Warning: (mentions of) self-harm and blood
It should've been his first clue into discovering the truth. He hadn't been sick since he became immortal, no illness could plague him. Which of course had been heaven. Then why hadn't he figured out something was wrong with him the moment he became ill? He simply hadn't thought about it. He was standing in the kitchen, his hand hovering - with an extremely sharp knife - above his wrist, his hand was trembling as he thought about what he was about to do. Ianto was out, to get some groceries after he finally promised that yes, he felt really okay and no, he really wasn't lying… again. The knife hung just an inch above his artery when he'd made his final decision. He was doing it. Slowly he brought the knife to his skin. He could already see a lonely drop of blood sliding out of his newly created wound after he'd put down enough pressure to break the skin. Without thinking too much about it he sliced it open deeper. He could see all the blood dripping down and falling onto his white kitchen tiles. As quick as he could he removed the knife from his wrist and watched if he'd needed to call an ambulance because he slid his wrist. Normal, mortal, people would be bleeding to death right now. But not him. He did notice that something was off, normally he would've healed within a minute, but it had already been a quarter of an hour and his wound still hadn't healed completely. The blood had stopped pouring out of his veins five minutes ago, and if he'd really been mortal then he'd probably already been dead by now. This was how Ianto found him, mere minutes later, staring at the gaping wound on his wrist.
''I've forgotten my wallet. So stupid.'' He declared when he walked into the house with a laugh. He seemed to be in such a great mood. He heard him open the door towards the living room and walk inside. He saw him pick up his wallet, just before their eyes met. Shocked, Ianto stared at the knife, covered in blood, he was still holding in a death grip in his hand.
''JACK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?'' Gone was the relaxed Ianto and in its place a frightened, but above all deathly afraid Ianto came running towards him in the kitchen. The pools of blood were all the proof he needed to confirm what he'd been doing. The first thing Ianto did was reach for his hand still holding the knife. He tried to pry open his fingers and when he finally succeeded a clatter could be heard as the knife fell to the ground. Immediately Ianto grasped for his cut open wrist and inspected the wound. It had healed, but not as much as he'd been used to. It was only a flesh wound, not that deep, but it would still need some stitches if he wasn't going to tell Ianto the truth.
"It's nothing." He said and tried to cover the fresh wound with his now free hand, without any luck. Ianto batted away the hand before he could do anything.
"What are you talking about? Of course, this is something, Jack, you could've killed yourself!" Ianto's frantic mouth told him, but his majestic face told him that he'd been genuinely worried about him. His head felt light as his legs began to give out. They swayed from left to right before they really did give out, but Ianto was quick to catch up and caught him in his arms. His strong arms lowered him on the ground, where he placed his head between his knees.
"Stay here, take deep breaths," Ianto demanded of him. He kept his eyes strained towards the ground and took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth.
Before he knew it Ianto was back and pushing a big glass of water in his direction. He took the glass into his hand not knowing what to do with it, he stared at the young man in front of him.
"Drink, slowly." He did what he said and sluggishly drank the cold water.
"Are you nauseous?" He shook his head in a no, there was an empty feeling in there but not nauseous.
"Here you go then, eat it." He took the biscuit in his hand and slowly began to chew on it while he watched Ianto's worried face. Ianto sat on his heels, on eye level, and made sure that there was something in his stomach. Hopefully, he didn't puke it out like a few days ago. Ianto wrapped a cloth around his wrist and put pressure on the wound. It hurt a little and he could see blood seeping through the material.
"Why are you doing this, Jack?" He kept silent, what was he meant to say anyway?
"Jack! This is serious! Where you about to kill yourself?" He bit his lip while he stared into those beautiful orbs.
"No," he mumbled under his breath. Jack's eyes averted from him in shame even though he was speaking the truth.
"Jack, please tell me the truth, because I can't do this again. " His face looked torn up as he fell down on his bum. His hands covered his face and his knees were drawn up towards his face.
"What do you mean, again?" After a long silence, Ianto began to speak.
" I once had a friend, we were only 16 back then, he self-harmed. He cut himself because it made him feel better. Somehow there was this nagging thought inside his head in certain situations that told him that if he just cut himself things would get better. But they didn't, so he kept on doing it. I begged him to seek help, but he denied. Then one day, while I was in maths I was called out by the principal. He cut himself that morning for the final time. There'd been no one at home when he cut himself too deep and damaged an important artery. He bled to death on his bed. And I just kept thinking that if only I would've been there for him he would've still been alive." Tears had escaped Ianto's eyes as he told him his story. If Ianto hadn't come back, and his immortality powers hadn't kicked in, if even just a little, he would've ended up the same.
"So that's how you knew what to do." He inched a little closer towards the younger man, not too fast of course, and took him in his arms. He was crying his eyes out when Jack's arms lunged around Ianto's shoulders.
"Yeah, but I'm also a nurse, so…" he managed to tell him through the sobs. How could he forget, the nurse's costume made him look bewitchingly beautiful.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered into the air.
" Now please tell me, were you self harming?" Ianto asked him through hiccups, his watery eyes were looking up at him and staring into his soul.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Try me."
"Alright, I cut myself to see if I'm still immortal." He said, he held up his arm and unwrapped the blood-soaked cloth to show his wrist - on which was now a pink scar to be seen instead of a wound. Ianto's eyes turned big and his mouth stood agape.
"What, where, how?" Ianto grabbed his wrist with both hands and began to turn it around.
"As I said, I'm immortal, or I'm supposed to be, something funny is going on with my body." It was like talking to himself, Ianto was mesmerized by his arm while he tried to explain himself. Only he wasn't too sure Ianto actually heard what he had to say.
" This isn't normal, Jack…? What kind of trick are you playing on me." At first, he was kind of shocked, but then as his brain started to think of the most logical reason, anger seemed to consume him.
" I knew you wouldn't believe me." He told him with a sigh. There was nothing worse than someone telling you to your face that you were lying, while you were actually telling the truth. Sometimes people just heard what they wanted to hear and nothing more. Was it worth it to try again? Was it worth the chance of losing his best friend, his secret love? He had no idea how Ianto felt and one thing was sure, he couldn't - for the love of God - watch Ianto try to kill himself as the others had done. He would rather erase himself from Ianto's brain and watch from afar how he was doing. He could only do it if Ianto really did love him, but could he tell him part of the truth?
" Don't bother, I know you're not going, to tell the truth, but I must tell you something before…" He let go of his wrist and stared him right in the eye.
"You're everything to me. But I can't keep doing this. I miss you, I miss our friendship, I miss the way we would just have fun without a care in the world. I miss it all, but my heart is threatening me. It became all the more clear to me while I was taking care of you. I marvel in your presence, Jack. I can't deny it, I'm feeling things for you I never thought I would feel again... And I know you're not feeling the same way, but I just needed to say that. I had to in order for me to move on. I'll leave by dawn. I-" Jack didn't say a word, his mouth stood agape as he watched Ianto talking. He was astonished about what he heard coming out of his mouth and when he finished or more like almost finished as he had to cut him off before he could say something stupid, he threw himself forwards and started snogging the hell out of him. He registered shock in Ianto at first, but soon he was cooperating in a heated make-out session. It was all tongue and teeth, but for a first kiss, it wasn't bad, not bad at all. Ianto's tongue had invaded his mouth pretty soon after he'd recovered from his shock and all he wanted was to stay like that forever. But the air was needed - for both of them - to stay alive, so sooner than he wanted to they separated for some much-needed air. Their irregular breaths kept them from talking as they tried to catch their breath. But one thing was sure, they both wanted what could be happening shortly after.
"Are you… are you for real?" Was the first thing Jack asked when his lungs contained enough air to breathe normally again.
Ianto, who was still out of breath, nodded a yes. His eyes shone with a new sparkle of life, something he hadn't seen before. A smile crept upon his face as his hand searched Ianto's, he intertwined them while they still sat upon the blood-stained tiles, but that didn't bother them one bit.
"I love you, for so long already.'' A laugh escaped his mouth as he finally let go of the secret that he'd been wanting to tell him so desperately.
''Believe me when I say that it's been a torture to help you plan your wedding." Carefully he stood up and held out his hand to Ianto, who was still planted firmly on the ground.
''The couch might be a comfier place to talk than the ground.'' He explained. Ianto took his hand and he quickly lifted him up. He had no idea what exactly happened, but before he knew it Ianto was leaning in his arms. Their faces, so close to each other that he could feel Ianto's breath in his neck. Their twinkling eyes staring at each other until they were rudely interrupted by the bell and sprang apart.
"Shit… I forgot to tell you, Tosh asked if she could come by, she was quite distraught, something to do with Owen." He said as he looks at Jack and then the mess on the floor. The once fluid blood had mostly dried up and became a sticky mess.
"I'll put a towel over it and put the knife in the dishwasher." He said quickly. There was nothing else to do about it, for now, maybe Tosh wouldn't even notice.
"Put something… else on, like no bloody pyjamas." Ianto quickly said before he walked towards the door after the doorbell had been rung another time.
"I'm coming!" He yelled quickly. As quick as he could, he went towards the bathroom and took one of the largest towels they had from the cabinet and placed it carefully on the ground in the kitchen, careful to cover every little splatter of blood. The knife quickly found its way into the dishwasher after he'd rinsed it and the bloody tea towel had found its way into the washing machine. Just in time for Ianto and Tosh to enter the living room.
" Don't look at me, I'm just going to change. Of course, Ianto didn't tell me you were coming." He quickly told her, his head bowed down and his blood-soaked sleeve hidden behind his back. He let out a sigh of relief when he closed the bedroom door behind his back and took off the dirty clothes. He took the first thing he could find and put on the jeans and long-sleeved shirt, it was possible that the jeans were Ianto's, but he didn't think Ianto would mind or that Tosh would notice. When he re-entered the living room a few minutes later, completely presentable, his eyes drew towards the crying Tosh leaning on Ianto's shoulder. He'd met Tosh and Owen many times before, they'd been quite nice, especially Tosh. So it hurt him to see bright, sweet Tosh being so heartbroken.
" What happened?" He asked more to Ianto than Tosh, because he figured that she didn't want to repeat herself.
" We had a row, I confronted him about where he'd been going all the time, only to come back hours later. I was afraid that he had something with his beautiful co-worker Diane. We said some stupid things and in the heath of the fight I accidentally told him that maybe we needed a break." Tosh told him through hiccups.
"Oh no, come here." He said and placed himself on the other side of her body, engulfing her in a hug. She was being sandwiched by them both.
"Do you know where Owen went to?" He asked her quickly, maybe he or Ianto could talk to the man and see if things would be able to be saved pretty easily.
"I don't… know. He stor… Stormed out rather soon after I.. I said those stu… stupid words." Her hiccuping was getting worse as the more tears rolled down her cheeks. The little make up she was wearing had been smeared across her face and had stained Ianto's shirt, not that he cared about that one bit.
"Why don't you stay here for the night. Then you two can both cool down and think things through calmly. We could watch some chick flicks or maybe Tintin, remember how Tintin would always get our spirits up when we were young." Ianto told her and nudged her petite form, a smile formed on her face as soon as he'd mentioned Tintin.
"Yeah, Owen hated it with a passion. I don't know why he thinks such a young boy would screw his dog." She said through a quiet giggle.
"Let's forget about Owen for a few hours. You can lend some clothes from me to sleep in and we have a camping bed on which you can sleep tonight. Everything will be fine, just you remember." Ianto whispered into her ear. It warmed his heart to see him take care of one of his best friends like that. It made him realise that his heart had made the right choice in loving him with everything he got. Now he only had to wait until they were alone again to finish what they had been talking about.
It was hours later, after Tosh - quite a bit drunken - had fallen asleep on the couch and they'd covered her up with a blanket. It was no use waking her up, only to make her go to sleep again on the camping bed. Her small body would fit perfectly on the comfy couch for a night. For a few minutes, Ianto had stood there, trying to decide what to do. Should he go and set up the camping bed again and sleep on there, or walk towards the bed that he'd occupied the last couple of nights after he'd felt too uncomfortable to stay away from him during his sickness. He was doubting it as he rather liked waking up beside Jack. In the end, he doubtfully walked towards the bed and lay down on it. He wasn't too sure Jack would like him to be there, nor was he sure it was a good idea. But he did want it, he wanted to wake up next to Jack in the morning. Wanted to kiss him goodnight, wanted to ring him up when something amazing happened or when his day turned to shit. It all sounded quite sappy and as if it came straight out of a romantic movie, but it was how he felt about his friend. There was nothing to be done about that, nothing that could change the way he felt about him.
"You know, we never did get to talk." Jack started and looked up from the book he'd been trying to finish for quite some time now. He placed some a receipt in between the pages and closed it with a bang. The book made its way towards the bedside table again as Jack's eyes kept trained on him.
"Maybe it's better to wait until we're alone again." He responded when he sat down on the bed and lifted the blanket up until his hips. The summer weather wasn't so hot that you could sleep without it, but also not cold enough to cover one's self completely under the covers.
" I can't, I need to tell you at least a little. I can wait with some, but there's one thing I need to get off my chest before I close my eyes and fly to dreamland." Jack told him quite seriously, so he nodded for him to continue and turned himself fully around so he was facing Jack.
"Before I met you, this house was just a brick building designed to protect me from the elements. It was just a place where I would go to after work. But ever since I met you, ever since you moved in, it has been filled with laughter, friendship and… love. Because over time it became all the more clear to me that I do love you. With all my heart and soul Ianto."
"I… I don't know what to say." He told him after a while. Tosh's soft snoring could be heard in the background while he intertwined his hand with Jack's. Words failed him, but he was pretty sure the smile on his face told Jack enough of what he needed to know if it hadn't already been clear.
"You don't have to, come here." Before he knew it, he was lying in Jack's arms. His strong, hot arms were surrounding his hips and his head found a comfy space on Jack's chest to lie on. It was a start, but tomorrow they would talk about all the other things they would need to. Now he just wanted to sleep as his eyes felt heavy and he was way too comfortable in his current situation.
"Sleep," Jack whispered into his ear. It was exactly what he did, and he couldn't remember a time when he'd slept better.
A/N: I hope you like it and please leave a review.
XXXFredAndGeorgeForever