A/N: I just had to vent, plus JDM said in a recent magazine that John is definitely an asshole even though he loved Sam and Dean. Abuse is a complicated subject, so I figured Dean would definitely have some feelings about his dad being in Heaven with him.
Dean knows he's in Heaven. He knows he died. He knows that that's the real Bobby sitting with him. He knows his kid is God and so obviously would've remade all of this. And at the mention of Cas…
How could he not have told me he was back? Why didn't he come find me?
But that's the least of Dean's worries right now. No, his biggest worry is that his dad, John fucking Winchester, abusive asshole and definitely not a contestant for any Father of the Year awards, is in Heaven. He was in fucking Heaven. He knew he'd been here before, but… why was he still here? Yeah, he'd done some good in his sorry life, and yeah, he'd given up that life for Dean, but did that make it alright?
Fuck, Dean had thought he'd come to terms with this when his dad had come back in 2019 thanks to that pearl. But now…
He'd put it to rest, honestly. He had realized it was okay to love him. Yet, all this — the beautiful realm around them — did he really deserve it?
Dean remembers nights of John drinking, and drinking, and then he'd yell. He'd throw things. He'd scare the shit out of Sam, and Dean would hold his brother, putting himself between them. Only a few times had the broken shards of the bottles hit Dean. But that was real. The words John yelled at Dean were real. And having to protect Sammy from him, that was real. The hunter friends he'd brought over who would say disturbing things about Dean, who would put their cigarettes out on him… that was real.
Was hurting your own sons not enough to damn you? Did doing it in the name of love make up for it? Did Dean want John to be damned?
He knows what it is to be damned, knows what it's like to be tortured in Hell. Dean wouldn't wish that on anyone, and yet, some deep, fundamental part of him knows, his dad doesn't belong here.
So when Dean drives, he drives away. He's not ready to see his dad. He doesn't want to see his dad. Since this is Heaven, it's his choice, right? So no, he wasn't going to go see him and pretend everything was alright, pretend it was all okay.
The peace Dean had once thought he'd made with all of this was cracked open now, exposing the bloody, snarling beast within; the beast born of a child's hurt.
When Sam comes, Dean doesn't tell him. He can't tell him, can't ruin his brother's peace like that.
Look out for Sammy. That's my job.
John was an entitled asshole for thinking he'd given Dean that job, that Dean had done it because of his orders. True, he had given it to him, but he hadn't done it through ordering him around. He'd done it by getting angry, by showing Dean that maybe he was the real monster, by proving time and time again that Dean was Sam's only parent.
Even now, even when he was supposed to be at peace, he can't let it go.
Sam deserves to be happy.
So Dean lets him be happy.