A/N: Must ignore...pain...must...keep...updating...

As ever, suspend your disbelief to enjoy this story; if only for the chaos it causes.

I have plans for the Crypters, amusing plans that will cause all sorts of madness and mischief...

"Don't mistake his laziness for sloth. Its an act.

That man, no...that thing is more dangerous than any Servant.

There's a reason he hasn't died yet. You don't want to test it, much less him...

~?

A Most Unlikely Oni (Interlude)

There was certainly something to be said about laziness.

When you cared little for life, little was expected of you in return. Naruto had taken that lesson to heart long ago. Everyone underestimated a slacker. No one thought a lazy cloud gazer wad a danger to anyone other than himself. Just like the old say went. When you flew too close to the sun?

You got burned.

Naruto felt no such need to fly. He was quite content down here on the ground.

But even when it came to being lazy, there was a line he wasn't willing to cross. When that laziness becomes apathy -sloth!- when you cease to care about anyone or anything? That's a problem. When you felt nothing, you were just as much a threat to the others as the enemies you claimed to fight.

Case in point, Naruto knew those kids were going to die the moment they set foot in their rayshift coffins. Clairvoyance was a right pain in the ass when it came to that. His came and went like the wind, with little provocation and rarely any warning. And like it or not, he wasn't so far gone that he'd let a bunch of brats die on his watch. He knew some of them, after all.

"What a drag...

With a long suffering sigh the blond forced himself upright off the floor and caught the arm of the first person that passed him by. As luck would have it -thank heaven for small mercies!- she was just the person he was looking for. His fingers dug into her arm and wrenched her to a halt, but whatever condemnation she might have mustered died the moment she laid eyes, or eye in this case, upon him.

"Hey there, Ophelia." he flashed what he hoped was a winning grin at her. "Got a minute?"

Her visible eye blinked. "Sir? Why aren't you prepped for the mission?"

"Ugh, don't call me sir. You'll make me feel old."

Ophelia was a good girl. Kind, trustworthy, and loyal to a fault. He'd pulled her out of a bad place in her youth a long time ago; she'd been indebted to him ever since.

What this young woman saw as heroism simply came naturally to him. He hadn't thought to meet her again before coming to Chaldea, but meet they had. Ever since she'd found him again she latched onto him for all she was worth. Latched hard. To her, his word was law. To this day, the slacker still didn't understand why. Sure he had saved her, but he'd left her with better relatives. Had he really made that much of an impression on her? Semantics, he supposed. Now wasn't the time to dwell on the past.

"I wouldn't go into that coffin, if I were you." he drawled. "You'll die."

She didn't question him, bless her little heart. "As you say, sir."

Well, that was easier than he'd thought. "Ophelia."

"Sir!" she straightened with a salute. What was this, the military?!

Naruto ran with it. "Do you trust me?"

"With my life, sir!"

"Good girl." he patted her head, smiling now as she leaned into his palm and held it close to her face. "There's something I need you to do for me; something only you can do."

She blinked rapidly. "Something...only I can do?"

Perhaps it was cruel of him to use her like this; but wasn't it worth it, if it saved her life? She'd thank him for this later. Maybe the others might. Hmmph. Who was he kidding. Hinako and Kadoc could appreciate what he was doing, but Kirschtaria and the rest were impossible to understand. Would they care at all that he'd saved them? Who could say? Not he. Beryl could go die for all he cared, weaselly little shit that he was. The rest had potential...assuming they managed to outlive Lev -Flaurous!- and his mad machinations.

"Yup. I need you to go to the command room and get the rest of A-team out of there." Naruto paused anew, considering. "Except Beryl. Fuck him. Let that backstabbing bastard die."

"And what will you be doing, sir?"

"Getting reinforcements." He saw no point in lying to her, knowing she'd keep asking. "Can I count on you for this?

Ophelia's visible eye sparkled and a small, shy smile bloomed over her face. "I won't let you down."

With his first task complete, they parted ways.

Naruto sauntered off in one direction, while Ophelia hastened back the way she'd come.

From there it was a simple matter of opening his chakra coils again; of undoing the sealing work he'd inflicted upon himself so long ago. The air began to boil around him, glowing a faint white-blue. A lazy yawn popped his jaw as he felt his power begin to return. Blasted fox and its blasted chakra. He'd locked it away for a reason. Clairvoyance aside, there was something infinitely gratifying about being normal. He'd enjoyed pretending to be a mortal. He wasn't anymore. It would take the work of decades to lock away all that power again.

That being said, he didn't regret it when Lev came after him. Of course he would. Ah, the ego of a demon. He didn't miss it.

"YOU!" A bellow shook the hall ahead of him; a monster masquerading as a man stalking forward to meet him. "How dare you interfere with my-

"Nope."

Naruto didn't miss a single stride; a swipe of a chakra-clawed hand separated Lev's head from his shoulders. Another shredded his "body" down to bloody pieces. He was still walking when the crimson cadaver struck the floor and burst apart like a sack of wet meat. Someone screamed. He ignored them. He'd merely killed the vessel. The Demon Pillar persisted in another realm. Flaurous would be dealt with in a coming singularity. Stupid Clairvoyance, always popping up at the worst of times. A shame he couldn't seal that away. Curses weren't so easily bound.

His destination was the Summoning Chamber; to reach before the questions started; before he was bogged down and treated as an aggressor, rather than an ally.

Having a Servant or two at your back worked wonders for negotiations.

A quick kick blasted the main door from its hinges, sending it flying into the darkened room. Naruto walked over the twisted metal carapace, uncaring as the lights flickered into existence. The chamber before him was void of life and presence, just as he remembered. The rituals had failed time and time again before this. For reasons no one understood, they'd been left unable to summon Servants outside of a Rayshift. No longer.

A knife flicked out of his pocket and opened his right hand spraying a fine red mist into the air. It spattered the walls and low ceiling, staining the patterns inscribed there.

Demonic blood was as good a catalyst as any. But the blood of an immortal?

That proved a powerful lure.

The faintest tremor rocked Naruto's boots, momentarily distracting him. Ah. The bombs had gone off after all. He wondered just how many Ophelia managed to save. His own apathy alarmed him. Only a few minutes into his full might and he was already beginning to lose touch with himself again. He'd have to watch that. He was still losing blood, too. The room had begun to spin.

Staggering forward, he grasped the now-blood-spattered lever that would initiate the summons.

"Alright," his voice rumbled into the empty room. "I don't really have time for a chant. If there's anybody out there, I could use a hand here."

With that said, Naruto yanked the lever down. Nothing happened. A growl tore out of him.

"Really?!" Another yank followed the first. "You're gonna be stubborn about this?"

Though the circle pulsed, none answered his call.

"I don't care who it is!" He reared back, hauling the lever with him. "A man or a monster, hell, I'll even take a freaking oni at this point! Answer! Me!"

Third time's the charm, or so some say.

And so it was here.

Rainbow orbs burned before his vision as three rings of light sprang into existence. That was all the warning he had. Even as the wayward warrior cried out in triumph, a blast of light ripped him from his feet and flung him across the room. Metal buckled uselessly beneath his back as he struck the wall. As he shook sense back into himself on a vaguely humanoid shape resolved among the spinning lights. It remained, even when they faded to drying cinders.

"Please not an Assassin," he muttered, "Please not Assassin...!"

"Servant, Caster." a strangely familiar voice called as the haze faded. "Not really sure why I answered, but...oh, what the hell?!"

Then the Servant saw him and any pretense of civility went flying out the window.

Naruto saw them, too. His jaw clicked open as he beheld his new ally. He knew that uniform anywhere, just as he recognize that lazy slouch. Their face merely cinched it. He'd never admit it, but he was almost happy to see them; in as much as he could be happy about anything anymore.

"Hey!" He raised a hand, grinning like an unrepentant child. "Long time no see!"

"No. No, this is not happening." Shikamaru Nara absolutely twitched. "You...did not...just summon me, Naruto."

...sorry?" his fellow slacker offered an unrepentant shrug. "To be fair, I wasn't trying to pull you...I just needed a Servant."

"Then send me back!" he cried.

"Nah."

Without warning, the circle spun up again.

Both men rounded on it. "What the hell did you do?!"

"Eh, might pulled the lever three times." the blond shrugged again. "What's the worse that'll happen? Its probably just black keys-

Rainbow orbs answered. "Oh bugger."

This time, Naruto dove for cover. Shikamaru wasn't so lucky. The backlash rammed him facefirst into the nearest wall and once he fell free from that, the floor itself. From there, someone stepped onto his back and over him, using the poor shinobi like a doormat as they all but sauntered forth from the chamber.

"My, my," a sensual voice cooed. "I thought I smelled something interesting. And a human rug? That's new~!"

The newcomer was far shorter than his old friend, and utterly unrecognizable in her beauty. Her skin was a pale milky white tinged with violet, her body lithe and spry, infinitely pleasing to the naked eye. Of course it was. Naruto felt a vein begin to twitch in his jaw. She barely had a stitch of clothing to her name. What little she did wear seemed determined to slip off her shoulders at the slightest provocation. A stiff breeze would have left her topless. He was far too sober for this. An old friend was all well and good, surprising even, but the last thing he'd expected was this.

And there could be no denying the horns flowing from her forehead. Yup. That settled it. Any joy he might have felt at being reunited with Shikamaru was gone. He needed a stiff drink.

"Assassin, Shuten Douji." She granted them a toothy grin, flashing her fangs. "I have answered your summons. Fufufufufu, I hope you don't mind Oni."

...was Fate screwing with him? It was, wasn't it. Had to be. He'd been joking when he'd said that!

Naruto's gaze strayed to one of the gourds bound at her back. "Is that wine?"

"It is," Shuten hummed, "But I wouldn't drink it, were I you-ah!"

Her sultry purr cut off into a yelp as he snatched it from her belt, pressed it to his lips and made sweet, sweet love to it. Five seconds later, the now very empty gourd sailed across the room to land in her open hands. He didn't miss the strange look that flashed across her face. It looked like...hunger. Surely he was imagining that, too, right? This had all the hallmarks of a bad dream...Naruto knew better. He hadn't been able to dream for ages now.

"Aren't you a bold one?" A delicate brow rose to meet his scowl. "You shouldn't have drunk that, you know. "That brew's made for Oni like me, not mortals like you. You're liable to grow horns."

"Lady, I just prevented a coup d'etat and summoned two five stars." A lone finger rose to salute her. "Right now, horns are the absolute least of my concerns!"

Which meant this was painfully, horrifyingly real. To make matters worse, the Servant he'd just summoned looked like she wanted to eat him. And not in the good way.

"Can you refill that?"

"Why, yes, I can." Shuten did just that. "Are you a glutton for punishment?"

"Nope." he smacked his lips. "Just sober.

"Then catch~!"

Her gourd sailed back through the air and Naruto caught it with nimble dispatch. Not once did he take his eyes off Assassin. He didn't dare. Something told him this Oni wasn't going to let him be. Immortal he may well be, but he didn't fancy the idea of his bones being gnawed on by a hungry demon. Blast it all. He'd just wanted to slack off. So much for his lazy, carefree lifestyle.

Shikamaru didn't bother to get up from the floor. "What kind of crap have you dragged me into this time?!"

"Just the usual." Naruto took another long drink. "Welcome to Chaldea...

A/N: Well, folks asked for it, so here it is.

Surprise surprise, the Crypters are thing and they're here to stay. Except Beryl. Fuck Beryl.

Wanted to try a more humorous take on this chapter, and boy was it fun. Hmm. Maybe that's the painkillers talking. Everything's spinning at the moment. Bah, semantics! At least I can't feel any pain right now!

Right then, as ever, Reviews are love, Reviews are Life.

Reviews keep me safe from any and all strife.

So in the immortal words of Atlas...

...review, Would You Kindly?

Every bit helps out!

(Previews?)

Ophelia didn't look away. "I love him, of course."

Kirschtaria frowned. "And why should we follow you?"

Lev snarled. "Did you think I would stay dead?!"

"Ibaraki."

"Yeah boss?"

"If that twat questions me again, break his legs."

"You should be proud. Oni are very choosy about their mates."

"Shuten."

She looked up. "Hmm~?"

"Stop gnawing on my arm."

...would you rather I gnaw on something else/"

~Nz.