if you can't hold on, hold on
Chapter 4
As Sasuke wrenches his arm from Sakura's grasp, it strikes him that she still doesn't understand. His weary heart spasms. It's a small betrayal. He doesn't know why he expected her to. He has no idea what he wants from her- to demand to come along? To shut up and let him go?
Sasuke runs and refocuses. Itachi should be the only thing on his mind.
His family, Itachi, and his own hands wrapped around his brother's throat.
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Naruto is no coward, but he's smart enough to know when to run.
He would do it too, if he could move his feet.
Paralysed by the power of the Sharingan, Naruto quakes. The strange man with his friend's eyes is so tall. Will Sasuke be that tall someday? He wonders. The man's face is lined. His mouth is grim and emotionless. This is more familiar. He reaches for him and Naruto notices the unchipped purple paint on his nails.
On second thought, Naruto thinks, unable to break eye-contact. They're not the same at all. Their eyes are shaped different. And Sasuke's have never looked so cold.
He has the time to think about these things, in the eternity it takes for Sasuke to arrive and scream a name that Naruto has never heard before.
"ITACHI!"
Sasuke doesn't see it, because Itachi is still looking at Naruto, but just for a second… he's rattled. His eyes widen infinitesimally, his jaw tightens. And then he turns away from Naruto to face him.
Sasuke races at his brother, a Chidori charged in his fist. His blood screams murder and it contorts his face monstrously.
In moments, Sasuke is on the floor, the Pervy Sage has arrived and Itachi is gone.
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The worst thing in this world is having to wait. Time is rude. It passes as it pleases and arrives no sooner than it wishes, even to fit one's schedule. Regardless of if someone is waiting on pain to pass.
Time may heal, but Time is very slow about it.
Sakura sits between Sasuke and Kakashi's beds, updating everyone's emergency contact forms. She nicked Naruto's for good measure.
Naruto's file has Iruka and Lord Third as his emergency contacts.
Sasuke listed no one.
Kakashi's are old and out of date, there are three names on his form, each of them with the words KIA stamped next to them. She wonders if they were his team.
Sakura numbly stares at her file. She taps the pen against the clipboard, struggling with what to do. In the end, bitterness makes her scribble out her parents' names. They're not here anymore. They can't help her now.
She writes her teammates' names with a steady hand. Then repeat. She does this for all of them. She doesn't care what any of them have to say about it, if something happens to any of them, she is going to hear about it or so help her-
Tears fall on her fists, clenched over the pile of clipboards.
How could he be so stupid?
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When Naruto walks into the village with the Fifth Hokage in tow, he expects cheers… adulation.
Instead, no one seems to care. Like. At all.
Doesn't anybody realize what a badass he just was? He fought a giant snake! With a SLUG! He's so freaking cool, he can't wait to tell Sakura and Sasuke.
Thinking about his teammates sobers him slightly. He hopes the Old Lady can fix Kakashi and Sasuke... No, he knows she can. She's the Hokage.
Naruto believes that things will work out. It's arguably his best quality.
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He doesn't want to say anything, but Naruto wonders if Sakura has showered since Kakashi and Sasuke have been in the hospital. He tightens his grip on her shoulder and steers her in the direction of Sasuke's apartment, while trying to surreptitiously keep upwind of her. She usually smells so nice, he feels bad.
He's worried about her. She's gotten scary quiet again, like right after her parents…
It's a red flag.
"Don't worry, Granny's awesome." Then, behind his hand, like he's telling her a secret, "But don't tell her I said that."
Sakura's lips twitch and so does Naruto's nose, like he's caught the scent of a rabbit.
"She'll fix them. You'll see."
She nods grimly and unlocks the door.
At least she's not catatonic. He can work with this. This is nothing. This is run-of-the-mill worry. Manageable, and frankly excessive. To Naruto, Sasuke appears indestructible.
In the hours immediately following their encounter with Itachi, Naruto had freaked the fuck out. Seeing Sasuke immobile, possibly dead, at his brother's feet had chilled him. Naruto loves Sasuke, like a pet or favourite brand of instant ramen. Except not like that at all.
It would suck to lose him.
Days later, with a solution in hand, the terror of a dead teammate is long forgotten and Naruto can get back to doing what he does best: repressing the shit out of all pain and trauma and cracking jokes.
Naruto offers Sakura the first shower. Like a goddamn gentleman.
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Kakashi wakes up first.
He's in a shockingly good mood for someone who's just been mentally eviscerated by a former comrade. Sometimes, Kakashi surprises even himself with his stubborn refusal to be consumed. With Obito and Rin fresh in his heart and Minato-sensei even fresher, what he holds on to is that he remembers all the details.
The bar is low.
As it sometimes does, the urge to go home and look at his team photo overcomes him. It has a new spot on his vanity, next to the only picture he has of his brats.
Gai slaps his back hard enough for it to hurt, but he won't let it show. "Eternal Rival, it's good to have you back among the living!"
Kakashi sighs and thanks him, then drops his legs over the side of the bed.
"What! Where are you going!? You shouldn't be moving around."
"Sure I should," and like it's nothing, he gets up and pauses by Sasuke's bedside. "That idiot went after him, didn't he?" he sighs again. "I suppose it can't be helped. I'm going to go meet with our new Hokage."
"Wait!" Gai calls out to him, even though he's already out the door. "At least put on some pants!"
Kakashi looks down at his hospital gown, chagrined.
Shit.
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Sakura doesn't seem to want to go back. She's shaking when Naruto leads the way back to the shared hospital room.
Kakashi isn't in bed, which gives Naruto a bit of a scare, but a nurse pops her head in to let them know that Gai took him out for a little walk. "He'll have him back before dinner I'm sure!"
"Oh good," Naruto elbows Sakura, "So he won't miss the jello." The nurse in unamused by his joke.
They're not seated for long when Naruto declares himself fed up and bored. "Geez, Kakashi-sensei's awake."
Sakura sets aside the plate of apples she'd just finished peeling.
"What's taking him so long?!"
"Shuh uuuugggh," Sasuke groans.
"What?!" Naruto jumps to his feet, "What'd you say?!"
"Naruto-"
"I said," Sasuke's voice is hoarse, his eyes snap open and find his loud teammate immediately. "Shut up."
"Why you-!"
"Naruto. Go find the doctor!" Sakura takes his place by Sasuke's side and does what comes naturally to her. "You're okay," she reassures him in a hollow voice. "Everything's going to be ok," she lies, at a loss to do anything else.
Soon, Naruto returns with the paternal nurse from the other day. He checks Sasuke's vitals, while the boy stares numbly ahead; unfeeling and uncomprehending.
"I don't understand, Granny said he was supposed to be better!" Naruto shouts, worried.
The nurse kindly and patiently reassures him, "He is, but your friend has just been through a really traumatic ordeal. Be patient with him, he's still recovering."
Naruto has lots of questions, for both the nurse and Sasuke. He wants to know who that man, Itachi, was. He knows he must be related to Sasuke somehow. He has a weird Sharingan and they look so similar. He doesn't know the particulars of the Uchiha Massacre. It's not exactly taught in school, and it's not like he has parents who were around to ask. Everyone their age kind of knows about it. They all remember when Sasuke came back to school after a week long absence.
He was numb. Quiet and cold. He was different.
It's been a long time since Naruto thought about that. He's had no need to. But now he considers these memories in conjunction with the very fresh witness he bore to Sakura's loss. They reacted the same. He's never before considered how similar in temperament his teammates really are. They've lost something that Naruto never had.
On a better day, with lower stakes, Naruto might not have put this together. But, sitting by Sasuke's bedside while he stares straight ahead and Sakura peels apple after apple, he has nothing but time to think.
I want to kill a certain man. The words of a year ago come unbidden. Sasuke had one goal.
He thought Sasuke had come to find him, but he'd really been there for Itachi.
Sasuke wants to kill his brother. The only family he has left in the world.
And Naruto cannot possibly understand that. He's not yet thirteen. He understands that the slash on Itachi's forehead protector means he's a missing nin. It has been explained to him that the cloak with red clouds is the mark of a dangerous organization. He knows Itachi was after him, or rather, after the tailed beast sealed inside him. And yet, Naruto cannot conceive of a good enough reason to kill one's brother, not when they're the only ones left.
He's too good.
He cannot fathom a world where someone would murder their family.
It does not occur to him that this is the crime for which Sasuke holds Itachi accountable.
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Anger's a tricky thing. Without an outlet it will fester beneath the surface. It will become a sour lump, curdled in your gut. It infects.
Cut out the anger or let it run its course. But do not ignore it.
Unchecked, it consumes. It burns.
It kills.
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There's a plate of apples on the floor and Sasuke is angry. At Itachi for everything he has done. At Sakura for not coming after him. At himself for going after Naruto. At the village for their impotence. At Kakashi, for being so hurt he could not advise him. At Naruto for being the subject of his brother's notice.
So he takes it out on them all, but none more than Sakura and Naruto.
It's so easy. They're always there. They never leave his side. Sakura with her sad eyes. Naruto with his impatient sighs. He resents the devotion. They should have let him die. Better to be killed than to live in shame at being unable to exact his vengeance.
So when Sakura tries to get him to eat the slices of apple she'd carefully cut up for him, he slaps the plate out of her hands.
That's the thing about devotion. Sasuke knows that Sakura and Naruto will always be there. They've been through so much together. They live in his home. It's been a year and somehow none of them know how to be apart anymore. So Sasuke knows this: no matter what he does or how he acts, they will never leave him. So he acts out. He tests the boundaries of their sympathy. He tries their patience and kindness with the unrelenting fortitude of an expect cross-examiner. He's looking for holes, for chinks in the armor.
Subconsciously, he is testing them for the day when things will get harder.
He's not sure which outcome he hopes for. They make him so weak, but also, so very strong.
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On the roof of the hospital, the turmoil in Sasuke is expelled into the world.
Sasuke stands on one side, Naruto the other.
Sasuke doesn't know how Naruto allowed himself to be roped in. But he isn't in a frame of mind to think about that quite yet. All he knows is that he is hungry for a fight. He can taste blood on his tongue and breathes fury out, white hot.
Naruto is always getting on his nerves, saying the first thing that comes to mind. He just moves in without even asking. He put a bed in his room! And uses all the toilet paper. He was able to help Sakura where he couldn't. He has reserves of power Sasuke couldn't even dream of.
And Itachi, for whatever reason, is interested in him.
Maybe it's latent feelings of inadequacy. Maybe it's the burning pain of knowing he's still not worth his brothers time, even at the end of his sword. Maybe it's nothing at all, except childish resentment of an annoying boy who doesn't understand him as well as he seems to think he does.
Sasuke and Naruto charge.
Perhaps they would have killed each other.
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Sakura runs, feet pounding against concrete in futility. She knows before she ever makes a move, that she will be too late.
It's a good thing that they're a family of four.
Kakashi takes a wrist in each hand and swings them around like sacks of laundry. Sasuke goes flying into the ledge. Naruto thuds against the vent, leaving a dent.
"Pull yourselves together," Kakashi orders in a cold, hollow voice. He shoves his hands in his pockets and heads for the door, passing a shell-shocked girl, "Sakura," he nods as he passes. "You're up."
Kakashi will perhaps come to regret this decision. He miscalculated. He has not accounted for the change in her, he would have had no way to do so.
Anger can be like that.
Or perhaps, he was giving her a gift. Maybe he was unleashing her. Still, it chafes that theirs is a mess she is being sent to clean up. Just like always.
Sakura stalks over to Naruto and helps him to his feet. Then she heads for Sasuke.
For a moment, he expects her to help him up. He's already primed to slap her hands away.
Except that Sakura's hands find the front of his shirt, and throw him up against the ledge. She twists her fingers into the fabric and her face closes in on his. There's a mania in her movements; panic in her eyes. And tears, though few.
"What is the matter with you?!"
"Get off of me!" he tries to shove her away, but he's been in a hospital bed for a week. He gains an inch but she manages to shove him back again.
"Not everything is about you."
"You don't know anything!"
"Sakura," Naruto starts.
"Stay out of this Naruto!" Sasuke and Sakura shout in unison.
"You can't just run off like that. Then you come home and you're a dick to me and to Naruto?! What did he do? You could have killed him! We're your friends. You have to tell us things."
"I don't owe you anything!"
"Well, maybe I owe you something!"
"And you're not my friends!" She reels. Her hands fall at her sides, numb.
Something has been bubbling up inside Sakura for a while now. It's a sick, sour concoction made of tragedy and boiled over the burning bridges around her. It's gotten worse since they saw their sensei prone in a hospital bed for the first time. Sakura has been dealing with a lot. She's furious with her dead parents, for the simple act of not being alive anymore. She's mad at the village, who failed to protect them all. She's angry with herself for being angry at all. But right now, most of all, she's angry with Sasuke. That selfish prick.
She's been holding it in all week. Every time Naruto fretted over her being sad or worried, what she was really feeling was rage. It's wrong. He's hurt and in trouble. He's just been through a traumatic experience. And he's done so much for her. But her guilt isn't enough to hold it all in anymore.
He continues, "You have no idea what you're talking about!"
And Sakura is reignited, "I don't know what I'm talking about?"
"Sasuke, man that is way out of-"
"STAY OUT OF THIS NARUTO." They scream again.
"If ANYONE know what you're going through, it's me!" Without thinking, her fist flies, nailing him in the nose. The back of Sasuke's head cracks against the concrete ledge. "My family is dead!"
Blood wells in his mouth. He spits a wad of it at her feet. "You lost your parents, I lost everything!"
"IT'S NOT A COMPETITION!"
"Then welcome to the club, Sakura. Are you happy now?! Do you feel like you finally matter, now that you understand pain?"
Sakura's hand flies again. He flinches, but her slap falls just short of his cheek. She holds her palm a breath away from him. He can feel the heat of it.
Then she retreats.
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a/n: This chapter took some unexpected but hopefully enjoyable turns? Let me know what you think! Finally finished my thesis so hopefully that means I'll have time and energy to return to updating regularly.