Trigger Warnings:

Child Abuse

Issues relating to Mental Health

A week or so had passed and it finally felt like Carla was making progress, she allowed Peter to see her twice but they didn't really speak because she didn't want to, she was just getting used to being in his company again after so long, they shared her bed together and they laid beside each other and she finally realised how safe she felt in Peter's arms when he held her, maybe now she would allow him to help her. Azalea was making progress as well, she was now registered and that was done and out of the way and they were finally able to get on with making Carla better so she could go home.

Today was going to be a really big step for Carla as she was allowed to be supervised outside in the hospital grounds, in the garden they had specially designed for inpatients and to Peter's surprise she really wanted him there. She was yet to tell him or Michelle why they had to wear black clothes but that didn't matter as she was seeing them. That was enough for now. He arrived at the unit and signed in, he was then brought in to see Carla who was pacing the room counting to herself, he smiled watching her until she finished, she eventually greeted him by kissing him gently on the cheek, one of the nurses then took them out into the gardens, they sat on the bench together and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"You know what would make this moment perfect?" Carla questions staring straight ahead, Peter glances down at her "A portion of chips and mushy peas"

"Ha, yeah I guess" he chuckles slightly she smiles to herself "Is it nice being out?"

"Yeah even if I have to be watched over on a two to one" she shrugs glancing to the nurses who were sat nearby in case they needed to step in "I haven't been out in ages, I only look out the window every now and then that's not enough to fill the sense of freedom I currently have"

"How have you been then?" he questions, she looks up and him and smiles

"Up and down, I had a really good day yesterday, they allowed me to have one to one instead of two to once kind of ruined it by having another episode and them restraining me"

"What happened in your episode?"

"I don't want to talk about it" Carla states, he nods "This is nice though, being out here with you, calming almost"

"It reminds me of that time when Zi was first born, we went on that picnic didn't we?"

"Hmm we did"

20th August 2011

A couple of months had passed since Aziza was born, she was a good baby the best ever so calm and tranquil, it was hard to believe that a baby could be this calm but she was. We were a lovely little family, one which was dysfunctional but I wouldn't have it any other way. Ever since Frank was dead we had managed to move on, Simon had built a relationship with me and viewed me as another mother figure in his life along with Leanne, we were enjoying being ourselves and that was something which was amazing to say I ever secretly craved. We enjoyed being us and that was the main thing.

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy has roast beef, this little piggy had none, this little piggy cried 'Wee, Wee, Wee' all the way home" I beam tickling Aziza causing a brief smile and for her to pull faces

"She's beautiful" Peter beams watching over Simon who was playing with his football he grabs a punnet of strawberries and plucks one out feeding it to Carla

"Mmm thank you, baby" I smirk as Aziza opens her eyes "Wow hey beautiful girl!"

"She doesn't open them often does she" he smiles tickling her under the chin causing her to whimper "Oh sweetheart"

"Do you want to know something?"

"Hmm, what?" I smirk somewhat suggestively at him "Nothing too bad I hope?"

"No, far from it" Peter grins, I raise my eyebrows "I've never been happier you know"

"Me neither" Carla smiles glancing down to Aziza who was lying on Carla's lap "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy has roast beef, this little piggy had none, this little piggy cried 'Wee, Wee, Wee' all the way home"

"Remember that little rhyme I used to sing to her?" Carla questions, Peter frowns "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."

"Oh yeah? She was obsessed with that" Peter chuckles "Still is probably"

"It really hurt for me to say that" she smiles, Peter frowns "I wanted the meaning of that to be positive for her not clouded with fear"

"How do you mean?"

"When I was little...I never had that, the meaning hurt I suppose" she whispers closing her eyes, biting her lip, the attempts to stop the tears falling failing drastically...

8th April 1980

When I glanced around the other people even at age 5 I envied them, they seemed to love their children but my Mummy didn't love me. I saw my latest father standing at the door, he beckoned me over to him and I skipped enthusiastically over to where he was sitting on the sofa, my mother came to join him, drunkenly swaying as she sat down beside me.

"Carla" Sharon states, I look up at her with intrigue, she never gave me the time of day "Lay down sweetheart"

"Why?" I question innocently doing what she wanted me to do anyway, there was a slim possibility that it could be fun

"We're going to play a little game" she smiles at me, I nod with a big grin on my face "Close your eyes"

"Ok" I grin excitedly, the thought of being entertained by mother exciting me, I bite my lip to try and stop the smile from forming

"This little piggy went to market,"

Slap!

"This little piggy stayed at home,"

Slap!

"This little piggy has roast beef,"

Slap!

"This little piggy had none,"

Slap!

"This little piggy cried 'Wee, Wee, Wee' all the way home"

Slap!

"Ow!" I cried, the burning of my skin too much, the tears filled my eyes and I noticed the glares of the people who were meant to love me staring at me, I shuffle weakly off the bed and go upstairs into my bedroom, I sit on the bed and I cry, why couldn't I be loved the same as all my friends were…

"I could kill Johnny"

"Don't" Carla states shaking her head defiantly "He didn't know"

"Carla, you were abused by the people who were meant to care for you and your brother!" he exclaims, Carla just shrugs knowing everything in the past was meant to stay in the past

"Don't shout at me" she whispers standing up and walking over to the pond, she looks a the dragonflies dancing around the plants, landing on them, Peter approaches her hesitantly

"I'm sorry, it's just-"

"Difficult, I know" she flashes him a smile, he nods slowly "I never told anyone"

"And that's why you wanted to get rid of Aziza when you found out?"

"Yep," she nods chewing her lip feeling immensely guilty "I was scared that I would lapse into my mother's ways, hardly a good role model was she?"

"No, I guess not"

"Now look where we are eh?"

"I don't understand"

"Aziza's dealing with a mother having psychotic episodes every now and then, hospital stays, attempting to kill herself at any given opportunity…seems abusive to make her go through that"

"Carla don't think like that, I know she's only young but she gets it, Toyah's helping her-"

"Toyah" she scoffs "Another one of your exes, may as well dated an old lady"

"Oh haha" Peter retorts sarcastically, she just shrugs closing her eyes "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing much" she muses turning to face him, she steps in front of him and cups his cheek, examining his face "Why do you love me, Peter?"

"You're my wife, and I couldn't live my life without you, if you weren't in it then I would be so lost Car" he murmurs, she nods slowly reaching up and pressing her lips to his, she massages them with hers, her tongue skimming along his lips before it dances with Peter's, she pulls away

"I feel nothing" she admits glancing down to her hands, she stretches them "Do you see the blood?"

"Darlin' I don't know…" he trails off unsure of what she meant, she raises a hand up to his face, smiling sinisterly at the vision of a goopy red blood-like substance dripping off her fingers

"Did I hurt you Peter?" she questions eerily stepping away from him and folding her arms across her chest "You're bleeding"

"No darlin' I'm not" Peter chews his lip as some nurses step in "It's your mind"

"I know that" she sighs closing her eyes, she lets the tears fall "I'm pregnant Peter, I've wanted to tell you for so long"

"Carla, you're not pregnant" Peter shakes his head, she nods passing him what she presumed was the test in her hands, he bites his lip glancing to the nurses "Carla there's nothing there"

"Peter we're having a baby!" she shouts before bursting into a fit of tears "Get out of my head! Please!"

"It's ok" Peter reassures her, she shakes her head, she quickly grabs a stick and drags it over her skin trying to cut herself or injure herself, the nurses restrain her and manage to get the stick out of her grip "Oh sweetheart"

"Sorry" she mumbles letting the nurses move her back inside, he sighs following some distance behind until they reach her room, they administer a sedative

"You can sit with her" Dr Williams smiles having entered the room, Peter nods pulling up a chair and sitting beside the bed, he takes her hand whilst the nurses clean the grazes up which were littering her arm where the stick wasn't sharp enough to cut her skin, just to be on the safe side

"They're in here Peter" she whimpers quietly, he bites his lip trying to keep his emotions under control "They won't get out, I give up"

"Don't speak like that eh? We're going to get you better no matter how hard things get, no matter what obstacles we come across we're going to get you better"

"Peter?"

"Yeah?" he runs his fingers through her hair, she bites her lip

"I love you"

He smiles, this is the first time she had said that for a long time and it warmed his heart

"I love you too"

Carla eventually fell asleep leaving Peter to watch her, he thought about how creepy she would find it if she woke up but seeing her so calm and serene made a welcome distraction to her inner turmoil and mental state. He eventually left her to it, kissing her softly on the forehead before returning home. Peter wanted to have it out with Johnny about the way Carla was treated when she was a kid but he couldn't, not without her permission and that was eating him up a lot, so much so that he craved a drink. He felt the liquid course down his throat burning it but there was no fluid entering his body, he just wanted to feel a release so he walked into the Rover's and sat down on one of the barstools, Johnny came over and leant on the bar.

"Hald a whiskey please" Peter states thrusting the money towards Johnny, he thrusts it back "I'll go elsewhere then"

"Peter, wait" Johnny sighs, Peter raises his eyebrows "Look why don't you come through the back and we can sit down and have a chat?"

"No" he responds shaking his head before thinking "Actually…ok then" he agrees going into the back, Jenny gestures for Johnny to go through the back, they sit around the table

"Has something happened with Carla?"

"She's been giving me some home truths"

"About you?" Johnny questions, Peter shakes his head "About who then?"

"Her family, her Mum and that stepdad she had if you can even call him that, disgusting the pair of them, whilst you? You had a perfect life, didn't you? You could have accepted her with open arms if you would have told your wife! You coward!"

"Peter…what's happened?" Johnny questions utterly confused at his rant, Peter bashes his fist down on the table "Calm down"

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down!" Peter exclaims Johnny raises an eyebrow "She was physically abused by that mother of hers and what did you do as her father? Nothing, disgraceful"

"W-What?" Johnny chuckles "I know Sharon had faults but she would never hit Carla, never"

"She told me about the little games she used to play with her mother's partners as well as her mother, this little piggy went to market, then she got a slap after every line of that little rhyme, ring any bells?"

"Peter I really didn't know…I'm sorry but…I didn't know me just…" Johnny stammers sitting down on at the table, Peter sighs "I knew things were far from rosy and pink but…I just assumed that half the time she used them guys for sex, her own personal gain with drugs I didn't think that…even then I wasn't entirely sure I was her father I just…I tried to look out for her but…"

"Sorry" Peter rubs his forehead in exasperation "It's just hard when you see your wife who you love more than the world starting to lose hope in fighting her demons, right now it feels as if she would rather just give up and let them take over her body so she can end her suffering, she hates it Johnny but they won't stop, these voices, these hallucinations, I don't know what else I can do for her"

"I know son" Johnny smiles bringing him in for a hug "Carla's strong though, she's a Connor through and through she will get through this"

"What if she doesn't though? What if she doesn't have any more fight left in her? I can see it in her eyes Johnny, the dull ache for her to end it all, to end her suffering and sadness. Am I doing her an injustice keeping her alive-"

"Don't think like that Peter" Johnny shakes his head, Peter rubs his eyes "Please don't give up on her, please"

"I never will but is this life fair on her?" Peter whispers, Johnny bites his lip "I don't know what to do anymore"

"Be there for her" Johnny smiles placing a hand on Peter's shoulder "Be there for her and never turn back, never let her go, you've saved her many times before Peter, you can do this again"

"What if I fail?"

"You won't"

"What if I do though?"

"Then you can say that you've tried, it won't come to that though, it won't" Johnny sighs, Peter nods slowly "Go home Peter and spend some time with Azalea"

"Yeah" he mumbles grabbing his jacket "Thank you"

"No problem" Johnny smiles watching him leave, he bites his lip and picks up the phone to ring the unit in an attempt to see Carla, he needed to get some things straight even if it meant going behind Peter's back…

Peter went home and immediately scooped Azalea out of her Moses basket needing comfort from his visit with Carla, Michelle could tell something was eating him up it was left for Peter to explain what Carla revealed about her past. Michelle was shocked at the whole thing, she didn't remember much but she remembered when Carla always use to bag her way out of explanations as to why she had bruises littering her body, at least she knew why now. She supported Peter and they just talked about everything, he told her about the confrontation he had with Johnny and how he felt bad for taking hit out on him but Michelle assured him that he knows that he was struggling with everything and that he was bound to be emotional over the whole thing. They eventually left to collect Aziza from school, he also decided to take the baby with him on the walk to school as well, Michelle joined for moral support.

"Daddy!" Aziza's eyes light up as she comes bounding over to him, he lifts her up onto his hip

"You're heavy now, you'll do my back in" Peter chuckles kissing her fon the forehead somewhat happy that she wasn't being so withdrawn

"Sorry" she grins as Peter places her on the floor, she takes his hand "What's for dinner?"

"You have worms you do," Peter remarks, Aziza just grins up at him as they walk back home "So what did you do today at school then?"

"We did PE, it was so much fun, we were doing gymnastics, we were challenging each other to see if we could do the splits as well as the teacher allowing us to use the gym equipment"

"That sounds good" Peter smiles, Aziza nods eagerly as they approach the house "I was thinking maybe you could write Mummy a letter?"

"Really?" Aziza's eyes light up "Seriously you're not joking?"

"Nope I think she would like to hear from you" Peter smiles ruffling her hair before going to unlock the front door, they enter the living room and Aziza immediately runs upstairs and returns with a pad of lined paper and her pens "You're eager"

"Will she write to me back?"

"I don't know I'm just thinking that it might help her" Peter smiles sitting next to her whilst Michelle deals with the baby "Do you want me to write it and you tell me what to write?"

"Ok" Aziza grins knowing her handwriting wouldn't be as good as her fathers, Michelle watches on whilst she prepares Azalea a bottle, it hurt her a bit knowing that Aziza shouldn't have to do this but things seemed to be going in the right direction now with Carla wanting to see her family, all she could do was hope that Carla continued to make progress with her recovery