Bad Taste
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Lan Fan watched as Winry bounced her foot nervously, staring at the piles of clothing sprawled out on her bed. She sat quietly at the girl's vanity, waiting for the blow up to happen. Truthfully, she was surprised her friend hadn't already started to have her typical 'date night' melt down. Usually when she called her over to help pick out an outfit, she was already a nervous wreck threatening to call off the date for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but her and her frazzled state of mind.
Then, it happened. She let out the trademark sigh, her hands left her hips to fly up in the air, and her expression turned blank.
"This is stupid!" she exclaimed, and clapped her palms to the top of her head. "Why can't I just pick one?!"
...And there she goes, Lan Fan thought. Without hesitation, she pulled out her phone and began to look through her contacts. "Want me to call Garfiel down?"
Winry let out an exaggerated gasp. "He's going to get so fed up with me!"
"Nonsense," Lan Fan replied, and dialed the number. "He's assured us both that he loves doing this. Besides, this is date number seven, right? He'd be offended if we didn't. "
Winry groaned and nodded with defeat. "Thank you."
"It's what I'm here for," she replied, and the phone began to ring.
"Helloooo, Lanny!" the eccentric man chimed. "How can I help you, dear?"
"Winry is in need of assistance," she stated. "It's date number seven with 'tall, blonde, and charming'."
"Oh my word," he whispered. "How bad is she?"
"We've caught the beginning," Lan Fan informed. "If you come now, she'll be fine."
"I'm on my way, darling!" he exclaimed. An "Oh, Alex!" could be heard in the background before she hit 'end call'.
"They're both on their way," she told her, and Winry let out a long sigh.
"Now," Lan Fan started, and stood beside her dear friend. "Let's put away the sweatpants and overalls. You know how angry he gets when you pull them out for dates."
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Approximately three and a half hours later, Lan Fan walked back to her apartment physically and emotionally drained. Evenings like this with her friends reminded her why she was so happy she and Ling met at a young age. They never had to experience the bar scene and idiocies of being twenty-somethings trying to find their perfect match.
Ling was sitting on the couch when she entered, laughing at some slapstick show with Ed and his brother. He beamed at her and patted the cushion beside him, signaling her come and join. She smiled softly back and made her way over, plopping down on the seat with an unintentional amount of force.
"Need a beer?" Ed asked, then got up and started towards the kitchen as Lan Fan nodded deeply.
"How did it go down there?" he asked her, wrapping and arm around her shoulders.
"We were able to avoid a breakdown," she sighed, and stole a swig of Ling's beer, "but her nerves are shot. It's been a long time since she's met a guy she really likes."
"You're telling me," Ling replied. "What date number is this again?"
"Seven," she informed, and Ling's jaw dropped.
"Hey," Ed called, as he walked back into the room, cracking open a beer of his own and tossing one to Lan Fan. "What are you guys talking about?"
"Winry might be getting laid tonight!" Ling cackled.
Lan Fan smacked him on the arm, successfully quieting him, and said. "Winry went on an important date tonight with a guy she's been seeing for a while."
Ed's brow crinkled at the statement.
"Ah," he said, then shrugged his shoulders as took a swig of his drink. "Good for her, I guess."
"I hope it goes well!" Al added, earning a rather heated glance from his brother. "Do you know the person?"
"He's a classmate of hers," Ling explained, his voice bouncy and emulating a girlish sense of excitement. "He wants to be a surgeon. He's got great hair, broad shoulders and soooo tall."
Ed grimaced as Al laughed awkwardly.
"Knock it off, Ling," Lan Fan warned, and the man quickly cut the act. "He seems like a nice guy, so we're hoping for the best."
A knock on the door interrupted the conversation, and seconds later, Garfiel and Alex entered the apartment, cases of beer and bottles of wine tucked under their arms.
"This is a night to celebrate!" Alex bellowed. "Whether the date is a hit or miss! We need to get a party going!"
"We brought the wine and beer!" Garfiel cheered, and the group jumped to help carry the drinks, or pop them open.
As Lan Fan placed the bottles of wine on the kitchen counter, she could have sworn she heard Al tease Edward about something, but shoved it aside.
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It was ten thirty-five when her phone began to buzz. Lan Fan was sipping on her fifth beer, chuckling as Ling sang "The Circle of Life" with an intensity that only inebriation could help him deliver. She pulled the device from her pocket and unlocked her screen, wondering if her grandfather was sending her a list of tournaments for the next month. To her surprise, and dismay, it was a text from Winry.
"Oh no," she whispered, and opened the message.
(10:36): Call my phone in five and pretend you're dying. PLEASE SAVE ME.
"Guys," Lan Fan shouted, but they didn't hear her. "HEY! STOP THE PARTY!"
Everyone paused and turned to the girl.
"The date is a bust," Lan Fan announced, and an echo of 'no's began to spew. "I've got to call and get her out of there."
"Did she say what's wrong?" Garfiel pouted.
"No," she replied, "but I'm sure she will once she gets home."
She waited the specified time and made the call.
"Hello?" Winry answered, her voice husky, but obviously fake.
Before Lan Fan could begin a horridly executed lie, Ling grabbed the phone and began to cry far too loudly into it.
"WINRY," he sobbed, clutching the phone as though his life depended on it. "WINRY, I'M SO SOR-RY-Y-Y-Y!"
"What the fuck…" Ed began, then rolled his eyes and snatched the phone. "Winry, we need you back home. Lan Fan is about to kill Ling, and I'm not stopping her."
A shrill sound came from the other side of the phone; no doubt Winry pretending to be in distress, and Ed hung up.
"Here," he grumbled, and cracked open another drink. "Now, let's get weird."
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Winry walked into the party about a half hour later. Her hair was disheveled and her makeup was a little smeared, but Ed was surprised by how nice she looked.
"Winry dear!" Garfiel cried out. "What happened?!"
Winry's shoulders drooped as she flung her head back and let out a loud groan.
"Well," she began, rolling her neck as she grabbed a beer. "Turns out Russell is into some weird stuff that I could not partake in."
Ed made a face at the name. Russell? Jesus, the guy's name alone was a train wreck. What loving parents would name their kid Russell? It sounds like a potato chip company.
"Oh-ho-ho!" Ling oozed, wagging his eyebrows at her. "What kind of weird stuff?"
Winry's face flushed a bright shade of red as she tried to explain what happened, and Ed found her embarrassment damn near adorable.
"He-ohmygod, I don't even want to say it!" she laughed, covering her face in her hands. "He…"
With a deep breath, she lifted her head and squinted her eyes shut. "He said he wanted to lick me clean like a pussy cat!"
Everyone in the room's jaw completely dropped, followed by a chorus of 'WHAT?!'s.
"He did, he did, he really did!" she cackled, and began to give, in full detail, the entire, horrible experience of what happened once she went back to Russell's house.
Ed couldn't stop cracking up. Never in his life did he ever hear someone fuck up so royally. It was hilarious! And he thought he had awkward partner experiences!
"Okay, okay!" she shouted, still red and laughing. "I need, like, an entire bottle of wine, please. I've got to erase this date from my mind."
"I gotcha," Ed shouted, and moved to the kitchen.
Al went with him, grabbing a cold beer from the fridge as he poured Winry a drink.
"Well," the younger brother said, placing a hand on Ed's shoulder. "At least you now know she's available."
Metaphorical glass began to shatter inside of Ed's head.
"What the.." he snapped, completely and utterly baffled. "Shut the hell up, Al."
The little shit chuckled and shrugged his shoulders as he left the room, an all-knowing smirk plastered on his shit of a face. Ed glared at him as he followed behind, but was stopped by Winry as she reached for the glass in his hand.
"Thanks, Edo!" she beamed, her cheeks still rosy from all the blushing, and winked as she took it.
Damn, she is kind of cute, he thought, but shook his head and waved off the thanks as they joined the group once more. He wasn't going to think on that now. She was an obnoxious, loud, annoying neighbor who was still in college and had bad enough taste in men to date one that wanted to "lick her like a pussy cat". There was nothing interesting about that.
…. Plus, Al's comment made him want to avoid any form of 'I told you so' for as long as humanly possible.
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