CHAPTER 12: A SMALL DROP OF INK

"Words are things and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think."
(Lord Byron)

There are many words to describe the feeling that Sesshomaru feels course through him over the sleepless night he spends in his quarters. Terror. Panic. Alarm. He resolutely does not call it any of those things, especially in the silence of his own mind. He cannot begin to imagine himself having an existential crisis over something as minor as this (desire, crush, attraction) he has for the miko. He can barely begin to imagine that he has these… these feelings in the first place.

But they are there, and he cannot deny them.

Not when his ears are half listening for any sound coming from down the hall. Not when his blood boils with the knowledge that she is staying in a room designed for the Lady of the Western Lands, when there is nothing but a simple door between their rooms, when she is sleeping in a bed created for the two of them to intertwine and sink into each other. He has never brought a woman here, to that room. It would have felt too real, too close. He did not care for any of those demoness' – not really. He only cared for what they let him keep.

Kagome though… Kagome was different.

On a purely practical side, for Sesshomaru was nothing if not practical, though she was indeed human, her spiritual power surpassed any other that he had ever seen, a great asset to a demon lord. And he had seen firsthand the strength and breadth of her soul, so large it was impossible to contain. So there would be no doubting that her strength, while not the strength of demon claws and teeth and poison, was titanic. And her intelligence was greater than even many of the demon lords he knew, to say nothing of the females. He had seen Kagome perform mathematical equations, translate sentences into a foreign tongue, chart the course of planets, and memorize battles that he had never heard of. She spouted stories to Rin at night that he had never seen before, stories of dragons and princesses, of space and interstellar travel, of magic and spells, and of pirates and eternal youth.

So to an advisor, to a council, to another lord – there are assets to having her beside him. Strong enough to protect herself, intelligent enough to run a castle.

But there is an unpractical side, a purely male side, that whispers into his ear. She is attractive. She is beautiful. Look how blue her eyes, how thick her hair, how soft her skin… He cannot sleep because he knows he will dream about those things, wake up aching and wanting and barely able to force himself to stay away from what only a wall separates him from. She does not care that you are scarred, that you are broken. She sees you as you really are, likes you as you really are.

That part of him is louder than all the rest, because it is the part of him that most wanted to be acknowledged. A woman who did not care that he was a lord, that being with him would give her wealth and a title. A woman who did care that he was missing a limb, or that his face was damaged. It was a thing he did not even know that he wanted, for someone to see him, until a little, human, miko looked past his barriers and saw him only as Sesshomaru, and nothing else.

And now that he had that, he desperately, desperately did not want to let that slip through his fingers like sand.

So, loathe as he was to speak to him, Sesshomaru knew he needed to speak to his father's advisor.

Tetsu does not always frequent the Western Lands, not any longer. Once, both when Sesshomaru was a child and when he first took over his father's mantle, he lived in a small manor not far from the castle. Now his home is in Kyoto, where he advisors the scores of nobles who make the city their home, giving his input on everything from the latest fashion, to how much to tax their subjects.

But Sesshomaru happens to know he is traveling through the area, just a short trip away for a demon lord, that evening. The struggle isn't in getting there in time. The struggle is in not being seen.

"Lord Sesshomaru! What a pleasant surprise!"

"Indeed." There is nothing in Tetsu's voice to indicate that he is pleased with the sudden arrival of the taiyoukai.

The kitsune cants a slanting glance in the opposite direction, clearly contemplating making a run for it. When there are no visible courses of exit that don't end with him skewered on the end of Toukijin, he squares his shoulders and smiles brightly. "What can I do for you, my lord?"

"I wish to know what other methods there might be do dissolve my father's will."

"As I have told you on several occasions, my lord, I poured over all of your father's papers, as well as those of any other lord I could find, any records that were available to me, and his will is ironclad. There is no way around his stipulations."

"And what of records that were not available to you?"

His head cocks to the side. "Well, I clearly have no access to those…"

Sesshomaru's hackles start to rise. "What this Sesshomaru means is, could there be other interpretations of the terms that would provide me an alternate means of keeping my title."

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand…" His red ears are flicking back and forth.

Sesshomaru takes a moment to clear his thoughts. He does not wish to explain that he will accept any answer at this point where he does not have to take advantage of Kagome. He does not wish to explain that he himself had come up with a plan, a good plan, to restore his appearance, and wed a docile demoness who would do as she told, and thereby keep his status. And he certainly does not wish to explain how much the very thought of executing that plan, of using Kagome in such a way and then discarding her, of perhaps never seeing her again, certainly never having the same easy comradery with her every again, feels him with a profound unease. She had treated him like one of his brother's companions – someone whom she trusted, felt safe and secure with. She treated him… normally. He could not repay that by using her powers to his own advantage.

But he also could not give up his father's title to his idiotic half-brother, so he must look to the bottom of the barrel for some measly scrap of an idea.

"You are quite positive that my father meant for me to choose a mate in the sense of marriage, and not merely to mate someone and beget an heir?"

A slow-eyed blink. "The wording is very clear, I assure you."

"Words have multiple meanings, Tetsu, as you are well aware."

"And as I am sure Lord Sesshomaru is aware of his waning powers in regards to the Lord of the Western Lands, he ill surely concede that I am correct in my meaning."

"Hm." It had been a very short straw to grasp at, he knew. He'd read the same papers Tetsu had, so he was also fairly certain that his father meant for him to choose a mate as a wife, to have what he had with Sesshomaru's mother. But there had been a small, sliver of hope that it had been a verb, that perhaps his father merely wanted him to mate, to conceive his own heir to carry on the title in the next millennia. It was a task he didn't really relish, but didn't necessarily abhor. "That is a shame."

A flash of teeth as Tatsu grins roguishly at him. "True, my lord, it would have been much more simple if you could have just whelped a few pups with one of those women who constantly threw themselves at you."

He did not miss Tetsu's use of threw instead of throw, causing him to narrow his eyes. Tetsu continued, oblivious.

"But your father, no doubt knowing how much you would fight such a decree, was very precise in his wordage. The only way out is to relinquish your title. The only way to keep it, is to name a Lady of the Western Lands."

An idea forms, budding and intangible. "Perhaps I could simply name my ward Rin as Lady of the Lands and continue to rule as her regent."

Tetsu blinks, long and slow. "There are so many issues with that, my lord, I fear I don't even know where to begin."

"Do not play coy."

His nervous laugh is high-pitched and whining. "It simply wouldn't work, my lord. For starters, your ward is human and would never be able to be seated as lady on her own singular merits, she has no power, no skills. And, though there are ways to extend your power to a human, you would, I remind you, have to be mated to them. Also, it still does not solve the issue of you choosing a mate by your one thousandth year, so you being Rin-chan's regent would be a moot point, as you will have lost your title and only your bother could assume it."

When it appears Tetsu would take a breath and continue on poking holes in Sesshomaru's admittedly terrible idea, he holds up a hand to stop him. "I understand, that will be quite enough."

There's a pause in which Sesshomaru's mind scrambles for some other idea. Tetsu, seeing the panic that he hides so well, for there is so much of his father in him, and Tetsu knew the previous lord for many, many centuries, feels his expression soften. "My lord, your father did not mean this to be a noose with which to strangle your free will."

He frowns. "That is what it feels like."

"He merely wanted to assure himself that you would find someone to rule beside him as he had. Someone who could help with the burden of being lord, someone to share your days with. A friend. Is there truly no one whom you might choose?"

"I – " Azure eyes. Dark hair. Creamy skin. A tinkling laugh and an easy smile. They all flash across his mind like moments frozen in time. "Perhaps…" He thinks of the way her head feels resting on his shoulder, easy and comforting. "There might be someone…"

Tetsu brightens and positively beams at him. "That is wonderful, my lord! I do hope it is someone the other lords would approve of!"

Sesshomaru glowers at him. "That is not my concern."

Waving his hands in surrender, Tetsu takes a few steps back. "No, no, no, of course not! Um… well, I hope that you declare you intentions before the next blue moon, my lord, and we can put this entire business behind us!"

"Certainly." He gives an answer like he is positive of her feelings for him, to keep Tetsu at ease and less likely to run his mouth to others.

But as he leaves, he knows it is not that simple. He does not want to coerce Kagome to stay beside him. He finds, against all reason and all coherent thought and what he knows he should think, that he wants her to choose to stay with him. He wants her to choose to fill his castle with her boisterous laughter. He wants her sprawled books and papers, her melodic voice telling stories. He wants dinner and breakfast and walks in the garden. He wants her to choose the lands of the west over that village. He wants her to choose Rin.

He wants her to choose him.