if you can't hold on, hold on
Chapter 12
.
.
"I'm in the unique position that Orochimaru thinks that he has something I want and that I'll do anything to get it. I'll go to him-"
"Does he?" Tsunade interrupts, business-like.
"What?"
She makes a face like she's sucking on a lemon. "Does he have something that you want?"
Sasuke contemplates how honest he should be. "Yes. I want power. He wants a body." No one interrupts him again so he continues. "If I go with his spies willingly, he'll trust me. I'll be able to gather information and pass it along to you."
"And in exchange for your service, I overlook your special training under the enemy," Sasuke wants to contradict this description, but she doesn't give him the chance. "You're a genin," Tsunade then tells him, as if it's news. "I can't in good conscience send you on an undercover mission with a classification that high. It would be irresponsible."
To Sasuke's surprise, Kakashi interjects. "With all due respect Ma'am, Sasuke is not an ordinary genin. This is an opportunity we're unlikely to get again."
Does Kakashi want him to go because he trusts him? Or because he doesn't?
Tsunade hums, "Shizune. Go fetch Anko for me." Shizune does as she's bid with a brief glance between all involved. The argument continues without her.
Sasuke wants to convince the Hokage of his capabilities. He can handle this and the plan will work. Orochimaru is in his head but he can't hear his thoughts, not really.
This is confirmed by Anko when she arrives. The older woman briefs him on everything he needs to know about Orochimaru and Sound. Together they work out the details of the mission. What to gather, ciphers, how to relay information and secure contact once he establishes himself. They go over undercover protocol and remind him that there will be no record. If he is caught, he will likely be disavowed.
"Every six months has too many gaps," Kakashi argues.
"What is the alternative that won't compromise him?" Anko wants to know, "If he leaves the base too often, it'll draw suspicion."
From his pocket, Kakashi withdraws a scroll. Everyone in the room seems to know what it is except for Sasuke.
"This is my contact with my hounds," Sasuke takes it from him with numb fingers. "You can sign it and we'll communicate through them." His question is answered. Kakashi does trust him. He feels lightheaded.
After everything they've been through the last few months—the last few weeks especially—Kakashi is willing to put his faith in him. He shows him how to bite his thumb and press it to the seal. The argument is done. It's decided.
"You understand what this entails, don't you Uchiha? You've thought about this carefully?" Months, possibly years on his own in a nest of vipers.
"I do."
"Then you'll leave immediately."
"Wait," just one last request as a lead nin. "Kakashi… could you get Naruto and Sakura? I want to say goodbye." Normally it would be hard for him to show tenderness in front of others. He's loathe to ever admit he cares about anyone. But who knows when he'll see them again. They have to know—they should know that they matter.
Sad adult eyes stare back at him from all around the room.
"Sasuke… you can't," Kakashi's voice is cloyingly sympathetic and it feels condescending. "They don't have clearance for something like this."
"So?" So.
"For this to work, no one outside this room can know. You'll be compromised," Anko explains.
"They won't tell!" This is ridiculous.
"They won't have to," Kakashi hardens his heart while trying to gentle his tone. "If they don't act betrayed. If they don't mourn you. If they make no effort to bring you home."
"If there's one thing even Orochimaru surely understands," Tsunade says. "It's what it looks like when one severs their bonds."
Anko repeats herself. "They can't know."
"They'll think I've betrayed them!"
Kakashi does not often initiate physical contact outside of a fight, but the hand he places on Sasuke's shoulder is as gentle as when he held Sakura on the night they found her parents. "Are you sure you really want to do this? You're a Leaf nin, we will not let them take you if you don't want to go."
Sasuke holds his gaze for a moment, hesitating. In his eyes, he can see kindness, sensitive to tragedy and Sasuke supposes this is one. His team—ostensibly the people he's doing this for—will hate him. If he fails, they'll never know. They might never see each other again. What's coming? E doesn't know, but he's certain as anyone in the world could be, that he would do anything to protect this family.
The culture and traditions of the Uchiha were always family first. He has no family left but a murderer. With no family, he had withered; with his team, he's grown, bloomed, come out the other side better and stronger in his convictions. He wants power. He wants vengeance, but not more than he wants Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi to live and live well.
He thinks about his birthday, sandwiched between older versions of his friends and wonders if that's what they'll really look like next time he sees them.
He recalls the toast Naruto made.
"To Sasuke, the second biggest badass around. Ten years from now, we'll still be doing this."
"But legally," Sakura supplied quietly. "To Sasuke." Their eyes met over their glasses, his heart was suddenly hammering against his sternum. All the air went out of the room and he felt pleasantly warm. Partly the beer and partly the company were to blame, but he'd never felt that way around her before.
Sitting in his office, separated from them indefinitely, he can finally admit he loves them. He thinks about all the things they almost were and prepares to mourn.
.
.
Fighting them so that he can fight for them was brutal, but Sasuke was determined.
He lays on his back, chin tilted towards the sky, sun warming his face. The rest of him feels cold. Sasuke turns his head to regard the prostrate bodies of his team. A bruise-like clouds moving in front of the sun mars Sakura's left cheek. Tear tracks fall through dirt, down her chin. Hers is the unnatural stillness of unconsciousness.
Naruto is still awake but can no longer move. They stare at each other until the remnants of the Sound Four come to collect him. Sasuke fights to keep his expression unreadable but doesn't know how successful he is. Naruto's expressions are a journey that he can't follow. What does he see? What does he know?
Thrown over a shoulder, he's carried farther and farther away. Sasuke watches them disappear through the trees. That's the last they see of each other for two years.
a/n: Sorry it's such a short chapter, but otherwise, there's no natural divide between this and the time skip. We'll see more of Sasuke's thought about everything Sakura said when he left later on but I think we all know a bit about it already ;)
From here on out, we're gonna see some divergences, but it's going to be a little harder for me to write because I have a much less clear outline for everything after this. In a way though, that's good because it opens me up to feedback from you guys!
Hope you've enjoyed this so far!