Hey readers! So I think it's safe to say no one is doing ok after the Supernatural finale. I know I was crying the last couple episodes. Especially after that whole Destiel moment in 15x18? Son of a bitch! My heart breaks that Cas never got to hear Dean say it like he did, so I decided to make a short piece showing a bit more right after he died. Not gonna lie, this is short, sad, and to the point. Enjoy.
Dean sits on the floor of the room, staring at nothing. He finally got the tears to stop falling. He turns his head to the side, where The Empty had appeared, as if it will suddenly show up again and spit out what it took from him.
It doesn't.
His phone vibrates again and Dean wants to smash it against the wall. Instead he sighs. A tired, breathy sound that sounds shaky even to him. He misses the call, again. Finally Dean grabs his phone, shoots a text to Sam that he's alive, Billie is dead. He leaves out the rest, his brother already responding with a meet up location between the silo and the bunker.
He doesn't want to go, doesn't want to move, but he knows he has to. He's still got work to do. With a rough hand he scrubs against his eyes, sopping up the still damp tracks that mark his face, and rises from the ground. His legs tingle from sitting so long. When he reaches the door he glances back once more, there's not a trace what transpired in the room. Nothing left, like it never even happened. Only it did.
Dean makes his way through the halls in a numb trance. The events keep replaying in a cruel loop in his mind, trying to make sense of it all, Cas' words ringing loud and clear.
"I made a deal…when I experienced a moment of true happiness, The Empty would be summoned, it would take me forever."
Walking past the kitchen Dean looks longingly at the bottle of whiskey sitting on the table. So tempting, but no, not yet. Sammy and Jack still need him. He keeps walking.
He makes it to the map room before stopping again, thinking of all that happened in that room, all the times he and Cas were in here. And it hurts.
"You think that hate and anger, that's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not…everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, has been for love."
Damn his brain really needs to shut up now, focus on the mission, but it can't. Of course it can't.
"You're the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know…You changed me Dean."
Dean grabs the wall, closing his eyes against the onslaught of emotion that comes with remembering. Changing course he heads to the bathroom. When he gets there he turns the water to its coldest before splashing it over his face. The shock helps ground him, gives Dean a boost of alertness he desperately needs. He grabs the towel that's hanging, dries his face, and looks at himself in the mirror.
He looks tired. Looks like shit.
As he moves to leave something catches his attention in his reflection, a smear of red. Turning to see better makes all the breath leave his body as he sees the bloody handprint resting on his shoulder. His mind reels and he stumbles back, unable to look away. Fingers move as if to brush it but stop last minute, half fearful of smearing it. He thinks to when it happened, when he was pushed away from danger.
Dean recalls his smile in that moment. It was soft, gentle, so peaceful.
"I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like…Because the one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have."
The words echo in his head, he looks back to his own eyes in the mirror, fingers still grazing his jacket. Frankly he was wondering too, because there sure as hell wasn't anything happy that he could see in those final moments.
Except…
"I love you."
Dean startles when he remembers, realizes exactly when it was The Empty had appeared. He stands there staring, eyes so wide it's easy for him to see as they fill with tears. His hand moves to grip his arm just under the mark and he slowly sinks to the floor. The first sob breaks past just before his knees hit and like a breaking damn it all pours out. It's loud, messy, his shoulders shake as his breath heaves like he can't get enough air. It's so different from his softened, controlled breakdown in the dungeon. This is soul wrenching. Unhindered grief from realizing all over again that Cas really is gone for good.
Memories of him and the angel come and go. The good times, everything they survived together, so many missed opportunities. It makes Dean cry all the harder. He doesn't know how long he's on the ground for, curled up against the wall. But eventually amidst the weeping his hand tightens by the handprint, and between broken breaths he whispers, "Damn it Cas…I love you too."
Like I said, short and sad. Thanks for reading!