if you can't hold on, hold on
Chapter 8
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Sasuke does the cooking and dishes. Naruto vacuums and dusts. Sakura cleans the bathroom and the kitchen.
The shower drain is a multicolored nest of hair and the sink is looking grimy. Sasuke grinds his teeth every time he looks at the kitchen counter but on principle, he can't clean it. He made a chore wheel for a reason!
Sakura hardly leaves her room. She never spends any time in the common spaces. Sasuke hasn't seen her in three days. Where does she go every day, while still recovering? He doesn't care. Definitely not. It's just baffling is all. And he refuses to ask Naruto. Even though he knows he knows. The blond is the more belligerent roommate of the two. He plants himself in the kitchen or the living room and stares at him. Sometimes he'll give Sasuke shit about things that aren't at all his problem. Mostly he complains about Kakashi-sensei.
That's the other thing. Naruto hasn't been coming to training. Out of solidarity.
Sasuke wakes up at 6am and rolls over to look at Naruto. The other boy is out cold and facing the wall. He wonders if he's putting his back to him consciously, or if it's a subconscious manifestation of his anger. It's a weird change. Sakura is angry. Kakashi is angry. Naruto is angry. Sasuke is just tired.
He gets out of bed, dresses and heads for the kitchen. He pauses outside the door of the second bedroom for a moment before moving on.
The smell of breakfast won't wake either teammate. Or, if it did, he would never know about it. They won't leave their rooms.
He fries a couple of eggs and breaks them over cold leftover rice.
The walk to the training grounds is quiet. It bothers Sasuke; how used to the chatter he's become. He waits for Kakashi at the bridge. He doesn't have long to wait though, Kakashi has been on time for the past three days.
Sasuke doesn't like when patterns are broken. It makes him anxious. He feels like everything's falling apart and the hateful voice in his head tells him that it doesn't matter… but it does.
"No Naruto today?" Kakashi asks, cheerfully, like he's inquiring about tomorrow's weather.
"No Sakura either." Sasuke tells him, and he's unable to keep the spite from his voice.
He shows up, because that's what a good shinobi does. They report for duty on time, ready to work. He needs to get stronger and he can't do that if he doesn't train. Naruto doesn't seem to understand that. He thinks he's betraying Sakura by showing up at all. Solidarity won't change Kakashi's mind though, letting their muscles atrophy won't teach him a lesson.
"Then I guess we'll work one-on-one on some more advanced techniques," Kakashi takes a stance, "Just like we did before the chunin exams."
With Naruto and Sakura gone, Sasuke doesn't have to share his sensei with teammates. He has the undivided attention of a master who can make him stronger, better and more powerful. He doesn't have to waste time on teamwork exercises or correcting his teammates form.
He doesn't need it. He doesn't need them. When he faces off against Itachi, it won't be with partners. He'll be by himself. And when his brother is dead, he'll finally be truly alone.
Sasuke shakes away that unpleasant thought. He isn't the last Uchiha yet. He doesn't have to think about it until it happens. He doesn't even expect to survive.
Except now he's stuck on the thought. What would it do to Naruto and Sakura if he were to die fighting his brother? It would kill them. He's not stupid. He knows they care about him. They'd die for him. It's for the best then, that Team 7 is falling apart. Maybe, if they all hate each other, it won't hurt. He should kick them out. He should try harder not to care, but it's like every time he does, something happens that forces him to admit that he does.
At the end of the session, lying panting and depleted on the ground, Sasuke achieves a moment of clarity. "She isn't like us." Which he's always known, but he's not sure Kakashi does. "You can reason with her."
Kakashi seems to find this amusing. "And I can't with you?"
"She still cares what you think."
"Ah." Kakashi sighs and rubs the back of his neck, "You're chatty today."
Fine then. He's done talking for the day. "Hn."
Kakashi takes this for the dismissal that it is and leaves first. Sasuke's too tired to move quite yet.
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Sakura discovers something new about herself. Gentle encouragement does not work. But Spite does.
She's out of the house before her teammates wake up.
It's 5am and she's barely awake, but she can't stand the thought of running into either of them in the hall. She forces herself out of bed and into the cold morning air.
At first she sits on a boulder in Training Ground #14. She doesn't know what to do. She's never planned a training regimen before. Eventually sitting turns to meditating. Sort of accidentally. She doesn't want to think about things, so she doesn't. But soon, meditating becomes difficult; all the painful thoughts she doesn't want to think bump against her subconscious until they propel her to her feet.
So she starts with what she's good at. She practices chakra control. She holds herself upside-down on a tree limb until she almost passes out from the blood rushing to her head. She does all the katas she knows on the surface of the pond. She feels the chakra flow through her network and consciously tries to control its route.
She thinks about the medic nin who healed her, and what a poor job he did. She wonders if he was incompetent or if he just didn't care. Maybe he saw her life as a waste of chakra. Sometimes she feels like he was right.
Sakura needs to prove him wrong. She needs to be better. But she can't do that by herself. She can't go to her sensei either.
The conclusion is obvious, where does anyone go to learn anything? The library.
From then on, she makes it a point each day to go to the military library. It's an archive of history, lineage and techniques. All active shinobi have access… to parts of it. There are levels of clearance and the wild-haired librarian with sharp almond shaped eyes is not someone to be taken lightly.
She starts with the chakra network. And medical ninjutsu. It strikes her as incredibly useful. Why doesn't every team have a medic? Why don't more people become medic nins? She comes to realize there are three reasons:
1) Shinobi want to be in the field and in the fight.
2) Medicnin are targets. Strategically, the wisest course is to attack them first.
3) It's too difficult for most people to manage it.
Every healing technique is high-level jutsu. It takes precision, control, power and determination.
"So that's where it's gone."
Sakura looks up, but she's been straining her eyes in the dim corner for so long that her eyes need a second to refocus. When they do, she gasps. "H-Hokage-sama!"
Tsunade rests her right fist on her cocked hip, "How'd you get your hands on that, Kid?"
Sakura's eyes widen while she struggles to come up with a good enough lie. "Uuuuh…" Masterful Sakura, great. "I found it?"
"Mhmm," she hums, unimpressed. "Where?"
"…On the returns cart."
Tsunade gestures, indicating she should stand. Sakura does as she's told. She holds out her hand for the book and the girl gives it to her. "Smart, much easier than sneaking it out of its section," she comments while leafing through the book.
Sakura shrugs as if to say it was nothing.
"You're interested in medical ninjutsu?" She purposely makes her tone skeptical, which makes Sakura's hackles rise.
"I'm looking for a challenge."
"Well, you'll definitely find it in here. This isn't where I'd advise you start." And with that, she snaps the book shut and walks away, taking it with her. "I'm sure there's something more your speed in the level D section."
She's steaming mad and she knows exactly what to do. Sakura learns best when the deck is stacked against her, when she's out of options, when nobody thinks she can win.
She's going to win over the Hokage and make her her teacher.
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"Crap, I have to go." The clock on the wall behind the counter at Yamanaka Flower Shop reads 1:45pm. "I'll see you later Pig."
Ino rolls her eyes as Sakura dashes for the door. "Whatever Forehead, do what you've gotta do."
Sakura sticks her tongue out at her friend and flicks her hair before dashing out. It's getting long again and she's not sure that she likes it. She was so upset about it when it happened, but she's gotten used to it being short. She's noticed how in-the-way it's been lately. And it's so much work to maintain, she just doesn't have the energy for it anymore. Some days she doesn't have the energy to shower. Why did she keep it so long in the first place?
Oh yeah, Sasuke-kun likes girls with short hair. She could just puke. She wanted to be pretty, to fit in, to be loved and accepted.
What does that matter now? She's all alone.
Her parents are dead. Her teacher abandoned her and her Team will be better off without her.
Fine. She doesn't need them. She's going to prove them all wrong.
She's got an appointment with destiny!
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A sweet-faced woman with dark hair named Shizune leads her into the Hokage's office for her two o'clock appointment.
Tsunade doesn't look up from her paperwork until the door snaps closed behind her. "Oh," she sounds unsurprised, "It's you."
"It's me," Sakura says self-consciously.
"What can I do for you kid? You can't have the book back, sorry to say."
"Don't worry, I already memorized it."
"You already memorized it?"
"…Yeah."
She's good at books. Books, Sakura understands. People? Not so much. Except sometimes she thinks she really really does. Then sometimes she turns out to be very wrong. She thinks of her teammates, whom she hasn't seen in days. She shakes off the melancholy and straightens her spine.
Toughen up Sakura, you can do this.
"How many bones are in your right hand?"
"27."
"How much water can your kidneys process in a day?"
"Combined or separate?"
"Combined."
"28 litres."
"Well, that's a neat trick." Like a dog. Or a trained seal. Okay.
"I need…" she hesitates.
"Yes?"
"Uh…"
"Don't waste my time. Come back when-"
"I need someone to teach me!"
"Is this you asking me?"
"Yes! Please!"
"No."
"No?"
"Can't do it. Too busy."
"But-!"
"Have a nice day!" When she turns back to her paperwork, Sakura knows she's lost the battle.
But not the war.
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The next night, Sakura waits for Tsunade outside of Hokage Tower. She leans against the stucco wall, with her arms crossed, eyes trained upward. The streetlamps have just switched on, blotting out the stars with their light pollution.
Tsunade strolls right past her and she runs to catch up.
"Godaime-sama!"
"Hm?" she half turns. "Oh, it's you."
Hell yeah it is. "I thought about what you said. And I know you're busy, but think of it like an investment. In the long run I would save you time, because I could do things like do your paperwork or fill in at the hospital for you."
"Good pitch. Still not interested." She laughs. "And you really think you could fill in for me? There's a reason they gave me the giant hat and it's not because I'm easily replaceable."
Sakura's eyes widen, "That's not what I meant at all! I just mean… I could help you!"
"No."
"I could!"
"I'm sure you'd try, but I'm not sure I want to invest my time."
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"What are you doing?" Kakashi demands, confronting Tsunade at the bar only an hour later. "You agreed you'd do it."
"I want to know how bad she wants it." She turns to the bartender. "Another bottle please."
"She's good."
"So?"
"She's talented."
"That's just another word for good."
"You said you would do it."
The bartender comes back with two cups and a bottle. Tsunade moves the second cup to her other side, out of Kakashi's reach and pours herself a few ounces. "Why should I invest my time, when you don't even want to? She's your responsibility."
Kakashi glances at the ceiling and prays for patience. "I don't know how to help her."
"Uh huh."
"I don't! I can't be what she needs. She needs someone better than me." He rubs his eyes, under the forehead protector. "I can't get through to her or make her stronger. She's nothing like me."
"Ha!"
He doesn't get why that's funny.
"She's exactly like you. You just don't see it yet."
Kakashi wants to throw his hands up in the air but he doesn't. He needs to think. Just to be a bitch, he steals her bottle of sake and takes a swig before slamming it down on the bar and heading for the exit.
"I'll give them this," Tsunade says to herself before taking a delicate sip of her sake. "They're determined."
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He's so worried he can't even concentrate on his smut. It's truly dire.
Kakashi really thought that Team 7 would benefit from being together. And they have, he thinks… But Naruto and Sasuke have benefitted more. They've softened and calmed. They consider each other's needs. And each other's pain.
That ended when Sasuke spoke to Sakura that way. His rage lit the fuse of her fury. It was the catalyst that made their progress go up in flames. But he still cares. He defended her. Maybe he doesn't have to separate them. Maybe there's hope for them after all.
But Sakura is still a danger to herself and others.
Sasuke's words come to him and he sighs. He has to fix this with words? Outrageous.
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"Good morning!"
Sakura shrieks and almost falls out of bed.
It's dark out, darker than her usual 5am wakeup.
"Hush, you'll wake the boys."
Sakura leaps to a standing position. The mattress bounces beneath her. And there's Kakashi-sensei, balancing in a crouch on her footboard.
"So?" she spits.
"You guys are so cute. Come on." He shoves his hands in his pockets and moves to the window.
"I'm not going anywhere with you."
"Sure you are, now come on."
And despite herself, she follows.
Kakashi leads her out the window and onto the roof of the apartment building. He takes a seat on the ledge and pats the spot next to him.
"Oh so you have time for me now?"
"Stop being a brat and sit down."
She does as she's told, several feet from where he's sitting.
"Come on," Kakashi says in a conciliatory tone, "Do you want me to have to yell?"
"Why?" she replies, "Are you hard of hearing Old Man?"
"Stop calling me Old Man," he complains, but off her cutting glare he sighs. "Fine. Maybe I deserve that."
Sakura crosses her arms and looks towards the horizon to avoid looking at him. Her feelings are hurt. She feels abandoned and tired. She was going to give it another go with Tsunade-sama today, but she's feeling a little discouraged. What if she never says yes? She's out of options. If she can't go on missions, she can't make any money. And what's she supposed to do every day? She can't be goalless. It's a state that leaves her alone with her thoughts, and they are her worst companions.
"Oh, I guess I should talk first." He hadn't expected Sakura to apologize first but he really thought after following her around for the past couple days that she'd be a little contrite. She's obviously unhappy with the way things are. "I'm sorry."
She tries to hide her surprise.
He explains the best he can. "I just want to make you see what path you're going down. It doesn't lead anywhere good. Trust me."
"How would you know?" she mumbles.
They're quiet for a while, until Kakashi gathers the courage to tell her the truth. "Did you know that… my father committed suicide?" she gasps. "I was the one who found him. I used to be angry. So angry. And there was nothing to fight, no enemy to beat. The only thing I could direct my anger at was him, and myself. And the world."
"…How old were you?"
"Very young," he says sadly, "I know now that when someone kills themselves it's because they've lost a very long battle against themselves. I know that it's a sickness. But that doesn't change the fact that I lost him. I lost a lot of people."
He tells her the story of his team; of Obito and Rin. "I loved them, but I couldn't do it properly until it was too late. I almost didn't go back for her, but Obito gave me some tough love. He made me see. I want better for the three of you. What you have is precious. You need to hold on to it."
There are tears in her eyes as she whispers, "I'm not sure I know how."
"Yes you do. You've always known. You held them together when things got tough. Let them be there for you too."
She swipes at her eyes as the tears fall. Kakashi scoots closer and lays a gentle hand on her shoulder. "When Sasuke and Naruto… Did you tell them all this?"
"No," he admits. "I know you guys are all different. I was trying to give you an ultimatum, make you see that what you were doing was dangerous. I was trying to scare you straight. I'm not very good at this." She giggles. "I was treating you like I'd treat them, but I also wasn't. That kind of thing wouldn't have worked on them. They'd never find their way back, but you?"
"I need them more than they need me," she says sadly.
"Nah, that's not it," he searches for the words. "You're willing to admit when you need them." It's not strictly true, but he thinks he can remind her that she's supposed to be the mature one. "I don't tell them this kind of stuff because you can't reason with a knucklehead or a robot."
Sakura giggles again, "No, I guess you can't. I don't know if I can forgive him though. I don't know how to stop what I'm feeling."
"You don't have to. But I'm worried that if you don't wake up and look around, your family might not wait around. You can't be angry forever or you'll push them away."
"It's not fair. Sasuke gets to be angry all the time, and I'm supposed to just forget it?"
"'Gets to'," he snorts. "Don't tell him I said this, but you're stronger than he is-" Off her sudden laugh, "No. Really. You're more resilient. You process, while he's stuck. Do you want my advice?"
"Not really."
He snorts, "Damn kids."
Sakura rolls her eyes but can't help the fond smile that blossoms in time with the first peek of morning sunshine over the horizon.
"All the love you feel for the people you lost, put that into something new. Love your team, love your family as much as you can. Instead of focusing on your anger, concentrate on protecting the people you love. That will make you strong. I'd tell him that too if I thought he would listen, but he likes to make his own mistakes."
"You think he'll figure it out?"
"I think he already knows. He just doesn't know he knows."
Sakura realizes something else about herself that night. More than gentle encouragement, more than spite, the will to protect the things that matter to her, motivates her best.
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The Godaime has a reputation among the higher ranks of shinobi. She's in the Bingo Book for a reason. She's tough. And deadly. Her healing powers are the least of people's worries when they encounter her. She is a fearsome choice in Hokage, her status as a sanin alone dissuades other villages from interfering. She doesn't wonder what her own forces thing of her; the truly powerful have no need to care.
She's still new. Konoha has been in a rebuilding stage. Her work has mostly been commissioning repairs, rebuilds and restructuring.
Her first disciplinary meeting begins with a silent staring contest. An ANBU officer with a mask painted like a Vole. His squad stands at attention behind him. "You deemed this mission a success."
"Yes ma'am. The envoy arrived safely and the enemy nin were drawn out and eliminated or brought in for questioning," he relays the facts with a detached tone.
"I see. But there were unforeseen complications."
"A member of the genin squad tasked with accompanying Arakawa and baiting the enemy was injured in action."
Tsunade snorts, "Yes, I saw your handiwork when she arrived at the hospital."
Because of the mask, it's unclear if he looks abashed. Or makes any expression at all.
"Consider some remedial courses. That was shoddy fieldwork and you can do better. Additionally-" Her eyes flash, her anger bubbling to the surface. "I'm not sure how my predecessor ran things, but under my administration, we do not unnecessarily endanger genin. We prioritize the lives of Konoha citizens, even at the expense of the mission. Am I making myself clear?"
"Yes ma'am!" The ANBU squad affirm together.
"Dismissed." They flashstep away, leaving the Hokage alone with her burdens. "…Fools."
It's her last meeting of the day, so she decides to leave the pile of paperwork for tomorrow. She takes the long way, climbing down the spiral staircase instead of leaping out the window. Just as she's about to walk out of the lobby, there's a flash of pink and suddenly Sakura Haruno's upside-down face is four inches away from hers.
The girl hangs from the ceiling. She looks cheerful and full of a vigor that's been lacking since the first time she met her.
She sways side to side, grinning. "Hokage-sama, please just hear me out."
Tsunade has to laugh. "Why do you want this so bad? You've come to me three times, and I've said no every time."
"I want to become stronger… and I have this feeling that you can help me do that."
"Why do you want to become stronger?"
She doesn't hesitate. "I want to protect the people I love. I want to be able to fight at their side. For once, I don't want to be staring at their backs. I want them to watch mine."
Tsunade considers her for a moment.
Sakura waits, with baited breath.
"You pass."
"Huh?"
Tsunade slides around her and heads for the door, waving over her shoulder. "We start tomorrow. At a reasonable hour, like 11."
She's so surprised that her feet become unglued from the ceiling. She falls with a shriek but lands laughing.