I wake up the next morning and Joey is gone. He had dosed off last night which got me excited that he'd be here in the morning, but he clearly left in the middle of the night. It shouldn't be a surprise, it shouldn't be so disappointing, but it is.
I lean over and smell the pillow next to me. I can still smell him. I pick up the pillow and rest it on my face. Then, I jump up and throw the pillow down.
"God, what is wrong with me?" I chastise myself. I was smelling a damn pillow.
I get out of bed and get ready for work, hoping to get my mind off Joey. It doesn't work, I'm still thinking about him all day and I realize I can't do this. I'm already too attached. This isn't good for me, I am going to get hurt.
That night, my phone rings. I brace myself.
I pick up and it's Joey.
"Hey, you free?"
Be strong, I remind myself.
"No, I can't do this anymore," I answer.
"Oh, okay," he says.
I hang up before he can say anymore.
I can't give myself anymore time to change my mind, it's over.
A few days later I'm hanging out with my friends again and they finally bring up Joey. I never updated them on anything, since I didn't want to admit the truth and I was also desperately trying not to think about him. Unfortunately, that never worked, I've thought about him everyday.
"So, what's going on with you and Joey, you haven't mentioned him lately," Monica asks me.
"Oh yeah..." I start uneasily.
"Did you guys break up?" Phoebe asks sympathetically.
"What happened?" Rachel jumps.
"Nothing happened..." I answer slowly.
"So, you're still seeing him?" Monica clarifies.
"No," I confess.
Everyone quickly crowds around me to comfort me.
"What happened?" Monica repeats.
"He didn't want anything serious, that's all... and I liked him too much," I tell them.
Everyone hugs me and asks me what they can do, but they can't do anything and neither can I.
In fact, I do the worst thing I can do. I go home and call the restaurant and find out when Joey's working until.
Then, I show up. I show up at the restaurant again, like a mad person.
Joey walks outside and looks surprised when he see me.
I don't let him speak, I pull him to me and kiss him hard. I've missed his lips so much.
"I thought you wanted to stop?" Joey asks me when I finally let him breathe for a moment.
I stare into his eyes, why do I want him so much?
"It's the last time, I swear," I breathe and then jump on him, causing him to stumble back until his back hits against the side of the building.
He reciprocates my kiss just as fervently, god I love his lips.
We're back at his place, in his bed, and I'm trying to catch my breath - so is he. We went wild. I've never acted like that before. I felt like an untamed animal. I needed my fix, I needed him.
But I said this was the last time and I meant it. I know I can't keep this casual thing up, so I sit up.
Joey sits up too and leans closer to me. It makes me heart race the minute I feel him draw closer.
"That was insane," he breathes by my ear.
I turn to him and can't help, but smile.
"Thank you," I boast.
He grins at me, but then it fades.
"So, this is it?" he asks.
I nod, wishing it wasn't.
"I mean, technically, the last time doesn't have to be one time... right?" he proposes.
Of course, I can't resist him. That's my whole problem.
I try not to smile, but it slips through. He catches it and smiles back. He leans in and kisses me. Now, there's no turning back. I kiss him more, I run my hand down his face and greet his tongue with mine.
I pull back, realizing I'm falling back in.
He looks at me, worried.
"What?" he asks.
"How long should I stay?" I question, trying to convince myself I'm allowed more.
"As long as you want," he surprises me by saying.
"You don't mean that," I accuse.
"Yeah I do," he argues.
"I can't stay 'till the morning," I oppose.
"Why not?" he asks and now I'm really surprised.
"I thought that wasn't allowed?"
He smirks at me and shakes his head.
"I didn't know there were rules," he chuckles.
I don't have time to joke, I need to understand.
"It's still casual if I stay over?" I clarify.
"I mean, you did the first time," he points out.
"I thought you didn't like that," I refute.
"I never said that... I guess, it's just easier when people leave so you don't have to say goodbye," he admits.
I look into his eyes and I almost talk myself into it.
"That's why I can't do this," I shake my head.
I get up from the bed and find my clothes.
I look back at him, wishing he would stop me, wishing he would make me get back in bed and kiss me all over... but instead, he respects my decision.
"I can walk you out," he offers unexpectedly.
I take a deep breath. It's never been so hard to walk away.
"Then, you'd have to say goodbye," I state and I walk out. I leave for good.