if you can't hold on, hold on
Chapter 7
Last time: Team 7 accepts a mission escorting a diplomat to peace talks in Sand. Sasuke is still recovering from his confrontation with his brother and he and Sakura still aren't on speaking terms. Sakura's been acting strangely, which affect the team dynamic and endagers them all.
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Sakura's momentum carries her forward. The sickle slashes deep and gets stuck on her collarbone. As she falls to the ground, so does the blade, unarming her assailant. Blood chokes her. She can't breathe, but she doesn't feel any pain either.
Someone screams. Sakura fights against the dark. It's thrown over her like a shroud, she gets tangled up in it and pulled under.
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The fourth attacker is struck down as quickly as he appeared. A three-man cell drops to the forest floor from above. They're dressed in black and white armour, their masks; garishly painted with a bear, a tanuki and a vole.
Sasuke blinks and the enemy nin are all dead.
Kakashi's opponent is nailed against a tree, with a knife holding him up by the neck. The healer is dead on the ground with a senbon in his eye. The sickle-user, in a bloody heap.
It occurs to Sasuke that Arakawa never once looked afraid.
"SAKURA!" Naruto screams.
Kakashi is by her side in an instant. Pulls her skin together like the front of a coat. She's ripped open, insides glistening in the sun. She gurgles, drowning in her own blood and struggles to make eye contact as her teacher slowly and clearly says her name over and over. "You will be fine. Just hold on. Hold on."
The ANBU wearing the vole mask walks leisurely towards the least decimated of the enemies; the sickle user. He binds his hands with wire then drags him to the nearest tree. His hands glow green and he presses them against the man's front. Sasuke was wrong, the man comes alive with a lurch forward and a gasp. The healer continues to work.
"What are you doing?!" Sasuke demands, "She's dying and you're wasting your chakra on the enemy?!"
No one flinches. No one explains.
Naruto moves to confront Vole but is stopped by Tanuki's hand, an iron vice on his shoulder. "He's saving him so that we can interrogate him."
"Yeah, AND?"
"You are interrupting."
"I do that when my friends are dying and somebody isn't doing anything about it."
He tries to move, but can't. Sasuke is torn between tearing him apart (not that he could, realistically) and tearing over to Sakura's side.
It is this moment that he'll examine later, self-hatred seething underneath his skin. He'll wonder at the choice between acquiring vital information and sitting numbly-quietly-uselessly by his friend's side as she lays dying in their teacher's arms. He won't be able to help thinking about his priorities and where they should be. He'll doubt. He will clench his fists and look at Naruto, asleep on the other side of the room, because he made the right choice and he can.
He just spent three days in the span of a moment, watching his family die all over again. He still isn't recovered.
Sasuke will edge closer to the interrogation, crane his neck and hide from the grief and fear already coming to claim him. He cannot lose another person, and he most certainly cannot watch.
He cannot make his person save her and the waiting will mortally wound him. So he stands close.
Sasuke-kun
This man is going to give them nothing and Sakura is dying.
If he doesn't say something soon, Sasuke might kill him. This is a treasonous, venomous thought. The voice in his head that encourages every violent idea seems to align with his truth, for once. The hateful voice promises it will be easy. He could slit his throat or throw a knife from afar. His katon would be effective if not for the rest of the ANBU cell.
His fears and fury kept him from focusing on the true puzzle: what was a group of ANBU agents doing following them?
Kakashi was having no such issues. An unfortunate side-effect of being a veteran; one can multitask with their grief. As Sakura's life wanes, he considers the sacrifices people are willing to make in war-time. He did not want this for these kids. He thought he could protect them.
Team 7 was bait. They protected Arakawa under the watchful eye of an ANBU squad, who were ready to swoop in if they were attacked. They waited until they could ascertain the position of the fourth attacker. Kakashi was able to feel their eyes on them from the moment they left the village gates. He didn't think they'd let any harm come to a Konoha nin. Then again, if she'd just done what she was told…
But it's no use dwelling now.
Team 7 would bear witness to far worse today.
Kakashi does something he hasn't done in years, he prays. He doesn't think there's anyone listening, but it helps. Just let her live, he begs. And give me the strength not to tear this man apart, put him back together and force him to heal her.
He will do his duty.
"I should be helping," Naruto whispers to the ground under his knees. "If this goes faster, then he can fix her."
Kakashi's raises his hand to give Naruto's head a firm pat. "There's nothing you can do." He gave her a soldier pill. His hands are in her wound, holding her together. Her eyes are glassy and out of focus but she's breathing. Every few breaths she whimpers. Tears slide down the side of her face and into her hair. She doesn't seem to see or hear them anymore but every once in a while she'll say something that must be their names. Kakashi-sensei, Naruto, Sasuke-kun. Kaka-sensei Naruto Sasuke-kun. Kaka-senseiNarutoSasuke-kun.
It isn't long. It's really only twenty minutes, but their hearts are tireless hammers for the entire time.
This afternoon has revealed a terrible truth to the young members of Team 7. The life of an enemy who can give them information holds more value than a comrade who's been struck down in battle.
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These twenty minutes are the second longest of his life and by the time Vole's hands come away from the enemy, Sasuke worries it is too late.
At the end of those twenty minutes, regret pulverizes him. He should have sat with her. She should have been able to see all of their faces while she said their names over and over. She's his friend and he feels like he's failed her.
This was never going to be worth it. All the enemy can tell them is information they already know: Sound sent them.
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Vole is nothing like Naruto imagined healers would be. He is brusque and cold. He doesn't seem to invest himself in the people he's healing.
"Move," he commands Naruto, "Set her down," he orders Kakashi. Neither of them wish to move far, but they do as they're told. Kakashi removes his hands from Sakura's open gut at the last possible moment.
The rest of the ANBU squad have taken watch positions. One has disappeared altogether. Sasuke stands where he's stood the whole time. Vole kneels by Sakura and puts his healing chakra finally, thankfully, rightfully to good use.
Sakura groans in pain and says their names again. Naruto knows he shouldn't interrupt but- "Can I… Can I hold her hand?"
Vole looks up, the impassive white mask hiding whatever reaction Naruto's words elicit. "Yes."
He snaps up and returns to her side, careful to steer out of the medic's way. He makes eye contact with Sasuke and glances meaningfully down at Sakura, then back again. It's a mark of how much he's changed that Sasuke hardly reacts or protests. Vole is on her left, Naruto's on her right. He doesn't want to be in the way so he sits by her head. He doesn't take her hand, but he hopes that him being here is enough. It seems to be enough for Naruto at least.
The boy beams at him through his tears. Maybe he's done the right thing.
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It's decided that Team 7 is not needed for the last leg of the mission. The boys bid Arakawa a cold goodbye. The sickle user lies dead in a pile with the rest of his cohorts.
Sakura is supposedly healed, but has not yet awoken. Kakashi drops his pack into Naruto's lap and hitches her on his back. For once, Naruto doesn't complain or demand Sasuke share the burden.
The discomfort they feel with themselves won't disappear anytime soon. They resent Arakawa, Vole and the entire team. They even resent their new Hokage. They kind of resent themselves a little bit, thought they don't know what it is they should have done.
Kakashi sets a punishing pace, but they don't complain. They have an entire day's journey ahead of them and only five hours of light left.
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That night, Kakashi is the only one to keep watch. He tucks Sakura into her sleeping bag between Sasuke and Naruto, then plants himself at their feet, facing the forest.
In the morning they set out again, totally silent. Not even Naruto speaks for the rest of the day.
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Sakura awakes in the hospital and wonders how much of the last few months have been a dream.
She stares at the ceiling contemplating what she knows to be the truth and what she wishes were true instead. She aches with wounds that are gone. Her fist clenches around her hospital gown, over her stomach, then she traces over the dotted pattern, where the skin is slightly raised. It's poorly healed, it'll scar in a long line from her clavicle to her hip. The man who healed her had other talents and priorities. She clamps her left hand over her eyes and cries.
When the door opens, Sakura's tears have stopped, but she hasn't moved her hand. Her team takes up a vigil for her dying soul. She doesn't say a word.
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Kakashi can't spend any more time in hospitals. He just can't. So he leaves Sakura in the incompetent but well-meaning hands of her teammates in favor of figuring out a game plan for when she gets out.
That brat…
He doesn't know what to do.
Ever since the fight on the rooftop she's gotten out of hand. It started with anger at Sasuke, but he's come to realize that it's more than a fight; more than typical teenage resentment. There's something deeply wrong with Sakura.
Her temper's gotten shorter. Anyone who tries to talk to her gets their head bitten off. She doesn't do as she's told. She's an unknown quantity and thus, dangerous.
How is he going to get through to her?
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When she's well enough, Kakashi leads the convoy back to their shared apartment.
"How are you feeling?" he asks gently, when the door is closed behind them.
"Fine," she replies coldly.
"Boys, how's the soundproofing in this place?" Ever pleasant.
"Pretty good I guess," Naruto replies, "I never hear the neighbors doing it and you know they do. Have you seen them-?"
"Thank you Naruto," a pause, "then I won't feel too bad about what's about to happen."
Kakashi grabs Sakura by the front of her shirt and lifts her up so they're nose to nose. "Are you out of your mind?" he growls. "You disobeyed a direct order from your commanding officer." He drops her to the ground unexpectedly, but she manages to catch herself. "You endangered the mission, your team and our charge. The fate of the entire village was in our hands and you bungled it."
Sakura recovers from her shock quickly. "EXCUSE ME?!" She's never seen him so angry before.
"You put yourself at risk, got in the way and didn't protect your charge. That is unacceptable and I am this close to pulling you from active duty."
"Are you kidding me?! I didn't do anything Sasuke or Naruto don't do on a regular basis! Why do I always have to protect the client. I fought back!"
"You would have been killed-"
"Sasuke turned himself into a pincushion on our first ever mission! Naruto stabs himself in the leg like biweekly. Explain to me how what I did is any different, Old Man!"
"You are disobedient, unruly, and incompetent. I don't have to explain anything to you, you're benched."
"No I am NOT."
"ARE YOU SO DESPERATE TO BE ANGRY AND HATEFUL?!" The sudden roaring fury in Kakashi's eyes makes them all stumble back. "IS THAT WHAT YOU ASPIRE TOWARDS?"
"Sakura, stop," Sasuke tries to intervene without budging from his usual bored tone. It used to be that a word from him would stop her hysterics. Not anymore.
"AND YOU. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU DON'T SPEAK TO ME. DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME." She whips back around to Kakashi, "If it was such a hassle letting someone save me then by all means, next time don't bother. Just let me die."
"If you want to get yourself killed so badly, I can have that arranged, but it won't be on my watch."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that I wash my hands of you. Those who betray their comrades are worse than trash. You put your team in danger and you're not even sorry. You're a liability and you don't belong on this team."
Kakashi storms towards the door, the shouts of his students ignored.
"Kakashi-sensei, you've got to be kidding!" Naruto protests.
"You can't just-!"
With a feral scream Sakura throws her hands in the air and stomps to her room, slamming that door behind her.
Sasuke and Naruto stare at each other for a full minute, uncomprehending.
"Uhhhh," Naruto begins, eyes wide. "What the hell just happened?"
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They met for training at the usual time.
Ever since they moved into Sasuke's apartment, they'd walked down to the bridge together. It did wonders for Naruto's punctuality. This morning, the boys cast surreptitious glances Sakura's way as she stalks along the path, arms crossed tightly. She hasn't spoken a word to either of them. The only acknowledgement they receive at all is a series of glares.
They're still processing that she almost died two days ago, so they can't find it within themselves to be angry with her just yet. Sakura has no such qualms.
Just to be contrary, she steams ahead and arrives first.
At the bridge, they take their usual spots to wait. It isn't a long one.
For the first time that any of them can remember, Kakashi arrives on time. He poofs into existence at the summit of the bridge. His one visible eye stares Sakura down. He doesn't even acknowledge the boys. "What did I say?"
"You say a lot of stuff," she replies.
Naruto, who has a healthy fear of his sensei whisper-screams shut up shut up shut up!
"You aren't welcome here," then, coldly, falsely pleasant. "You can go home now."
"No."
"I won't ask you again."
Sakura bravely meets her teacher's gaze and juts her chin out in open defiance.
"Leave!"
"Make me!"
"No problem!"
He picks her up by her collar, like an unruly puppy and teleports them both to Sasuke's apartment. "Don't come back until you can explain to me what you did wrong and can promise me that it'll never happen again."
"I won't! I don't need you anyway, what did you ever teach me, huh?"
"BETTER THAN THIS!" He roars.
She can't let him have the last word, "Was it worth it, wasting all that chakra to throw your weight around? Did it feel good?" She bites out. "We're all real impressed."
"Reflect upon your actions and consider that unless you clean up your act you'll have nothing left to come back to."
"Is that a threat?"
"A warning," and it isn't anger she sees in his eyes when he looks over his shoulder on his way out. It's sadness. "Don't let the anger win."
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Kakashi no longer knows what to do with her. He's not sure he ever did. He's doing his best, comforting her, placing her in the care of her boys. He could see it helping. It did them all a world of good to be together like that but the most unexpected side effects were the changes in Sasuke. He softened. He considered Naruto and Sakura's needs more carefully. Kakashi could see the effort the boy put into supporting them and he was proud. He didn't think he'd ever get here.
He wonders how he never realized. Sasuke, like any good Uchiha son, was very family oriented; dutiful. His loyalty is undying. Just because there's no one left, doesn't mean he stops being all of those things. Kakashi should have known that the best thing for Sasuke was to give him a family to be loyal to.
He never thought that would have an averse affect on Sakura. She's learned all the wrong lessons from Sasuke. He's been a bad influence on her, Kakashi miscalculated. Maybe if he separates them for a while it will do them some good. But it's not like he can make her move out…
No, that's crazy.
He never thought that she would be the difficult one. She's reached a stage of anger that's familiar to him, but not. How do you deal with that in a little girl? She can't be trusted to protect herself.
He's furious with her, he hates her, he loves her. He's terrified. Kakashi desperately needs to find a way to get her through her grief with minimal casualties.
Or, he needs to find someone else who can.
"I don't know what else to do," he confesses. "I'm at the end of my rope."
The Godaime Hokage considers him over her tented fingers. She thinks about the gouges in the hospital wall and the perfect chakra control of a natural. "And you feel that you aren't equipped to handle her because…?"
"She's turned into a brat-"
"You're not selling me on this idea…"
"-and I think the best thing for her would be to find a way to channel her anger."
Tsunade raises her eyebrows. "Into healing."
"If you like," he replies.
"I could teach her to make craters out of her anger too."
"As long as that crater isn't in my skull, that's fine by me."
Tsunade sucks her teeth and purses her lips, "I can't promise that, I'm more likely to encourage it."
"Good enough," he sighs.