Trigger warnings: Self Harm

He picked the screaming baby up form the Moses basket where she was sleeping in a vain attempt to settle her but she was having none of it, he couldn't help but think that she wanted her Mum, well it was obvious that she did but with her Mum being trapped a prisoner inside of her own mind and in a high dependency psychiatric unit he knew he would have a battle on his hands with getting her well again. All progress always seemed to be removed every now and then and that was something which he hated how they would all make progress and then it would stop, he just hoped that this new treatment plan would do her wonders but he really did have to think about the possibility of it not working. He was interrupted by Michelle who entered the room.

"She's just unhappy, I'm going to try her with a bottle" he smiles, Michelle yawns following him down the stairs watching as he prepares a bottle "I know, you want your Mummy dont you?"

"Give her here" Michelle whispers as Peter passes her the baby for her to hold "We'll get her back sweet pea, it'll take time and a lot of energy"

"Let's cool this down for you eh?" Peter smiles placing the bottle in a tub of water

"How are you feeling?" Michelle asks, Peter just sighs shaking his head "It's important to say how you feel Peter"

"I just dont understand the black clothes, it's all so morbid, well I understand where it's from, it's just why? You know"

"It's her mind" Michelle sighs, he just shrugs slightly "I dont understand how she got this bad though-"

"We all knew what it stemmed from didn't we, the fact she didn't speak to anyone about it, the fact that she kept it bottled up and it was difficult for her to comprehend to me, to her family, to Roy even about it, I've hurt her many a times and she regained that trust, Aziza trusts me again now I can't let her down"

"And you won't, you've done well Peter, god sakes Peter you've done the best you could, you got her better for that short time-"

"I know it's just when she...you know..."

"I know" she smiles "It was hard on all of us, you were struggling-"

"If I had just seen it with my own eyes-"

"Enough what ifs" Michelle sighs picking up the bottle and testing it before poising it to Azalea's mouth, she sucks on it vigorously "You did your best, we couldn't ask of more from you"

"When she left that time when she...ran...I felt so sick, anything could have happened to her"

"And it probably did, she won't say what happened to her, she probably doesn't know herself and that's scary for her, imagine all those images filling her head every now and then, not knowing how they connect"

"I wouldn't like it"

"Exactly"

"I remember the day" he bites his lip, Michelle smiles sympathetically "The day when I found out she was struggling again..."

20th April 2021

She looked effortlessly beautiful as she stood out over the rocky ridge, a small lake of water, a stream trickling more of the crystalline substance into the lake itself, her eyes were mischievous but little did I know that there was internal suffering within her green orbs which lit up my entire world. I glanced over her figure as she sat on the ridge, her legs dangling off the edge giving her a sense of thrill, she turned around to look at me and I flashed her a smile, she returned it. There was always something about Carla's smile which captivated me, which made me look at her with complete adoration and love, this was just us here and that was amazing, no Aziza running riot but it wasn't just us, there were four people here with us but I didn't know that yet.

"Dont you love the thrill?" she questions patting the slab of rock next to her, I smile and take a seat refusing to dangle my legs off the edge

"Not really, love" he chuckles slightly, she grins tilting her head from side to side repetitively like she was a little child skipping down the road "You seem happy, it's good to see you happy"

"Yeah?" she questions with a frown, I nod "I am happy we're having a baby, a sibling for Aziza and Simon"

"Are you looking forward to it?"

"Very much" she giggles patting her bump before glancing to the side of her, she smiles eerily "Hello, again"

"Carla?" I frown slightly confused at who she was greeting

"Yes?" her head shoots around and she offers me a smile, a subdued one at that "Are you unhappy Peter?"

"What?" I frown ultimately confused by the whole thing, her demeanour itself was starting to have this sinister undertone to it, something I remembered so vividly "I'm happy?"

"Not many people are happy for me after everything I did," she remarks, I raise an eyebrow "It's pretty here"

"Like you"

"Cheesy," she remarks rolling her sleeves up, I glance to the red marks scarring her skin, some looking very fresh which makes my heartbeat rather fast and unsteadily, "They told me to do this, do you judge me for that?"

"Of course not" I put on a smile for her benefit not really knowing if it was the right thing to do "What did they say to you?"

"It was a number of people, one in particular" she states, I nod slowly trying to understand what they were saying to her again, whether I needed to have a word with anyone else "I dont know why they said it to me, so I punished myself, it's ok for me to do that right?" she offers me her arm, I gulp and shake my head glancing down to the slashes on her arm, fresh blood coating her skin

"No sweetheart, it's not" I state wanting to lay some boundaries for her, I knew it wouldn't work, once she was hooked her mind would fester and then we would end up where we started and I didn't want that for her "Who told you to do these?"

"Them"

"Who we spoke about when we came back from...?" I try to hint not wanting to push it with her, I didn't know the exact state of mind she was in after all

"They won't hurt me, Peter, they tell me what to do and they told me to hurt myself, it makes me free and happy, they will keep me happy if I do this"

"I think we should go home now, Aziza will be wondering where we are wont she?" I question, I needed to get her away from here, I needed to ring someone because if she was having symptoms again then god knows what will happen, I wish I could just hold her, tell her that this would get better that she would get better but even now I was starting to have doubts, maybe she would always be scarred. Tomorrow is another day...

"That must have been so scary for you" Michelle smiles sympathetically "I should have come back sooner"

"You wouldn't have been able to do anything" he sighs rubbing his forehead in exasperation "What's done is done, we move on now because otherwise, she will never get better, we need to support her now"

"Maybe it might be worth going private? They might specialise in her condition-"

"No" he shakes his head "It would just be the same, we had a private counsellor and look where she still ended up"

"I know, sorry" Michelle replies apologetically winding Azalea "She didn't take to this little one did she?"

"No" he sighs "Pushed her right over the edge, further than we ever thought but that's a story for another day, I just wish we would have a breakthrough, that she would see me, I haven't seen her in weeks"

"How long has it been now?"

"Almost ten weeks" he sighs shaking his head in disbelief, "I know it's going to take time, I'm prepared for that it's just, the kid's arent and there's no way I can prepare them for that"

"There's not, at least with Azalea she's only a baby so you dont have to explain to her" Michelle whispers bouncing her up and down slightly "You should get some sleep now, this little one is going to be settled for the next few hours"

"You're right" he smiles taking Azalea into his arms, "I think I might get her registered soon"

"Good" Michelle nods as they all walk up the stairs "Night Peter"

"Night Michelle"

He managed to get some sleep only waking to fed or change Azalea. He was woken by Aziza who entered the room, she tipped the remains of her water over him and Simon just giggled from the door frame watching on knowing he used to get up to this sort of thing when he was younger. Peter immediately woke and grunted in annoyance at the fact Azzia pulled yet another prank on him but he eventually found the energy to get up and get everyone breakfast as well as sort Azalea out for the day.

"Can you please help your sister with her tie Simon?" Peter drones, Aziza just grins pinching Simon as he returns the pinches "Kids, I mean it, Aziza get your uniform on and Simon you need to get off to college"

"Yes I know I'm not stupid" Aziza defends herself, Michelle chuckles from the sofa "Michelle?"

"Yes, sweetheart?" she questions hearing her whiny tone as well as the fact she just sat herself down on her lap "Let me guess you want chocolate, you want a new phone, the usual?"

"No actually" Aziza corrects her aunt "I want my mother home, how was she I know you saw her, I heard you and dad talking about it"

"Ok, fine yes I did see her" Michelle smiles slightly running her fingers through Aziza's dark hair "I'm sorry sweetheart but she's in no position to see her, she didn't really want to see me either"

"But I love her, I will prove it"

"I know you love her" Michelle smiles kissing her niece on the forehead "She loves you too I'm sure of it, she asked after you"

"Then why can't I see her?"

"The thing is, we have to be sure it's safe enough for you to see her and right now your Mum really isn't in a good place so therefore it's not safe for you to see her"

"But it's been ages" she whines irritably, Michelle sighs slightly "I just want her to come home"

"She needs time to get better and trust people again, we're going to help her though and before you know it she will be back here with us"

"If you say so" Aziza mutters sliding off her aunt's lap "Simon!" she rushes off up the stairs with a hair tie no doubt to fling at her brother

"Thanks for that" Peter smiles gratefully placing Azalea down in the Moses basket which they kept downstairs "Are you alright having her whilst I take Zi to school?"

"How about I do the school run? Then you can spend time with this little munchkin bonding with her and all that" Michelle smiles, Peter nods "Good we'll be back soon"

Peter spent time with Azalea whilst Michelle was out dealing with Aziza and getting her into school which was a challenge in itself as she was stubborn like Carla. He loved his daughter to the moon and back but there were some things that he just couldn't bear and that was her being upset and her being a diva very much like her mother, she had an attitude and she was feisty the spit of Carla and it often landed her in a lot of trouble at school but he knew she would get there eventually. Of course when Carla was admitted to hospital Aziza's defences heightened to the extent that she was playing up with teachers, picking on younger kids and being quite bitchy and annoying to both the staff and students at her school and Peter had enough so he decided that he would take her to the doctors to see if there was any support they could offer her and of course he knew she would be offered counselling with no one other than Toyah Battersby which made him rather sceptical at first but surprisingly they got on like a house on fire and Aziza was opening up to her really well.

He was pottering around in the house and Johnny came over for a visit to see Azalea and they sat and spoke for a bit talking about Carla and the whole situation and the possible care she would need if she ever got released from the psychiatric unit where she was staying at, they were interrupted by a call from Dr Williams he answered it eagerly not giving up hope that she would want to see him.

"Hey Dr Williams, how are things?... Oh really, the first time you've told me that ey?... Yeah, Michelle and I had a nice long talk, did it help Carla in any way?... Really? Are you sure she does, I dont want to push it with her...ok, yeah I'll be right there, I won't bring the baby...right I guess I will see you soon"

"Peter?" Johnny questions cradling Azalea in his arms "What's happened?"

"She wants to see me, Johnny, this is the first time shes actually said it, she had an episode but she's heavily sedated and she wants to see me, even under sedation she never wanted to see me, this is crazy, do you mind having her?"

"No I'll have her, we'll get a bag together for you won't we sweetpea?" Johnny kisses her forehead, Peter smiles grabbing his keys and jacket "Peter"

"Yeah?"

"Black clothes remember" Johnny raises his eyebrows, Peter rolls his eyes knowing he was right, he walks upstairs into the bedroom and gets changed in all black attire before reappearing, Michelle enters the house

"Where are you off to?" Michelle asks Johnny grins, Peter bites his lip "The unit?"

"Yep, she wants to see me, Dr Williams just phoned looks like you seeing her released some of those thoughts she was harbouring" Peter shrugs, Michelle's eyes widen "Look I best get off before she changes her mind, call me if you have any problems with Azalea"

"We will, and Peter?" Johnny smiles, Peter turns to face him "Tell her that we love her"

"I will"