Notes:
Inspired by a talk show I used to listen to by the same name. Written for the Kurtbastian week 2020 Day 5 prompt 'angst', but not quite as angsty as you might imagine.
"War, War, War, War of the Roses!"
The pre-recorded announcement, surrounded by loud fanfare, blares through Kurt's phone. He moves it away from his ear before the d.j. follows with: "It's War of the Roses day on Magic 92.5! Hop on the website, send us a text, or call and leave us a message, and you, too, may be featured on War of the Roses! Today, we have Kurt on the line, ready to share the troubling story of him and his husband Sebastian. Kurt - thank you for joining us."
"Th-thank you for having me," Kurt replies, hating the way his voice sounds, the way it rattles around his dry throat. Hating what he's doing. Hating that he gave the show their real names! What an imbecile he is! People he knows listen to this show! His boss Isabelle listens to this show! She must be listening now because he hears a beep over the line - a sign that another call is trying to wedge its way in. When he doesn't answer it, it disconnects with a chunky bwap-bwap! A second later, messages start flooding his email, which he left open on the laptop in front of him. And not just from Isabelle. From Rachel, Mercedes, Santana, Brittany, Chase …
Kurt lifts a hand and closes the lid, shutting them out.
Oh boy.
He's only been on the phone for 30 seconds and he's already made a mess of things.
"Kurt," the d.j. says, "why don't you start by telling us why you contacted us? How can we help you?"
Kurt sighs. I contacted you because I'm stupid, he thinks. And insecure. And, frankly, I should hang up right now and put my phone in the freezer for safekeeping before I do anything else stupid. "I … I think my husband might be cheating on me."
Canned ooo'ing follows his admission, and if he didn't regret this decision before, he certainly regrets it now. He can't stand the idea that they're using this situation that's been keeping him up at night as the punchline of a joke. But he can't blame them. He did this. There are other ways to go about this that he should have considered first. Counseling. Private investigators. Honest and open communication with his spouse. But for some reason, when his husband got up early and left for work without waking Kurt for a goodbye kiss for the eighth day in a row, Kurt broke. If his marriage isn't working, if they're headed for Splitsville, Kurt needs to know today.
Now.
Sooner, if possible.
And that's when he leaped for his cell phone and made this ill-advised call.
Kurt didn't think there was anything wrong with his marriage. He thought they were happy – blissfully so. But for the past few days, things have gotten odd between them. Strained. And Kurt doesn't know why. He needs to find out.
Lucky for him (depending on how you look at it), the radio program had a last-minute cancellation. The person who was scheduled to be on this morning decided to take matters into their own hands and run their unfaithful spouse over with a Cadillac.
A Cadillac that wasn't theirs to begin with.
The station called him practically a second after he got off the phone with their answering machine.
"And why do you think your husband might be cheating on you?" the female co-host asks in a voice sympathetic from years of practice.
"Well … he's been avoiding me." Kurt winces at that weak excuse. To be fair, Sebastian's firm recently landed a huge client - their first of this caliber in years. And since one of his partners is out on maternity leave, the job of wining and dining had fallen on Sebastian's shoulders - a task he hasn't performed in close to a decade; one he never liked much, especially after he and Kurt got married since it kept him away from home. "But on top of that," he says, leaving that pertinent information out, "he's been talking a lot about some guy named Martin."
"Really?" the d.j. says, working hard to make this revelation sound like the scandal of the century since Kurt isn't giving them much to work with. "And what has he been saying about Martin?"
"He's been very complimentary about the job Martin has been doing down at the office." Another wince. "A-and my husband isn't normally the kind to hand out compliments. Plus, they've been working a lot of late nights - meetings, overtime, all last minute, that sort of thing."
"Do you think Martin is doing something other than working that your husband might actually be complimenting him on?"
"Maybe," Kurt says meekly, his heart going from ache to break. He hadn't put those thoughts into words before today, hadn't even texted them to his closest confidants now crowding his inbox. This is the first time he's getting it off his chest … and he's doing it to millions of people he doesn't know.
He can hear Sebastian's voice in his head, laughing and saying, "Smart, Kurt. Very smart."
"Alright! Let's get Sebastian on the phone and find out what's going on once and for all!"
"Okay," Kurt mumbles, covering the fact that the host's apparent enthusiasm to destroy Kurt's life put him on the verge of throwing up.
"What we're going to do (for those of you who don't know how this works) is offer Sebastian a dozen romantic roses to send free of charge to the person of his choice," the d.j. explains.
"Let's hope he says Kurt," his co-host adds.
"Yes," Kurt says, and very unlike him, he begins to pray.
He prays Sebastian doesn't answer the phone.
He prays Sebastian's secretary answers instead and tells them to send the roses to Kurt, Sebastian's one true love. Kurt would accept that, hearing it second hand. That would be fine. Hearing it from Sebastian's secretary would be almost like hearing it from Sebastian. She's a trustworthy soul, not inclined to cover for her boss.
He thinks.
Most of all, he prays that no matter who answers, no matter what happens, he's wrong.
Ring-ring.
Ring-ring.
Ring-ring.
Click.
"Hello?"
Sebastian answers and Kurt's stomach drops. In the time it takes Sebastian to complete that word, Kurt recalls the way most of these things end. Then his mind, which rarely seems to be on his side lately, conjures up how it might end for them.
This phone call and their entire marriage.
"Let's get a name for the card, Sebastian. Who would you like us to send those roses to?"
"Let's send them to Martin," Kurt imagines his husband saying in a sly, seductive voice without pause.
"Martin? And what message would you like to go with it?"
"Make it out to Captain Flexible. And write 'last night was incredible. Here's to many more late nights in the future'."
That nightmare spell shatters when Kurt hears the d.j. say his husband's name. "Sebastian?"
"Yes?" Sebastian answers, already sounding annoyed. No one who calls Sebastian's office line ever calls him by his first nameexcept family.
And Kurt.
"Hello! My name is Andrew, and I've just opened a new flower shop in Uptown called The Rose Knows."
"Good for you," Sebastian says dryly.
"We're calling businesses in the Midtown area with our first promotion. We're offering a free dozen romantic roses to send to the person of your choice. And all we ask in return is that you recommend our shop to your family, your friends, your co-workers …"
"You must have the wrong number. I don't need anything for free. Put an ad in the Pennysaver like everyone else."
"I'm not sure the Pennysaver's still in business."
"Not my problem."
Kurt bites his lower lip, grinning when he should be in tears, the nervous flip-flopping of his stomach, like pancakes on a griddle, causing his abs to cramp. But that's his husband. His Sebastian.
So far, so good.
"Come on," the d.j. presses. "We're a small business, just starting out. Do a man a favor. Have some community spirit."
Sebastian sighs like this is so beneath him. He stays quiet, and Kurt knows he's debating between messing with this guy or hanging up on him. But Sebastian probably figures he's not going to shake him until he gives in. Besides, Sebastian is nothing if not a networker. A flower shop would be of no use to him, but who knows? "Let's see. Who in my life deserves free roses? My mom's birthday is coming up, so maybe I could send them to her. Or my sister. She just had a baby."
"Oh! Congrats!"
"A-ha," Sebastian says, the amount of unimpressed in his tone staggering. "There's Martin Lewis ..."
"Martin?" the d.j. repeats, stressing the name subtly to put emphasis on Kurt's concerns.
He doesn't need to. Kurt's heart has already stopped.
"Yeah," Sebastian says, his voice going softer. "Roses would definitely brighten up his office."
"And why does Martin deserve roses?"
"Not that it's any of your business, but he's been busting his ass helping me put together a huge proposal. Plus, his wife's in the hospital. He could bring them over to her."
"O-oh ..." The d.j. slips. That's probably the last thing he expected to hear.
"Or you know what?" Sebastian's voice drops a register, a hint of wickedness lacing between. "I could send them to this guy I absolutely worship."
"Oh really?" The d.j. recovers, seeing things start to turn around. The hosts definitely root for a happy ending, but it's no surprise that angst makes their ratings soar.
The cringe-factor of someone confessing unaware to their infidelities.
Their listeners eat that up.
"Yup. The most amazing, sexiest man on the face of the planet. The man with the biggest heart of any human being I have ever met. The man I call the Energizer Bunny because he can go all. night. long. The man I hope to spend the rest of my life with."
Kurt hiccups. His heart, a useless lump in his chest, lodges in his throat.
"And who would that-?" But before the d.j. can interject with their usual spiel, Sebastian continues.
"But I think he's worth more than a bouquet I got for free from some lame-ass radio talk show. What do you think, Kurt?"
The line goes dead.
Kurt has been listening to this radio program religiously for close to seven years, and to his knowledge, this has never happened before - a caller called out by their s.o. But the d.j. is on it because he immediately plays an old school 'wah-wah' noise to show that Kurt has been caught.
"H-how did you know?" Kurt asks.
"Because I know you, Kurt," Sebastian says. "I know the kinds of things you do when you panic, and you mostly panic when you feel like people you love are going to leave you."
"Yeah?" Kurt sniffs, a tear rolling down his cheek. Adding to his list of things he hates, he hates that Sebastian knows him so well. "And what do I do?"
"You kind of go off the deep end." Sebastian chuckles, lighthearted and anxious, reminiscent of the night he asked Kurt to be his for the first time. "And I understand why. I'm sorry I've been distant lately. And I'm sorry about the late hours. I've just been caught up at work. I swear that's all. But Kurt … can we talk about this when I get home? So I can look at you, in your eyes, and tell you that there's no way in heaven or earth I would ever cheat on you? It took me a long time to win you over. There's nothing that could persuade me to give you up, not for anyone."
More sound effects - an awww followed by applause - play in the background as the d.j. and his co-host attempt to maintain control of the show.
"So … you don't hate me?" Kurt asks.
"For which offense? Doubting me, my loyalty, and my love for you? Or airing our dirty laundry on the radio?"
"Uh …" Kurt awkwardly clears his throat. "All of the above?"
Sebastian sighs again. He sounds exhausted, but also like he can't wait to get home and give Kurt a good ribbing. "Yes, babe. I forgive you."
"Thanks. And I'm sorry about all this."
"Apology accepted. I mean, what're a few tawdry secrets among friends? Strangers? The barista down at Starbucks? My clients?"
"When should I expect you home?" Kurt rushes to cut him off, feeling more like a heel than he had before. "I know you have another big meeting and …"
"I'll be home in about an hour. Wait … make that an hour and ten. I'm going to stop by a real flower shop and get you some roses. I think you're overdue."
"Really?" Kurt says, so astounded, so touched, he doesn't hear the cheesy music the d.j. has started playing in the background.
"Yes, really. And Kurt?"
"Yes?"
"Be naked when I get there," Sebastian growls.
The music stops, skidding to a halt with the sound of a record scratching. "Guys … uh … you're still on the air."
"Sorry not sorry there, champ," Sebastian says and hangs up the call.
So does Kurt, shoving his phone in the freezer before the station tries to call back for a recap.