CHAPTER 40

Finn was indeed right. He did get worse as days and weeks went by. Despite the fact that he was on medication and he had weekly group and individual therapy appointments, Finn still had occasional hallucinations that he was back in Bangladesh. During these 'episodes' as his doctor called them, Finn had various coping mechanisms to pull himself out of them. Every day, it felt like he was taking one step forward, two steps back. To protect his friends and classmates from witnessing another episode, Finn became much more withdrawn in Glee rehearsal, spending almost no time with his friends after school and spending most of his time locked in his room. He was unravelling, but he had been managing to hold himself to this point. However, the next day, everything changed, and not for the better…

Finn walked into school that morning, his mind scattered like it always was. Finn hated his life. There was no easier way to say it. He didn't want to be alive. He wanted to be buried in a grave in the Lima Cemetery. But he couldn't punch his own ticket. The only thing keeping him from doing so was that he knew that if he did, Bella would be ashamed of him. Almost as soon as his ass touched his seat in Glee rehearsal that morning, Mr. Schue walked into the room and asked for Finn to follow him outside. Finn nodded and followed Mr. Schue through the school, all the way to Figgins' office, where he was met by an extremely peculiar sight: Carole and Lieutenant were both in the room, scowling at Figgins furiously. Mr. Schue soon adopted the same look and Finn was more confused than ever.

"Um… Lieutenant, what are you doing here? What's going on?"

Finn's Lieutenant looked at him with sympathy in his eyes, then he glared at Principal Figgins.

"You want to tell him?" Lieutenant snapped. Principal Figgins sighed and looked Finn in the eye.

"Mr. Hudson, there's no easy way to say this but unfortunately, you will not be able to graduate with your class at the end of this year."

Finn's heart dropped and his eyes widened.

"I'm sorry, what? Did I fail or something? I have an A- average this year! There must be a mistake!" Finn exclaimed.

"Mr. Hudson, it isn't about your grades. It's about your attendance. You missed the first three weeks of school in late-August, and you missed 9 weeks of school a couple of weeks ago. Even if you attend school everyday until the end of the year, you are still short of the number of days needed to graduate."

Finn shook his head furiously.

"No, no, no, no, no. Principal Figgins, you don't understand! It's not like I was in Hawaii, sipping mojitos for those 12 weeks I missed. I was in the shitholes of Bangladesh, fighting for my country and taking down a massive drug ring!" Finn exclaimed. Figgins nodded.

"Mr. Hudson, I'm well aware of your engagements with the United States Military. But my hands are tied. You didn't complete the required number of days."

"Lieutenant! Please! There's gotta be something you can do!" Finn pleaded. Lieutenant Brandt sighed.

"Hudson, you don't know how badly I wish there was something I could do. But the only way you could possibly graduate would be if the school turned a blind eye to your absences. There is nothing I can do from my end. I tried. Trust me, I tried. I flew all the way out here to try and convince your principal when I heard. I'm sorry, buddy."

Finn was desperate now. He couldn't believe this was happening to him. He then turned back to Principal Figgins.

"Figgins, please! There's gotta be something I can do! I could write a test, prove that I'm smart enough to graduate!"

Figgins shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Hudson. Your grades aren't the problem. Your attendance is."

Finn sighed and put his head in his hand.

"So what's the point in me even coming into school for the rest of the year if I already know I'm not going to graduate? I meant as well look for a job at a gas station on the side of the freeway as that's what I'm clearly going to be doing for the rest of my life!"

"I mean, there's Nationals." Mr. Schue remarked from the corner of the room. Finn spun around and looked at him. He had forgotten that he was even there.

"Mr. Schue, come on! Please, help me!" Finn cried. Mr. Schue looked down.

"Finn, you really don't think I tried? You're probably the most talented student I've worked with in my 20 years of teaching music and Glee. But more importantly, you're kind, selfless, caring towards others. It's killing me to not see you graduate. But put it this way… you get to perform at Nationals and spend another month with your friends without having to worry about finals."

"Figgins, please! I'm begging you. Don't do this." Finn begged. Figgins looked down.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Hudson. My hands are tied." Figgins muttered. That phrase triggered something in Finn. His shock about the sudden bombshell quickly transformed into anger and Finn stood over Figgins, who was seated in his principal's chair.

"You know, you're saying that a lot but honestly, you're just too much of a pussy to get off your fucking ass once in a while and do what you think is right, rather than what your fat-ass is being bullied into!" Finn bellowed, his outburst surprising everyone in the room.

"Finn! Language!" Carole exclaimed although she was just as enraged as Finn inside.

"Mr. Hudson, I'm sorry. I know how much graduating meant to you…" Figgins started but Finn cut him off.

"NO! You have no idea what graduating meant to me!" Finn shouted. "My whole life, I struggled. My dad, my hero, my mentor, died when I was only nine. I lived with a single mom who worked her ass off to provide me with the opportunities I got! I then was bullied by two emotionally abusive girlfriends during sophomore and junior year. Then, I joined the Army where I was, once again, bullied into getting deployed on a SUICIDE mission with only three weeks of formal training! I somehow survived that, but I obtained severe PTSD wounds because of it, not to mention being shot, stabbed and blown up multiple times! I then had a couple of months of peace, before March rolled around, and the people I was hunting in March tried to kill my fucking girlfriend! I had NO choice than to go after them, once again obtaining some serious wounds in the process! But it would all be okay, I told myself, because I had graduation and a bright future ahead of me!"

"Mr. Hudson, your mother and Lieutenant have relayed to me everything that happened to you so I am aware of your story…"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Finn bellowed at Figgins, cutting him off again. "It's my turn to talk! You know, I currently have a full scholarship to Princeton? Football was my ticket to college but I wasn't going to go pro. I was going to use that scholarship to become a psychiatrist for the Army. You know, give back to the organisation that built me into the man I am today. But one of the conditions of me even going to college and getting that scholarship is graduating high school! You're not just taking away a diploma from me. You're taking away my whole future. My life!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Hudson. I'm so sorry."

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Finn didn't go to class that day. Instead, he sat in the bleachers, contemplating his whole life. He knew that his future had always been slightly murky but during his senior year, he managed to paint a clearer picture of what he wanted to know. However, now, he was back to square one, only this time, he didn't have a high school diploma to boost him up. He did have one clear thing he needed to do though…

Finn sent out a single lined text message, telling Bella to meet him by the bleachers. She met him moments later, dressed in a gorgeous, white flowered sundress. Finn clenched his jaw and looked down. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, babe!" She smiled, kissing him and sitting beside him. "What's up? You weren't at school today and I got a little worried. Is everything okay?"

Finn took a deep breath and began.

"In the military, when we were going into a battle, fire fight or any active shooter situation, we were trained to advance in a certain way. To assess every possible outcome of the situation, and proceed with the way that involves the least bloodshed. Well, I need to tell you something, and in the 563 different possible outcomes to the situation, none of them look good."

"Finn, what's wrong?" Bella asked, gently.

"We need to break up." Finn murmured.

There it was. Bella's heart stopped and turned to ice. She was dreading that moment from the day Finn returned from Bangladesh, but she knew it was coming. She would never break up with him because of his psychological difficulties - she loved him too much to do that - but she was scared he would push her away in fear of her getting hurt.

"You… you want to break up with me?" Bella stammered. Tears rolled down Finn's cheeks as he shook his head.

"No, I don't want to. But I know that it has to be done, and not for the reason you're thinking right now." Finn murmured. "I'm not trying to push you away because of my psychological scars. You're destined for the stars, Bella. And I… I would die before holding you back."

"Finn, what are you talking about? You would never hold me back. Sure we won't be together for college, but there's always long distance. And then afterwards, we can be together again. You can become a military psychologist like you always said."

"No, Bella, I'm not going to college." Finn muttered. Bella's eyes widened.

"What?"

So Finn told Bella about everything that had happened with Figgins and by the end, there were tears in Bella's eyes. When he was done, she started speaking.

"So you don't graduate this year? So what? You can always redo this year and try again next year."

Finn sighed.

"Bella, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to be the only one left behind as all of my friends go off and conquer great things in life. Let's face it, my future's pretty much over. I'm going to be stuck at a dead-end, meaningless job, earning minimum wage and living hand to mouth. I'm not dragging you down with me. I'm not subjecting you to all of that."

"So this is it?" Bella sniffed back her tears. "Our whole relationship, done, just like that?"

Finn nodded.

"I guess. I'm so sorry. I love you, Bella. I've always loved you. And I'm always going to love you. I wish it didn't have to be this way but…"

"No, this is what's going to happen." Bella stated confidently. "We still have a month and a bit left of school. In that time, we're going to do everything we wanted to do together in that month. Within reason, of course. I'm not about to have your child after a month of pregnancy!"

Finn laughed and nodded.

"Deal." He smiled.

"And hey." She murmured. "If our paths cross again sometime in the future, maybe we can…"

"Yeah, I'd like that." Finn replied.

"I love you, Finn Hudson. So damn much…"

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That night, Finn had told his therapist, Dr. Linda Martin, about everything that had happened to him in the past 24 hours. She had gotten to know him quite well over the past few weeks, possibly knowing more about him than he did about himself. When Finn was done speaking, Dr. Martin noticed something. Something she should have noticed so long ago. Something that was so blatantly obvious to her now.

"So now I'm at a crossroads." Finn explained. "I have very few options. One of the most likely ones I'm probably going to end up doing is…"

"Re-enlisting." Dr. Martin finished his sentence for him. Finn raised an eyebrow and nodded.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" He asked, surprised. Dr. Martin sighed.

"I imagine people have already warned you to not rejoin the military but I could see from your left hand that's not going to happen."

"My what?" Finn asked, completely at a loss.

"Show me." She said. Finn eventually nodded and lifted his left hand. She smiled faintly with her typical shrink smile. The face that read 'we both know what's going on'. The face that was so frustrating because Finn had no idea what was going on.

"What's wrong with my hand?" Finn asked again as Dr. Martin examined it closer.

"Remarkle." She murmured. "You know, most people blunder around this country and all they see are streets and shops and cars. Those who serve in the military, upon returning home, see the battlefield. You've seen it already."

"What's wrong with my hand?" Finn repeated.

"According to your medical reports from the Army Base in Virginia, you have an intermittent tremor in your left hand. The doctor thinks it was post-traumatic stress disorder. She thinks you're haunted by memories of your military service. She should be fired. She's got it the wrong way around. You're under a lot of stress right now and your hand is perfectly still. You're not haunted by the war, Finn. You miss it. And it's time to choose a side: fight at home by building a future for yourself on this emotional battlefield, or go back to the pits of East Asia and fight in that bloodbath."

Finn looked down at his hands and took a deep breath. Upon that revelation, all of the fury, frustration, sorrow, devastation, misery and helplessness he was feeling, bottled up inside him and finally erupted like a volcano.

"This is all his fault. Asif." Finn eventually growled.

"What is?"

"Every bad thing that's happened to me in the past little while. With Khalid. The Glee club. Bella. Right before I killed Asif, I stood over his body and told him I had won. He laughed at me and said he wasn't so sure. This was all part of his plan. Manipulating me this whole time. He knew this would happen! Using my mental health to tear me apart."

"Do you really believe that?" Dr. Martin asked, gently.

"With every fiber of my being." Finn replied. "But… I also know it's a lie. A grand deception I've been telling myself."

"Why do you think you've been lying to yourself all this time?"

"Because the truth is so much harder to bear." Finn whispered.

"What is the truth?"

"Everything that's happening to me is my own damn fault." Finn murmured. "I brought this upon myself. How's about that for starters?"

"Don't you see? This is progress!" Dr. Martin exclaimed. Finn had been an extremely difficult patient for her to understand as he was insanely closed off but now, he was finally opening up. "Genuine progress. Unraveling these patterns of denial is the first step to resolving these issues!"

"No! Doctor! This is not progress!" Finn cried. "Because if I'm doing this to myself, then the real truth is…"

"Is what? Is what? Come on, Finn! This will weigh on you unless you face it head-on. The real truth is what?" Dr. Martin pleaded. Finn took a deep breath, his eyes filled with tears of anguish.

"There is something rotten inside me." He growled. "I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me I am Bad. I'm drowning, doctor! And I can't stop asking myself… WHY DO I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH?!"