad that I did. Go. Get some sleep, get a shower, get some food – then come back when you can control yourself."
Cedric released Hermione, nodded his head as he stood up – and left the room, without kissing Hermione, without saying goodbye. He returned to the prefect quarters that were still set aside for him, laid down on his bed – and cried. He didn't know what to do – it was not a problem that he could solve.
"Would it not be a comfort, just for a time, to believe that we create our own Heavens, and our own Hells?"
He hoped that asking her to marry him would bring them back together, but now he felt just as lost as when he was out there looking for her. 'Patience is a virtue' he told himself…Merlin I wish I was more virtuous. As he laid there, weeping, he reminded himself of something his mother once told him "Everything will look brighter in the morning." He acknowledged how exhausted he was, and felt ashamed for his outburst. He repeated what his mother said to him over and over until he fell asleep.
As Cedric was drifting off to sleep, Molly Weasley was climbing in bed with her daughter – wrapping her arms around her. Hermione knew it was her mother by the scent of sandalwood – she rolled over and held onto her mother, neither of them saying a word. Comfort and closeness was what was needed right now. Poppy moved the baby to her quarters in order to take over feedings until Hermione was able to get some rest and recover. Molly could tell that her presence was calming Hermione down quickly – when she first put her arm around her, Hermione stiffened and she could feel her heart pounding hard and fast. After Hermione realized that it was Molly, she instantly relaxed – until she was finally able to doze off. They slept like that for almost 3 hours before Hermione began to wake up. Without disturbing Molly, Hermione walked away from the bed and over to the window that she shattered 8 ½ months ago. She closed her eyes and was flooded with memories. She closed her eyes and recalled the feeling of the glass and rain showering down upon her. She recalled how free it felt – the exhilaration of weightlessness, the excitement that she felt in the pit of her stomach as she knew she was about to welcome death with open arms – only to be torn away, yet again, by the people she loves. A single tear ran down her cheek as she recalled the feeling of being finished – of being complete, the only thing tethering her to the earth was modern medicine and machines. She was in her own limbo, waiting for a release which never came. She saw salvation on the horizon – a place where all her fears and worries would be laid to rest. She knew that everyone she ever cared about was safe and well, she saw her release from pain on the horizon – but was unable to grasp it. She was stuck in-between, stuck in the darkness for 2 weeks – awaiting a decision from those who supposedly knew her best. Though it was dark, she still felt safe – and warm – and complete…until she was torn away – thrust back into the blinding light of the world - where everything is bright, everything is harsh…and violent. It is hard to understand someone's "best intentions" when you are the one who has to suffer for them. When Hermione recalled these memories while she was away, they made her sad – but now that she was back in the place where the memories were spawned, it was almost too much to bear. She thought she wanted to come home, she thought that she wanted her family – but she was now in sensory overload. Now back in the infirmary, she remembered when Minerva brought her back, she remembered the sadness, she remembered overhearing that she was pregnant, she remembered wanting to die, she remembered running away. Old feelings were soon stirred up with each memory she had from her last days in Hogwarts over 8 months ago – only now, she had a child. A child that she vowed not to kill…but a child she also vowed would never come to Hogwarts.
Hermione was extremely confused. She tried to remain logical. She tried to remember that she wanted to come back – that she wanted her family, she wanted to come home. Another side of her was arguing that the only reason she wanted any of this in the first place was her fear for not being able to suitably deliver her child. Hermione's mind was waging a war – one side, still angry for the violation that she endured in the dungeons, and in the infirmary…in her mind. The other side was trying to rationalize that she needed a support system – that she needed to come back with humility and forgiveness – that people make mistakes. Hermione sat on the windowsill that she once took a flying leap from – and looked outside. She watched the rain fall, it always seemed to be raining when she had these thoughts. She began to wonder for a second if she had the ability to control the weather with her emotions – but quickly dismissed it as the weather being at the wheel of her moods instead. Hermione attempted to rationalize. She loved her parents. She loved her brothers and sister – and Harry. She loved the rest of her family (Minerva, Albus, Remus and Tonks). She loved Cedric…
Hermione had a moment of realization – it was Cedric. Yes she wanted her mother when she was alone and scared – but what child doesn't? Cedric was the trump card. He wasn't there when she was attacked, wasn't there when she woke. She never felt happier than when she was with him. She was so glad to see her family and have them bring her back to Hogwarts…her home…but her heart did somersaults when she saw Cedric at her bedside – like her two halves were glued back together. Cedric was what was missing – it was him all along. Yes, she had nightmares and flashbacks – all out of her control, but the only thing she has ever been certain about in her entire life was Cedric. She didn't come back to Hogwarts to deliver…she came back for Cedric. She came back for the piece of the puzzle that was missing.
Hermione was not well – she knew that, but she also knew that Cedric was the only medicine that would work on her. While she was looking out the window, she had a fleeting feeling of jumping – once more, knowing that Albus wasn't there to pull her back. She no longer had a child in her womb – the child was safe…she could fly if she wanted to. In the instant she had that thought, it was dispelled from her mind. She knew what she wanted. She knew what she wanted to do. She knew what they had to do. Hermione crept to Cedric's quarters and whispered the password. She entered his room and saw him sleeping on his bed. She approached the bed, slid under the covers, and put her arm around him. Cedric woke instantly – gazing into the eyes of his soul-mate.
"I am so sorry." Hermione whispered.
"No, petite bebe, I am so sorry. I was tired, I wasn't thinking." Cedric replied.
Hermione held her finger up to his lips – silencing him. "Listen to me. You are the only thing I have ever been sure of…you and Morgaine that is. I know I have a long way to go – we all know that, but I think that the only way I can travel that road is if I am with you and Morgaine…alone. There are too many memories here. I'm sure they haven't told you everything – but I did try to kill myself Cedric. I'm sure you suspected something of the sort…" Hermione stopped when she saw tears develop in Cedric's eyes. She continued on: "I sat at that same window this morning. I thought for one moment that I could free myself once again – but all that filled my head was you, and Morgaine. I don't want to leave my child without a mother, I don't want to leave my fiancé without a wife. I know that you are Morgaine's real father – you will always be, which is why I want to have them perform the Blood Rite with you, Morgaine and I."
"So Malfoy can't track Morgaine?" Cedric asked.
"No, you horses ass." Hermione said with a smile. "Because YOU are Morgaine's father, and I want you to be her father flesh and blood. We always talked about having children, and I don't want to have a child that does not belong to you. Besides, what if this is the last child I will ever have?"
"Don't be stupid." Cedric said. "We always said that we are going to cover ourselves in children."
Hermione's smile faded. "A lot of damage has been done Cedric, don't count your children before they've hatched." She joked. "Morgaine completes us, and I want to perform the Blood Rite so you never doubt me when I say how much I love you. This baby is ours."
"I never doubt you when it comes to love, bebe." Cedric said.
Hermione shook her head, "You say that Cedric, but I know that it isn't true. Hell, if our roles were reversed – I would probably doubt it myself."
"Such little faith you have in me!" Cedric said.
"It's not like that. What I'm trying to say is that I have given you no indication of my love for you over the past 9 months. If I did, I wouldn't have run – I would have sought some way to find you." Hermione said, intertwining her fingers with Cedric's.
"Don't blame yourself, bebe. You went through a lot – by yourself, no matter how many people were around, you were alone. Decisions were made without you – without me. You knew that I would have made the decision that you wanted. You were scared, and didn't know what to do. But we can forget all of that now. We are together. If I can help it, I will never leave your side again. I promise." Cedric said.
"So you will perform the Blood Rite?" Hermione asked hopefully.
"Of course I will. I told you already that Morgaine is ours." Hermione said.
"And then…after…?" Hermione asked. "Everyone wants to see me put on a happy face. I feel like I need to smile and be 'ok' for everyone…but that isn't me, Cedric. I can't do it."
"If you're born a lion, then don't bother trying…to act tame."
"That isn't your responsibility, Hermione. You do not need to feel responsible for the comfort of others – except yourself and Morgaine, to which I will share that responsibility. All you need to worry about is getting better…and I will support you with whatever way you decide that you need to do that." Cedric said.
"You would?" Hermione asked, in disbelief – as always. "You don't need to, Cedric. What about school?"
"Why does a man do what he musn't? For HER. To be HERS…to be a kind of man."
"Life is much bigger than that, bebe. We both know that. We are each other's lives. We always have been, and we will do what we need to do – for each other…and if this is what you need to do…I would do it for you…I will do it with you."
"Running away, let's do it. Free from the ties that bind. No more despair, or burdens to bear – out there in the yonder. Running away? Go to it…where did you have in mind?"
Hermione paused, looking at the sincerity in Cedric's face as she said: "I think all three of us need to make some new memories…without the threat of old ones sabotaging us…"
Cedric nodded and kissed Hermione lovingly on the lips.
"…You think you know…what you are…what's to come. You haven't even begun. Find it…"
TBC! Please review! I'm almost running dry on ideas – let me know what you think/what you would like to see! PLEASE! I do heart reviews!