Where Am I Going? (Chapter 22)
A/N: Request by Oreganofox for the song "Where Am I Going" by Gino Vannelli. Almost used the title Rick's Realization as this will be from his viewpoint.
I can't quit. I can't quit. Gotta keep going. Gotta make it back. Things can't end like this. Not like this.
Rick's entire body aches as he races down the hot asphalt, trying to make his way back to the Safe Zone, trying to outrun the herd behind him. Sweat pours from everywhere, running into his eyes, making them sting but all he does is blink rapidly as he continues at a pace to keep him ahead of the herd. He's not even sure what he will find once he arrives home, but he refuses to give up.
They're alive. They have to be. There's no other alternative. They're alive. They're alive. They're alive.
He continues to repeat those words to himself over and over again, drilling them into his head as he runs. The weight of his weapons, the weight of his backpack seems to have tripled but he can't stop. The constant tap of his gun against one thigh and the machete on the other is almost annoying but concentrating on that is better than considering how much his thighs are burning. The burn in his lungs is just as bad but he pushes on. He pushes on because he has to see her smiling face once again.
An image of her standing by Carl on the porch of their new home, Judith resting comfortably on her hip comes to him. He was making his way around the house, just checking for anything out of the ordinary when she ordered him to come inside as they were waiting for him to have dinner. He realized they had been there a week and if anything was going to happen, it would've by that time, but their safety was one of his priorities. Her laughter rang out as he nodded, acknowledging her request, but made his way around the house one last time.
She allowed him his indulges because she knew it would set his mind at ease and she always wanted him to be okay. Just as he always wanted her to be ok.
His vision blurs slightly as tears threaten yet again. When he couldn't reach Glenn over the walkie, when he found the jar of baby food in his would be killer's jacket pocket, he almost gave up. In that small space of time, not knowing if she had survived or not, made him question his very existence. To think of never seeing her face again, never hearing her soft, reassuring voice again….it was all too much to comprehend. His world would cease to exist without her in it.
He scoffs to himself as the jarring of his feet pounding against the ground vibrates through his body. All of these thoughts are moving around in his head and he can't help but regret that he never told her how beautiful she is. He can't help but regret that he never took her into his arms just once. He determines right then and there that if he ever sets his eyes on her again that's where he is going…..right into her arms. He wants to know once and for all what her embrace will feel like. Will she hold him at bay or will she crush him to her like he is going to crush her to him?
Home. The Safe Zone is in his sights now and he starts yelling as loud as he is able.
"Open the gate!"
Shit! There are scattered walkers loitering around in front of him. He grits his teeth as he realizes he's going to have to run right through them.
"Open the gate!"
He can see the covered gate being rolled away and nothing is between him and home but the wrought iron gate where he can see Michonne there with Morgan and Maggie. His knees seem to give out with the sight of her. She's alive. She's ok.
"Rick! Get up!"
He barely registered that he was on the ground as he sprang up and pushed a walker out of his path, trying his best to make it safely to the gate. The gate is open and she is right there. He throws his head to the sky, giving it his last burst of energy as he races past them and arrives safely inside the walls of the Safe Zone. He can hear the gates being slammed closed as he drops to his knees, trying to catch his breath.
He sees a pair of black boots step into his line of vision and he can hear voices behind him, some of them he is sure are addressing him but he ignores them. He looks up and is blinded by the sun temporarily before she moves in to block the obscuring light. He sees her sweet face with an expression between worry and relief. He doesn't think as he grabs one of her hands with his uninjured one and squeezes it as he wraps his other arm around her waist, resting his head against her mid-section.
He tries unsuccessfully to hold his breath as he awaits her reaction. The racing of his heart, his exhaustion won't allow him to cease his oxygen intake so he continues to heave against her. Her free hand moving to the back of his head to hold him tightly to her is all the reassurance he needs. He closes his eyes and relishes in the contact, so grateful that he has been awarded this opportunity.
He finally looks up at her and gives her a slight smile. "Glad you made it back safe."
"Me, too," she returns.
"Carl? Judith?"
"They're fine, Rick. They're just fine. Come on. You need to see them and they need to see you," Michonne tells him.
He lifts himself to his feet, expecting to have more than one pair of eyes on them because of the exchange they just shared. Everyone's attention seems to be riveted towards the front gate. The droning noise of the walkers is deafening.
"I should say something. I don't want them to panic," Rick relays quietly to Michonne.
"You will," Michonne states. "Let Deanna handle it for now." She looks at his injured hand. "We're going to take care of you, see about the kids and nothing will have changed while we do that. Ok?"
Rick considers her words, realizing that she is right. Their problems will still be there, waiting for them whether they face them now or later. He nods in agreement and allows her to lead him away from the crowd gathering at the gate. For the first time in a long time, he realizes exactly where he wants to be.