A Peter centred chapter for you...

Sleep wasn't a welcome thing for Peter right now, he currently hated himself for being so naïve even though Carla did a good job at masking her guilt in the form of her illness. He shouldn't judge her for that but that was something he hated at the fact that she so simply, unintentionally, could do that, he envied it. Standing up he padded downstairs into the kitchen flicking the kettle on to make himself a cup of coffee, he glanced to the wall where there was a picture of Carla, Aziza and himself hanging on the wall which caused him to smile slightly, at the longing he had for Azalea to be his daughter. for her to feel like a part of the family.

"Daddy?" Aziza questions yawning and rubbing her eyes as she stands in the doorway, Peter smiles at her before going to hug her

"Hey, beautiful" he whispers holding her close "What's the matter?"

"Nightmare" she replies, he nods slowly gesturing for her to sit down on the sofa which she does, he goes to make her a hot chocolate "I'm not meant to have one, Mummy says"

"Yes well Mummy's not here so I think we can have one" he whispers making himself one instead of the coffee, he places them both down on the coffee table

"Ok" she replies sadly, Peter brings her in for a hug "I miss her"

"I do to" he whispers, he did miss Carla a lot, more than he could imagine but after everything she had done, the lies she spun, it hurt him a lot which led him to question the credibility of his thoughts

"When will she be home?"

"I don't know sweetheart" he replies honestly, Aziza's gaze falls to her hands which were fiddling with one another on her lap "Are you ok?"

"I just miss Mummy, I want her home and I want her to cuddle me, I want to go out and do stuff with her, going out with Aunty 'Chelle isn't the same"

"Have you spoke to Toyah about the way you feel?" he asks, she shakes her head causing Peter to sigh and bring her in for a hug "Your support teacher at school?"

"No" she responds sadly, Peter nods slowly running his fingers through her hair, she was so much like Carla in many ways, keeping her emotions to herself, letting everyone see how strong she was as well as being able to put up a fight for her own rights

"Why don't you have your hot chocolate, then we can ring Toyah tomorrow, maybe she will come and have a chat with you eh?" Peter suggests, Aziza nods sadly drinking her hot chocolate which was cool enough for her now, Peter does the same

"Daddy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Can I sleep in with you tonight?" she questions sadly, Peter sighs and nods in agreement, she smiles kissing him on the cheek before trudging upstairs, he stops at the photo which was on the bookshelf and picks it up, a photo of him and Carla kissing on new years eve, he smiles slightly kissing the photo before placing it back on the shelf and heading upstairs to bed, love would never die…

Staring around the room, there were many people alike, each and every one of them with their mistakes and faults. He wasn't listening to them, he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts and his own justifications which brought him here at this time, on this day. The fear of opening up and seeing something ever so sadistic inside of his head was such a thing that couldn't be understood let alone comprehended entirely. He couldn't bring himself out of his thoughts, all he could do was live his life in the way he was guided through it by the events which he saw in his very own eyes.

"Peter?" Howard brings him out of his thoughts "Do you want to say something?"

"Ok" he agrees knowing he should, "Um…" he falters not really knowing where to begin, he glances to Howard who smiles sympathetically at him

"Just say what's on your mind" he prompts, Peter glances down to him as he rises to his feet staring at all the people who shared a similar problem, or had problems of their own, maybe he would help them by saying what was on his mind

"A while back, my partner, she was admitted into a psychiatric unit, she was ill, out of her mind, and I don't mean that to cause any offence to anyone at all. Seeing her deteriorate in front of my eyes and being so immune to it and in denial that there was something wrong with her was something I would never forgive myself for, the fact that I didn't get her help sooner it struck me down and made me feel ever so guilty for putting her through that pain because the amount of hate that she had about herself, and the way her mind was so tortured by the voices she heard and the way people viewed her at the time. I didn't get her help, but deep down I knew there wasn't something quite right at the time but by the time I realised it was too late she ran away to this place, well to the places she thought were safe in her mind I suppose, but they weren't so many things happened to her, so many things that I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not seeing it sooner, maybe she wouldn't have had these awful things that happened to her when she went missing but when we got her back she tried to take her own life and I could have lost her, every day I thank the world, everyone, even her, for staying with me because I would not be able to survive without her, no way. We were doing good after that, we were the best and we were happy until I started helping another woman overcome her addiction. This resonated with my partner because that's how we fell in love, me helping her. Seeing similarities like that scared her and it caused her to drift so far she cheated on me with her boss and conceived a baby which wasn't mine and that caused her second deteriorating which made her lose her mind again, which made me see all of the turmoil which she had in her head but visibly to me and that in itself was a big thing for her to fully express that this time and I guess it showed how much she trusted me and I trusted her so much. I recently found out about the paternity of my daughter, well the baby which I thought was mine and the way that my partner told me about her, it has been eating me up ever since and I can't believe I'm saying this but I still love her, even though we decided to call it day. I just wish things were different"

Peter went home, things felt calmer, lighter in his life like a weight had been taken off his shoulders. He walked into the pub and was greeted sympathetically by Johnny but he wasn't in the mood for sympathy, he needed to speak to Michelle so Johnny let him through to the back where Michelle was cradling Azalea in her arms, he immediately scooped her out of Michelle's arms which settled her immediately causing her to raise an eyebrow in confusion at the whole thing. He just hummed a gentle tune to Azalea which calmed her down instantly into a gentle sleep.

"Thanks" Michelle mumbles watching him place Azalea back down into the travel cot which was in the front room "Are you ok?"

"Better now I've been to a meeting" he response, Michelle nods slowly "I don't know what to do Michelle"

"Me neither" she admits, Peter nods slowly watching Azalea sleep peacefully "Do you love Carla still?"

"I don't know how, but I do, with all my heart" he sighs punching the bridge of his nose and returning his gaze to Michelle who was looking rather thoughtful over his admission "You know when we split up before?"

"I do"

"I knew she still loved me, even when she was with Nick you know. She would never admit it now but when we took Zi for her first day at school the way she looked at me it was full of adoration still, maybe I'm being paranoid, seeing things pardon the pun but I genuinely think that no matter what happens between us whenever we're together when we're apart for that matter, we will always be drawn back to each other"

"I agree" Michelle replies quietly, closing her eyes and trying to stop the tears from filling them "She loves you, Peter, yeah she's not in the right headspace right now but when she gets better, when she finally realises that, I know she just wants to save you from pain and everything with Ray…oh I don't even know the guy's a sleaze, maybe she just wanted to punish herself by sleeping with him for god knows what reason"

"That sounds plausible" he whispers, Michelle shakes her head taking one of his hands "Maybe I pushed her to it"

"No Peter, you didn't, that was her decision and hers only, all I'm going to do right now is say focus on Aziza, she's going to need you a lot more than she lets on. I'll look after Azalea for you, for Carla"

"Ok, yeah" Peter nods slowly "You're right, I need to put Zi first, for once, she doesn't deserve me turning my back on her right now"

"Exactly, just go and collect her from Toyah's yeah?" Michelle suggests, Peter nods grabbing his jacket and chucking it on "And Peter, just remember, you're not alone"

"I know, thank you so much, Michelle, god knows what we would all do without you"

"Well that's what I'm here for" Michelle whispers, Peter nods offering her a small smile, he leaves the room and sighs before walking off towards the medical centre to pick Aziza up, he approaches the desk at the reception and it wasn't long before Aziza came running out and gave him a hug

"Hey baby girl" Peter lifts her up the best he could as she was getting heavy before placing her down on the floor "I forget how heavy you are now"

"I'm not" she protests folding her arms across her chest and raising her eyebrows at him; she was like Carla in so many ways which made his heart warm

"You are" he pokes her on the nose before turning his attention to Toyah "Was she alright?"

"Good as gold" Toyah muses playfully punching Azisa on the arm who laughs slightly before going to sit in the waiting room "Can we?" Toyah gestures to her room, Peter nods as they head in

"How was she really then?" Peter chuckles, Toyah just sighs "That good then"

"Yeah she's struggling Peter, I know she doesn't show it but I've had quite a few emails from the school and she's really not happy there, getting herself into trouble picking on the younger kids, crying all the time, anxious, the list goes on, to cut a long story short I want to process an application for her to see a psychiatrist just so she can have a mental health assessment"

"Seriously" Peter sighs rubbing his forehead gently "I hate the fact that she's being this way, she doesn't speak to me or Michelle, she just lets it fester and then it all comes out and then she lands herself in trouble"

"Don't beat yourself up about it, you're under a lot of strain" Toyah replies sympathetically, Peter nods slowly "I will be there as well so she won't be as anxious"

"Ok that's good, anything to help her, I want to do the right thing by her I really do"

"And you are" Toyah reassures him, Peter nods "You really are Peter, but sometimes you can't control these things"

"I know, it's just difficult with Carla being where she is, she misses her Mum"

"And she's bound to, every kid would" Toyah smiles "She'll get there, I know she will"

"I hope so" Peter admits "Anyway thank you for seeing her at such short notice, I really appreciate it"

"No problem, now go and spend some time with her, she'd like that" Toyah suggests, Peter nods leaving the room and taking Aziza by the hand, he kisses her on the forehead

"Shall we go home then sweetheart?"

"Yep," she grins before turning to Toyah "Bye Toyah!"

"Bye Aziza" Toyah smiles watching them leave, Peter glances down to his daughter, his heart radiating with proudness and hope; hope for the present and hope for the future