When I was a child I didn't have much ambitions. One of them was to look cool while standing in a virtually empty bus, trying to look like those college girls: so mature, so conscious of themselves and free, holding the books in one hand like it was barely an inconvenience... It was stylish. Fancy. I adored that look and feeling they exuded. I wanted to be like them, I emulated that whenever I could, for no reason at all other than I was a kid, I had the energy and I felt happy doing it.
When I was young, barely big, my most fond memories weren't of snow or beaches or toys. It was of the helium balloons sold on kiosks of malls or outside fairs. The cellophone looked shiny, always, it had good-well messages, cartoons with happy smiles and they were magically up! I could hold onto them and they were higher than me, I could hold onto them and get that small happiness whenever I wanted untill they started to hang down. And down. Until they touched the ground and lost the mystique but not the good memories.
When I was a teen, small boobs disturbing my clothes in a flare of upcoming womanhood, I had a crush on the neighbour's son. He was tall, polite and smart and his parents gave me the keys to their house so that when he arrived after school he had to call my name so I could give them to him. I ran the 10 meters space between the door and the gate. Because I was embarassed in going too slow and risk annoying him. Because I wanted him to appreciate my movements. Because his face's expression always looked a second before a grimace of tiredness and upper intelligence I was too young to understand.
I grew. Became aware of the roses that laid in the walks, made a game of picking them up to make perfume... Learned that beauty could be in a moment if taken out of context or that beauty could last forever if I left the flowers live their whole life uninterrupted. When I used this newfound knowledge in my interpersonal relationships I realized that I didn't want to be the prettiest person in the room (that I liked being the emotional support of the "hottest" girl when she felt harassed) and I didn't need to be the smartest being in the school (no need to be called to answer when my field of interest was specific to things outside of academia). Still, somehow, I got saddled with a fame of annoying girl, butting into everyone's business, never actively contributing to clubs, not even in a social level.
It was a struggle to adapt.
I still liked dancing. And volley was a beach activity! Played with friends! So I did try to be the best dancer and the best teammate at volleyball. I was good even. Not amazing because there were others more talented in the field. But I had charisma and I wanted, so that was enough to keep on doing it. I busted my knees and most of my joints and it was not enough, I was ostracized by other dancers because I dreamt of a charming prince and didn't care for school yard dating and the kissy-makers. I was ridiculed by Umino and others classmates because I wasn't fully commiting to either my studies or the sports. Nobody seemed to care when I was praised at those things and that the minimal validation made my day. It was fine either way, my family seemed not to mind, except when they wanted to know the date for the next performance and my friends supported me when they could, even if they didn't grasp the big deal of internal struggles. Molly had her tennis, she got some of it.
But when it came to the dances... Noh mai or suzume odori doesn't need much talent, was the preconceived view. You need stamina and time and to really like the art. It isn't like ballet where every one already knows how hard it is to do those things. A street performer or some elderly at the bon odori? Yeah, that was good, kudos. But they think they could do the same if only they invested some ten percent of their attention into it. Not even to rationalize that I, clumsy as I am, can dance a whole routine without stumbling because I practice some of those moves since my parents put me in school!
This may sound like I'm regretting my choices but I really am not. I didn't like the vicious rumors I've heard on the arcade, but I knew about my life and my choices and reputation, I didn't need outside counsel. I got stressed with the questions over school performance or about a supposed dance career. I felt bad in both of the options, considering how mean people could be due to jealousy and trying to advance their own interest. I lost childhood friends, mostly people that wanted something from me or my family... Eventually people wanted to see me cry but belittled me for being too sensitive.
Sounds strange to the overachievers out there but I really just want a comfortable life. Mediocrity seems like such a dirty word, they keep pushing the lecture that if you don't fight for a better life yourself your future will automatically be poor. Apathy and freeloading, that's what the government fears out of the large, entirely too large, population that doesn't contribute as much to the increasingly large wage gap we instaured. I pay attention! I see the failures in the system!
But
What does it mean... to have no ambition in a cut-throat world such as this that we live in? To want to be the sidekick and not the protagonist? Just content to be a good daughter, sister, friend, citzen, lover?
This is the point where I usually think about my wonderful friends. They're not wonderful only because they treat me well and our friendship flourishes while we look pretty and fight evil under the moon! Their worth becomes clear specially when I think about their personalities and sense of selves. That's because, no matter how young we all were when we first met, I already knew they were going to do amazing things, that they were already amazing deep individuals.
Ami was driven, studious, her sad feelings due to her absent parents weren't enough to diminish just how happy and reliable she is. She wanted to be a doctor, to do good just like her mother did, to make her proud even if she couldn't be there always. Her sense of responsability is what awes me whenever I think about the girl that finds fun in studying; that managed to conciliate her wants with the needs for her goal. Like a cool wave coming to the shore.
Rei was focused! That feisty temper? It was never chaotic and without a target, she always knew exactly where to look and how to apply the heat in the more convenient spot! She has fire in her eyes and the arduous of spirits, of course she was more than ready to take care of her grandfather's temple! Even if she had to impossibly be coerced to running her father's company? She could do it and would do it well out of pure spite.
Minako, cute and larger than life, was ambitious and she saw no obstacles at all. She wanted to be famous! A star, a singer, an actress, a fashion model! Whatever and whichever got her under the spotlight and the care of perfectly adoring strangers. She's not one to stay alone. Her hearts sings brighter when she has company and ways to distract herself from heartbreaks and responsabilities that seem unlikely with her smile.
Dear Makoto was so talented! That she could, already, easily choose to be a baker or a florist! Her giving nature means that being around people in a service oriented manner got her joy. And she could chase away negative thoughts of loneliness and violence; her strenght was as rooted and fierce as a tree, with branches that lend shadows and protection to the ones she loves. But her anger... It's as swift as a burst of lightining and is a risk to her in equal proportions to her want to protect everyone.
Me? What did I have? A wish (that some would say it was immature, childish and problematic) to be married and cater to my husband, to raise a daughter with him, to keep my family and friends safe, to keep drinking milkshakes and play videogames with nothing to temper my mood negatively. With all this information, I would like to add one more to the file: I would die gladly to prevent evil to take over the world. I wouldn't say that was a bad characteristic to have, really. Except my teacher hates me and says I'm going to amount to nothing in life, my parents are disappointed in me and my mother cries every night because I'm a failure, my brother has not even a hint of respect for me, my friends didn't believe I was a princess, even the enemies don't overestimate me, they think I'm weak and nothing... That I only inherited the Silver Crystal and that's it.
It's tantamount irresponssible wanting to save the world and do nothing to help with its upkeep. Caring about the happiness and health of the subjects without managing the politics of hospital budgets or free entertainment for the weekends. That doesn't mean I won't learn how to do it and that I don't want to help anyway I can, I would volunteer, always, to make things better. I'll inherit Crystal Tokyo as well... Like a queen, the Neo Queen Serenity everybody is expecting somehow, waiting for me to casually spring the trap of a new world and hoping my genetics isn't a fluke and will help me govern.
Adulthood changed the weapons and powers for a fight with worlds and a strange mechanical apathy. It is still a battle, and I'm fortunate to have my friends as advisors, jumping to protect this world we so painstakinlgy saved. Although I'm still confused most of the times, I realize (have to think again and again whenever I forget) that what made me Sailor Moon wasn't my battle skills, what made me Usagi wasn't my perfection, what made me Serenity, daughter of the queen that managed to banish chaos for so long... was my heart. That's why the Silver Crystal accepts me and I can wield it; it's the same sensitivity from when I was a kid.
So.
When I was mature, I faked being childish.
Notes:
Not betaed (when I kind of wanted it to be). Maybe OOC.