"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." -Soren Kierkegaard
The door creaks open.
For a few moments, as he is still swiping away the last dredges of sleep, Thor imagines a looming monster entering his room and tearing the whole place apart before he defeats it with a mighty blow.
But instead, it is his little brother, Loki. Thor has to chuckle quietly to himself, wondering how he could've ever thought Loki a monster. (The Frost Giants and Dark Elves from all their stories are the monsters. But not Loki; never Loki.)
Unfortunately, Loki believes the chuckle to be directed towards him. "I'm sorry, I'll-"
Thor sits up abruptly. "No, no! It's okay." It has been a scarce few weeks since they were moved to separate rooms, and Loki hasn't quite brushed away the habit of coming to him after night terrors. He crawls quietly into Thor's bed, and Thor lifts the covers so he can slip in comfortably. He's shaking, Thor notes, and he tries to quell it by rubbing his back in soothing circles (it's what he's seen their mother do, after all).
He is slightly annoyed that Loki has interrupted his sleep, but has to remind himself that he is still little yet.
"What's wrong?" he murmurs into the quiet of the room.
"Just nightmares," Loki mumbles back, curling up against Thor's chest. Thor tightens his hold on him and hopes his arms provide protection enough from the monsters that lurk.
"What were they about?"
Loki shakes his head, and Thor sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. "Go to sleep, then."
"And you'll be here?" Loki inquires in a hopeful voice.
Thor has to smile a very fond, though tired smile and ruffles his brother's hair with a hand. Loki squawks, as expected. "I'll be here. I'll protect you from anything and everything."
"You promise?" Thor opens his eyes a crack to look at his brother more closely. He has no idea where all these thoughts are coming from, and they scare him a little. But mighty warriors are not scared, he remembers. Mighty warriors are fearless, and protect those that need protecting; in this case, Loki.
"I promise."
"And what if," Loki purses his lips, "what if there comes a time when you don't love me anymore, and you won't be there for me?"
Thor feels himself shiver, and wonders if the window has cracked open to let the soft breeze through. But no, the curtains aren't blowing, even though all he feels right now is very, very cold. He holds Loki tighter to himself, and whispers, "That will never happen."
But Loki's breathing has evened out, and he is fast asleep.
Thor is shoved unceremoniously into a room. He looks around belatedly to see that Valkyrie, Bruce, and Heimdall are already there. "What's this about?" he asks Loki. It doesn't have the annoyance he'd intended to imbue in it; but then again, he's a new king who had just destroyed his own planet and has been spending the last few days trying to make sure nobody (else) dies. He's tired.
Loki ignores him and starts pacing around the room with his hands clasped behind his back. "I did something stupid," he finally forces out. Thor raises his eyebrows, but stops himself from making a smart-ass comment because Loki's gaze is disconcertingly far away.
Valkyrie takes a sip of her drink. "Well, is that it? I'm gonna go now..."
"Nope! You, stay!" Loki commands irritatedly with a pointed finger. Thor feels unease prickling up his spine; something's wrong. Of course something's wrong. Why wouldn't something go wrong with lives as fucked up as theirs?
"What's wrong?" he asks lowly, in a calm voice that doesn't reveal any of his inner turmoil.
Loki bites his lip, scowls, lifts up a hand, puts it down again, then lifts it up again, turns towards Thor, and conjures up the tesseract.
Thor stares.
"I thought it was destroyed!"
"Well, it isn't, and I'm telling you now!"
"I thought it was destroyed!"
"You're getting quite repetitive!"
"I thought - no, never mind. Why do you even have it?"
Loki sighs, rubbing a hand through his hair. Thor belatedly realizes that it is decidedly messier than usual. "I couldn't have escaped Asgard without it," he says softly, as if it is a damning sentence. To Thor, it is not...which makes him even more confused than before.
"What's the problem, then?" Bruce asks. Thor starts abruptly; he'd forgotten there were other people in the room.
"The problem is that somebody is looking for it!" Loki is becoming undone; Thor can see it. It scares him more than it should.
"Who?" Heimdall asks. Thor has a sinking feeling that he already knows.
Loki opens his mouth, closes it again, opens it, and then shakes his head, turning around to bang at the wall behind him with a fist. "Thanos," he says. His voice is carefully kept neutral, but Thor feels goosebumps crawling up his skin anyways.
"Shit," Valkyrie mutters. "Shit, shit. We're dead."
"Who...who is he?" Bruce asks carefully, echoing Thor's thoughts.
"The Mad Titan, conqueror of worlds," Heimdall answers. He looks at Loki carefully, as if he can see everything Thor can't about his own brother.
"How do guys know about him? How do you know any of this?" The question is directed towards all three of them, though he is mostly turned towards Loki. Bruce still looks extremely confused, but Thor ignores him for now in lieu of answers.
Loki laughs a very bitter laugh. "I can feel it. He - it - he's tugging and tugging on it. He wants the infinity stones to destroy half the universe. He'll do anything to get there."
"And how do you know about him?" Thor asks Valkyrie. He doesn't bother with Heimdall.
"Like I said, Sakaar is a place for the lost. People come from all over the place, and you hear things. Things like - I dunno - some megalomaniac who thinks killing half the universe is going to save it. Kinda counterproductive if you ask me."
Thor nods, taking in all of this information. "What can we do?" He turns towards Loki, then frowns. Loki is shaking. A lot. His breaths are coming out in gasps.
Before Thor can say anything, Loki looks up and says, "You all are going to do nothing."
"But-"
"I am going to send you," he points at Bruce, "to Earth. To warn them." He nods to himself, as if he's trying to assure himself that whatever he's planning is going to work. Thor is extremely unsure of that.
"Um, o-ok? Like, um, now? With - with that?"
"Yes." Bruce is staring at Loki with wide eyes.
"Why?" Thor is starting to realize that his nervousness isn't due to the fact that Loki is sending him to Earth. It is due to the fact that he's going back to Earth after so many years gone.
"They have two infinity stones, do they not?"
Bruce furrows his brows. "Two? I'm pretty sure we only have the mind stone..."
"There's time, too. Ask for Strange, that petty Midgardian wizard. He is the keeper of the stone." Really? Thor hadn't actually noticed.
"Okay." It's Bruce's turn to nod to himself in reassurance.
Loki rolls his eyes. "Oh please. It'll hardly hurt." He takes ahold of Bruce's arm, and soon enough he is swallowed up by a blue portal.
"That doesn't stop the fact that he's gonna attack here, Lackey," Valkyrie points out, face in a frown. Heimdall is still looking at Loki, face still unreadable.
"No, he's not. Thanos has wanted to punish me for a while because of my failure a few years back." What punishment? What failure? "He's not going to attack here because I am going to give myself up to him and hope that's enough for all of your lives."
Thor's eyes widen and he stands up. "Wait, no! Loki!" He reaches Loki, but his hand goes through his arm. He turns around abruptly to find Loki by the doorway.
A wry smile splits his face. "Goodbye, Brother." And then he closes the door on them. Thor roars, trying to knock open the door with pure strength; but Loki's magic is strong, and it seals the door tightly. It will likely continue to do so until Loki thinks they're safe.
Which...is surprisingly touching but also extremely idiotic at the same time.
"Damn," Valkyrie mutters.
Heimdall is still staring at the spot he'd been standing. "I think I understand now," he mutters.
Thor doesn't.
It is about 15 minutes of Thor screaming and pounding at the door until it yields, sending him stumbling into the hallway and into the opposite wall. "Damn it, Loki!" he screams, as if his brother can still hear him. (Because of distance, that is; not because he's dead or anything.)
Heimdall, who has not inclined to explain what he meant earlier, looks down at Hofund, tapping it against his right boot in thought. "I believe I have enough magic left to send the both of you to Nidavellir."
Thor abruptly turns. "Nidavellir?!" He needs to find Loki; he doesn't need another weapon, especially after Mjolnir.
Valkyrie snaps her fingers. "Yes. A Thanos killing weapon is just what we need."
Thor runs a hand through his now-short hair. "Are you sure about this?" Asgard needs him, but Loki needs him too. "You will take care of the people until we get back?"
Heimdall nods solemnly. "I swear it."
It's a blur of colors and movement, but eventually they get to Nidavellir. Thor holds open the power of a star as Eitri forges Stormbreaker; Valkyrie punches him a few times afterwards and tells him what an idiot he is, but he supposes he doesn't really mind.
And now, now they are in Wakanda. Thor sits dejectedly in a chair as he listens to the others talk. Loki is missing; Thanos has Loki. Thanos is - Thanos is probably torturing him right now for the tesseract because, despite what the others might think, he knows that his brother would never give up a key to destroying half the universe that easily.
Like Bruce, he came back to Earth to find it different. The Avengers had split up, there's this thing called 'the Accords' now, and Thor will choose to ignore it for as long as he is able. Stark and Strange are missing, last seen going up to space.
The only stone they can protect as of now is the mind stone, and it is currently stuck in the Vision's head.
Then Loki, ever with his cocky smirk, flickers to life in front of him. He stiffens, and his eyes widen; he thinks he is hallucinating for a second before nearly everyone else in the room give cries of alarm and begin throwing projectiles at him.
Natasha's bullets go straight through.
Loki rolls his eyes, crossing his arms and shifting a little. Thor belatedly realizes that the illusion is slightly transparent; Loki's illusions are never anything less than exemplary, which makes Thor worry even more.
"You're not actually here," Natasha comments before anyone else can say anything. Thor stands up, still staring at his brother's form.
"Observant as always, Agent Romanoff."
Thor licks his lips. "What's happening? Are you...are you okay?"
"You already know what is happening, Brother; and 'okay' is a relative term." Thor frowns. Why does Loki choose now to be cryptic?
"Wait wait wait...isn't this the guy who attacked New York a while back?" the man with wings asks. Thor doesn't exactly remember his name, but he's new, and they hadn't exactly had time to catch up, so...
"Yes, I am." Loki gives him a mocking bow, but then his smirk disappears. "Pleasantries aside, I have some information to give to you."
"How do we know this isn't a trick?" Steve asks in a hard voice. Thor can't blame him; the last time they saw Loki was a few years ago, and he was attacking Earth with a Chitauri army. Wait. A few years back...a few years back ("my failure a few years back").
Loki scowls, and the connection flickers for a moment. "I don't have time. I will give you the information, and you will either accept it or you will not; it is that simple."
"We're listening," Bruce interjects. Loki's eyes flicker to him in appreciation.
"Thanos has four stones now," Loki continues. "Power, reality, soul...and space."
"You gave it up to him?" Thor asks incredulously.
Loki scoffs. "Believe it or not, I did not. I didn't know he was going to tear the tesseract out of me with the reality stone!" Thor winces at the mental image it creates.
"Are you okay?" Thor repeats.
Loki, unbelievably, ignores him. "When you see him, the most efficient way to defeat him will be to simply cut off his hand, and hence, the gauntlet right away. No dilly-dallying or anything." Everyone grimaces, but no one comments. "Thanos was at Vormir, where he sacrificed his daughter for the soul stone. To get her back, you would have to trade the stone back for her. Thanos is currently on Titan, battling Stark and whoever else is there for the time stone. There isn't a large number there, so the most they will do is delay him. He will come here when he is done. However, Corvus Glaive, Proxima Midnight, along with their army of Outriders...which are like mindless alien dogs that are worse than the Chitauri, have been sent to retrieve the mind stone, and will arrive at any moment. They may not be very smart, but they will overwhelm you with their numbers."
"You mean the two with the huge spears?" Natasha clarifies.
"Precisely." Everyone behind Thor starts gathering their things. Loki raises his eyebrows. "Oh. So you do believe me?"
Natasha sends him a borderline murderous look. "Don't push it."
He smiles, but then starts coughing. Blood splatters the ground and his chin. "Loki!" he calls out, because no, he's not going to lose his only brother, his only family left after all they've been through.
But then he's gone, and empty space and white tiles are all that's left.
"His information's actually kinda accurate! I'm impressed!" the man Thor now knows as Sam calls into their comms. Thor focuses on fighting as hard as he can to push away his growing dread.
"Well...I don't think he's actually a bad guy anymore. More like an antihero?" Bruce says in defense of Loki, and Thor is immensely grateful. "He did help me, Thor, and Valkyrie save Asgard."
"Who's Valkyrie? There's too many of you to remember now," the Captain's friend says before grunting as he presumably fights off one of these creatures.
"Angry girl who keeps drinking." Thor snorts.
"Ahh..."
"Hey! I'm still fighting better than all of you!"
"You've got more experience than all of us!" Thor calls out with more jest than he feels.
"Shut up, Majesty."
"So when did you become so buddy-buddy with Thor and Loki?" Natasha asks Bruce.
If Thor could see him, Bruce would've probably been rubbing the back of his head. "We were stuck, floating in space, on a ship with what's left of Asgard." Thor's chest still twinges at the thought. "They kinda grow on you."
"Yeah, that's 'cause we had to bunk with each other," Valkyrie points out. "Those were extremely close quarters."
"Oh my god, Thor. You snore like a bulldozer."
Thor scoffs even though he knows Bruce is right. "I do not!" He uses his electricity to fry a group of Outriders all at once.
"I swear I thought Loki was going to strangle you that first night. I would've helped him."
That shocks an awfully cheery laugh out of Thor. His smile fades, though, as he turns to his right and sees a glowing blue portal opening in the middle of the battle. A breath catches in his throat. "He's here," he mutters.
The comm line goes silent.
It's a long and hard fought battle, but they win.
He's tired. Everyone's tired. But they have to clean up, burying the dead and rebuilding the city. Thor helps in lieu of remembering that he can't do the same for Asgard.
They use the mind stone to revive Vision (Thor feels a pang as he sees his reunion with Wanda). The space stone is used to bring Stark and his group back from Titan. They are bruised, and injured, but they will heal. Stark and Rogers have a shouting match right then and there, so they don't notice Strange putting the time stone back into his amulet, nor Quill and Nebula using the space stone to go to Vormir with the soul stone. When they come back, handing the space stone back to Thor, of all people, the two Avengers have mostly ended their argument, though there is still some strained tension.
It saddens Thor, that he had something like that with Loki, and now Loki isn't coming back.
"I remember how he screamed, that pathetic little Jotun. He cried out for you all those years ago. But you were too busy looking at your own shadow to notice." It's ironic, sure, but that's not what Thor's thinking about right now.
"Stop talking," he grits out, because he can't get the image of his little brother screaming and being tortured out of his head, and he wants to wipe the smile off of Thanos's face so badly.
"He did too, a mere hour ago. He called for his brother, but you couldn't protect him. His last breath was spent cursing your name."
With a roar, Thor brings Stormbreaker down to his hand, instead of his heart. Thanos should hurt as he does, but he won't; Thor won't risk it, because Loki had told him not to. "You lose," he growls out, kicking the severed hand (gauntlet attached) away before bringing the axe up to chop his head off with vengeance.
Gamora comes up to him after reuniting with her team. "You're Loki's brother."
"You're Thanos's daughter," Thor says back, but it doesn't have any bite to it. He wonders, vaguely, why Loki had thought to include the information about how to save her. He wonders if they knew each other closely, once upon a time. (Loki had surely been under Thanos's wrath before New York, and Thor never saw it until it was too late.)
"He's no father of mine," she says darkly, and it sounds so much like Loki that Thor might cry right then and there.
"You knew Loki?" he asks instead, numb.
"Yes," she says softly. "He was...he fell to us. He was there for a year before Thanos sent him to attack this planet."
Thor nods. He'd figured as much, all the puzzle pieces falling into place as the adrenaline wore off. "Do you...do you think he's alive?"
Gamora smiles sadly, and puts a hand on his arm. "After Thanos took the tesseract from him, I don't think he would've had any more use, in his eyes. I'm sorry, but..." He's probably dead.
Thor nods, looking at his clasped hands. "Thank you, Gamora."
She shakes her head. "I don't deserve that. Thanos, he made us do terrible things. But Loki was still a good person. He was lucky to have you."
Lucky to have you, lucky to have you. How could he have, when Thor had failed to protect him so many times?
The late night, afterwards, is welcoming. It is full of lights and laughter, of colors and life.
But Thor can't seem to join in.
In two days, the rest of Asgard will arrive on Earth, and Thor will have to assume that facade of leadership, of surety again. But for now, for now, he can run away from his problems and into the Wakandan forest. The trees aren't as large or as full as those (that were) on Asgard, but he sits against one anyways, listening to the echoes of the celebration happening in the city.
(They are celebrating, because they have won yet again; Thor feels as if it is another lost, weighing down on him like all the others.)
He feels slightly guilty leaving Bruce there. Bruce had been at the edge of the party with him, sipping at some alcohol and wearing a nervous smile. A party has never been his scene, and his estrangement is only compounded by the fact that he hasn't been here for years. Thor feels the same way, feels alone, too, but for completely different reasons.
He sighs, burying his face in his hands. The tears he expected don't come. They probably won't; he is too tired, too numb from all of these losses. Hit (Father dying) after hit (Hela cutting out his eye) after hit (destroying Asgard) have made him weary of what else life has in store for him.
It would be much better if I had Loki by my side, he thinks, even as something rustles in the bushes behind him. Loki was irritating and annoying at best, but he was still my brother, and that had been enough.
Had he known that? Had he known, before his death, how much he meant to Thor? Had he known that, even after all the pain and loss surrounding them, he had still been enough?
Something rustles in the brush behind him again. His heart stutters. Is it an Outrider? Is it Thanos, come back to haunt him like Loki forever will? Is it simply the wind, blowing through the clearing and trying to fill the emptiness Thor feels? (Is there even anything there?) He eventually gathers up the courage (What kind of king is he, to actually have to think about doing that?) to turn around and it feels as if something has slithered underneath his collarbone and tugged and tugged because his brother is here. Loki is here!
Or is he? (Dreams and hallucinations about Loki after his fall have made Thor weary.)
"Loki?" he breathes out. He cautiously stands up and creeps towards the figure. It is dark; he is hiding in the shadows. But Thor would be able to recognize those eyes anywhere.
"I'm here," Loki says, voice surprisingly fragile. It causes something to pull in Thor's chest.
"Are you really?" he croaks out once he is in arm's length of his brother. He lifts his right hand and holds it above Loki's shoulder, too afraid to really know. He's afraid that, if he accepts this, and it turns out to be fake, then he won't be able to take it (it'd just be another loss, another hit).
"I'm here," Loki repeats. "I'm real, Thor. I-" His voice breaks. "Please, Thor." I need you, that look says. Please ward off the nightmares, that look says. Please protect me from anything and everything, that looks says. ("I'll protect you from anything and everything.")
Thor takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries to prepare himself for the disappointment before setting his hand down on Loki's shoulder.
With a cry, Thor engulfs him in a hug. He is real, and solid, and injured, but he's alive. Norns, he's alive!
Thor can feel the tears prickling at his eyes. "I thought you were dead," he says when he feels he can finally pull back, eyes sweeping over his brother. There are bruises on his face, and a jagged cut on the side of his head, and torn and ragged clothing and - and so many other things he hadn't noticed before, in his relief.
"It wouldn't be the first time," Loki points out. A smile splits his face, but it's all wrong because it is fake and it is broken and it is full of pain.
"Where are you hurt?" Thor asks, which is a stupid question, because he seems to be hurt everywhere.
Loki's fragile expression crumples and breaks, and a fat tear streaks down his face. He leans into Thor, hiding his face in his chest. Thor automatically brings his arms up to encircle his brother's back. "Not - not now, please. Later, I just - I just need this."
"Okay," Thor murmurs softly, as if his world hasn't just restarted. "Okay. Let's...let's sit down." He supports much of Loki's weight as they hobble back to the tree Thor had been leaned against earlier, and they kind of crumple at the base of it, too tired to care.
Loki immediately curls up against him, breathing raggedly. "Thor, Thor-"
"I'm here, I'm here," he whispers, letting Loki's head settle comfortably in the crook of his neck like it belongs there, like he belongs. "It's okay. He can't hurt you anymore. It's all okay now." For now, it's true. For now, that's all he can promise. (What happens after?)
If Loki is annoyed at his coddling, he doesn't show it, gripping the front of Thor's shirt like it is his lifeline. (Perhaps it is.) Thor reaches behind himself to grab his cloak, fabric dark as he wraps it around his little brother.
Nothing seems to be life-threatening, which is good, but the wounds Thor can see are not pretty, and he would rather Loki see a healer sooner rather than later.
Loki stiffens, as if he has read Thor's mind. "I'm fine," he mumbles, and it is the least convincing he's heard Loki in a long time.
It makes him want to kill Thanos again, and make him suffer for it.
Instead, though, he rubs at the tense muscles of Loki's neck, feeling his pulse fluttering beneath his fingers. "You're not, and that's okay." After everything Thor had missed, it would be more than okay.
"My magic will heal everything," Loki insists, relaxing further into his arms.
Thor sighs. He's always been so stubborn. "Later, okay?"
"Promise."
Thor brushes a hand through Loki's hair, trying to untangle everything. It is matted with what Thor thinks is blood, so he swallows and starts rocking them back and forth instead.
After a few minutes, Loki whispers, "It was so dark." Thor hums in acknowledgment, but doesn't ask him to elaborate.
He does so anyways. "I couldn't see the stars." Loki sniffs a little, and furiously tries to wipe his tears away. As he does so, Thor notices how bent and bruised his fingers are and takes them in his hands gently so he doesn't injure himself further.
Loki frowns, but lets him. The left side of his head is pressed against Thor's chest, rising up and down with his breaths. Thor would like to think that he can hear his heartbeat through the layers. He'd like to think that it is soothing to his rattled brother.
"And what of the stars here?" Thor asks. He leans his face into Loki's hair to try and hide how badly he's holding himself together.
Loki seems to pause, considering the question a little. "Not the same; but still beautiful, in their own way."
Thor reaches out to wipe Loki's tears away with a slightly trembling hand. He's not sure if Loki notices, but he leans into the touch anyways. Thor smiles a very small smile.
He eventually falls asleep right there, in what is maybe the safest place in the world.
Thor presses a kiss into his hair and holds him impossibly tighter, like Loki will be hidden and safe forever if he just holds him closely enough.
It's a nice lie, he supposes, though Loki has always been the liar, the trickster, the mischief to his might. Not him. Never him.
As he hears his brother's breaths even out, he can't find it in himself to fall asleep with him. He knows he can't protect Loki from everything (as evidenced by his current injuries), but it's nice to pretend. For a little while.
He can't protect him from everything, but it couldn't hurt to try, could it?
So he stays awake, holding his little brother in his arms until the sun rises above the treetops again, and they are both bathed in light.
"'Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them,' I said.
Isaac shot me a look. 'But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.'"
-from The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green